How do I tell people?

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if I'm all up with the lingo as am kinda new to this, but we've been ttc for a year now. I've had a raft of blood tests, two ultrasounds and have been referred to have an MRI (HUGE waiting list) as there may be something odd with my uterus. We don't know whats wrong but it obviously isn't happening for us yet. We're both in our late twenties and otherwise the only health issue we know of would probably be that I am slightly overweight (BMI of 27).

Anyway, we've been married for five years so for the last five years we've had a lot of people asking (and in some cases - the same people asking on a monthly basis!) if we want to have kids. There has always been some excuse (still studying, buying a house, new career etc) as to why we aren't having kids right now, but now I just don't know what to say to everyone.

Some of our friends have kids of their own and I just don't think they'd understand how heartbreaking it is - and in some ways telling people makes it more real. I guess I'm so used to making excuses about why we are waiting that I just don't know how to tell the truth - even to close friends.

I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, but I also feel like it's a personal thing and I don't want advice or stories from people who haven't been there.

What do I tell people, and how?

I didn't want to tell people. I didn't want their sympathy - I know it's well-meant and all, but I didn't want to have to live with it. And the well-meaning advice that usually goes with it would do my head in. So we didn't tell anyone except a few close friends and family that we were TTC.

My stock-standard answer was a smile and "all in good time", which gives no clue as to whether you're even trying or not. Sometimes I used a slight variation "there's plenty of time for that" (there was. That didnt' change the fact we wanted it to have happened yesterday). Or "yes, perhaps one day" (there's no need for them to know that tomorrow would be good for you!).

Hi Ariel,
I'm 26 and DH 28, we are on a waiting list for ICSI(DH has very low sperm count)for July next year. .

We initially only told close friends and family of our troubles....but I have changed my mind a bit on this and feel ready to tell people. The reason is that I get annoyed now with people just assuming it's so easy to snap your fingers and start a family and I want to in a nice way remind people that it's actually not that easy and sometimes their questions can be hard for someone who is having trouble conceiving! And I also would like people to know now that we aren't actually putting off kids for our careers or house or anything but simply because we can't get pregnant.

I also found it very hard that after we had found out we were infertile, everything seemed to go back to normal and the people that knew, would never ask me how it was all going, when it was such a huge life changing thing that was affecting me and I WANTED to talk about it!So in the end I had a long cry to my mum and I truly don't think she realised how much it was affecting me, so she was the one that suggested that maybe I tell more people and just be upfront and it might make it easier rather than hiding this 'secret'.

And so far it has been quite good, I haven't gone blurting it out to everyone, but when the subject comes up I say whats happening, and I've been suprised at the number of people who are interested and who know so many other people going through the same thing.

Anyway sorry for the novel lol, I know not everyone wants to tell people but I just wanted to share how I've found it has worked for me. Before that though I used to just say 'soon hopefully' when someone asked when we were having kids...then they usually left it at that!

Hi there, i didnt want to read and run

so just offering big hugs...and i agree with the others, tell those tht you want to, and anybody else just tell them to mind their own business.

Good luck for your mri, i hope you get an appointment soon

I'm glad you're getting more comfortable with how you're going to go about things

The one thing I do feel strongly about is that there's no right or wrong way to do things here. As I see it, infertility is a ridiculously hard enough road without making it more complicated to please other people. So I reckon the best thing is to just do what you think you're going to feel most comfortable with - whether that's telling anyone and everyone, or no-one at all. What works for some might not work for others.

Edited by Hopes

I just tell them straight, and in the same breath not to offer any suggestions like "relax and it'll happen".

Thanks tischler.

After a friend confided in me about her fertility issues during the weekend I briefly told her about my own - first person I've truly talked to it about....and it was fine. I didn't even mind that she said we could at least have fun trying (although I'm sure after the 20th person says it, I'll mind a bit more).

Hi

I felt horrible telling people "we're not ready yet" or "when the time is right" when we were sooo ready and the time had been "right" for sooo long! Then I decided to be honest with close friends and family (only those I felt needed to know).

We did not have a great response and I sometimes wish I didn't tell anyone. We no longer have contact with any of our friends who know.

Our families try very hard to support us and they are lovely. They sometimes say the wrong things, and I have to accept that they don't intend to hurt me.

It was important to me to be honest. Now I have to accept that friends and family have a right to respond to my infertility issues in their own way, even if it is not what I need or what I expected!


Edited by chick98