How Would You React? WWYD?

SORRY this is long. I can't really condense it as I need to type it as it happened.

So last night we were at my Mum and step-dad's for a bbq with some friends of theirs, mostly family, but a few others that she had invited.

In walks German hubby and wife (in their 50's), and teenage son. Limited English. Mum said they don't have many friends in the area, but have been here four years.

So we went out onto Mum's massive lawn (they are farmers) and had a wee game of bowls - lawn bowls - very lovely darling kinda thing - was a hoot. It was really hot though, and I was melting with a bit of a headache due to bad AF. So I stood in the shade and watched the 10 people split off into two teams of 5 and cheered them on.

German lady comes over and says they are looking at buying a section and cause I work for the 'X' company they are buying through can I drop any hints - NO I can't (not permitted, not able, different town etc). But I continued to make small talk with her about her house plans.

Then absolutely OUT OF THE BLUE she looks down at my stomach and PATS IT and says in her limited English 'you are trying to have baby this year, no? In my country many people try for baby, get adoption, and then end up having baby, so anything is possible'. I started to say to her 'ummmm SORRY we don't talk about this!!!' when she was walking away as it was her turn to bowl.

I stood there like the wind had been knocked out of me, and started hyperventilating (I do that when shocked/stunned beyond belief, lately it's been when I have seen my 12 week scans not having a live foetus... just to give you some idea of the kind of shock that brings it on) - my husband was playing but something made him look over at me and he came over and I burst into tears - he said 'what's wrong', I said 'SHE KNOWS ABOUT ME' and he quickly took me inside where we were just both so shocked once I relayed the conversation.

Mum had been yelling over at us 'what's wrong, are you okay' as we walked inside. She came in and I asked her WHY she had told a complete stranger about my conception problems. She said it was moreso that she had been asked (and always gets asked cause she is 60) if she has grand-children. She said that she had spoken to this lady a wee bit about my troubles cause apparently this lady had lost one also many years ago.

Now I am not angry with my Mum because I think she now realises how this kind of thing can come back to bite her in the @rse as she saw firsthand how affected by it I was. And I can understand that she too must get quite sad/annoyed when constantly being asked that question. But I was inconsolable. The only reason we didn't leave then and there is cause it was over an hour's drive to get there, plus I wanted to see my Mum, stepdad and my younger brothers and their young wives too (all childless at this stage, through choice, early 20's and all that).

Hence to say I avoided that lady for the rest of the evening and I told Mum today that I NEVER want to see her again, I am not surprised she has not got many friends in the area as she is just RUDE.

There was an Asian lady with my brother and his wife, she was staying with them, she looks about 18 (as they do!) and she is actually 27. This German lady also went at her like a bull at a gate with 'how old are YOU' and that was it - no follow up or explanation as to why she had asked. I guess it's just her way but I am sorry I don't think there is any excuse for RUDENESS, no matter what your nationality is!

How would you have reacted if a complete stranger had come up to you and changed the subject on you so swiftly and made it so personal?

I just wish I had managed to get my point across before she went off to play her round, but I was just gobsmacked!

Edited by MaebeeBaby

Yeah I can see why you got upset as for us someone speaking like that when they don't know you is shocking and does seem very rude. I don't think rudeness would of been her intention though, she was probably trying to make conversation/be nice, but in a German way.

I haven't been in your shoes so hard to say what I would have done, I have worked alongside Germans (and Fins, whose mannerism are similar) through work so am I bit more used to how they can be, but still around something so sensitive I think I most likely would have still got upset.

That sucks and if I was in your situation I would be mad at your mother for discussing your extremely personal affairs with someone you don't know.

In saying that I don't think the woman was trying to be rude, more trying to make conversation and not realising 1. how upset you were about it and 2. how to broach the subject well in English. In my experience (completely generalising here) I have found Germans to be very blunt and to the point in their conversation style.

I would have been upset too, but I somewhat see how your Mum was feeling, but I still feel she shouldn't have said anything.

I told the people in my team at work (4 people) about my m/c and it got out to the whole workplace (about 60 people) and I had a word to the people I told. They were all very apologetic.

Keep persevering. Don't punish your Mum, she'll be a mega support person when you're pregnant, she wants this as much as you do xx

I have not been in your shoes, so can't really relate but I wouldn't have been offended.   (Although I am not easily offended anyway, stiff upper lip english family and all that).

I think with her limited English and coming from a different culture it just came out a little differently, but not intentionally rude IYKWIM.    What she said wasn't overly personal really. Very personal to you I get that, but she can't have known your full story so probably had no idea of your personal struggle or everything you have been through.   She was probably just trying to be nice or make conversation.

Sorry, I just can't see anything wrong with it, (other than the patting you on the stomach thing, but she might have different personal boundaries to other people) I think you took it way too personally and overreacted.

People can't really make you feel that way unless you let them and unless it's intentionally hurtful or cruel, then I would just shrug it off or walk away and try not to let it get to me.    It probably didn't need to ruin your whole evening.

Also, this is just my opinion, and you can take it with a grain of salt as I'm not trying to offend you.    Everybody reacts differently to different situations and if you're ok with your reaction, then that's fine.

Edited by mamanee

mamanee wrote: I think with her limited English and coming from a different culture it just came out a little differently, but not intentionally rude IYKWIM.    What she said wasn't overly personal really. Very personal to you I get that, but she can't have known your full story so probably had no idea of your personal struggle or everything you have been through.   She was probably just trying to be nice or make conversation.

My Mum had told her of my situation - 4 mc's, one very recent.

It didn't ruin my whole evening, cause I avoided her and spent time with my family and other friends of Mum's and her DH's that I really like and get on well with - and even though they also know my full situation (because I have spent a lot of time with these people and know they have helped Mum through it all which has been brilliant for Mum), they never brought up the topic at all.

No offence to anyone but I always find that in these kinds of situations it is those who don't have children who can see a different side to those who do. Neither is right or wrong, it's just how we all see things differently that's all. Which is why I asked WWYD in this situation, so I am not arguing with anyone's opinion.

I usually 'hold my own' pretty well at times like this but it was a complete stranger versus a complete change in topic from something impersonal to very personal - WTF?!?

Also the mere fact that when she touched my stomach and I leaped backwards in shock should have alerted her that I wasn't comfortable with that to start with... and then she opened her gob...

I wasn't happy with my reaction at all - in hindsight I wish I had slapped her!

Edited by MaebeeBaby

hey Maebeeeee

I think you're probably right when ya say you get a different reaction from people with kids to those without.. previously i got preggo very easily and until this 13 months of ttc I truly didn't understand how hard and all consuming it can be ttc and it not happening! I think I have some insight into it now but know that I will never understand fully how hard it can be IYGWIM....

Sorry I hit send before I was finished...

Hi MB - so sorry this has happend to you. As I am german myself I feel the need to appologise for this womans benaviour! What a cow and how rude.
Appart from that all I can say is that maybe she used the wrong words in what she was trying to say. But that still does not explan why anybody would go up to a complete stranger and start this as a conversation. I asume your mum would have told her about your struggles and that you find it difficult to deal with this.

Can I say, I am also very direct and get myelf into trouble because of that. But she has taken it a few steps to far!

How horrible, I think I would have probably reacted similarly. It was totally out of line for the lady to bring up such a personal issue, even if your mum had confided in her about it. I think you're obviously a pretty strong person to have stuck around for the rest of the evening after having such an emotional slap in the face.

People can be so completely tactless and (often unintentially I suspect) cruel when it comes to talk of pregnancy and babies. To some extent I think we have to not take it to heart, and not take it as a personal slight, because I truly believe what comes out of people's mouths at times is often just not well-thought out. For those of us who have to endure a tougher road than most to parenthood, whilst in general I think we learn to develop a tough'ish skin to comments, it's not always easy to hide how much it can hurt. And again, I think what that lady said was totally totally out of line. It's bad enough when family get too personal with questioning, let alone a stranger.

Hey thanks everyone! Good to see both sides!

Kiwi_baby - as for Germans.... definitely no problem with Germans 'in general' which I am sure you have realised.

I have a German friend (who I have to add is the most amazingly gorgeous woman I have ever ever seen!!!) and she is direct, but certainly not rude! She was appalled also and promised me it's not usual 'German behaviour'!

I am okay with it now - probably cause I will never see her again - I made Mum promise never to let her near me again!

And I don't blame my Mum, she also needed someone to talk to, which is fair enough as she has been very affected by this as well, first grandchild in the making 'nearly 4 times' so I do understand why she needed to talk to someone - BUT she now knows that it is a very sensitive subject for me still and will be more careful in future - even if she just says to people that she has spoken to that it IS a sensitive subject and if they ever meet me, then don't let on!