The evil green monster
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32053
Printed Date: 08 May 2024 at 2:06pm
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Topic: The evil green monster
Posted By: _H_
Subject: The evil green monster
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 8:36am
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Firstly this is about no one person and for the ladies that got their BFP please don’t feel bad and feel free to post-
I’m in a good place about TTC, but the one thing that is hitting me REALLY hard is jealousy. Every time someone (IRL) has news I think that they are UTD! Even when the OB girls get their BFP it tears me up inside. This is going to sound really bad but ladies that have had a MC are now getting another BFP and I think why cant I even get 1 in the time that they have got 2! Then there are the new ones that seem to get UTD straight away 
As you can tell this is really getting to me so for those long-timers how do you deal with it? I’m always happy for the ladies that get there BFPs but normally I read they have it and cant post until the feeling inside has gone away 
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 8:56am
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H I can relate to everything you have said, as that is how I've felt every time someone else has got a BFP instead of me, especially when people have been TTC less than I have. It's ok to be jealous and envious, I certainly have been. I finally got my BFP after 13 months of TTC and over 18 months of wanting to try.
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
to you hun I understand Posted By: Babykatnz
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 9:00am
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H, I have been there before and it is hard. There isnt really any way to get 'over' it... it just became a matter of putting a mask on and showing my 'happy' face in public, and keeping how I really felt to myself... A LOT of women came and went in the time I was TTCing... hell, some women had those babies and got UTD AGIN before I finally got my bfp!
I found myself putting a line between those who I KNEW had been TTCing, and those that I either didnt know, or those that I knew werent planning on it... I could be happy for those who I knew had been TTCing, but the ones on the other side... I just couldnt do it. What made me wake up was walking through malls, and down the road etc, and looking at all those preggy tummys and feeling SO jealous/sad and some days (esp when I was mid-af, or the month we found out DPs SA rsults) it was all I could do just to keep myself from crying... I am not an overly emotional person, so that was huge for me... but then when it finally WAS my turn, I realised that someone like me could be out there looking at ME thinking/feeling the same... and I realised that just because I didnt KNOW their story, didnt mean I shouldnt have been happy for them... That scenario only really works IRL, since with posting on boards like this, you pretty much know if they are new to TTC or not... most of the time I just said the obligatory congrats and talked about something else...unless it was someone I knew had been trying for a while and would truly appreciate how special that baby really was... dont know if my ramble makes you feel any better or not... but just wanted to let you know you arent the only one whose felt this way ------------- Brandon - 05/12/2003  
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Posted By: kelzie_rose
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 10:23am
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I know exactly how you mean H. I get very jealous. There were two (not to be mean) rather large (like very large) girls at my pub quiz who I just found out are pregnant, and all I'm thinking is, my fertility specialist told me to lose weight and I'm smallish. Well, not huge. Especially in relation to them. (Again, not to be mean.)
I get jealous in real life, I get jealous watching tv, movies, reading books. It's terrible and heartbreaking and sad. I do what BabyKat does, I put up a mask. I bite on my lip or pinch my arm so I have something to focus on and so I don't cry. I can't look at pregnant people or people with babies. When Hubby was playing soccer there were always kids around and I needed to make my excuses and leave. The one person I wasn't jealous of is my friend who has tried for years and had two m/cs and the day I told her that I m/c-ed, she told me she was 12 weeks pregnant. Not in a malicious way, but she wanted to tell me before I found out from someone else. There was no jealous feeling whatsoever. But everywhere else... There's a pregnant person, or someone worried that they haven't conceived after 3 months of trying, or even someone who isn't trying and hears about infertility and worries about if it will affect her... I don't have a lot of patience for people who aren't long-term TTC-ers at the moment to be honest. Which isn't fair to new TTC-ers. Edited: I am happy for others, but it makes me more sad for myself and Hubby. -------------  Started TTC Apr 2008 With PCOS and a bicornuate uterus Our angel babies Jan 2010 <3 Oct 2010 <3 Apr 2011 <3 |
Posted By: MrsMJD
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 11:39am
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I can totally identify with your feelings. I'm in an akward position here on OB, I'm new here and have been TTC for 7mths (this is mth 8) which compared to some of the ladies on here is nothing. The hard part for me is that it feels much longer, I had waited almost 6yrs for us to start TTC. During that time my closest friend had 1 m/c and 2 sucessful pregnancies (I'm godmother to the older one), and my sister had a whoops baby and quite a few of my other friends had babies. Every time I was sssoooo jealous. I didn't want their baby, I wanted my turn. I want my own beautiful little bundle of promise.
I can remember fleeing the Mall one day cause I couldn't cope, there were pregnant women and new babies everywhere I looked. I can't say I'm over this yet but I'm trying to let it go because the only person it hurts is me. Like yesterday when I held my bosses 4 day old baby I had to blink away the tears. I had watched this baby grow inside my boss while every month AF arrived sometime more than a week late. I know that they waited a long time to be UTD but I still felt...... resentful that it wasn't my turn. I always feel like a horrible person for feeling this way which is why I'm trying HARD to let it go. |
Posted By: kiwikt
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 11:58am
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MrsMJD I am in a similar situation to you. Wanting a baby for every and only just started trying.
I havent been trying for any where near as long as some of you ladies but after 6 months it is starting to get to me. I am jealous already of the pregnancy tummies, and starting to resent the friends who got pregnant after two months! I am also overweight so I know it may take me longer. But knowing that doesnt help. I dont think our feelings are rational. Trying really hard not to be, because I know it is irrational. And I know I am not in the same boat is some of you ladies. If this is how I feel now, I cant imagine how frustrated you feel after trying for longer. Big hugs to all of you and I know it will happen eventually for everyone. Feel free to yell and scream at us as much as you want! And if us newbies are being irritating...PM us and we will stop  ------------- Due 14/10/11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 12:07pm
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oh i should have post this ages ago! i have been feeling like this for a while and didnt know if i should post it, im glad i have coz i know im not nuts or a evil person coz i feel like this ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 12:55pm
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I am not upset by the ones that get there BFP, & I am happy for them. But it is not me getting one. I have been trying to complete my family for 3 yrs now & to be honest don't think it is going to happen, so have put a time limit on it & now have a couple of months & then it is time for me to move on.
I have been TTC here for just over a year so have seen a lot get their BFP in the threads I am in. I don't hang out in the pg threads because I don't want to read about being pg if I am not. I am sure those who have been disappointed month after month will know where I am coming from. IRL, I know people with new babies or see pg woman & babies everywhere & it does not bother me & maybe its because I have children or can chose to ignore. In here it is different as most in ttc we chat to daily & don't want to ignore but ttc & being pg are two very different things. to me. |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 1:00pm
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Ok , im going to go from the other end of the spectrum and say that I am one of those people who , so far , has had the good fortune to get utd relatively easily and quickly , this is not a brag, its just fact .
When I was TTC Ty I got pregnant the second cycle , and I know that that is nothing compared to what others go through , but it still felt like the longest month of my life , the 2 week wait is a long long two weeks, whether you have been trying for a month , or a year , and when I did get UTD , part of me was really worried about posting about my BFP because I didn't want to be insensitive to the people that hadn't got theres yet, Im not stupid, I expected people to have the thought of "why her , why not me " and I could competly understand that . I think its human nature to feel envious, of course this is me talking from the opposite point of view , so its easier for me to say , but I used to make myself feel less guilty by thinking that they would get their BFPs too , one day , and I just held on (and still do ) to that hope and belief . ------------- 
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 1:03pm
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nevermind -------------
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 1:27pm
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Hugs, having struggled to TTC #2 which came as a shock to us after #1 was very accidentally easy, you have every right to feel the way you do. I kept our struggle from my family & DH in part because I knew how hard it can makes things. Then I came on here into the TWW & it seemed like we got preg straight away. TBH I had no clue that it would hurt others.
I now feel for my SIL & Bro who are just starting their journey. They dearly want kids & are fabulous with mine. I have decided that I am not going to try for my 3rd baby until they are successful because I think it would break her heart if we got preg & they didn't. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 1:35pm
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I had an idea that people might be envious of me, but I didnt realise how much it can hurt some people, so next time , whenever it is, that I get a BFP, I will do my best to post with as much sensitivity as possible -------------
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 1:41pm
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I hope those that do get upset learn to deal with it, as its really sad when people finally get their bfp's they feel they can't celebrate it, for fear of offending someone. This is a forum about all things pregnancy and babies after all, I feel I have to hide my joy so I don't hurt anyone, ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: LadyBee
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 2:09pm
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You girls should sing from the roof tops about your pregnancys It dosent matter if it has taken a month or 14months you still dearly want the same thing, everyones paths are different. Dont be ashamed because people are jealous.
Yes I get jealous and hate the world everynow and then, and vent about it to you guys. IRL everyone in my circle of friends is pregnant or holding their babies and it is hard but I am truely so happy for them. When someone tells me they are pregnant or I hear someone is pregnant without tyring I find I put a happy face on and then cry my eyes out when I get home, this lasts for about a day then I realise their is no point in being this person its not who I am or who I want to be so I carry on. One day it will be my turn and I can tell you I will be over the moon and I will be shouting it from the roof tops ------------- TTC for 4 1/2 years IVF #1 - April 2012 short BFP, no frosties IVF #2 - August 2012, BFP!! 3 frosties! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 2:12pm
| This forum must be a horrible place to hang out in if pregnancies and babies are upsetting! I have a couple of friends in RL who used to be on here but stopped because they couldn't deal with the constant pregnancies when it wasn't happening for them. I think that's fair enough. IRL it's a little harder to avoid however! |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 2:35pm
I don't think so Kelly. I think that everyone who gets their BFP should be jumping up & down, I would be. I try to be sensitive as I have kids, but my journey has not been quick & easy & everyday I am sooooo greatfull for what I have. But in here it can be a bit in your face, lol, & that is why I don't go to the due date threads as I had hopes I would of been on the list in them, so I stay in ttc threads as there is not usually everyday reminders & if there is I can ignore what I want. |
caitlynsmygirl wrote:Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 2:43pm
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I also think the ones that get their BFP, now exactly how the ones left behind feel as they have been there before.
So be happy when you get pg, don't worry about the ones that are not happy & go enjoy you pg
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Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 3:19pm
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I think the point of my original post has been missed by some. It wasn’t to say that people cant post and enjoy their BFPs or that we didn’t want to hear about them. It was to state how some of us feel and the best ways for us to deal with it. it was posted so I could find support and work through it. as this is a TTC website as well (not just for pregnancy or people with children) I thought that there would have support for us in our journey, as we support others in theirs ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: kiwikt
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 3:49pm
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I agree H...
The disappointment of TTC along with the joy of getting pregnant seems to be represented in a variety of different topics. I am always happy for people who get pregnant...and I know when it happens to me I will shout it from the roof tops and everyone will be happy for me. However, until that happens, I still get the ache in my heart, the fear that it might never happen. Unfortunately both heartache and joy come together in one bundle when you are TTC. And we dont seem to talk so much about the heartache and the green eyed monsters because we dont want to ruin another persons moment. So lets keep this thread for the irrational, completely unjustified, but no less real, little green monsters in all of us. We can all be slight green with envy and crazy together. ------------- Due 14/10/11 http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 4:11pm
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I know how you feel. I felt that way. Not so much abou the OB ladies I knew, but newbies I didn't know and random strangers I found hard.
It's pretty natural if you think about it. Some people may be lucky (or better people than me!) and not have a sense of envy about this kind of thing, but for most of the part I think some kind of twinge is expected. It doesn't mean you're not happy for the person getting the BFP - you're just sad for yourself. I don't/didn't have any problem with people celebrating their BFPs, and I don't reckon anyone's really suggesting people stop that! (You're not gonna stop me ). For everyone who's having a bad day or struggling a little, and can't find it in them to be over the moon for someone else right now, there's bound to be countless others who are genuinely thrilled. Those of us who feel a little green from time to time don't feel proud of feeling like that!-------------   
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 5:50pm
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edited cos I can't explain myself properly.
Im not saying I wont be happy about my BFP , but that im worried I havent been sensitive in the past -------------
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 5:55pm
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double post -------------
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 6:10pm
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Kelly, I think it's sweet that you feel bad, but you don't need to. IF (and it's an if) you made anyone feel bad with the speed at which you got your BFPs, that's their problem, not yours. It's very nice of you to care about how you made them feel, but in reality I think that everyone who feels that way understands that it's their issue, not yours.
At the same time, these kind of feelings are normal and OK. It's good to talk about them, and to pretend that jeaslousy doesn't exist with this TTC stuff would be just ignoring the elephant in the living room. It's no fun to feel envious, and if we can help share what helped us with it, it'll help those who are struggling with it now. -------------
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 6:19pm
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ok , so long as I haven't upset anyone in the past by not being sensitive enough , I would hate that !
I think its good you guys have this thread, sometimes I imagine you just need to vent and offload , I imagine it must be a very frustrating and at times, lonely journey to be on :-( -------------
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Posted By: anna123
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 7:30pm
I can definitely relate to this. My hubby and I have been TTC for nearly 5 years now... coming up to our 30th birthdays its definitely getting harder. I haven't felt really jealous to this point although I do understand that. At the moment I still love enjoying others babies and are really happy for them. However... I do get really confused like... how did that happen! I almost feel like there should be some logical system! Like... you have 3 children... so I should have the next one! Or I am older than you and married ... so I should be the one getting pregnant. Absolutely totally irrational... but my brain keeps going back to that and just get into a confused state. Nature obviously isn't logical or systematica!  I think this is an awesome thread because as irrational or crazy it may sound... its how we feel
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Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 7:35pm
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Kelly i read your post before but didnt have time to reply back. i think what hope said is right- its not the person that gets the BFPs problems it the person that feels bad
i think the best thing a person can do when they get a BFP is tell us but if someone doesnt post or reply to it straight away to understand (which i think most people do) We are here to support each other and just asking what you can do shows that you are doing that. In saying all that i hope that i can speak for the TTC ladies in saying that when someone gets their BFP we will support them oh and kelly you can also be yourself! reading your cheeky posts makes me smile (even if im having a bad day!)  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 8:07pm
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hehe , well im glad for that then !
My friend and her husband are finally gonna start TTC in May (this after they postponed plans because 2 weeks after they married 3 years ago , he told her "btw , Im going back to uni full time, so you will have to be the breadwinner " ) anyway , we are going to start TTC in June ,and I will feel bad if we get pregnant well before her, shes one of those people who is born to be a mummy. She hasn't started ttc yet but has been desperate for a baby for 3 years, and she says when she hears of people getting pregnant, especially unplanned ,she has a feeling of " why them ? how is that fair " I get that, I think its completley understandable . Off to be cheeky now and sh*t stirr in some other threads
before I bugger off tho , please know that I genuinely really really hope all of you get your BFPs, and it saddens me everytime I read of your struggles , and it thrills me everytime I read of another success .. Baby dust to all !!!! -------------
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Posted By: MrsMJD
Date Posted: 04 March 2010 at 8:34pm
| It's not that I'm not happy for those I know IRL or here on OB because I really am. It's more a "I want my version of what you have and I feel ripped off that I don't" kind of emotion. Jealously is a super yuck feeling and I don't like it when I'm having those days but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with this particular personal demon. |
Posted By: Brizzle
Date Posted: 11 March 2010 at 10:03pm
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Hi ladies,
Have just been reading through your posts and I can so totally relate to everything you're saying. I am always so happy for people who get a BFP but along with it comes that nagging 'I wish it was me' feeling. Then I feel guilty for that. Isn't life strange?! I just try to remember something I read once which is that there is not an infinite number of babies in the world. Just because someone else is pregnant doesn't mean you're any less likely to have a child (and I pray that is true ) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: sbeach
Date Posted: 12 March 2010 at 9:53pm
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hey ladies
reading this post has been like reading my own thoughts at times!!! Im new here (but TTC for 11 months) but am still jealous when I see a BFP posted, happy but jealous. IRL I have been sooo frustrated with girls I know...my cousin had a whoops baby last year and three other girls I know got their BFPs after less than 3 months... grrr then I heard a girl I work with got her BFP after 18 months TTC and it made me feel better... weird right?? It made me realise that when I see new mums and mums to be IRL that I dont know their story, it may be a miracle after years or a happy accident... still a bit jealous though... |
Posted By: kelzie_rose
Date Posted: 12 March 2010 at 10:02pm
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I know exactly how you mean Sandie. I've found that I've recently been chastising myself for being angry or upset towards people I don't know who have babies or baby bellies. One of the OB girls recommended a book to me and I've bought it and haven't started reading yet as I'm halfway through a book and DH wants to read it, but he's read snippets out to me and it's awesome: 'Conquering Infertility' by Dr Alice Domar.
In other news, I found out that my ex (my first ever boyfriend, a real a$$hole who cheated on me the whole two years we were together - a big deal when you're 16-18!! - who treated me like rubbish) has just had a baby to his girlfriend (who at 38 is 14 years his senior and apparently has two kids back in her home country!) and I am jealous and angry and so upset. ------------- Started TTC Apr 2008 With PCOS and a bicornuate uterus Our angel babies Jan 2010 <3 Oct 2010 <3 Apr 2011 <3 |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 14 March 2010 at 9:31am
A big deal when you're any age under the sun! What a loser! -------------
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Posted By: 4monkeys
Date Posted: 15 March 2010 at 1:44pm
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Hi ladies
I can relate to this now too. I am very lucky to have 3 beautiful children, and have been TTC our final installment since Oct 09. I realise that's not as long as some of you, but this is the longest I've ever been on the TTC track. DH and I said when we were starting out that, if we weren't preg by mid-March, then we'd take a break until July. I agreed to that, but I was fully expecting to be UTD by now!! I'm not, sadly, and DH is sticking by the break and all I want is my last baby. I am so envious of the preg people that I see around the place, and I'm even envious of people who are TTC at the moment! I know it will happen, but it won't be for at least another 4 months. And then who knows how long it will take? Probably worse at the moment as AF turned up on the weekend, shattering my dreams of a 2010 baby. I really hope you all get your BFPs really soon! |
Posted By: Anja22
Date Posted: 21 March 2010 at 3:14pm
Thanks so much for creating this post H. I can relate so much to what you've said. It's nice to have a place where those of us who are TTC and having a hard time with it can admit to being (at times) irrational, p*ssed off and consumed with jealousy, even though we try so hard not to be and feel guilty about it later. I'd rather be honest about it and get it out there rather than pretending we're all fine, which we are so definitely NOT some days! DH and I have been TTC for over 2 years and have unexplained infertility (ie all tests are completely normal). In the meantime it seems like everyone around me is having babies, sometimes 1st time they try, sometimes without trying at all! I am happy for them but as others have said here, jealous that it's them not me. That's pretty much what it comes down to - it's not about them, it's about me and how I can find ways to deal with this and get support from others in the same boat. In my most irrational green eyed monster times I feel like starting a thread for people just like me, who have never been UTD, don't even know if they can, are 35+ and have been TTC for at least a year. It does get hard when people complain it's taking too long after only a couple of months, when they already have kids and just want one more. I don't mean to offend anyone in that situation, this is me being irrational and fed up! So please feel free to rant, vent, be irrational and generally monstrous, you are not evil or crazy for feeling this way. Please know you have my support and understanding  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2b4a60 - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: MerlinFluff
Date Posted: 25 March 2010 at 10:32am
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I can relate too even though I've finally got my BFP (tries not to bounce but fails miserably). It took me 16 months of TTC and even had a 4 week late AF and was sure I was PG. Never showed on the POAS so don't know what happened there.
Anyhoo, during my ttc my brother had a whoops PG then my DF's brother had a PG, one of my friends got PG by mistake and got an abortion and then another friend got PG (tho they had been trying for 4 yrs!! very happy for them even tho I was green eyed!). It felt like the world was conspiring against me and I finally gave up ttc 'properly' end of last year. Now I've got my BFP but haven't been taking notice of anything and no idea when I concieved! |
Posted By: JaneW
Date Posted: 30 March 2010 at 8:30pm
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Hi H, I'm glad you started this post, My DH and I have been ttc 13 months now but are on a waiting list for ICSI next year. It actually took me a while to feel really envious of people because I was just holding on to the hope that I would be next, now that I have found out we have major fertility problems I do find myself getting jealous and a whole range of other emotions.
And to anyone who is thinking we should learn to 'deal' with it because it's a pregnancy forum (as quoted a few posts back) this is a ttc forum and there are a lot of women who are long term ttc'ers but still have a place here and I think this was a good idea H as it is so hard to find support and understanding. So yup I do get super jealous sometimes....but I am also happy for people who get their BFP's, it's more the emotion of 'I wish it was me', and it eventually passes. One of my workmates got her BFP within her first cycle of ttc and after initially feeling a bit resentful I got over it and starting chatting to her about it, I even told her we were having trouble and I think that made it easier for me to deal with too, and when she had her baby a month ago I absolutely loved holding her wee girl and had no ill feelings at all anymore....so yes eventually you do learn to 'deal with it' but when you've just gotten AF for the 14th time since starting to ttc #1, it can actually be quite difficult, but we will all get our much longed for babies in the end...and it will be well worth the wait! |
Posted By: RubyTuesday
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 12:54pm
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H, thanks for posting this thread. I'm new here, and it's such a relief to know I'm not the only one who has these feelings. DH and I have been ttc since August 08. Most of our friends have fallen pregnant and had their babies during the time we have been trying. At first it didn't upset me too much when people told me they were pregnant but as time went on and it didn't happen for us, I found it really hard to deal with. I'm not angry or resentful with them, more with life and myself and whatever is stopping us getting UTD. In the last couple of months I've had two friends fall pregnant and one have an ooops pregnancy and an abortion, and each time it's taken a couple of days to stop feeling so jealous and angry and frustrated ... and all I can think is, will I watch another friend go right through her pregnancy and have her baby, before we can even manage to get pregnant. It's hard to talk to friends IRL about how I feel, as none of them have had trouble ttc so they don't really understand what it's like - they keep telling me things like it'll happen when I forget about it and stop thinking about it, which isn't easy when everyone you know is pregnant or has a baby, and you work in a job with children! Its good to know other people also have these feelings, as I feel guilty for getting resentful and like I should be able to be happy for others without all the frustration and jealousy.
Hope you all get your BFPs soon... |
Posted By: ArielAngel
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 5:47pm
I've only just noticed this thread (thanks to Ruby who made it jump up the list!) and I love this comment from kiwikt. A friend of mine once said that although we all hear/know of other people’s hardships, the only thing we have to base our own on is our own history. For one woman, waiting three months is excruciating because, for her, it is the longest she’s ever had to wait and it’s been the hardest thing for her to bear. So I always try to bear that in mind when people who have been ttc for shorter than me are complaining, and also when I’m doing my own complaining, because I haven’t been ttc for anywhere near as long as some people on here. As time goes on, I definitely feel more jealous when I see random babies and pregnant people in the street, but what gets me most is that first time you find out someone you know is pregnant. It’s not that I’m not really happy for them, it’s just that their being pregnant has highlighted the fact that I’m not, and my own happiness has gone down. Like others have said, after a couple of days I’m usually fine and later on, throughly enjoy all the baby cuddles. Anyway, that's enough of a rant from me, baby dusk to all! Edited as I realised that I didn't say, that of course I'm jealous - I want my own baby so much - when that green eyed monster does rear it's ugly head I just try to take a couple of days and shove him back down! ------------- After 16 months TTC, surprise BFP July 10 DD1 Mar 11 After 9 months TTC, BFP on 4th Clomid cycle Feb 13 DD2 Oct 13 |
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 13 April 2010 at 8:52pm
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I'm also all for this thread existing, and have been following new posts.
Its exactly these type of feelings, that we keep to ourselves cos they're "not nice" yet very real and valid, that ensures the big silence around infertility and/or difficulty conceiving. Every time I hear of another pregnancy in real life, another part of me dies. I know I should be happy for people, but the truth is, I can't bear to speak to them, or to even look properly at a newborn. This is what I can't say to ANYONE, in real life, but I will say, here, semi anonymously. Mrs MJD puts it best "It's more a "I want my version of what you have and I feel ripped off that I don't" kind of emotion." it was never an issue before, like other here have said. I'd always thought 'oh well, my time will come'. and it did. And I miscarried. I would have been one of those annoying people who admitted to a 'welcome whoopsie' and although I don;t think I rammed my pregnancy down anyone's throat, I definitely remember a few non-reactions from certain people, which makes me cringe now, thinking back maybe I'm the extreme version, but I'm trying not to make judgments on what I should and shouldn't be feeling and thinking, and I hope others can do the same (with regards my expressed feelings) |
Posted By: RubyTuesday
Date Posted: 15 April 2010 at 11:01am
Spanky, I totally agree that there is a big silence around infertility or trouble conceiving. As I said earlier, my friends IRL don't really understand how I'm feeling because they haven't been here, so they just tell me to stop worrying and relax, and that it will happen when I stop thinking about it. Which makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for being so resentful and for feeling like I have been cheated because I haven't fallen pregnant yet, particularly when I see it happening so much more easily for everyone else. And I don't want to talk to much about how I feel to my friends who are pregnant or new mothers, cos I don't want them to feel guilty about getting their bfps so easily. I feel like I'm spending a lot of time smiling and being positive on the surface while inside I'm a mass of frustration and resentment. Finding this thread was such a relief because it helped me to see there were others who had all the same sorts of feelings and I wasn't a nasty freak for feeling that way. While they are not nice feelings and none of us like feeling that way, and it's perfectly valid and natural to feel cheated and angry when you want something so badly, and it seems to be happening for everyone but you! |
Posted By: MrsMJD
Date Posted: 15 April 2010 at 11:27am
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I work with a really close knit group of people and one of them announced last week that she was pg, later that same day an old school friend announced that she was pg and due the same time as my workmate. I smiled and congratulated them but as usual it was tinged with that nasty smear of green lol. One of the other girls from work asked me on monday if I was "ok" with our collegues news and I tried to explain that I was but I also felt bad for not feeling completly happy for her. My friend replied "But thats ok.... you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel that way at least a little" and I guess thats the point, we are human and we have emotions good and bad and it's ok. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 19 April 2010 at 6:13pm
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Just thinking back, to what I mentioned on the earlier page, about the big silence around infertility . . . I’m thinking people are kinda damned if they mention it, damned if they don’t.
If you know what I mean. Ok the silence exists, maybe because people DON’T know what to say or how to broach the subject, so they leave it alone, and perpetuate the cycle. While equally, how many threads or insensitive remarks have we either heard in person or on this board, however well-meant? I know I will NEVER ever ask anyone if they are planning kids now. Yeah the trick, if there is one, is to accept the feelings and that it doesn’t make you a ‘bad’ person. And see if you can hold on to that when in one of those 'long dark night' times On a more positive note, I heard another pregnancy announcement today, and found I was GENUINELY happy for that person, and could ask interested questions about her pregnancy and how she was. Of course now the green monster thing has reared its head and I’m getting the “why not me STILL, why does everyone else seem to get it right first time?” but its ok. I realise that the true ‘now’ moment, ie with that person, that the feelings I had were genuine, and its just my whiney egoey stuff that’s kicking out currently. Its good to know, because I have really REALLY dreaded the face to face announcements, but it was ok in reality. The monster comes up later, but that’s better than in public. Of course, I had to tune out and leave afterwards, when randoms start approaching her and gushing out the pregnancy talk. I can’t sit and listen to that. |