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weegee 
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Joined: 28 May 2008
Location: Kaukapakapa
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 Topic: What can we do?
Posted: 17 November 2008 at 9:00am |
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Hi, I have just found out friends of ours had their third child stillborn at 41 weeks yesterday. We are not especially close friends but I still feel deeply affected. What I want to know is, for anybody who has been through this awful experience, do we send them a card? Take round some meals? Or is it best just to let them be for a while? Did you want your loss acknowledged or would you have preferred not to be reminded? They are very religious so I hope they are receiving some comfort from their faith.
ETA I think I broke the forum by originally posting this under another subject the same as an old thread, but I can't access it to remove it (or view the old thread for that matter). Admin if you see this can you please delete the duplicate topic?
Edited by weegee
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Mum to JJ, 4 July 2008 & Addie, 28 July 2010
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Nefertiti
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Joined: 15 December 2007
Location: Hamilton
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Posted: 17 November 2008 at 9:18am |
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Oh the poor family! I honestly don't know what is best to do. A friend my daughter has passed away on Thursday at age 15yrs, tragically. The mother was very keen to have the girls friends around her so went and saw her and the girl last night before the funeral today.
But I don't know about this situation. I would suggest do what you feel comfortable with. But it sounds like you don't know. If it was me I guess, and we weren't really close, to start with I'd send a card (no flowers) and if there was a notice in the paper publically saying where the funeral was then I'd attend. So then I could give her a hug there and not feel like I was intruding. Because if there is nothing in the paper, then I would interpret they want their privacy.
I would then contact her in a few weeks by phone just to say hello and offer support then.
This is what I'd do ....others will be different.
My thoughts are with the family.
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Genie
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Location: Nelson
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Posted: 17 November 2008 at 9:59am |
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I think what Nefertiti said sounds sensible. We lost a baby at 22wks preg and one of the hardest parts afterwards was the way people didn't acknowledge our loss. I think its better to do/say something than just ignore it.
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weegee
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Posted: 17 November 2008 at 10:10am |
Oh Nefertiti I didn't even think about the funeral - good thinking! Will keep an eye out. I have also decided I will cook some meals for their freezer but I'll leave them with closer friends to give to them so they're not inundated (and like you said will make a note to call her in a few weeks once it's all died down which I imagine will be the hardest part).
It is so sad - I gave JJ an extra special squeeze this morning 
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Mum to JJ, 4 July 2008 & Addie, 28 July 2010
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ellen
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Posted: 17 November 2008 at 8:20pm |
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That's soooo sad. I haven't lost anyone really close so I'm only able to go by experiences of others.
I think it's one of the hardest things to do, but my mum always taught me to not shy away from acknowledging the passing of loved ones - like Genie said.
Friends of mine through work had a stillborn baby a couple of years ago. And my niece died from a brain tumor at 8 years old. Both parents (especially the mums) like to talk about them - I imagine it helps to keep their memory alive?
Follow their lead and try not to avoid them, even though it can be uncomfortable initially. Cooking some meals sounds like a great idea.
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mummy_becks
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Posted: 17 November 2008 at 9:18pm |
Annie would be able to help you, her BF lost her baby at around that time too. It is so sad thou.
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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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Mummaof3
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Posted: 18 November 2008 at 2:33pm |
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We lost our 1st born, Riley, at 40 weeks and I can say from experience it is important that the lost child is acknowledged. Every couple deals with this type of loss differently, they may want their privacy but if you are going to give the cooked food, which is an awesome idea, to a closer friend make sure they know it is from you. Having community and friend support over this time helps tremendously. So if you get brave enough to be there in person take the food to them and give them a big hug, you don't need to hang around, you'll get a feel from them whether they appreciate a long or short visit. If you can find out what the named their child and acknowledge them by name in a card if you are planning on giving one. Also we were given plants rather than flowers from some people and that was great as these are still alive today ( 1.5 years on). My heart goes out to them through this difficult time.
Edited by Dalice2
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fattartsrock
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Posted: 18 November 2008 at 11:12pm |
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(((hugs))) like Becs said, my BFF lost her first daughter Emjay at about this stage. She went into labour and baby was still ok, but later on, she had passed.
I think the hardest part was that after a while, people move on with their own lives and aknowledgment of *baby* fades into background of others but is still forefont in mums mind. They still want to be known as mothers and their babies still aknowledged, however most other people carry on and don''t bring it up as it makes them uncomfortable.
My advice is let them lead the mourning. A close friend of both mine and BFF lost her baby at about 22 weeks, same as I was preg with charlotte and it weighed heavy on all of our minds as I was worried Charlotte would make her sad (they were due same time) and also we all thought that as a default of being a friend of Anna's that we were all exempt from stillbirth. Anna mourned in a more "public" way than my other friend but she by no means mourned less. Let her lead the way and be there for her, God would hope we never have to experience this, but it is best we can support those we love the best way we know how as this is the most painfull loss.
Edited by fattartsrock
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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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What can we do?
