Sad Green Eyed Monster

Man I'm struggling with life right now. As the months have gone on I have found myself to be more and moare bitter about the world than ever. I am so angry and sad that I've had to go through my miscarriages and terrified of what the future holds for me. I was on anti-depressents a few months back and they made me feel great but I wanted to start trying again so I came off them and now I am back to square one again. I am just one big ball of bitter and twistedness. I never wanted to be like this.

I found out about two weeks ago that a good friend of mine is UTD and its rocked my world. It was supposed to be my turn, not hers. It was an 'accident' she tells me. Oh whatever. I hate it when people say that to you. Now she is telling me about all her symptons etc and I just dont want to hear it. Some people have short memories, it was only 5 months ago I was picking up the pieces from our last m/c. She hasn't asked me once if I am ok.....or tried to play things down a bit. God I feel so bitter and twisted.
My doctor told me I wouldn't fall pregnant if my head wasn't in the right space and I dont want to go back on the anti-depressents because we are TTC so I feel like I'm a bit stuffed really.   I am grumpy and awful to my husband and dont even feel like having sex which you kind of need to do to have a baby. I'm in and out of tears in a regular basis.......I dont know what to do to get my old self back. I miss me!
Thanks for listening to my (selfish) rant

MrsH, about a month ago I was feeling this way too, came out of the blue for me as I thought I had dealt with my 2nd MC quite well, but all of a sudden I was in darkness for a few weeks.
For me I think it was following my naturopaths instructions not to try again just yet along with charting and taking herbs that really made me feel like I was constantly thinking about TTC even though it was/is a no go just now. I had a minor melt down at my naturopath and have stopped charting, plus she gave me some rescue remedy (well batch flower, but it's the same).
I don't know how you feel about charting but for me although I find it quite interesting stopping has really felt like a weight lifted.
Maybe you could give some rescue remedy a go too as it is OK to take if you get UTD and might help your emotional state.
Really not fair about your friend being UTD, sometimes it just feels like life just keeps on kicking you doesn't it. Could you get someone to have a word with her maybe something along the lines of "I don't think MrsH is doing very well at the moment with her MC's thought I would let you know as figured any baby/preg talk might really cut right now and you might want to moderate when around her". That way you don't have to confront her and have that talk and it might just remind her that what she says can hurt (as I am hoping she has just forgotten).

Anyway I think that is all the advice I have to give, sorry I have ranted on and it's probably not that helpfull. I hope you can find your cheerfull old self again soon.
Much Love from Me

Spanky, I am so sorry you have had to go through this again - my heart sank when I read your news last night. I had been keeping an eye on you and was praying it would all work out. Why it is so easy for some and not for others just baffles me.   That's why I think I've reacted the way I have about my friend - I know in my heart she wont miscarry and will go on to have a happy healthy carefree pregnancy and that's what makes me so angry. She wont have to experience the hurt and anger and not to mention worry that we've had to.   I'll be walking on egg shells with my next pregnancy - its gonna to be far from carefree. I think you are right Spanky, I don't think I'll ever go back to being my old self, I'll always have those little angels in my mind....always wander 'what if'. Never even got to meet them but I miss them, I really do.

Thanks for your lovely words girls, I had a few tears when I got home from work last night after reading what you said. I told my husband.....he thinks I am nuts for talking with complete strangers on the internet (typical male!)   I told him what you said, the advice you gave and how much you help - its amazing how much support and understanding you get on this forum. My friends and family struggle with what to say because they don't understand. I did stop charting last month Didi but I ended up feeling like I had lost some control of my situation. Back doing it again this month and I am ok with it. At the end of the day I know my cycle so well I could count the days on my calendar so I was pretty much charting anyway......minus taking my temp. I think I will take your advice though and looking into some natural pick-me-ups like rescue remedy or St Johns Wart.   I have put some distance between myself and my friend - if I don't have to see her 4 times a week at the gym it will make it easier to cope.   

Its the first day of Spring today, my most favourite season - love Spring so much! I felt better when I woke up this morning - maybe its a sign that things are going to get better.

Thanks again for your advice and support, I appreciate it so much

Thanks PB, you are a sweet thing

Unfortunately due to that damn clock ticking in my ear I cant really delay TTC, I need to jump back on the bandwagon and get this next BFP underway. I'll be 38 in November.....time is ticking along at a rather fast pace! I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks about babies 24/7 - just so much want to be a Mum. As we all do of course.

I hope 2011 is the year we all get our babies. Thanks PB, I look forward to seeing you in Nov too

It's always good to come on OB and have a vent - There's lots of love here

*Sending lots of baby dust to you Sweetie* You are so deserving of your own child and I really hope to God it happens soon for you!

Oh Didi you have no idea how amazing that sounds, Having the four of us (us 3 and Bobsta of course) sitting around discussing how terrible our morning sickness is, hehe it's nice to dream. Maybe there's something in 'The Secret' and it pays to think about that and believe in the power of positive thought.

Roll on our Due in 2011 threads and the terrible morning sickness - I can just imagine the feeling now



Lots of Hugs Girls and just think, maybe our little Angels are all playing happily together and watching us down here and just waiting to pick their moment to come back and give us a life time of love and hugs

I'm sure they all know they are going to be the most loved babies on the planet xx

Oh boy, l am sending you the biggest squishiest hugs right now. Feel free to sniffle on my shoulder too. I know all too well that that there's no quick fix and you're doing the right thing just by coming on here and expressing things. Express away and just know that we all "get it". I wish with all my heart and soul that I could make things better for you. Focus on little things that make you smile, or at least things that don't make you angry and want to scream/cry/throw things. One thing that helped me was what I call my "miscarriage song". There is a song I heard that just hit me right in the heart and I just somehow associated it with my loss. Anytime I felt my emotions building up and felt I had to really "feel" I would listen to it over and over again. Sometimes it would make me bawl my eyes out for hours, sometimes it would make me feel comforted and I would smile, and sometimes I just felt blank and sad. But it helped.

Don't worry about the not having sex thing, I think that's normal. I feel guilty as since our loss I can count how many times we've done it on one hand. That's slowly changing though and my mojo is starting to come back. I think it's because we associate that action with baby making, and baby making is a tender subject for us who's journey has no been an easy one. Not only did we suffer the agony to get UTD in the first place, but then it was taken away from us too. It's no wonder your not any any hurry to get back in the sack.

When I went through my dark bitter twisted stage, the thing that kicked me out of it was talking to a professional. I know that sounds very, um what's the right word, cliche springs to mind...but it really truly helped me. I'm sure I would have managed without their help, but it just help me work through some feelings a bit quicker.

Spanky is so right, we'll never be the same. I know I take things a bit more seriously now than I used to. I lost a bit of my happy positive self, but at the same time I feel stronger and better at coping with things.

On a brighter note I can't wait to meet you in November!!! I'm going to truly give you a real life hug.

Didi you just made me smile with your comment about only weirdo's get UTD first go, LOL! PB I'm loving your positive thoughts about what 2011 will bring us

Hugs to everyone

It's a date!