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AzzaNZ 
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 Topic: Jealousy
Posted: 20 October 2009 at 11:02am |
I signed into facebook today to see one of my facebook friends has posted a positive pregnancy test pic, and it has 85 comments so far this morning.
I'd like to be a big person and be happy for her, but I cant.
Its been 4 weeks since I lost my baby and I am mean-spirited.
And DH made the terrible error on Saturday of asking me to give our baby clothes to one of his friends for their new baby. We still arent speaking 
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cuppatea
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 11:06am |
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lemongirl
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 11:13am |
Yup those feelings are really, really normal.
I cried for days when a friend of mine posted up the 12 week scan of his baby alive and well. It didn't seem fair that they got an awesome scan pic when mine at 13 weeks showed nothing even though I knew that his partner had suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks.
Sorry about the baby clothes situation. I went in the opposite direction and gave away the onsie I had purchased for celebrating getting to 12 weeks. We all have our different ways of coping, your DH was probably just trying to be helpful to a friend.
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Emmi_
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:01pm |
Im sending you big hugs too Azza.
I can totally relate to those feelings, luckily I didnt have any friends that got UTD but even people on here getting their BFPs, although i was happy for them I just so wished it was me and thought it wasnt fair back here waititng ot get a BFP when i should be X weeks PG still...
You just gotta let yourself feel what you have to and eventually it will get easier, although you never forget your angel...
The clothes situation sucks, Im sure you really need DH on your side at times like these, have you guys talked about it? Explained why you dont want to give them away?
GL hun and Im here if you need...
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AzzaNZ
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:16pm |
 Emmi_ wrote:
The clothes situation sucks, Im sure you really need DH on your side at times like these, have you guys talked about it? Explained why you dont want to give them away? |
No, I turned on my heel and walked out of the room. And we arent speaking.
I know we need to talk about it but he is so prickly and unresponsive now that its hard to bring up.
I'm sure he was just trying to help his friend but the timing of it is so insensitive!
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Emmi_
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:18pm |
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ohh I just want to give you a big hug!!
And I totally agree the timing is off...
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surfergirl
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:36pm |
Hugs. I m/c my first baby at 11.5 weeks and had a close friend who was preg at the same time (we were about 1 week apart) go on to have a healthy, happy pregnancy and now a lovely wee baby.
TBH NOTHING fixed it, other than getting preg again. And even then, although I was 12 weeks preg when she was due, I left the country (honestly!) so I didn't have to be part of the 'we are all so happy' brigade; cos I wasn't. I was still sad that I wasn't having my baby too. I also couldn't attend her baby shower (I sent a gift, but just couldn't go). She has been very understadning about how tough it has been - but no-one 'really' understands.
I know that I pretty much kept this preg quiet til about 30 weeks (I think some of my friends still don't know!) as I have had other friends lose babies recently, but there does come a time where I feel I'm allowed to be happy for me too. I'm sure (even though it might not look like it) that your freinds are aware that you are still sad, but they do need to have the time to be happy too. As long as they don't expect you to be gushy and happy for them and they allow you some space I think that's OK.
As for your DH - wow - that must have hurt. A lot. I'm sur ehe knows it was a dumb thing to do now. And I'm sure, in his way, he's hurting too. I understand why you're not talking to him. I would be the same. But not talking isn't going to help, so perhaps you need to be the bigger person and just try to remember that men can sometimes be insenitive jerks and do/say the wrong thing and try to move past this. (I'm writing this not sure I'd be able to take my own advice!!!)
Big, big hugs - the jealous, horrid feeling I had for months afterwards made me feel so low. I totally get where you're coming from. And I really hope your DH can say or do something soon that helps you feel closer to him again.
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KH25
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:51pm |
totally normal feelings Azza. I have 2 lots of friends that I know are actively TTC (only started trying recently) and I am absolutely terrified of getting a phone call from them. It is nice to read Surfergirl that things do get easier once you fall pg again (and its a sticky one lol). I had my 1st angels due date on Saturday - after getting yet another BFN on Friday. I was so hoping that life would be kind to me just once and I might get a bfp but it wasn't to be.
And like the others said, yes your DH was very insensitive - but if he is anything like mine, then he probably just doesn't have a clue lol! I hope you guys are able to talk again soon and get things sorted out
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Kelly, mum to DD, 19Jun06 (26wks 1lb15oz) DS1, 24Oct10 (32wks 4lb11oz) and DS2, 31Dec11 (32wks, 4lb11)
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AzzaNZ
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:58pm |
I *think* I may have felt better about it if they had been TTC rather than it being an "oops". Then again, maybe not.
I feel bad about not being happy for her. Instead I'm just wallowing. I would have been 12 weeks along now.
I dont know how its going to be on my baby's due date if I am like this now 
I hope that getting pregnant again, with a sticky baby, will ease the hurt somewhat (and I hope it happens soon).
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lemongirl
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 1:18pm |
AzzaNZ wrote:
I feel bad about not being happy for her. Instead I'm just wallowing. I would have been 12 weeks along now.
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The other thing to give yourself is time.
It's only been a month or so. Though it probably feels like an eternity but at the same time just yesterday to you!
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clare00
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 2:06pm |
I totally, totally get you. I lost my baby at 12 weeks in April, and have had to pretend to be happy for a few friends since then! It's really hard. I absolutely understand.
It has been a difficult 6 months for me, but my due date was on Sunday. It was a very sad day, but since then I have kind of felt a little bit lighter.
And as for your DH-that was so thoughtless of him! Especially since your loss is so recent! Blokes really, really don't know how awful a miscarriage is. They have no idea aye.
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ElfsMum
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 2:11pm |
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hugs hugs and more hugs..totally normal to feel this way..i had one at 12 and one at 6 weeks..man i was so angry at other people...even people i really cared about... ! even getting preg didnt help me really.. man that sounds weird..when it happened twice i was even more angry like why the hell am i going through this again?
and men truly dont think that way...he probably thought he was helping:( and it sucks he hasnt at least figured it out and come to say sorry:(
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Mum to two amazing boys!
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WestiesGirl
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 5:47pm |
Yep totally normal. I remember a month after I MC'ed and had the D&C our SIL told us she was 9 weeks pg and if I had not lost the baby we would have been about 3 weeks apart  ...
When they told us I put on a brave face but when they left I bawled my eyes out and it hurt. It hurt really bad!!! Thank fully I have a great husband and he supported me though it.
I dont know how but it does get better. The grieving process felt like forever to me but it does get better. Thinking of you hun
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Our Angel July 08  Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived
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jo1979
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Posted: 20 October 2009 at 7:33pm |
My husband's brother and wife have a baby due a few weeks after ours would have been born. Ouch, that kind of hurts.
I am doing ok at the moment with being happy for other people who are getting pregnant and having babies. I feel short changed, but I'm sure I'd feel short changed whatever is going on for other people!!
If people give IDIOT responses when they hear about my miscarriage (not that we've told that many people) I keep focused on how I would HATE to be so foolish as to not realise how significant a miscarriage is. That helps me stay calm(ish) - just basking in being a better person  
Edited by jo1979
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dneyn
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Posted: 21 October 2009 at 3:58pm |
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I lost a baby in March too and where I worked there was another girl who was pregnant and everyone kept going on about it and how fantastic it was, I just wanted to scream at them all. I hated it. Inside i felt like my heart had been ripped apart. Then a few weeks later she went for her scan and the baby had died. It was her third m/c. I felt terrible for been so jealous of her.
I also had a ex-SIL who was pregnant at the time and when she found out I had a m/c came around to tell me she was pregnant. She had her baby the other day 2 days after our baby due date. It really upset me more than I could explain and DH just doesn't understand.
But after all that I think it gets better there are about 4 people where I work that are pg and Im truly happy for them and excited that I maybe join them soon (after wedding lol). Bring on the sticky ones to all us TTC
Edited by dneyn
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Pook72
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Posted: 21 October 2009 at 4:06pm |
I'm pleased to read that I'm not the only one to feel like you do Azza! I have a friend who is due three weeks after I would have been and I still really stuggle to see her and put a happy face on!
Two Baby Angels 
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LizzyJ
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Posted: 27 October 2009 at 1:54pm |
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I understand your feelings completely, with both my miscarriages friends of ours announced their pregnancys due just a few weeks apart from our due dates. it really hurt and i conciously had to make the decision that although it hurt i needed to be happy and excited for these people. I found that the pain went way pretty quickly. One baby is here now and i sometimes find myself wondering but enjoying getting to know the baby and celebrate his family's happiness.
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lemongirl
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Posted: 28 October 2009 at 9:06am |
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My friend's baby arrived last night, looking at the facebook pictures I'm so happy for her but in an excruciatingly painful way.
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AzzaNZ
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Posted: 28 October 2009 at 9:38am |
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Sorry Lemongirl!
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spanky77
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Posted: 28 October 2009 at 10:37pm |
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yup, you're not alone on this one. My friends list on fb is systematically being blocked, one by one, as people have either announced pregnancies, or posted pics of their new babies.
I had a really difficult coupla days last week after a friend here posted about their pregnancy, complete with scan pic. I had been talking to her about my mc a month or so before, quite indepth, and she'd not said a thing, very tactful and I'm glad she didn't, but I couldn't help feeling a little weird about that. (must have been really hard for her to listen to as well, I know)
Anyway DP was present as I blocked her immediately, and I think he was disappointed as he asked if I was going to wish congrats . . . no, I will do that when I can say it and genuinely be happy for her, but the hurt often outweighs any good feelings you might have for someone. And the guilt about this just adds to the hurt. Its horrible.
You are not meanspirited, but you are feeling, and you need to be good to yourself and look after yourself first
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Jealousy
