Shes ran away....

Janaya... twice this week
The first time was to England, she left us a lovely note in the letterbox. Then again down the road to the neighbours. She took my passport and off she went, she claimed I didnt love her.

I am sitting here in tears, (perhaps I'm slightly hormonal) and feel like an absolute failure of a mother.
She doesnt listen, we need to tell her things 3-4 times before she will actually listen. Usually we actually have to pick her up and put her in her room, or on the toilet, or whatever we have asked her to do. From the moment she comes home, to the moment she goes to bed, it is a battle.

Wednesday for instance, she was playing outside on the lawn at 6.30pm, and it started pouring with rain really quickly. I called her inside, and next minute she was back out there, in her raincoat. So I told her to get it off and go in her room and get her pjs on. She refused to move, and yelled "That means you HATE me!!!!" So thats when she went to England. I gave her a few mins and then followed her down the street, took her back home and literally had to carry her into the hallway. So there she stood, in the hallway, without moving. I counted to 3 and told her if I got to three she would have to go straight to bed, and she didnt move. So she went to bed, screaming and kicking, throwing things around the room etc etc.

All day today she hasnt been listening. I will tell her to do something and she questions it, and always has something to say. I dont think theres ever been a time where she has actually done as Ive asked WITHOUT saying something to me immediately after Ive asked her.
Tonight she was told to clean her room numerous times, it wasnt much, just her pens and colouring books.
I gave her a warning (As well as several "clean your room!" requests) and I walked past one last time listening to her say "oh where does this toy go?" and there she was, still colouring in!" (Boy she's clever though ) so I took the colouring in book off her and that was it, she was uncontrollable, screaming, crying etc. DH came in and put her into her bed and her legs were flinging all over the place.
i went in earlier to talk about things but she just yelled and told me to go away. I asked her for a hug and she said no, but I did anyway and she just yelled.

I just dont know whats going on? Why do children act out like this? Do you think im doing something wrong? What makes children all of a sudden become so disobedient? She has always been a smart girl and always has something to say, but this uncontrollable behaviour has become worse this week, in fact, every night this week has ended in tears.
Whats wrong!!!!?

Oh I so know what you are going through. Our DD has always had a strong opinion on what she wants to do and what she doesn't. The number of times I have heard "I'm just going to......" when I've asked her to do something I can't count. We also get the whole "You don't love me if......." as well and I think they are looking for reassurance which I try to give but I must admit I don't always say "of course I love you" because I don't want to have her keep talking like that. Sometimes it will be "You know that's not right" or something similar and it's often when she is in trouble for something that she says it.

So some practical things. We try to use the Ask, Tell, Act technique that Diane Levy advocates in her book. Ask nicely once, Tell (in a firm voice and we give a warning as well) and then Act. When we tell we state the consequence for not complying. It's then her choice whether to do it or not as she knows what has to be done and what will happen if she doesn't. Her choice not ours.

Also I would say pick your battles. I understand why you would want her inside when it rains but if it's still playtime and not something more important then letting her play in her raincoat in the rain is actually okay. I have to say that I admired her thinking. It's wet, I want to keep playing, get a raincoat. What's the problem (from her point of view at least). You get one happy (if a little wet child) in a bit later and a change of clothes and all is well.

Try these 2 things in conjunction with each other. Maybe talk to her about the (say 5) things that are not negotiable. She is 6 and smart and she will get it expecially if she helps "make" the not negotiable rules.

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

NZPiper - have you been reading Toddler Taming or something similar? Just reading it now and it has the same stuff you mentioned. It cracks me up with all the one liners - but not sure if its suppose to be funny or not

Peanut....yep, Toddler taming it was.  I loved it....so funny. It has made Tom look like an angel..not a militant toddler....yet!!!

I think once little girls turn 6 , they undergo this transformation , they change from cuddly little darlings to bad tempered little madams .

I asked Caitlyn what was wrong yesterday , as she had been grumpy all afternoon , and she replied with "its none of your concern old woman " , I constantly tell her to watch her attitude, and usually she will apologise and say sorry , if it continues she goes to time out, but more often , she apologises .
Another thing I do is , if shes really really going off the walls (to the point where even she is unsure why ) then I give her paper , pen and tell her to draw exactly how she feels , usually that gets all the frustration out (plus the pictures are rather amusing )

I think 6 is a hard time for the little darlings because they are no longer the babies of the school and are expected to be a bit more bigger and responsible ,yet they are not the big kids too, in many ways, they ARE still babies, I remind myself of this whenever Caitlyn plays up , and make sure she knows, no matter how angry and frustrated she is , that I still love her, no matter what -she usually wants a hug an hour later .

I also console myself with the hope that one day , she too, will have a daughter ....

kaiz, do you think something might be going on at school that's upsetting her, and she's bringing that anger home?  Do her moods seem to come and go, or is she ALWAYS this angry?  It sounds really tough for you right now.  Also is this anger directed at her dad?  Maybe he needs to sit down and talk to her and tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable at the moment and that you guys love her and are hurt that she's acting out like this, and if she does have a problem with something/someone at the moment she needs to use her words and tell you her issues, but not carry on with tantrums and lashing out at you and Jackson.

 

That's a good start Kaiz!  Maybe you could say to her that lashing out is not the way to act when she's angry and wants attention.  And when she's feeling like this she needs to tell you that's she's not happy and needs to be left alone for 10 mins, half an hour ,or the like.  Then when's she over her bad mood she can come back and be happy towards you again.

Hugs to you! I know what parenting a smart strong willed little girl is like!

You need to stick to your guns when she acts out, don't give in an inch.

But I'd say everyone is right that something is happening at school. A has days when she comes home & is "feral" and I have now sat down & asked her is such & such happening at school. At the moment we are on hurt feelings <sigh>

Also, we do this. Dinner, bath, bed. Not leeway in between, if dinner is late then she has the option of a bath but if no bath it's still dinner then bed. She will be in bed by 7.15 at the max & sometimes as early as 6.30. My friends 6yo is in bed by 6pm Oh she is allowed as long as she wants in the bath but it's usually only around 15 mins. That is her playtime.

Is it possibly that you can shift your time out place to somewhere else than her room? So she knows it's a serious punishment.

Pretty scary that she's run away a couple of times.

AliasMum, I read your post last night just before I shutdown the computer, and I went to bed thinking about the routine thing.
I "think" she may need a bit more consistency with her routine at home. Usually the arguements start when she has to clean her room after playing, or if Ive let her go outside to play one evening but not the next..
I was also speaking to my Dad, as I go to my parents a lot with Janaya, and he said the ONLY time he sees her act up is when its time to leave. She throws wobblies and really gets upset, because she wants to stay the night. Sometimes they let her stay, sometimes they dont, so I think maybe this little girl just doesnt cope well with inconsistency? DH has the same problem, cant cope when things dont go the way he wants it to go. Maybe shes inherited it?

Kelly, I will do that. We do have dates quite often which she loves. She always asks me EVERY day if we can have a girly day - its hard work!
I tried talking to her again about school, and all I got out of her was that she was sad that her friend got a bigger drink than her when we went out for coffee and flufflys yesterday

I have "heard" that making a big deal over dinner is not such a good thing. And that you should never force food down a child. But I find it REALLY frustrating because she will complain she is starving and I feel incredibly guilty, and usually give her some fruit and toast anyway. Its especially frustrating when I know she has eaten the same food before, but is choosing to be difficult.
She will always opt for the shower thing too, and then she knows I will give her food when shes hungry.