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    Posted: 18 October 2016 at 8:54pm
Hi ya. Sorry I went awol. Would PM but where the heck has that gone since I was last on here?

Glad you've had that appt over with and can think about the future. It's amazing how that gives closure even if no answers as to why.

So we had our conversation. It sucked. Was very very hard. DH basically said that he felt he should 'set me free' because he didn't want to do another ivf and didn't want to be the one holding me back. I refused that offer lol. I'm not about to chuck 12 years out the door over having a baby. So we've ceased ttc. He's open to trying foster care but for now we're just being us. For me that means remembering what it was like to live a normal life. I won't say it's a walk in the park and I hold onto some hope that one day the universe will bless us with a child somehow. I still grieve every day for Paige. I wish things didn't end like they did. And it makes me angry. Anywho due to us not ttc anymore I ceased the forum. Just checked in here because I'd been thinking of you.
Hope you're doing ok hun xx Will lurk around and check in here but if you want to keep in touch my email is [email protected] seeing as we can't seem to do the PM thing any more.
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Here's to your new future!!! Xx
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LP pka Rainyday View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LP pka Rainyday Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2016 at 2:08pm
So we're on the otherside of all that now (at least what I last posted about).
A really tough week full of emotion. We were not told anything new about Micah's condition, it was "bad luck".
Feeling good with the start of a new week and focusing on the future now.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LP pka Rainyday Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 September 2016 at 8:10pm
Gosh, that's tough for your cousin-in-law. So many ppl walk a hard road and we mostly ahve no clue.
Have you had that conversation with DH? I hope it was a gentle one at the least. The head talk drives you mad doesn't it?

3 more sleeps til due date and we have our follow up appointment at the hospital on the same day. I rang at 9 weeks post partum and there was no report so no appointment had been made, finally rang again last week and the response was "Do you want a follow up?" I couldn't say no to the appointment on Thursday as I didn't want to have to wait any longer and I'd already applied for leave. One upside is the appointment is local.

I'm struggling, I just want these next few days over and done with.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote babycrazy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 August 2016 at 8:12pm
Oh hun. I so get how you're feeling. I was a wreck when I got the photos of Paige. DH hasn't even looked at them - that I'm aware of. He's happier just putting that in it's place and that's it. Although after his wee meltdown I'm wondering how he is actually coping. Hard to see them hurting as much as us huh. Everyone worries about the mother a lot of the time but then it's also the bloke who has to deal with it too.

My cousin-in-law and I caught up last week. She and my cousin have lost 4 pregnancies - 3 at the 16-20wks mark and one later on. I can't begin to imgaine......but my point is that she said their grief worked out quite well as she would cry every day for 3-4 months and then start to feel better and once that happened he would have his moment. Timing worked that she was a lot stronger to be there for him when he wasn't ok any more. If that makes sense.
They ended up not having children. All 4 were unrelated issues with those 1 in 100,000 type statistics.

Anywho..I'm stoked you got to see your house model. That's super exciting.

Things are better in our house this week. Still haven't had a conversation about anything major but we'll have to soon. Quite nice just to 'be'. I have moments where I think I can handle this no kids thing and then others where I just get so gutted about what my life is going to look like. Stupid thing is I worry most about what life will be like when I'm old and have no kids to look after me. And people look at you in a different light if you don't have children...like you're weird or something.
Gah - thinking about it does my head in!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LP pka Rainyday Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 August 2016 at 6:20am
I think that the reason why that hurt was it gave me a little insight into how much hubby is still hurting. I wear my emotions on the outside and while I know he still grieves I didn't realise how much.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LP pka Rainyday Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 August 2016 at 6:18am
Oh BC. My heart goes out to you both. We get thrown the curve balls one after the other after the other! Time for a break now universe come on!

Rental is ok. Plenty good enough for short term. Got to check out a finished model of our new house yesterday which was great

Collected Micah's casts yesterday and was a complete mess. Love looking at them now though. Hubby saw them but didn't touch. He said I'll have a look later and I thought it was because DS was there and just wanted to play with them so I got them out when he was a asleep thinking he'll have a touch but he just looked at me and said "I will in my own time"
I was so desperately wanting them I never stopped to think that hubby wouldn't be ready. I talked to him later on and he said he wants to be alone when he looks at them. That hurt my heart a little thinking about him being alone while doing that. But I understood.

Edited by LP pka Rainyday - 22 August 2016 at 6:19am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote babycrazy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 August 2016 at 10:05pm
Hey chick. Huge hugs as the due date rolls around Hun. I won't lie it's not a fun time so
I'm sending you all the strength I can.

Yeah things here haven't been so hot lately. DH had a health scare, long story, and still 100% sure what caused it so we've been dealing with that. I'm picking it's all stress related. Ended up putting Ivf on hold (would've been in the thick of it now) as last weekend he had a meltdown and I just decided it's not worth wrecking us over right now. So yeah been a bit full on these past couple weeks. We haven't really talked about how he's feeling and at the start of the week I was quite worried about him but he seems to have brightened as its gone on. For now I'm just leaving it but will have to face the elephant in the room eventually. And it may mean we stop with the whole baby thing. I'm giving myself time to process that possibility before I approach the topic.
Needless to say the grief has been quite strong 🙄

How's the rental going?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LP pka Rainyday Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 August 2016 at 9:30pm
Crikey life has been crazy.

Today should have been my last day of work as I had planned a few weeks before due date. Not sure how I feel.about the pending due date.
Mostly feeling ok about things

How are you BC? Where are you at with ivf?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LP pka Rainyday Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2016 at 8:21pm
Yeah my friend is very open but even she said, she feels like it's an elephant in the room. Kind of refreshing though.
Oh that's awful that DH had to explain that, sounds like it was good you weren't there. Yikes.

Might have to lurk on you in the IVF thread then!

Yes, we secured a rental today which is a weight off my mind!! Now the planning to actually move which might be happening when I'm at a business conference in the gold coast! Bad timing but we'll make it work.
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Yay for a lovely lunch today. And yay that you're friend was open to chatting about Micah too. Grief is a bit strange and I don't think you can truly appreciate it until you've been through it. I have a few friends who aren't too afraid to ask how I am, and actually mean it (if that makes sense). I try to be pretty honest, especially if I'm not doing well. But it's quite interesting really as it's like there's a time limit on asking about the loss of a baby and then people just stop. It could also be me though as I find I don't talk so openly as I was. Guess I don't want to people to feel sorry for me. Not to worry, I keep her alive in my mind.
Random awkward story though - DH was in a shop the other day and the lady who served him knew us and mentioned that I mustn't be far off due so then he had to explain what happened to her. But being typical him he said it in such a crass way that I cringed when he told me, thankfully he did explain the full story.

Back to work this week which has helped as a distraction and keeps my mind busy so life is ticking along nicely. First lot of drugs arrived yesterday but still a couple weeks before I start the IVF.

Stink you haven't had you're appt yet. 11+ weeks is way too long to wait. I'd almost be ringing now.

Did you sort out where to live now that you're building?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LP pka Rainyday Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 July 2016 at 2:40pm
hi lovely,
no we haven't had our follow up yet. I've been waiting for it. NOw that I know the report is in, if I don't get an appointment soon i'll follow up.
Hope you get out of your funk soon. Glad you got through your due date. There are lots of babies popping up on facebook lately which has been alittle hard to see. Sometimes that personal bubble is there to protect you I think and you need to spend a bit of time in there so you can face the real world again.
Golly I think it's inevitable but I really hope the IVF doesn't add too much to the craziest in your head.
Had a lovely lunch with a friend today and we chatted about Micah and I was surpirsed at what made me cry and what I could talk about easily. Grief is such an odd thing.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote babycrazy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 July 2016 at 8:05pm
Huge hugs hun. Never easy when something like that comes out of the blue. Only natural to be a bit wobbly here and there.
Great news about the house. Congratulations. Wow cool to have a brand new build to move into eventually.
You haven't had a specialist follow up yet have you re Micah?

My mind is a bit more settled. I've reflected that the week prior and then during AF is clearly playing a massive role in my state of mind. Honestly I thought I was going to go insane and then once AF finished everything settled in my mind and I felt heaps better. Even got through the whole 'due' date thing. I must admit though I'm finding things like my confidence are shot. I over think things - especially interactions with people and then it upsets me or plays on my mind. I'm pretty sure most of the time I'm blowing things ways out of proportion. Then I have moments where I feel like I must be the worst person in the world to be around because I feel so angry inside and sometimes can't think outside my own bubble.
See .... this is me after AF has finished so chuck in hormones and yep going insane. Start IVF next cycle which I guess is probably also adding to the mind-f*** that I'm having right now.

But in spite of all that I've just spewed onto the page I'm still at 90% ok. Believe it or not.....
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Took DS to the doctor today for a general check up after a nasty cough that's not letting up. He's fine of course but GP did mention that the autopsy report is back for Micah. I was a bit numb when she said that. She said there was "nothing we didn't already know" in there but I still didn't read it. I'll request a copy and see whether we will also have an appointment with the dr to go through it.
Very wobbly this morning, I hope I'm not like this every single Monday
11 weeks today.

On a lighter note we went unconditional on a house, new build (partially done with framing and a roof) so now the tough part of finding somewhre to live in the mean time as the settlement dates are way out.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote babycrazy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 July 2016 at 9:23am
Hey. Away with girlfriends for a night hence delayed reply. Glad to hear your period has settled. I was lucky to have my body just go straight back its usual routine.

Sorry to hear you've been up and down. I have too, due date was this week coming so I keep thinking about that. Hopefully once that passes I can start thinking forward a bit more. I still have awful moments of how unfair it all is. Big hugs Hun.
Bummer you missed another house but hope the next one is the one.

Off for a day shopping now but back to the grindstone tomorrow 🙄
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LP pka Rainyday Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 July 2016 at 2:06pm
Sunshine and spa sounds amazing. Crazy how such a wee girl can put you so out of line physically. Glad you're feeling better.

We will definitely ttc again. Probably next year i would say. Could change my mind on that though.
CD4 on period 2 since giving birth and going on the pill. I think it's taken me four days to use the same number of pads and tampons I did in one day last month. So Glad I'm on the pill & don't have to deal.with such horrendous bleeding.
Going to the Gold coast next month for business conference so.will probably skip that period.
Been pretty up and down this week.
Looking at putting an offer on a new build (just framing at the moment) as we missed out at auction again last week


Edited by LP pka Rainyday - 17 July 2016 at 2:07pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote babycrazy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 July 2016 at 4:16pm
Totally enjoying my break. Daily sits in the spa at the parents are just lovely. The sun is shining and I can just lay around reading my book if I want lol. Got my back / pelvis fixed today. Was out of line after having Paige.
You sound like you're doing better each week Hun. Always going to be those tricky days but the time between stretches further.
A crystal ball would be fricking awesome - is love to know what the next 6mths will bring. No further just that far.

Well done for surviving today with your mums group. Always tricky.
Do you think you'll try ttc again sometime in the future?
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Hope you seriously enjoy your down time at home. Yes a good cry does wonders.

Sounds like you are doing so well BC. Things improved over the weekend.
The busy-ness is really helping. It gives me something to look forward to and I'm not even thinking about TTC again which is a weight off my shoulders for now.

It's so sunny and warm (inside) today have already been out for a play date/coffee with our mums group. Two preggy ladies, was a little hard to see their bellies but quickly brushed it aside.

Some days I wish I had a crystal ball and other days, I think that it wouldn't help at all!!
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I'm back. Sorry for such a quick post I was in line at the supermarket lol!
Have arrived at my parents for r&r until Friday. Exhausted so it's a welcome holiday.

Strange what makes you teary hey. The thought of pak n save hurts me - that's where we went right after our first bad scan with Paige - DH got groceries while I cried the whole way round. Coming home was a hurdle too. Last time I was here was just before we had our MFM appt and it was my brothers wedding. Had to pretend all weekend things were amazing.

Anywho like you say onwards and upwards. Feel better for my big cry. Sorry you missed out on the house you wanted but think something will come up at the right time. Good to hear the business is going well and busy too.

Have mixed feelings about the ivf. I like to be in control of my life but during ivf you're at the mercy of the clinic and trying to juggle work can be full on too. But work is amazing so that halves the worry.

Hope your weekend goes ok. Good to hear from you Hun xx
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Man must be the day for it - having a major low that day. Almost lost my sh*t at netball - got to car and bawled. On my way to stay with my parents. Much needed break.

Stink about your results. I get how upsetting it is that's for sure.

Gotta go but will post later today. Xx
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