PND

And out the other side.

I have been through postnatal depression and now I am on the way out the other side of it and as I travel this bumpy road I would like to share my story with you.Insight to this is my first born was 7 weeks prem and had major problems and ended up on life support. 6 weeks after my baby Georgia was born he was diagnosed with Cerepral Palsy.

16 of June 2006 I gave birth to a beautiful long waited for baby girl her name is Georgia Louise

She is the most precious thing and next to her brother I could never love another child like I love these two. It is an all-consuming love almost to the point of explosion. But for a while I did wonder if I would ever love my daughter like I loved my son. It is a terrible thing to say and just as huge to admit this but I believe it is part of the healing and I need to heal now so I also need to accept how I was feeling at the time.

PND is the worst thing I think any mother could go through. Not truly feeling attached to your child even though it is supposed to be the most natural thing in the world cant help but set you up for the biggest fall in your life because if it is natural why the hell cant I feel it.

For so long I used to say to my Georgia that I loved her but I did not like her and I used to say that to people as well but what I was really hiding was the fact that I did not even love her as I had no emotion left in my body or soul to even describe what I felt for her.

I would look at her and just cry, I would think that I did not love her and cry, just the thought of having to feed her and hold her made me cry and writing this now is making me cry and that was basically my life for the first 16 weeks of my beautiful baby girls life and I have overwhelming guilt because of this but at the same time I know it is not my fault nor is it Georgia’s fault.

The day I asked for help was the worst day of this debilitating disease but it was also the last day of it as I had finally asked for help and I was so not expecting the help I got in many different ways.

That day had started off like all the others consisting of me not wanting to get up or even out of bed but I had to, as my husband was off to work. My son was in a typical 2 yr old mood and started to whine and I have never yelled at my children but something in me started to boil and even boil does not describe the feeling in my body and I finally snapped. The voice that came out of me and yelled at my son was not mine I had never even heard it before and I have no recollection of what it said to my son but from the frightened look on his face I new it had scared the life out of him and I then sunk to the floor wanting to die and I just cried, this was the first time I had actually cried completely. I always started to cry and thought STAY STRONG but this time there was no strongness in my soul it had departed and left me broken, shattered like a run over dog I had never felt so low and in despair with the feeling of no way out.

Now I look back and I can see so many people could see it happening and were waiting for me to call. Not in a horrible way but they just knew the warning signs and could see me coming like a steam train and when I collided with the wall the steam train just wanted to keep on going.

When I thought all the tears had stopped I picked up my plunket book and rung my plunket nurse and she was one of the few that saw it coming as a few weeks earlier she did a big no no in her profession and put her home number in my book. I rang her and burst into tears she had a quick chat and said she would be there as soon as possible but was going to get someone to call to make sure I was okay as she had a meeting to go to.

I then hung up from her and rang my husband. I was so ashamed to be ringing him and telling him I could not cope as I was a women that did cope and did not ask for help or fall over like I just had. My husband was so great he even came home just to give me a cuddle and check that everyone was okay.

I was then referred to Maternal Mental Health on the North Shore and from there went through the process of seeing a doctor and a consoler and they wanted me to go on medication but being the battler I thought I was I said no but after a few weeks I could see I was getting no where fast and took the medication and I cannot believe the difference it made after a couple of weeks it was like the cloud had lifted and I could see again. From there I have gone from strength to strength I now know it was not my fault and I am not a failure as a mother I just had a bloody rough time of it and needed a little help to see the way. I have recently read the book written by Brooke Shields called “Down came the Rain” and I laughed and I cried my way through it and I feel it was the best thing I had done as it gave me an insight to someone else who had the problems I did and I believe anyone with PND should get a copy of this from your local library.
Thanks and good luck to all.


Edited by nathansmum

dont forget amy that planning weddings - big, small, casual or not - are hard work and stressful. maybe your man just thinks that your mum is pressuring you into doing something you dont want. they have funny ways of showing they care

Hi guys i dont know if i have PND but after reading what some of you have been through i think I do fit the bill.
I cry at absolutely everything and feel lost and alone most of the time. Being a first time mum with no family or friends network here in Auckland has been tough over the last few weeks, my partner is at work all day and when he comes home I dont feel that i should have to burden him with how i'm feeling, I'm not actually a person who admits i need help or even asks I've always marched along.
Even as I'm sitting here typing this I'm crying and expecting to hear Cameron wake up any minute, he has reflux and only sleeps in 45 minute periods on a good day other days he's awake all day.

Mozwart, settingyourself goals is a great way to do things, but if it all seems a bit overwhelming, try little steps.
I would get the nappy bag and buggy ready then ight before.. so that was one less thing to do.
At first it was just, "right, we are going to go outside today," we'd get the mail and looka t leaves and play a bit of ball.. or even just hang the washing. Next steps after being able to get that sorted a few times were "right, am just going to walk to the shop today" even if i had no reason to go, i'd stop and get myself something special like a can of creaming soda.. mmm. something FOR ME.   After a while, it got to thepoint of "right i can walk to town today, everythings in teh bag, lets go" I gave myself out clauses but i think knowing that there was no pressure put on myself, by myself, meant that i felt safe to just keep going, to walk past the letterbox, to walk past the shop, to walk into town, to go to our playgroup. And after the first 2 times, it was easier, i found someone else going through the same, we would sit and talk it out while our kids played. it was the best therapy for me. good luck and set small steps to big goals, actually getting to playgroup when you feel this way, is a big step. just think little steps, right i will stick the kids int he car, right i will get in, right i will drive to .... " at any time you can pull out. but you'll get there.

Oh and just about me (coz really it's ALL about me ) I woke Himself up at 1am coz I decided if I can't sleep coz of his silly behaviour then he's not going to sleep either. We had a good talk, I'm still not sure where we stand but at least we've started communicating coz that hasn't happened a lot lately. Altho after talking for an hour and a half and crying my eyes out the cheeky sod still thought he was going to get him some

Yep! Here I was thinking "it's so nice to actually feel close to each other" and here was him thinking "nice! She wants in!"

Needless to say, he did NOT get what he was after!

 

Edited by amy

man
read
WHAT?

lol mike reads car magazines and stock car stuff, i had a hard enough time gettin ghim to read anything about pregnancy.. (which if i remember rightly, he didn't) to get him to read a book about love languages, lolol.. that would be funny.

 

Edited by amy

Edited by amy