Remembering Marci Grace
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Stillbirth and Baby Loss
Forum Description: A place to support each other and share thoughts and memories after a stillbirt or the loss of a baby.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=30351
Printed Date: 02 May 2024 at 7:02am
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Topic: Remembering Marci Grace
Posted By: KiwiWonder
Subject: Remembering Marci Grace
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 8:02pm
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Marci Grace was born Wednesday, December 2, 2009 at 5:20pm after a fairly straightforward induction, and roughly 5 hours of active labour.
A scan on Nov 25th (at 21 weeks gestation) picked up that she had died in utero, and after time for arrangements etc was allowed, the induction was scheduled. As indicated on the scans, she was born hugely swollen (for what she ’should’ be) and many of her features were indistinguishable. That said, she had absolutely perfect palms and feet, and perfectly formed little ears and mouth as well. She weighed 480g. A service to farewell her was held today. I was going to attempt to speak at Marci’s farewell, but I didn’t. Partially I chickened out… but mostly I just couldn’t put words together coherently in a way that would make sense to everyone. not to mention I don’t like admitting pain, or particularly sharing the depth of it. my pregnancy with marci was fraught with distress and worry. Truly, there was no time in which I was fully excited about the pregnancy. First there was the wee shock of the pregnancy as the timing was not 100% planned (tho even from the beginning she was very wanted, she just set her own schedule). Plus as I’ve had a previous miscarriage (despite a healthy pregnancy in between) I know it’s not fully ’safe’ to get all the hopes up in that first trimester. I did tell quite a few people early on, but most of the people either would help support me through a miscarriage should it happen, or at least would understand and not be insensitive. what I didn’t tell many people was that I was fully expecting to miscarry. and it’s really hard to put into words my exact feelings about it all, because I know paranoia after a miscarriage is completely normal. My pregnancy with Katerina was directly after a miscarriage, with no cycle in between – but from day one with her I *knew* she was sticking around. Call it a gut feeling, or mother’s instinct. I didn’t have anything of the sort with Marci’s pregnancy – really, I think I knew all along that she would not be here for long. she made herself known, though. with my previous miscarriage, I felt nothing. It may well have been what they unhelpfully term a ‘chemical pregnancy’, because I did not feel a soul hanging around me, and I had no pregnancy symptoms other than a missing period and a positive HPT. Of course I grieved when I miscarried, but it was grieving possibilities rather than definites, the loss of hopes and dreams and what might have been. marci was different entirely. I tested with her before I was due for AF because I was feeling very pregnant, although not with anything concrete. It was more that gut feeling again. My sleep went to hell (which it did with Katerina too) and I was peeing all the time and my tastes had changed, tho no strong cravings or aversions. and I just knew, and got a positive HPT straight away. marci’s was my roughest pregnancy too. it’s the only one in which I’ve actually thrown up (though I had mild morning sickness with both Zamara and Katerina). I had fairly severe fatigue, incredibly sore breasts (more than my other two girls combined) achy, shifty joints, ligament pain that wouldn’t let me twist hardly at all, and a finicky tummy. (not aversions as such, just would be halfway through a meal and get the omg-stop-eating-*now* feeling). although I definitely had the urge to nest, I never got the burst of energy that’s meant to go with it, just a slight lessening of the fatigue of before. marci’s was also a magical pregnancy too. from very early on with her, I was ’seeing things’. That feeling of having something / someone move right at the edge of your peripheral vision – but when you turn to look, nothing’s there. It wasn’t so much an ‘I’m being watched’ feeling, but it was a definite feeling of presence. Really, it was as if someone was playing hide-n-seek with me but cheating in a friendly way. Marci is not a name I would pick, myself, it’s not at all in the style I tend to prefer. But she told me that was her name. I decided to find her a name once we were given a tentative diagnosis. I wanted something meaningful but not tacky. My first thought was ‘Faith’ but in reading stories of others I found faith was a common name for babies that didn’t survive, and it didn’t feel right naming a still living fetus that. I looked for related names (in meaning) and found Mercy. I hadn’t decided on it at all, was just kicking it around in my head so to speak. But I found every time I thought about it, it came out ‘Marci’ and not ‘Mercy’ – including the spelling. After about two days of that I accepted she was trying to tell me something, and I wasn’t going to fight it. I then thought to look up ‘Marci’ and discovered it meant ‘war-like’. To me that was both more optimistic, and more appropriate, than the meaning of Mercy. Grace, her middle name, was automatic – my babies middle names always have been. (I don’t know why – but I don’t question it, either) In utero Marci was incredibly quiet. I’ve had anterior placentas with all three of my girls, and never felt movements before about 17 weeks, but even after that with marci I felt very little movement. She did like to rest in such a way that, when I was lying down, it was like she was trying to poke out of my womb – I’d get a hard and definite lump on my right side (always the right) that was often uncomfortable. That trick babies (out of the womb) have of falling asleep on the parent when the parent is in THE most uncomfortable position – marci had that in utero. I hired a doppler when I was about 16 weeks pregnant with her, as the prognosis given by scans were consistently getting worse, and I wanted to have a better idea of when and if she left. I felt a bit like I was spying on her. She got back at me by routinely hiding from it. Only about half the time could I get a strong enough heartbeat that the doppler would give me a BPM reading – most of the other half of the time, I could hear a clear heartbeat myself, but it sounded like it was coming from a distance. I never worried in those instances, because it was clearly a fetal heart beat – but she established a pattern of this ‘hiding’ from the doppler. There were several times I couldn’t find her heartbeat at all, but would try again later and usually find it quickly then. It wasn’t that she wanted me to worry I think… she just liked to keep me on my toes. I knew roughly when she passed. It wasn’t a lack of movement, because she moved very little and it wasn’t at all uncommon to go a full day with no definite movements. The night before, I’d checked on her and gotten one of the quickest (in terms of speed of finding it) and clearest readings I’d gotten yet. It had been a really good day in general, and I went to bed feeling content and loved. As I lie in bed I thought about how every day I got a good reading on the doppler, I felt a little bit more hope that if she made it through this day, she could make it through the next, and so on. I talked to her that night, which I rarely did out loud. I told her that if she needed to go, she was free to – that I didn’t want her struggling and hanging on just for my sake. I told her that I did very much want her here with me – but that if that wasn’t meant to be I would accept it. And then I fell asleep and didn’t think on it. Until the next night, when I couldn’t find a heartbeat at all. As I put away the doppler, resolved to try again in the morning, I knew. I’m not sure if she’d actually gone then, or if she left overnight – but it was in that time period she left. Before when I couldn’t find the heartbeat, my first inclination was that she was hiding from me. This time… I knew this was it. That was the Sunday night / Monday morning. On Wednesday I had my next scan, which confirmed that her heart had stopped. Since her spirit left her body, I haven’t had her toying with me in my peripheral vision. There were several times her body shifted in utero, which was mildly disconcerting, but she never again was pushing against my right side like a cat nudging to say hello. My sense of Marci, from what she showed me in pregnancy, was that she would have been a truly awesome little girl. She had quite a different personality to either of her sisters, but I think would have meshed well. She would have loved hide-n-seek games, and lighthearted trickery such as ‘made ya look!’. Her wee swollen body spoke of struggle. Her spirit speaks of play and strength. 
 ------------- Margo |
Replies:
Posted By: RicKer
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 8:28pm
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Such a beautiful story. She touched so many hearts and will be greatly missed. My thoughts are with you Margo and your family.
Rest peacfully little Marci 
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Posted By: mothersinstinct
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 8:31pm
Beautiful Margo  , my thoughts have been with you and your family as we remember Marci and how she touched many hearts . ------------- Karyn Mum to J (7 years) and I (4) |
Posted By: Freesia
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 8:47pm
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Thank you for sharing Marci's story with us. I had been quietly following her journey and she has touched my heart as well. What a truely amazing little girl
My thoughts are also with you and your family -------------  
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Posted By: X
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 8:51pm
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Thank you for sharing your story Margo.
Little Marci truly touched so many people in so many ways-I will never forget her, or forget you for your strength & hope throughout this time. All along although I knew the prognosis was poor I kept hoping & praying for a miracle. I guess sometimes the miracles turn out to be the hope & strength that these tribulations inspire in people. Although Marci only spent a short while here on earth she will be remembered for ever. I am sure she is watching over her family & one day you will all be reunited & you will get to hold her again. Sending you big hugs & I hope that in time the hole in your heart gets smaller. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 8:56pm
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Thank you for sharing your story of your beautiful girl My thoughts are with you and your family xx
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Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 9:04pm
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Margo It's always so sad when angels fly home. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 9:10pm
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With tears in my eyes, I admire the strength & acceptance that shines through your writing. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 9:18pm
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wow, what a heartbreaking but heartwarming story all at once.
I really dont know what to say, so i will jsut send you big hugs, and fly with angel wings little Marci ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 9:19pm
Ditto. I have no other words (I tried to find them but couldn't), except that my thoughts are with you and your family at this time. |
Aliasmum wrote:Posted By: tishy
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 9:49pm
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to you and your family Margo.
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 9:54pm
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Huge hugs to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story & your courage. DH & I are thinking of you. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 06 December 2009 at 10:46pm
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Wow! Thanks for sharing your journey Hugs to you at this time, for your angel xxxx ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 12:08am
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Aww I have tears streaming!! What a beautiful story, thanks for sharing and having the strength to share with us. Thinking of you and your family during this sad time hun
Rest in Peace beautiful little Marci Grace ------------- Our Angel July 08  Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 9:06am
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thinking of you and your wonderful angel..what a magical time parts of the pregnancy were and what a wonderfully worded account of your truly hard journey...
thinking of you
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 9:18am
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Wow, I don't know what to say. Thanks for sharing and I think Marci is a beautiful name for your perfect little angel. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 9:31am
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 9:38am
| Thankyou for sharing your journey. I have no words, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you at this hard time. |
Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 10:04am
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There is still so much I wish I could say or write but I just still can't seem to put it into words to either you or Marci. I'll settle for saying thank you for letting me part of her journey and short life, she won't be forgotten.
xxx ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bumble
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 11:23am
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Thank you for sharing xxx |
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 12:13pm
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Thats just beautiful. Thanks for sharing that
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Posted By: NikkiB
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 12:50pm
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a very beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. My thoughts are with you and your family ------------- A very lucky mummy to two gorgeous boys: RB 3/10/2008 JB 29/12/2009 |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 12:59pm
| That is probably the most beautifully written thing I have ever read. Rest in Peace Marci, your time on earth was short but so very meaningful. |
Posted By: Emmi_
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 1:16pm
Me too. Although my tears are streaming... What a gorgeous wee girl Marci is. She is amazing, just like her mum. ------------- 
+1 May 09 Angel
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Posted By: NZ-rules
Date Posted: 07 December 2009 at 6:17pm
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Thank you for sharing your story Margo. I had been quietly following Marci's progress and hoping that she'd have the strength to pull through. Your strength through this has been amazing and I hope you and your family get through this difficult time now that Marci is at peace ------------- 
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Posted By: maudie23
Date Posted: 09 December 2009 at 10:05am
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Margo what an amazing woman you are. Marci was so beautiful and so very much loved by you and all your family.
I send you lots of hugs and strength through ths really hard time. Marci had the most precious wee hands. Fly with the angles now sweetie. One day you will hold you wee Marci again until then hold her very close to your heart. Thinking of you and sending you love ------------- 
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Posted By: shadowfeet
Date Posted: 09 December 2009 at 11:23am
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------------- 
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 10 December 2009 at 11:28am
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Im not sure where you find such strength, but wow, what an amazing woman you are, what an amazing Mum. And baby girl, rest in peace and love, you chose the perfect Mummy to celebrate your memory xx ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: LeahandJoel
Date Posted: 10 December 2009 at 1:09pm
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So sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and your family. -------------  
 
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Posted By: Zaylah
Date Posted: 10 December 2009 at 5:52pm
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Margo, by sharing your story, you have brought comfort to others who have or will go through a similar experience. I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been for you to write that.
And your gorgeous baby Marci has brought immense love and care into the world and this forum - with everyone's heart feeling for you and yours. You are both very admirable, and it is unbelievable how someone so small as Marci, has touched this many lives. Our thoughts, love, and hugs, are with you not just today, but every day. xxx |
Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 14 December 2009 at 12:18pm
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Thankyou for sharing ------------- susie |
Posted By: Andriea
Date Posted: 16 December 2009 at 6:43pm
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this is about the 5th time Ive been on here wanting to leave you some words of comfort, but each time i just cant think of anything that would make you feel any better
so I will say, Im thinking of you and your family and I too thank you for sharing your story. Marci has the most beautiful hands truly gorgeous. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 16 December 2009 at 8:40pm
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Oh Margo, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious wee girl Marci
Thank you for sharing her story and some of her photos ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: asicsgal
Date Posted: 17 December 2009 at 12:49pm
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Margo, thank you so much for sharing a time in your life that was very precious and heartbreaking all at the same time. You obviously had such a strong bond with Marci, and whilst I felt so sad reading your story it made me smile thinking about the games she would play with you and how she showed you her personality. What an amazing little girl and although she grew wings and decided to not stay in this life for long she will touch many through your amazing story. Thank you for sharing the photos, seeing her little fingers, they are so beautiful - what a treasure she was. Thank you for allowing us to share in your journey with Marci. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 22 December 2009 at 3:37pm
| With tears streaming i dont Know quite what to say , your story has touched my heart , Thank you for sharing this story about your Amazing wee Marci . My heart goes out to you and your family |
Posted By: Roses are Red
Date Posted: 02 January 2010 at 9:08pm
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Like most others I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I read the story of your little girls fight - both you and Marci have shown great strength and courage and my thoughts are with you and your family as you try to find a way to live with the void she has left in your life.
------------- 
Angel March 2011
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Posted By: Caro07
Date Posted: 05 January 2010 at 9:52pm
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KW - I think of you and Marci often and feel really privileged to have shared your journey together. I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you and your family are all looking after each other.
You have both influenced many lives in ways you will never know and Marci will never be forgotten. Thinking of you all ------------- Caroline, SAHM to 2 boys, S (4 years old) and J (2 years old) 
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Posted By: JodyR
Date Posted: 19 January 2010 at 6:08am
| Marci's story is beautiful and very sad. She does indeed have beautiful little hands. I can appreciate what you say about her telling you her name too, that happened to me with all three of my babies, including when Ally was stillborn. It wasn't a name we had considered, although Alistair was discussed briefly, but it just came right to us as being the right one at the point just before he was born. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can just picture her as you describe her, the type of little girl she would have been. When I think of Ally I see him as tall, red hair, sporty and Elisabeth (her middle name is also Grace) as being a bit of a tomboy, taking no nonsense, clever and wanting to work with animals. I admire your strength in sharing this will everyone so soon and Marci's story is one I won't forget. xx |
Posted By: febbabe
Date Posted: 26 January 2010 at 9:03pm
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