Is this rude or am I just a cow?
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=12116
Printed Date: 18 May 2024 at 2:41am
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Topic: Is this rude or am I just a cow?
Posted By: Aprilfools
Subject: Is this rude or am I just a cow?
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 12:32pm
| Do you think it's rude when people ask you when you're going to have a baby or if you're trying to get pregnant? Yet another person today asked me if we were trying to get pregnant and I don't know this person very well. Ever since we got married that's all people ask us. I just think it's really rude because I think it's a very personal decision and also the fact that it's heartbreaking to those that are trying and not having a lot of success and also to those who have perhaps just got some unpleasent news in regards to fertility. I don't mind my closest family asking and they are always polite enough not to ask in front of others and I don't mind the cheeky comments from people but some people seem to think it's their right to know if you're trying or not. I'm not mad I'm just wondering if anyone else finds it a bit rude? |
Replies:
Posted By: Bobbie
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 12:34pm
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I think it's pretty rude. I used to get that all the time and it was particularly hard when DH and I were TTC.
I think people mean well but if they actually thought about what they were asking.... It's none of their business. -------------  
 
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 12:41pm
i find it a bit rude aswell i always have people asking me when we are going to have kids and yip it started as soon as we got married i find they are asking more and more now that we have been married for 2 years. and then they go on to say well you dont want to leave it too long before you start trying because you never know how long it will take little do they know that we have been trying for over 2 years now! some days it really upsets me and other days i just ignore them and tell them that there is no rush! (all my closest friends and our familys know we have been having trouble tho its just generally people i dont know that well that ask) I just think to myself tho that i cant wait for the day when we tell these people that we are pregnant and when they say oh that didn't take you long you wernt even trying when i asked you last and i say to them yea i lied it took 2 or so years and lots of fertility intervention. and watch their faces drop hopefully it will teach them the lesson of not going on about it to people because you just never know what they are going through! sorry bout the novel hehe ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Peace
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 12:51pm
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I actually get a lot of this, a couple of memorable scenarios:
I was a a friends house and her whole family was there, her little boy was about 7 months old and I was playing with him  She piped up and said (Much to my horror at the time) "When are you guys going to have a baby?". I was mortified, me and Hubby (he wasn't then though) at that stage had been together for 5 years and not used protection. "Uhh, When we get there?" was my answer before she blathered on about us needing to hurry up about it.
Next one was not so long ago (maybe 4 weeks) at Hubby's work and one of his work mates gave me a pointed stare at my tummy (I'm as far from thin as possible and was definitely wearing the wrong top!) and asked "When should be be expecting #2?". After recently suffering a miscarriage I was quite prepared for me to get bitchy and tell her "We just lost a baby, give me a goddam break!". But since Hubby's whole office was stock still and eagerly awaiting my answer, I resorted to my tried and true answer: "Uhh, When we get there?" before going on to moan about how I had put on weight. I honestly think that people generally ask out of curiousity and since I am a better person, I will learn from their mistakes. I have a friend who is currently having fertility type (Endo, adhesions) problems and instead of asking out right "WHEN?" I asked her "Do you?" because it sounds a lot nicer and is a less on the spot question. It is a little insulting and rude when people are like that but I guess it is part of the never ending cirle of questions: When are you getting engaged? When are you getting married? When are you having kids? When are you going to have another? When are you going to stop having kids? When are you going to kick them out of home and not let your kids sponge off you? When are you going to buy a house? When are you going to... eh! ------------- DD1 May 2006 DD2 March 2011 DD3 August 2012 |
Posted By: tropics
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 1:45pm
its totally rude! ever since I got married I would go into our local bakery and I would get this lady asking me EVERYDAY! äre you pregnant yet?" to start off it was a bit of a joke and after months went by I stopped going in there and a friend of mine who knew we were having trouble told her to mind her own business that it wasnt an appropraite question to ask and that I was having ïssues" so it was a senstive question!  Now I dont really have any quams in telling people that i am trying, have had a mc and have pcos.....dont want there pity but it shuts them up and they stop asking also when you tell people its amazing how many other stories come out of the wood work of people in the same boat ------------- http://lilypie.com">    [/url]
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Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 2:22pm
I think that when you are pregnant and people ask "was it planned" is just as bad. Some people even dared to say "was it a mistake?" 
Because we didn't plan our daughter, but we still love her as much as any other couple who did plan their child would.. but I mean, what do you answer to that?! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: IVFGirl1111
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 2:34pm
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GRRR I HATE this question with a passion I am SO over being asked that
And yes I have been asked YET AGAIN today!! ------------- TTC 6 years IVF it is IVF/ICSI round one 10 eggs, 8 mature, 3 fertilised BFN IVF/ICSI #2 = 22 eggs! 20 mature, 15 fertilised, 1 fresh transfer and 2 frosties BFN 2 Frosties still in freezer thank god |
Posted By: Aprilfools
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 3:03pm
| meow - how about 'no it was a surprise'. Why do they have to be referred to as mistakes?? I'm a surprise. |
Posted By: meow
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 3:07pm
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Yeah I did answer that, sometimes through gritted teeth though ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 3:24pm
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My mum puts my sister down to jet lag lol and always refers to her as her bonus, she is the youngest of 4 of us.
We use to get asked all the time and I just use to tell people I didn't want kids, everyone was pretty surprised when we told them we were expecting and asked if it was planned which quite frankly was non of their business and I also don't really see what difference it makes planned or not.
I don't know why people assume the minute you get married you are gonna start trying for a baby. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: SquishysMum
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 4:34pm
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I get asked ALL THE TIME!!!! It's a bit of a joke at work that it's my "turn" next - we had several babies born in the last year, almost half the women were pregnant at once! So at work it's ok, they know where we're at (I have said MANY times not planned for a couple more years). In-laws, however, don't get me started!!! I'm just happy that there was a niece born recently to take the pressure off for a little while.
ps hi Dal!!!
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 08 November 2007 at 6:58pm
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It's avery personal question and it bugs me how often people feel at liberty to ask! We get:
"Do you think you'll have any more?" "We're not sure yet" "Was it planned" (I always say yes to this even if we weren't the ones who planned it haha - cause I'd hate for people to get the wrong impression and tell any of our kids they were unplanned or mistakes when they are older) "Don't you have a tv?" "Haha but tv's just a big manual these days" -------------  |
Posted By: IVFGirl1111
Date Posted: 09 November 2007 at 8:30am
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I am the youngest child of 4 by a LONG shot and I ALWAYS get told that I must have been a mistake! It really annoys Mum because for all people know they could have been trying for ages and it wasnt happening! Mum always said that they wanted 4 children it just happened when they didnt expect it lol.
Hey Cathrine! I was only thinking about you the other day wondering how you were! ------------- TTC 6 years IVF it is IVF/ICSI round one 10 eggs, 8 mature, 3 fertilised BFN IVF/ICSI #2 = 22 eggs! 20 mature, 15 fertilised, 1 fresh transfer and 2 frosties BFN 2 Frosties still in freezer thank god |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 09 November 2007 at 11:28am
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It is a little rude, but its also very normal.
People always want to know how your life is, first is How's the Love life? Then when you meet someone, its When are you getting married? Then you get married its, When are you going to have a family? etc etc. I always think these questions are up there with what's the weather like, as most people don't want the truth. ie we've been trying for over 2 years and can't get pregnant, or no we aren't having children. They are some peoples way of having conversation, usually they are people who you aren't close too. I don't think you are being a cow, but be aware that people are going to ask now that you're married and come up with a couple of good replies. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 09 November 2007 at 11:31am
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I just look at them and say ...Actually yes, we tried for a number of years to get pregnant, but we can't have children which is hearbreaking. We're doing IVf though and hoping for the best.
Usually shuts them up. ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: ItchyFeet
Date Posted: 09 November 2007 at 10:42pm
| "Actually I prefer not to discuss the end result of my sex life"... |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 09 November 2007 at 10:52pm
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i dont think its rude and it dont think your a cow either!
it may be an insensitive question or a bit nosey if the person doesnt know you very well tho. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: tibby
Date Posted: 10 November 2007 at 11:29am
| I am a midwife, so not only do l get asked frequently by colleagues but several times a day by women and their families! Occupational hazard l guess but still annoying. |
Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 10 November 2007 at 1:08pm
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I think it's the sort of question that it's only OK for people close to you to ask about. It's just rude of anyone else. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 10 November 2007 at 8:46pm
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I dont think its rude......I wouldnt mind if someone asked me. I mean people always want to know when new babies are gonna come along, babies are cute What I DO find rude is, people coming up and touching your tummy when you are pregnant! Grrr ------------- |
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 10 November 2007 at 9:40pm
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lol Sheza.. that's when you rubs theirs back.. they'll usually look at you as if you're mad - which is when you can say "ohh, sorry, does that make you feel uncomfortable?" lolol it's so fun to do ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja 
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Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 10 November 2007 at 9:49pm
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You know what i though i totally agree. With Paris it was "oh, are you keeping it?" "oh what a shame about your nursing" (to be met with "Who the hell said i was quitting?!")"oh was it planned"
I am very happy to say they are our surprises.. or i say that yes - they were planned they just came a little earlier than we expected. I had the same with Ayja "what are you going to do about your nursing" (geez people you'd have thought you knew me by now!) And we still get now the "are you having more" from people that vaguely know me, to which i tell the truth - "I'd love more, however mike's had the chop, we had a surprise vasectomy pregnancy early this year but sadly we lost it" shuts them up. We also now get the "oh so why did you postpone the wedding?" we even got from our celebrant the question "oh i hope you're not getting cold feet" we've been together nearly 8 years - i think our feet are sufficiently warm. However, everyone likes to know things, i probably ask stupid questions sometimes too - i don't mean things to offend - but when you are pregnant you 1) tend to take things very personally anyway.. dam hormones , and 2) tend to get everyone asking you the same questions over and over and over again till you can say the answers in your sleep. ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 10 November 2007 at 9:58pm
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No one ever touched my belly, maybe I looked too much like I would punch them in the face.
What got me more than anything when preggy was everyone telling me I absolutely must have an epidural and that I was mad for wanting to go to a birthing clinic where I couldn't have one. Oh and people telling you horror stories about a friend of a friend of friend who had such and such happen. -------------
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Posted By: Snickerdoodle
Date Posted: 10 November 2007 at 10:30pm
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Working in retail I get a lot of the "Oh, are you excited?" "was it planned?" comments.
I guess some people just don't have very good social skills. That doens't make them a bad person.... but I do get a little upset when I hear it 10 times a day. Or when they say (while glaring at their children) "oh, good luck. You're going to LOVE it" - said with heavy sarcasm. I just say "Is that why you have 4 kids?" and smile sweetly. I don't think you're a cow at all. Some people just don't think before they speak. But I know they mean well. ------------- 
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Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 11 November 2007 at 4:30am
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when we bought our house just over 10 months ago and had our house warming we had people asking us when we were going to start family.
We just replied oh we will see how things go...little did they know I was already 4-5 weeks pregnant. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 11 November 2007 at 9:53am
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Like some others have said... I don't think it's rude, perhaps they are just making conversation?! I know I ask silly questions all the time just to learn a bit more about people... how about just being honest? After all, they DID ask.
And I don't think you are rude either... but don't be angry at people for being inquisitive. But on the same note as some others have mentioned... I HATED the comments I got "Oh, it'll be a shame with your study" - and Who said I was giving up!?! (and these were my good friends! haha) |
Posted By: mum2paris
Date Posted: 11 November 2007 at 5:20pm
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or... and Nikki will agree with me here - the stupid comments about "how'd you get her hair that colour" for our little strawberries..
I sometimes felt like saying "i dyed it" but usually would just say "well, she just kinda came out that way" ------------- Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 11 November 2007 at 10:03pm
| good grief do they really ask where they got their hair colour? man thats when you say "hmmm i dont know, perhaps i better get a maternity test done " :-P |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 12 November 2007 at 5:38pm
| haha I usually claim it was my Dad's hair colour before they ask. And if they do I ramble on about the real story which is enough to put them off opening their mouths again! hehe (Hrmmm... maybe I should be a bit more selective about who I tell that story to. I'm pretty sure I let it out in an interview for the FPA job haha) |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 12 November 2007 at 5:56pm
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meh if anyone judges you cos of the real story nikki they really arent worth knowing, what they should be doing is congratulating you on the awesome job youve done so far with wee hannah despite whatever way she came about
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Posted By: Parki
Date Posted: 13 November 2007 at 2:46pm
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I don't think its rude as such.
A lot of people are just oblivious to the fact that its a personal situation. DH & I have been asked heaps since we got married and I don't mind too much. It does get a bit annoying though esp since we are having trouble getting pregnant and have been trying for ages without success! Still I don't think people realise its sometimes a touchy subject. |
Posted By: Parki
Date Posted: 13 November 2007 at 2:48pm
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I don't think its rude as such.
A lot of people are just oblivious to the fact that its a personal situation. DH & I have been asked heaps since we got married and I don't mind too much. It does get a bit annoying though esp since we are having trouble getting pregnant and have been trying for ages without success! Still I don't think people realise its sometimes a touchy subject. |