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nellybelly 
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 Topic: upset and need to vent a little!
Posted: 26 August 2008 at 1:46pm |
Talking today with someone who is extremely 'sensible' and 'factual' telling me in great detail how MC is just nature's way of making sure only healthy babies are born.
They were saying how it's best if MCs aren't ever prevented, blah blah. Their example was their mother's spina bifida baby, the doc had her on bedrest and look at the terrible outcome because she didn't MC, etc etc
I was thinking, ok, you know I've had at least 2 MC, how do you think this story is making me feel? Didn't say much, just wanted the talking to end. Felt like crying.
It's like, ok I have gone through this, maybe I have thought about these things a bit too and there is a massive emotional aspect as well that you are ignoring!!!
And surely not all threatened MC that are prevented result in an 'unhealthy' child?
Cheez! Some people.
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HippyMama
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Posted: 26 August 2008 at 7:07pm |
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What a bloody awful thing of her to say! Her comments actually make me quite angry, so I will leave it there.
Big hugs to you hun, I can totally understand how you felt.
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Mama to two earth walkers & two angels.
Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being. ~ Kittie Franz
Next Slingbabies! Meet - Friday 4th May !!
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BusyMum2three
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Posted: 26 August 2008 at 7:26pm |
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Oh NellyBelly, some people can be SO insensitive! Big hugs to you...and I wouldnt take on board anything she has said.
xx
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cuppatea
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Posted: 26 August 2008 at 9:02pm |
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mum2paris
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Posted: 26 August 2008 at 10:14pm |
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The stupidly annoying thing is that DUH! these are all the things usually going around in your own head at times like these - you don't need some silly person adding to them, you want them to be there for you and to just shush about all the other stuff.
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Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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WestiesGirl
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Posted: 26 August 2008 at 11:41pm |
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Our Angel July 08  Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived
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nellybelly
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Posted: 27 August 2008 at 1:22pm |
So good to have supportive thoughts from you all, thank you heaps 
Makes me feel not as alone with all these strong feelings I get sometimes!
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mummyofprinces
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Posted: 27 August 2008 at 5:14pm |
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I think that has to be THE WORST thing people can say to you. Excuse my language, but no sh*t sherlock! That does not mean I would love my disabled child any less than an abled child. Why cant people understand that?????!!!!!! ARRRGGGHHH
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Hope
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Posted: 27 August 2008 at 7:43pm |
Hi Nellybelly,
Sorry to hear you had to hear that cr*p. People can be so insensitive and unthinking when it comes to miscarriage. Often the people who spout off are those who haven't even experienced it or they are just parroting some views they have heard from somewhere or other.
What really makes me mad is how people try to make you feel better by telling you the 'facts' about miscarriage. Hello, any woman with half a brain will know about these and will have spent way too much time stressing about them anyway.
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nellybelly
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Posted: 27 August 2008 at 11:21pm |
Yes do they think we lose a brain as well as a baby? I felt like a little girl being told the facts of life or something.
I know it's hard for people to know what to say sometimes but just a caring ear helps me best. Especially from people who have been there too.
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caitlynsmygirl
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Posted: 28 August 2008 at 2:28pm |
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I havent been there, and i hope you dont mind me lurking in here , i just read what your "friend" said and even with out going thru a mc, i have come to the conclusion that shes an idiot, and that very clearly people with closed minds need to learn how to shut their mouths.
Big hugs hun , im not going to pretend to understand what you are going through, but im sorry that on top of what you are going through you have to put up with peoples "facts' as if you didnt know .
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nellybelly
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Posted: 28 August 2008 at 5:10pm |
Lurk away caitlynsmygirl  I have lurked around the forums a bit myself ... lol 
You are so right, it doesn't matter that you haven't been through the exact same thing - I'm so glad for you that you haven't! Plus everyone's experience can be so different too.
The heart behind the words really counts  and an open, supporting mind.
If those aren't happening, zipped lips are better!
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Charlie31
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Posted: 28 August 2008 at 5:38pm |
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Hi - Agree people who have never been through a mc really should say nothing. After my first mc I had friends/family saying - dont worry, I had one and the second pregnancy was fine, or saying - well at least you can get pregnant! Then after the 2nd mc I was told the same - it will happen, be patient, stop stressing, stop exercising soo much, stop this stop that - well it prooves you can get preg easy so 3rd time lucky bla bla bla. Now after my 3rd mc in a row (all within 8months) I am wondering what the comments are going to be now! It just frustrates me and if any of these friends ever have a mc I feel like saying to them - its natures way, dont worry next time will be ok....lets see how they like it! All I can say is having 3 mc in a row in 8 months has been very tough - on top of that in April this year my mum had a brain haemorraghe and stroke. My sister had a baby and this has been rubbed in my face. This forum has been fantastic to read and I appreciate all the posts - everyone is different and that is evident. I intend to read as much as I can and keep pushing to get answers. I wish everyone all the best of luck and I hope one day we can all be talking nappies and teething.....it's nice to know we are not alone!
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Hope
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Posted: 28 August 2008 at 9:21pm |
Oh I'd like to have a wee vent too... when I experienced my loss I was told someone about it and then they kindly said 'Oh my sister got her daughter within one month of trying'. ... Its not that I'm not happy for people who easily conceive and have successful pregnancies but sheesh, I was a bit raw at that point to have that kind of thing rubbed in my face!
I do think people get nervous about the m/c topic and don't know what to say, but still, a BIT of thought before speaking would be appreciated. 
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nellybelly
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Posted: 29 August 2008 at 2:19pm |
What!!! Oh my gosh I want to slap that woman!!! (sorry if that is awful but it does bring out the aggression in me!)
People often don't seem to handle talking about MC that well - I wonder if it's partly how it's kind of 'taboo' or something. Like not a nice thing to bring up, impolite or something. And sometimes it seems like people are surprised that you might be sad, like it's not a real loss. Makes me sadder and madder!
It is really good talking with people who have experienced MC, much as I wish none of us had to have ever gone through it. And it's true that there are a lot of people who haven't gone through it who are truly supportive and amazing too! yay for supportive people with big hearts!
On another note, I just got US results back that I have a dermoid cyst in my most ovulatory ovary 
Does anyone know much about how this affects things in the babymaking arena? Felt like my chances were already skewed towards 'low'... definitely don't need this kind of news, specially if it's real bad for babies.
Edited by nellybelly
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MalibuBarbie
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 11:48am |
I am also one who has wanted to vent about this subject of miscarriages for a very long time. I hope you guys don't mind. Here I go.... Before I married my husband we had a very rocky on off relationship and while experiencing an 'off' moment in our relationship I fell pregnant to another man in a one night stand situation (TMI, I know) . My husband and I talked things through and he was there for me right through and we got married when my DS wat about 2 and a half. Even though My DH looked on my DS as his own we wanted to have a child together. The time we got married was chosen so that we would be married before concieving but also so our children would be about three years apart in age. I got pregnant while on our honeymoon. We told our families and close friends but no one really seemed happy for us. My parents were actually quite peeved. I lost the baby at around 7 weeks. We had no one to turn to for support and it was one of the hardest times we had ever been through. When I told my closest friend she smiled, well I'm pretty sure she did anyway and then went on to ask how soon you can take a pregnancy test as she thoguht she was pregnant. Another close friend of mine told us that we shouldn't have told anyone so soon and that it was our fault that no one was supportive because of when we told them. My mother went on about how she had never had a mc which worsenend the situation. My DH and I had a really difficult time dealing with the mc as we felt we had no one to lean on and that no one understood why we were so sad. To us we had lost our precious baby, our first child together, the one that had been concieved on our honeymoon. People never seemed to get the gravity of the situation. I look at it this way. If I had miscarried when pregnant with the children I have today, well they wouldn't be here. I think that adds a lot more importance to the loss of a baby and to me that is what a mc is, the loss of a baby. I wish the people out there who have absolutely no sensitivity to this subject would understand. I found the nz web site http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/what_mis.html quite useful for myself so if you think it might do the same for you I encourage you to take a look. I also read an article about a lady who had a threatning miscarriage and went on to have a healthy full term baby. I think there is some stats on threatning miscarriages on the above web site if anyone is interested. I added my mc to the list of mc's in that forum on oh baby and already I feel better because now I know it's not just my husband and I that have acknowledged that we actually have lost a baby.
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peanut butter
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 3:36pm |
I think we need to look at it like this. Sometimes sh*t things happen for no logical reason and to perfectly nice people. The more people talk about miscarriage, hopefully the easier it will be for people experiencing it to deal with it. The nicest thing I had was my GP saying to me "Even though its early on, it is still very sad and you are allowed to be upset". That is what you want to hear.....not a reason from an unqualified "expert".
BIG HUGS!!!
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Kelzbelz
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Posted: 12 September 2008 at 1:09pm |
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Hi guys, just lurking here, but just wanted to share some of my experiences and discoveries...
I MC in March this year at 9 weeks, I had similar comments about it being natures way of making sure no unhealthy babies are born, it is like you are being physically slapped when people say stuff like this and it is from your family and friends too! I also got the "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "my friend got pregnant within 3 months of a MC"....I mean I know people don't always understand what we are going through, but I would rather a hug, than these comments which you carry with you forever.
Big hugs to all the ladies who have gone through it!!
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Mum_mum
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Posted: 12 September 2008 at 1:39pm |
I was talking to my male boss yesterday, his sister had just miscarried after IVF and he knows i miscarried too. Well he tells me that sometimes these things are for the best and goes on to say that he saw a boy at the mall that was sooo disabled and that it just shows how nature taking its course is for the best sometimes. Well gosh i know i don't want a disabled child but sheesh, what a thing to say!!! 
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BusyMum2three
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Posted: 14 September 2008 at 6:23pm |
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Its alright Hannabil, my best friend said exactly the same thing! I couldnt believe she said that!
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upset and need to vent a little!
