Whos got PND or PTSD?

I think I may have had PND with first daughter(Sophie), but didn't realise that was what it was. Possibly even PTSD. As it was a pretty scary birth experience for me. As I remember when she was a baby I'd lose the plot on occasion and once I smacked her and then she cried, like it scared her and then I started bawling, as I didn't even know why I'd lost the plot and hit her. I used to spend what seems like a lot of her life yelling at her and I really don't know why, as she was really well behaved. I think becoming a Mum was a big shock to the system, though I really wanted a baby.

I've had a few crappy days recently. I said to DP, I get why people who are stressed, financially and otherwise and don't see a way out commit suicide, as it seems like an easy out. I did tell him, I was just seeing how people could go there, but I don't plan to go there. It probably worried him. He really doesn't understand PND or depression though. The other day, I'd been getting really annoyed at older child and though I was being mean and grouchy, she still wanted a hug and then I felt like utter sh*t and wanted to go cut myself    I hate that feeling. I've felt that low a few times in the last few days. Just before I was yelling at Annabelle and telling her to just shut up and get over it already. I think she was overtired. I was just hungry and have a real sore back and am generally not feeling good. But still, I wish I wouldn't get pissed off at her like that. It's not a good feeling    It seems like MMH are actually finally acknowledging how depressed I am and how I'm really not coping. I think due to me saying I wanted to punch Sophie in the face and only not doing it because I was driving and how I'm worried about really wanting to hit her, though I didn't. But I said, I couldn't say whether I would or wouldn't have done it if I'd not been driving. I think when they think it's just a thought you are having, they don't take it seriously. But when she got that I was worried and felt like I really could've done such a thing, she woke up to the fact that I really need more support. I was having a bit of a crap day when she saw me. I was getting really defensive. Like she said that some of Sophie's behaviour is environment and I got bit*hy and said, it's not all me, a lot of it is troubles at school and her development being delayed, so stop putting all the blame on me!    I was also saying, her Dad being really slack at seeing her really doesn't help. I am very honest with MMH and PND phone support these days and let them know how I really truly feel. Like how I've never really been keen to do activities with Sophie that people suggest and I feel like a really crap parent and how due to her bad behaviour it's really hard to want to spend one on one time with her and also sometimes I just wish I could give her to her Dad. I think I have an issue with people telling me what to do(it's not them really telling me what to do, it's just suggestions). I tend to think they are saying I should do this or that and some part of me tends to rebel against that. MMH ask me if they think I will be like that towards Annabelle when she is older, but I said I really don't know, as she is only a baby and I have a partner around this time, so I really don't know if I will be better in that area or not. Apparently I'm not the only parent like this, but a lot will not admit to having these feelings. MMH was asking me again whether I would consider medication, but I said, if there was one that worked for me, long term, then yes, but none have so far. I'm starting a parenting course next week, so I hope it helps me. Plus it's refreshing to know I'm not the only one with a problem child. It just didn't help me when MMH lady said a few weeks back, sort Sophie's behaviour now or she will be an out of control teenager. My thinking is, she could be a bit more sensitive and word it more positively, as I hold on to things people say which are particularly negative. Better thing to say would've been 'if you work on improving Sophie's behaviour now, you'll be set and equipped for when she is older and have the strategies to deal with anything that comes your way.' Yeah...I tend to read too much into things and have conversations in my head about how things should've gone or should go and what I think people should say. I over think too much and I often go over scenarios in my head, which may never happen and often find myself thinking people don't like me and reading way, way too much into everything. I'm also worrying often about horrible things happening to either myself, my children or my DP. I think I'm rather anxious, worrisome and fearful. It's like my minds default is negative and like my mind is wired to think of the worse case scenario, instead of good and positive things. It's probably years of wrong thought processes and events in life causing my brain to wire itself this way.

Edited by escadachic

E-chick (I keep forgetting the spelling so I'm shortening it!): I think it's helpful to be able to see what we've picked up through our childhood that makes us who we are today and work on those things. But you also need to remember that much of this is "just the depression." A lot of that negativity is not you - it's the depression. If you can grasp that a bit more, it will help to relieve the feelings of guilt that you have.

Sure, you need to do something about it, but don't be too hard on yourself!

I had a terrible day today and I have to say I'm not coping. I don't have adequate support and my DH is unable to give me the support I need. So things are getting worse for me mentally and I am also worried about my son and the way I shouted at him (he's just a baby!) and felt like I couldn't manage today. I need help too. I wish the system would just bloody well hurry up.

So no - you are not alone... and I feel bad about myself too for not being able to cope better. I do really want help but there seems to be not much out there for me

Yeah I totally agree re: chocolate

kelly,i hope they up your support to get where you need to be. I also want to say your are not alone in your feelings, I feel much the same as you do a lot of the time except I dont have the baby yet. I find myself negative thinking, yelling a lot and feeling like i need to hit something or someone. it is the scariest thing when you no longer feel in control and feel like you have become someone other than yourself.

What a crap day today

DS woke at 5.30am, talked to himself till 6am and then started crying. I figured he was hungry, but instead of getting up to feed him, I ended up having an argument with hubby for half an hour about whether I should. He thinks it is time we let him CIO, because apparently he has to learn that he doesn't dictate everything. I so disagree, cause I think he is still young (6 months) and doesn't know that it is too early to eat, or that he isn't "allowed" to feed because he should be sleeping.

Eventually at 6.30am I got up and fed him one side, thinking he might go back to sleep. No way was that happening. So we started our day. I then offered him the other side (he always takes both) and he refused! And has been off all day since. Slept till 3pm this afternoon, and now I don't know whether to give him an afternoon nap or not. I am so unsure of myself today!!!

TOTALLY sucks.
Sorry, just needed to vent

Annabelle has been being difficult with her sleeping lately too. Like waking sometimes as early as 3:31am or 5:30am and thinking it's awake time and not going back to sleep for 2 hrs! Today I got a bit over her being difficult and yelled at her to shut up. Very loudly    And DP came downstairs to see what was up and tell me not to yell at her. Yeah like that helps! I was like, I'm sleep deprived, sorry I lose the plot sometimes!

Hugs to everyone who needs them.

I hear you ladies about the poor sleep. Ben has been sleeping badly all year with his teething, but we had a slightly better night last night so I am feeling a little better.
I have been feeling quite lonely since I haven't caught up with my coffee group in 2wks due to us being sick. Plus I don't feel like I have anyonw to talk to about Ben's bad sleeping as none of my friends seem to have the same problems. Sometimes it feels like people think it is my own fault since I won't do CIO or CC. Mum has been great though and listens when I need to talk.

Ok think I might head off soon and try and get any early night.
Hope everyone has a good night

Linzy wrote: Plus I don't feel like I have anyonw to talk to about Ben's bad sleeping as none of my friends seem to have the same problems. Sometimes it feels like people think it is my own fault since I won't do CIO or CC.

I hear you! I swear all the babies in my coffee group are pretty much sleeping through the night now, so I don't talk about the fact that mine isn't! My hubby wants us to start doing CIO soon but I soooo don't want to    Even though he is already six months old, I still think he is too young to know that he has to sleep through the night, and not get fed if he is hungry!

1st_Time_Preggies wrote: My hubby wants us to start doing CIO soon but I soooo don't want to    Even though he is already six months old, I still think he is too young to know that he has to sleep through the night, and not get fed if he is hungry!

We just did CIO with Tyler and hes 5mo. I pulled his day routine really tight and fed him every 3&1/2hrs to make sure he was getting enough feeds during the day (approx 6 inc DF @ 9pm) then when he woke up at 3 or 4am we checked him then left him to cry which took almost 2 hours the first night!! An hour for the next 3 nights then nothing. It was so hard but worth it in the end coz we're all getting a good patch of uninterrupted sleep (DF at 9pm then sleeping through til after 6am) which is really important and everyone is alot happier including Tyler. I don't do good on no sleep it throws the door wide open for PND to sneak in!!
Anyway dunno if that helps but there it is

Man I feel like I am losing the plot more and more lately. Not cool

I yelled at Annabelle several times last night. As she's teething and having a horrible time with it and denying one side with regards to BFing. She's not too happy atm. I yelled the 'F' word very loudly and dropped her on the bed(not in a bad way I mean), just swore and put her down and felt really crap and anxious and just wanted to hurt myself and run away. I hate how I just so don't cope sometimes and get so easily stressed. I don't want to be like this. I hate being like this. I wish I could just stop letting my emotions overtake me and just have some control and start seeing things as they really are, instead of having this depressive mindset, which is very unproductive and not helping. I was feeling rather crap last night, as no-one who was at my place heard me lose the plot and they were all happy and chatting upstairs when I came up. And my best friend asked if I was ok and typically I lied and said I was, though I so wasn't. Sometimes I just lose all tolerance and want to leave DP and take my girls with me while he's not here. I get so anti him sometimes. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this. It's seems a lot of us suffering PND want to just leave sometimes. MMH lady says it's no longer classified as PND, it's depression, which she suspects I've had a long time. Well yeah, most people with PND do tend to have a history of depression, it doesn't take a scientist to work that out. It makes me wonder if that's code for, you're no longer classified as having PND, so you can't have MMH visits any more. But that could just be me taking things out of context and twisting what's been said in my head again.