I’m not coping...
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Living with Post Natal Depression
Forum Description: Around one in ten NZ mothers will be diagnosed with PND in the first year of their babies life. Find support and encouragement and share ideas for coping here.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32411
Printed Date: 10 May 2024 at 5:07pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: I’m not coping...
Posted By: Lexidore
Subject: I’m not coping...
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 11:25am
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I am feeling like the worlds worst mum at the moment and I hope no one will judge me for what I am about to write but I need to work out whats going on with me.
A wee bit of history, I have had a slight history of depression when I was a teenager which I was on anti-d's for... This involved me having huge emotional breakdowns, low self-esteem, and a few other things. When I was pregnant I was always aware of the fact it would possibly be easier for me to get PND, and vowed I would look out for the signs. Since having DD I have noticed signs but always put them off as other things because I have things that I feel contradict them. Some examples of how I am feeling I feel numb, sometimes sitting at home by myself but as soon as I am with friends, or at work (I had to go back 1 day a week when DD was 9 weeks old) I am my normal happy chirpy self. I find myself getting frustrated and angry because DD barely sleeps during the day and most of the time when she is awake she is grumpy and screaming. I find myself screaming myself when she wont settle no matter what I do and then feeling like the worst person in the world, I have a couple of times actually yelled at her to stop it, and even now typing about this the guilt of this is overwhelming, I know I would never physically hurt my little girl but aren't I just as bad for yelling at her! I feel that I can't claim this as being a sign of PND because DD also sleeps 12 hours a night so maybe I am just a person with a bad temper? I find myself thinking that maybe its all my fault that DD isn't sleeping during the day and maybe I just am not a good enough mum to see the signs that she is tired, or that I am putting her into bed when she isn't ready and maybe I was just not ready to be a mum, This isn't helped much by the fact my closest mummy friends baby who is 10 weeks older than DD sleeps perfectly and is never upset, crying, grumpy or anything. I feel completely inferior as a mother to her and in fact any of my friends who have babies. Sometimes I feel like DD would be better off if it was just her and DF because he seems to have no issues with her on the days he looks after her when I am working, I don't feel I am a good enough mum to her basically all the time. But then of course when she is in a good mood and happy I love playing with her and enjoy all my time with her! I'm not saying that every time she is grumpy or upset that I lose it, I can cope with it some days, just some days it completely overwhelms me and I find myself having those breakdowns again. Antoher reason I wonder if it is PND or not? Should I be feeling overwhelmed 24/7 if it is... Okay I think I have rambled enough and Im not sure I have got everything across I wanted to but I'm not sure what steps to take next, Also if I wanted to see the Dr about this, am I going to need to pay for my doctors visit? I know it will be important to go to the dr but at $70 for a drs visit for me it is pretty steep! ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: Lexidore
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 11:28am
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I also want to add, because I'm not sure if it is clear, but I love my daughter to pieces, My heart melts knowing she is mine and I think I get scared thinking I am not doing a good enough job of being her mum.
Also with my depression as a teenager I was always feeling like I was wearing a mask around other people, I don't like people to see me not coping, and seeing me upset so I put on my happy mask and so people may not realise being around me that I have all these issues going on inside of me. -------------
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 11:44am
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I had PND after I had Janaya, I was fine when DH was around or if friends were over but the moment they were gone I went downhill again.. It wasn't there all the time either. The worst time for me was bedtime, she was a right b*gger to get off to sleep at night, and with DH working nights I would spend the entire night trying to get her to go to sleep, as well as dinner, dishes, bath etc all on my own. The turning point for me was when I rung the plunketline, complaining I could still hear her screaming even though I was outside :S
I just wonder if perhaps Lexie is picking up on your stress? |
Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 12:04pm
Ok, DD will wake up again any minute, so for now I'll just say 
And what day do you work? I'm going to swing it so I get a visit down your way very soon and it needs to be a day that you aren't working 
Oh, and if you want to see the doctor, take Lexie - maybe she needs her ears checked or something ? If you've got a good doctor they'll talk to you too even though they'll call it her appt so it's free.------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: T_Rex
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 12:07pm
Just wanted to add that this is very very clear from all your posts, even the one above. You are a great mum, hun. Lexie is a lucky girl, even if you can't see that right now  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Lexiesmumma wrote:Posted By: RBsMama
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 12:29pm
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When I was reading this, I thought I was reading about me and how I felt for the first 3 months of my DS life!
Firstly, don't compare you or Lexie to anyone else. Nobody will tell you if they're not coping in the early days, it's like a defensive mechanism, 'don't show your weaknesses.'  You only see what people want you to see.
I think kaiz123 is right that Lexie could be picking up on your stress. DS was the same, absolutely fine with DH, but grumpy with me. Only seemed to want me at "feeding" time. I think seeing your dr is a good idea. I waited until DS was 4 months before I went to mine as I knew I would be on anti-ds and didn't want to BF while on them (my personal choice) and I think I waited too long as I missed out on enjoying my baby earlier than I could have. Best of luck and hugs
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Posted By: Lexidore
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 1:30pm
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I wouldn't at all be surprised if she is picking up on my stress, I do feel stressed when I am trying to get her to sleep when she is clearly tired and she just wont, or she is screaming for some other reason and I don't know what it is or how to "fix" her.
Becky, I am working Saturdays I would love for you to come and visit, But I also know you have it tough with your DD's reflux too so only come if it isn't going to put you out or make things harder for you hun! I am FF so it probably is a good idea to look at going to the drs and seeing about what they can do for me, I do wonder if the fact that I had to switch to FF at only 3 weeks because of my supply is contributing to this aswell. I do just want whats best for her but at the moment am feeling like I am not able to give this to her  -------------
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Posted By: RBsMama
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 2:25pm
The FF guilts may not be helping. Whether a baby is FF or BF, as long as bubba is feeding and healthy, it doesn't matter  although I know the pressure we put on ourselves is often the worst kind.
The fact you're being so hard on yourself, only shows how much you want the best for your little girl.
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 5:03pm
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You know what babe ? for something that is meant to be the most rewarding , most wonderful , best job in the world , sometimes being a parent really sucks arse , and it does not make you a terrible person , or a terrible parent if you think that sometimes you would rather not do it .
Many evenings I sit and think "my god, I must be THE worst mum ever ! Im lazy , quick tempered, spend far too much time on the computer, I give in to C too easily , I get frustrated when Ty doesn't follow the rule book etc etc " But I try , I do try , might not always be trying my best, but I try and do what I can , its just sometimes, the idea of being responsible for people is overwhelming . I think trying, is all anyone can do , trying , and asking for help, which is the first thing you've done , which is a scary thing to do , and you should be proud of yourself , its never easy to ask for help, especially from your peers , that to me shows Lexie has a mum who would walk through fire for her . And I bet just reading that , you thought "yeah , I would "because I tell you , not once from your post did I get the feeling you don't love your girl , I got the feeling that you love her so much , and so desperately , that it almost scares you ,and it can be hard to understand how we can love someone so completly and without fail , yet not like them some days too , don't worry , you aren't weird , your human . Im not tyring to say your issues are easily resolved, I think you realise yourself that you are going to need additional help to get ontop of this , but I want you to know that you are not a bad parent chick ,you are just human , like all parents . Remember this too , noone is born a mum , thats a life journey that never really ends, I've been a mum for 8 years,and im still learning things everyday . Hugs hun , good on you for being honest , to us and to yourself , I hope you find a good understanding dr and start to feel a bit better ------------- 
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Posted By: Lexidore
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 8:02pm
You gave me tears in my eyes and for a change they were good tears, thanks hun I really appreciate it! -------------
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 8:24pm
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aww bex **big hugs**
Im glad my post made you feel a bit better babe ! -------------
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Posted By: Larrl
Date Posted: 25 March 2010 at 8:45am
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What a brave woman you are bex. The fact that you yourself have sensed that there may be an issue of PND is a huge step. I personally think that you sound like a wonderful mum you are doing what needs to be done in order to care for your little girl. I think a trip to the doctors or even your plunket nurse is the best thing. No one will judge you as a bad mother. I have suffered with depression too and with my first I got to the stage where I was thinking about harming him and myself. Good luck
http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 25 March 2010 at 10:01pm
It made me cry too and it wasn't even for me! But! Big Hugs Bex, I have a lot of those feelings too, so you're not alone. Being a mum is the hardest thing I've ever done! Your wee girl is so beautiful and cheeky looking! I bet she'll grow up and be so proud to have such a loving mummy! |
Posted By: Lexidore
Date Posted: 25 March 2010 at 10:12pm
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Aww thanks so much girls! Today was a pretty good day compared to Mon, Tues Weds this week where I lost it each day and had huge breakdowns, Today I really made sure I tried my hardest to stay calm and I did. I seem to do better on days that I can go out for a little while with her we went to the mall for a couple of hours this morning and she behaved so well only grizzling once for her food and after I fed her she was happy as!!
Am going to talk to plunket next week and see what they think, I have been really lucky to have such great support from everyone on here and my amazing friends and Fiancé. -------------
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 25 March 2010 at 10:50pm
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I totallly agree with Caitlyns Mum, and I totally connect with how you are feeling. I have moments like that , days even, and its such hard work
Im not a professional so I have no idea if this is PND or not, but I think its fantastic that you are keeping your self safe by asking the question of am I ok, I did the same in the ealy days and just by identifying that there was somewhere or someone I could turn to made me feel less burdened. Being a mum is the hardest job in the world for sure, arent we lucky they are so beautiful and we love them so much, but you know what an even better thing is, that they feel the same and they love you back so unconditionally that if you need to take a moment to look after you, then thats ok hun. Big hugs sweetie, as you well know the hard bits are at the beginning x ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 26 March 2010 at 12:21pm
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big hugs babe...you are a great mum...as it has been said this job sucks sometimes and is bloody hard..but at times the greatest job ever.. and Lexie is lucky to be so loved by you...
70$ for the doc:( I would maybe try to go about lexie too and then it will be free..bit cheeky but hopefully will work.. i would just go and talk to doc(thats what i did) and he told me his opinion..to be honest its the best thing i ever did.. anyway big hugs and msg me anytime if you need to talk.. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Lexidore
Date Posted: 26 March 2010 at 1:37pm
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Well I found out today that the doctors is now only $34 for me because i am finally funded!! So if I need to I will go next week after the plunket nurse :D -------------
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Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 26 March 2010 at 4:27pm
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You could also do the http://www.mothersmatter.co.nz/Post-Natal-Depression/Have-I-got-it.asp - Edinburgh PND Questionnaire which will tell you if you have PND. My mw did it with me when Ben was about 4mths and my score was borderline but when my GP did it late last year it showed PND.
I agree with the others, this job can be very rewarding but it can also be blo0dy hard at times and I think we and others forget that. It is a job that you don't really get any training for and is the hardest one I have ever had. ------------- Lindsey 
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Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 27 March 2010 at 8:36pm
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Hiya - I am being monitored for PND at the moment, and have a history of depression, so I understand you're not wanting to go down that road. I am a bit borderline at the moment, but have been trying to prevent it by taking care of myself - not just staying at home all the time with baby, and going to counselling.
The fact that you are feeling overwhelmed - you said 24/7 raises alarm bells to me. I think that sounds like it could be - but see your Dr as soon as you can. From what I've read, it's better to get on to it early. Plunket have been seeing me more often to monitor it and made some helpful suggestions. I hope the Dr and Plunket will help you - sounds like you're onto it with that plan. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Just find professional help, get some more support (take time out), and people you can talk to. Take care of yourself! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: 1st_Time_Preggies
Date Posted: 31 March 2010 at 7:28pm
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Oh my goodness Lexiesmumma, I could be reading about myself here! I feel VERY similar to you, and have been "diagnosed" with PND today. Dr says I should start antidepressents so I have taken my first pill tonight. I am PETRIFIED. But if I end up feeling better for it, and be able to handle my DS not sleeping and screaming, then so be it.
Just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone :-) |
Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 04 April 2010 at 12:21am
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Having been on anti-depressants before, can I just mention that you often feel very very sleepy after starting medication, but it gradually wears off - I think in the first 48hrs. Drs don't acknowledge this often but it's a common experience. And it often doesn't really start to feel like it makes a difference for 2wks depending on what medication you are on. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 16 April 2010 at 11:53am
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I haven't read the posts yet. But I am also going through the not coping. Especially worse due to current school holidays and DD who is 7 in October being very naughty, due to boredom and not feeling like I have any genuine friends anymore and having financial issues and car issues. I have maternal mental health visiting once a week which helps and also PND support are going to ring me once a week to see how I am and also there is a support group and 8 wk course starting soon, so hope that helps, though at the moment due to car being non-operational, don't know if I can get to it I am planning to go to a PIN group too when plunket let me know when there is one to go to. I find ohbaby forums are a good support too though. So glad I found ohbaby! I had the PND real bad the first 3 wks after Annabelle was born and thought it had gone, but no, it's come back again. Got to the point a few weeks ago where I wanted to self-harm, so called DP and got him to come home, so I didn't do anything dumb. Right better go, I was supposed to be hanging washing out, but got distracted by ohbaby again LOL! Will come back and read posts later. -------------   
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 16 April 2010 at 12:12pm
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I too have been guilty of yelling at baby, especially those first 3 wks and then bawled my eyes out when DP told me off for it. I've felt exactly you you described Bex and I too have a history of depression.
ETA. PND support did say that birth and labour, though it may not have been too traumatising can contribuate to Mum's feeling like this and it can last for upto 1 year for some Mum's. -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 16 April 2010 at 12:20pm
I so relate to that feeling. -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 1:47pm
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I've been having more not coping moments since last week. I think the end of school holidays didn't help, as older DD was getting more bored and acting up and being very naughty. And this week I am sick, so that isn't helping my mood. Yesterday was a real crap day. -------------
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Posted By: 1st_Time_Preggies
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 6:43am
| I had a crap day yesterday too! Must have been something in the water :-) |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 8:14pm
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Let's hope the water improves then and we get some better days. -------------
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Posted By: LouD
Date Posted: 24 April 2010 at 6:24pm
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Hope since you first posted this that things have made a good turn. I know we dont speak anymore but it saddened me to see how hard things have been for you.
This forum is the best thing in the world and i would be at times lost without it. It was the lovely ladies on here that helped me through my depression while pregnant and I hope that having the same support on here will help you through your hard time. One day you will look back and see how far you have come and how much you have achieved and also learned. Also Hugs Kelly and everyone else on here that are able to acknowledge openly that they arent coping cos that helps everyone else on here to know they are not alone and not abnormal for their feelings I have a phone number for someone that runs a PND support group in the Hutt, someone who used to be a client and she gave me her number just in case i needed it so would be happy to pass it on and she would be more than happy for anyone to contact her about joining in etc.......or just to talk, PM me if you would like it Just remember to take each day as it comes and OB is always here with some awesome advise and support. |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 24 April 2010 at 9:22pm
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Yeah I am going to a Wellington PND support group for 8 wks starting next week. It will be good I think. Especially meeting people going through the same thing. I am also going to a PIN group now too for 2nd and 3rd time Mum's. I have PND support person call once a week also to check how I am. Plus I have a lady visit from Maternal Mental Health once a week. I have also started a coffee group on here for new mum's and mum's to be. I am hoping this all will help. I find when I don't get to socialize much I get more overwhelmed and more depressed.
I did have a crap day when the Maternal Mental Health lady visited on Wednesday. I didn't like what she had to say and felt offended and pissed off at some of the things she said. I think I was just feeling depressed so I took offense to some things she said. I was feeling so crap I felt like telling her not to come back. PND sux at times like that. -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 24 April 2010 at 9:27pm
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Thankx for everything you had to say Chickielou.
And yeah it is great having people on here so open and honest. It helps. And I agree with something some said to me about feeling like you are a failure for feeling this way, though we are not. I find when I am stressed my resistance gets low and I get sick easier and when I am sick I get down. Stupid weather making me sick grr! -------------
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 21 May 2010 at 10:35pm
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Man I'm feeling a bit peeved at the moment. It's hard to know whether I'm just overly sensitive due to the PND or not. But I start things like a meet up and coffee group and there is always someone who seems to bulldoze in so to speak and take things over or put things to an end to these groups I create. I'm trying to find friends, so I have some support and have some more opportunites to socialize, as I get more down if I don't see people socially very much. Makes me feel rejected, like I'm not good enough and people would rather not be around me. Doesn't help my mood. -------------
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