*sigh*
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Stillbirth and Baby Loss
Forum Description: A place to support each other and share thoughts and memories after a stillbirt or the loss of a baby.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=25777
Printed Date: 12 May 2024 at 6:12am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: *sigh*
Posted By: kebakat
Subject: *sigh*
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 7:31pm
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I don't know what to title this. I guess I need to vent
Today is meant to be our wedding anniversary and we picked up Jareds ashes. Daniel was a little sh*t when we went and did that and screamed and tantrumed the whole time. DH went to work after we got home and Daniel continued to scream and tantrum for a further 2 hours and refused to eat dinner. Nothing would shut him up and I found myself getting quite angry. It's not like me  I usually have the patience of a saint with him as one of my friends puts it. I feel really guilty about that.
I'm sick of being asked how am I.. why do people have to ask us that really? If I say I'm not that good then they say sorry and don't know what to say to me. If I say I'm fine they look at me as though I'm lying. So why bother asking? I never know how to answer that. Why do people have expectations of us? my mw askes everytime shes here if we are going to do anything with the photos of him. I've been asked so many times when we are going to have a service. Why can't they just let me be and if we decide to do that then we will tell them. Why do all the health professionals who see us keep harping on about when we get pregnant again? I mean wtf, does no one believe us when we say we don't know if we will ever want to try again. Things just go from good to bad to bloody awful with us. I'd hate to think what is next install for us if we did try again. First I'd stress like hell until 6-7 weeks to see if its an ectopic then I'd stress further until 12 weeks to see if its survived and then stress until 16 weeks when we would be offered an additional scan which can be inconclusive so more stress until 20 weeks, all the while having hideous morning sickness the entire time. No thanks My house is a freaking pigsty, we have no clean dishes, there's a mountain of washing, daniels books and toys are everywhere and I have zero motivation to do anything about it. I have no motivation for cooking and eating so I generally just go without. So I feel guilty about that. I know people really do mean well when they talk to me but I'm sick of everything at the moment. |
Replies:
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 7:44pm
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I didn't want to read and run. I have no comprehension in the slightest of how you are feeling, so there's not a lot to say. What I will say is, I don't blame you in the slightest for feeling the way you are, and I hope that at some stage things get better for you, when you're ready for it.
Vent away, it's part of what OB is here for. |
Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 7:56pm
 Stacey. I don't blame you for feeling the way you are. I really hope things start to get better soon and that you have some good people around you for support. Thinking of you and your family .------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Leish
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 7:58pm
And Happy Anniversary  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 8:00pm
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Yep OB is brilliant for venting 
Are you guys getting much practical help, like with dishes and washing and meals? Is there anyone you could get to help you out a bit? It's no wonder you don't have the energy or motivation to do that right now. I can't imagine what you're going through as a family. It sucks and I wish no-one had to go through this sort of thing, ever. ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 8:03pm
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also didnt want to read and run and i wanted to say you can absolutely feel the way you do and also understandable to get a little angry!!. i havnt been through it personally but want to send hugs your way
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Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 8:17pm
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Hun you have every right to be feeling this way. It sounds like people are pressuring you to make decisions NOW when you don't have to. Gosh if I was were you I'd be pretty frank to those people and tell them where to go. Your MW for one doesn't sound like she's very supportive and would probably be better just leaving you alone. And the answer to people who ask how you are is "I can't answer that question". It's only early days and people shouldn't expect answers from you especially in regard to having another baby. They need to let you grieve Jared. And take as long as you need to do that. We are here for you. ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 9:09pm
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my avice... run away for a couple of days... go have a break somewhere where no one knows you and you dont have to explain yourself.... leave the dishes and mess (but dont leave the cheese grater in a sink of water - i did that once and believe me its not a pretty sight...).
people dont know what to say but think they should say something... and then probably feel dumb when they cant follow up. editing my bad spelling... |
Posted By: maudie23
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 9:19pm
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Stacey, you do what you what when you want.
Don't you let anyone tell you, you should be soing this, you should be feeling that. Don't worry about the house work, all that can wait. Can I ask do you have Jared @ home with you at the moment? If so you take as much time with your little boy as you need to. Daniel is more than likely feeling a bit off as well, he would know something is not right with Mummy so cut yourself some slack, you are doing the best you can. With the photo question that people are asking you, make sure you take your time with them, if / when you are ready to show people or put them up then you will but that is such a personal thing. When we lost our daughter my Dad flew over and I wanted her photos up straight away, Dad hung them and that was his special job. I also hated the questions, no-one knows what you are going through unless you have been through it yourself. My heart goes out to you Stacey. Just take as much time as you need. Iam sure your wee Jared was just beautiful & if you do ever feel like sharing I would love to see a photo of him. Remember do things in your own time & stop beating yourself up. ------------- 
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 9:34pm
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Can I still come tomorrow?? I will help you out with the house stuff. Don't worry about that I can help. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: kriss
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 10:14pm
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Didn't want to read and run, so am sending you many
It is okay to feel the way you do, especially at a time like this. Try and be kind to yourself, and take your time to grieve.. Happy Anniversary  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
Little Angel, April 10
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Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 10:45pm
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Lots of and Take as much time as you need hun.
Happy Anniversary ------------- Our Angel July 08  Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 08 April 2009 at 11:09pm
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Another one here who didn't want to read and run - although I honestly don't know what to say - just am here if you need to vent... OB is always here and no one is here to judge.
hugs to you all (cause you never can get enough of vertual hugs - if not the real thing) ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
876 |
Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 8:00am
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jsut wanted to send you loads of virtual hugs ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Mama2two
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 8:16am
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I didn't want to read and run either Stacey.
I think you are amazingly brave and a real inspiration to us all. Don't worry about Daniel. You are a fantastic Mum, and he is not going to be permanently damaged if you lose your temper with him occassionally. Just wanted to give you a massive and say that I hope tomorrow is a little bit easier.
Oh, and let Mummybecks do the dishes  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 8:17am
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I have been thinking of you lots lately Stacey, I appreciate that this must be one of the hardest times for you and your family.
You don't have to hurry to get over this, you also don't have to have any answers for anyone as I appreciate you probably don't even have them yourselves. I hope life starts to make more sense soon for you but in the meantime, we are all here to hear you vent. Its what we are here for (gosh Oh Baby rocks in that respect). ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 8:25am
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Vent away ------------- 
 
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Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 9:07am
I can't begin to wonder how you must be feeling. I also did not want to read and run. Everything I want to type sounds naff and cliche. Sometimes life just sucks!  
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 12:20pm
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I'd kind of like to run away for a bit but we can't afford to and realistically neither of us can be bothered with driving to get somewhere and then entertain daniel without bucket loads of toys.
maudie - we never bought Jared home with us, neither of us could do that. We have his ashes though. As for practical stuff MIL cleaned our house the day I was induced but I don't much feel like having someone cleaning up my house when I'm around. I feel bad for not moving my ass and them doing what I should have done and then I can't be bothered with chit chat |
Posted By: sweetpea
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 1:30pm
| i didn't want to read this run either. while i have no coprehension as to how you feel after what you have been through. I can say though thats it OK to feel the way you do you need to grieve and feeling like you do is a big part of it. Have confidence though that it will pass in time and you will feel better. Right now isn't the best time to make any decisons regarding your future and any future children you may or may not have. Prehaps in order for you all to move on you need to have some sort of service for Jared it doesn't have to be big prehaps a small family service with a tree planted would work. You will know in your own time when you want to do this and when to show those pictures. In the mantime take care of yourself and your family. |
Posted By: LJsmum
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 1:56pm
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journal write everything you are feeling down all the feelings.... anger, e.t.c (well i suppose OB is like a journal accept other people add to it! but in an actual book u can look back on it or burn it or rip it up. But writing may help.
Take care -------------  
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Posted By: kabe
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 2:08pm
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I can't imagine what you must be going through.
My friend gave birth to a stillborn daughter at 25 weeks. About 2-3 months later they had friends over for a remembrance afternoon tea, to acknowledge her life. They had a table set up with a photo album and some of her things. There was no speeches or anything like that . They found that it really helped them, especially having it several months after her loss. You have to do what feels right for you and in your own time Thinking of you all. ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BugTeeny
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 2:15pm
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for you Stacey.
Everything's already been said, so I just wanted to give you some
------------- 
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 2:40pm
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Sorry Stacey, I dont have anything helpful to say. Just hope life deals you some good stuff for a while. you've done your share of crap. Deal with it how YOU want to...but try and remember to smile occassionally.
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Posted By: errii
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 6:22pm
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I totally understand the wanting to go some where far away where people dont no you and wont ask questions, I felt like that to but didnt have the motivation or money to be bothered.
the best advice I got was to do things only when I was ready to and not to feel like I had to do anything any sooner than that. Dont clean your house until you want to do it and do not feel bad about it. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Baby Alistair 7/1/09 |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 09 April 2009 at 10:54pm
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Awww Stacey, don't worry about the mess. Clean what you need day to day and deal with the rest when your up to it.
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 10 April 2009 at 7:06pm
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Hugs Stace xox -------------   
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Posted By: Bubbaloo
Date Posted: 10 April 2009 at 9:54pm
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------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  Was danni-chick Mum to James My Angel 28/07/08 |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 10 April 2009 at 10:20pm
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Stace, didn't want to read and run. I'm thinking of you. Firstly - don't beat yourself up about Daniel - he will sense something's not right and will be acting differently, and of course it's natural for you not to have all the patience for him at the moment.
You have just been through some traumatic experiences which means life isn't normal, so stuff the housework and the dishes! If you need to curl up, stick Daniel in front of the TV and just do what needs to be done to survive, noone will blame you. I don't really know what else to say so will end it there. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family
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Posted By: Jessica
Date Posted: 11 April 2009 at 11:12am
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Give yourself time, and don't feel bad about it, what you have been though is so hard and you need plenty of time and space to deal with it, although I don't think you can ever completely 'deal' with it.
I can't believe people are already asking you about the next preg, I totally know the fear that surrounds that issue, people need to butt out. We found that lots of people have opinions but until you are actually in the situation yourself you really don't know how you will get through it, I really appreciated when people were there to have a chat, and not always pussyfooting around. We now talk about the twins all the time but it took us a while to get to that point and especially past the point where we cared about what other people thought of our decision (I still cringe at some of the comments we got!) Don't worry about the house until you want to, spend time with your family and I hope that Daniel is more settled for you now. Hugs and thoughts ------------- 
Our con-joined boys 20 wk |
Posted By: AN E
Date Posted: 11 April 2009 at 7:50pm
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Stacey, sending you lots of cyber hugs. . I can't imagine what you are going through. You are such a strong person. Thanks for sharing, and I wish you all the best for your future - whatever that may be.
If you ever did want to run away with family in tow (and come up to Auckland), you're more than welcome to a bed - and a house full of toys to share ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 11 April 2009 at 10:18pm
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Bigs hugs Stacey, I don't know what to say either, but I have been thinking of you lots.
------------- |
Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 12 April 2009 at 6:43pm
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Big hugs from me too Stacey and I too think about you ------------- susie |
Posted By: Natalie_G
Date Posted: 13 April 2009 at 5:48pm
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Been thinking about you heaps (even though you dont know me), just remember to do things at your pace when you are ready.
Big for you and your family.------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Sarahlou
Date Posted: 16 April 2009 at 11:56am
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Let it all out whenever you need to... we are all here for you!
(((BIG HUGS)))) ------------- http://counters.families.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 16 April 2009 at 10:44pm
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Stacey, have been thinking about you & how your family are getting on.
It has been an incredibly devastating thing that has happened to your family & my god dont they understand that you would be sh*t scared to try for another baby! Loss is a very private thing & you will deal with it in your own way. Just remember there are shoulders around for you to cry on & vent to. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 24 April 2009 at 3:52pm
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Stacey
Take all the time you need to grieve for Jared. Tell people that you will deal with photos, memorial etc, when YOU are ready and that you just aren't ready to do that yet. Don't worry about the housework, just try to take each day as it comes. And Daniel will be fine, we all get short / irritated with kids though generally with much less reason than you. ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: Niecey
Date Posted: 24 April 2009 at 7:37pm
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I wish someone would think...hey maybe I can just help with the housework..it doesn't have to be words to show you care. Many hugs to you and your family. Our hearts are with you.
Denise ------------- Denise http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: misty
Date Posted: 27 April 2009 at 4:33pm
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My best friend has only just put up a photo of her stillborn baby girl - and she died 2 and a half years ago. I know how much pressure she was under, not only to scatter the ashes (something they are still not able to do), but to GET BETTER. As my friend says, she will never be better. Her baby died for no reason - how do you recover from that? She asked me not to ask how she was doing... because the answer will always be the same. She's not good. So I don't. I ask WHAT she's been doing, I ask WHO she's seen, what she talked about at grief counselling today etc etc. Stacey, maybe you need to tell your family and friends not to ask how you are any more, I know I wasn't offended by this, I was just grateful to know that that was a question I shouldn't go near for a while.
x |
Posted By: Sarahlou
Date Posted: 28 April 2009 at 11:22am
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Been thinking about you Stacey....
I hope that time is starting to ease your pain a bit... Sarahlou xx ------------- http://counters.families.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 28 April 2009 at 3:47pm
| It's almost been a month already! |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 28 April 2009 at 3:54pm
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I know Stace I was thinking about that today when I was looking at the calendar for dates. I so hope the thing I have ordered for you and Rich arrives soon - Fingers crossed for Thursday. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 28 April 2009 at 3:58pm
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Wow, that went really quick. I hope that things are starting to make more sense now and that you are feeling better too. Still thinking of you! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Saffy
Date Posted: 29 April 2009 at 7:01pm
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Hi Stacey,
I don't really know much about you except what I've been reading here over the last month and really feeling for you. Boy has my heart churned for you - sometimes life sends the hardest things one's way and it makes no sense at all. Having lost my son, I get the whole can't be f'd, messy house, things not normal around you thing... and you know what? It really REALLY doesn't matter. Because nothing is normal. What happened wasn't fair, wasn't part of your grand plan and certainly alters your sense of reality. The only thing that matters is that you keep yourself safe and take one day at a time and keep talking. Survive on bananas if the thought of time in the kitchen is beyond you... I think I lived on toast for a long time! Grief counselling helped me a bit. Of course I didn't think I needed to do that for ages until after the event. What I did do though was go to some SANDS meetings and they are brilliant. The reason they're so great is that you can talk about Jared to your heart's content and the people there will get it. They won't offer you trite comments or feel awkward, or ask you when you're trying again blah blah blah.... they'll just take you for you. As for the medics asking you when you're going to try again - give them the swift f'off. Sometimes I think they think they're helping. I know that I found that extra painful because I didn't want to think about going thru that experience again and certainly resented them for prodding me on the subject. It felt incredibly invasive. Seriously though, give a SANDS meeting a try. It really gives perspective that there is a community of people out there who 'get' your hurt and will give you an avenue to vent all your frustrations and hurt. Take care. |
Posted By: Jessica
Date Posted: 30 April 2009 at 10:55am
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Good advice Saffy, I found SANDS really good as well -------------
Our con-joined boys 20 wk |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 30 April 2009 at 11:08am
| Thanks for the advice but I really want nothing to do with counselling or sands. I have a friend who is a psychologist if I really need something but its really really really not me at all. DH has had contact with a social worker and that works for him but yeah totally not me or something I feel comfy with. I have a good mate who I talk to about crap when I need to who thinks the same way I do about alot of things in life so that is handy cause he seems to get where I'm coming from better than most. |
Posted By: Sarahlou
Date Posted: 30 April 2009 at 12:12pm
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Stacey Im totally with you on that one... although SANDS is great and Im sure they help out a lot of people... but its either your thing or its not..... Keep on talking to that mate, It sounds like thats the thing for you... funny enough it worked for me too... my mate just happend to be my DH
Take care Sarahlou ------------- http://counters.families.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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