same sex mummies to be

WELCOME!

This group is for all the mummie's to be (pregnant or planning) who are in same-sex relationships.

I've just had a wonderful experience on the Due October 2012 forum having nervously identified myself as a gay mum-to-be. They welcomed me so warmly and had funny and awesome things to say. Two other same-sex couple ladies dropped in to say hello and this is how this group was "born" - pun intended :)

Use this group to ask and answer any questions, suggest gay-friendly midwives and share your experiences :)

We're due October 28th after a 2nd IUI through FA. First scan March 14th! Toes_crossed it sticks..

Toes_crossed, did you know there is a playgroup in Wellington for "diverse families including same-sex parents and donor families of any flavour"? I'm really looking forward to finally being able to join!

Yippee! Us too :-)

Hi koromiko, funny I never clicked about you either, I'd been lurking in the July thread a little as I was due in May (but MC), so had been looking in the other threads around that date.

I'd never seen any other 'out' mummies to be, so thought I must be the only one on here. I joined an Aussie forum that has a GLBT thread, but hardly anyone used it.

I've also found heaps of amazing blogs online of lesbian mums, some great ones in Aus & heaps in the US. I can list some if you ladies are interested.

We are currently 10wks tomorrow, and have had a pretty high success rate with getting BFP's so far.

Our first go with DIY at home insemination we got a BFP on our first attempt (totally amazing as we only insem 2x in one day as our donor was due to donate at FA for us, so he had to have 2 days break before donating there - and had only just arrived into the country the poor guy!) He's my lovely wife's brother, and from the Caribbean. (yep we gonna have a gorgeous baby!) After I miscarried we started trying again immediately as he was due to leave the country. 1st attempt was only 14 days after the MC so too soon, tried again the next month, then lucky the 3rd time, just 2 mths, 1 week after the MC. And a week before our baby daddy had to fly home! We found out it was successful when he'd arrived home.

We are so happy and are blessed not just with our own excitement and happiness about this, but also that of our families and friends. We got married 3 weeks ago today & I was so thrilled to be pregnant again as we'd planned the whole wedding around me being 6.5mths hapu. It was awesome announcing to the people that didn't know that I was pregnant again!

We've got supportive people all around us.
But that said....I've been hungry to have other women who know what we are going through to share this journey with. Who can understand the looks you get, the assumptions everyone makes, knowing you will have to come out to all and sundry once you have kids as your relationship is so much more exposed etc!

So yay for finding you two and I hope there's more gay mummies or daddies to come and join us!!!

Hi!!! So exciting to see you guys I have been in the due in March 2012 thread with an awesome group of ladies that welcomed me and we have had some good laughs. Our baby was due March 1st but I actually had to have a c section on Tuesday because he was transverse with excess fluid. Hope you don't mind me joining you even though I've had my bubba already?

We went through three rounds of IVF with clinic recruited donor for this little boy. He was the fifth embryo implantation. We did IVF because I carried my wife's baby. She has a misshapen uterus and wasn't keen on carrying a child at all plus has a very physical job. So we made the crazy decision to put ourselves through two years of IVF, but yay we finally have our little man!!! It's so hard to believe we finally made it.

Looking forward to sharing experiences with you all. The familiar questions of what does your husband do? Yah dah yah dah, good times. I'm in Palmerston North BTW.

Edited by Lulu 30

Pepi-babe, I'd be interested in the blogs. I have been following http://theothermother.typepad.com/ for years.

Hey girls,

Welcome Lulu!! Off course you're more than welcome to join here with your little man :) We can definitely learn some things from you! Hope you're recovering well from your C section.

Did you guys use FA? Is there one in Palmerston North?
What a wonderful experience to carry your wife's baby! Congratulations!! How is he doing?

Pepi-bebe, wow that's amazing what you guys went through. And how perfect being preggies on your wedding day and getting through all of this :) I guess all of us go through such an emotional and expensive roller coaster, each of us has such an interesting story to tell about the journey to motherhood and it definitely doesn't stop there. Like you say Pepi, once we have the children, there is another whole new world bringing them up in a same-sex relationship and having to explain and correct everyone ALL the time when they ask about the "daddy"...hmm life certainly will be challenging but wonderful :)

Koromiko I agree with the midwife thing - it's more important to have an experienced one and hope she is ok with the gay thing - most people are.

Like you, we tried the DIY with a personal donor first. He didn't want to do the home thing so we went through a clinic - Fertility Plus. After 6 months of tests and lots of money to get him there we went to the final mandatory counselling session. Initially we were reluctant as we though "we're all good we communicate well" and OMG so glad we did it! During the last session new things came up which we didn't expect - like the donor actually wanting a relationship with the child and the child calling him "daddy" and their children being "siblings", we so didn't expect that as we thought we had plenty of conversations about the donor situation!! It's not what we wanted at all!

So sadly but luckily we withdrew from the whole thing :( We then went through FA and were initially told the wait was around 2 years and went on their donor wait list. We did also find them very frustrating at first. We started out in Auckland and found Reception and Specialists to be quite frosty. But we were lucky to get to the top of the donor wait list after a year and had 3 to choose from - unbelievably the first profile we read was EVERYTHING we had been wanting. He sounded like such a fantastic guy and the Donor Coordinator was just wonderful!! So we moved to Wellington for work reasons and started our cycles.

We had a major incident with one very discriminating and inappropriate specialist in Wellington who was an absolute shocker! So we changed to another one and the staff said they totally understood (sounded like they know he does this) the new one was ok. In saying that we found the reception staff and nurses just wonderful.

We got lucky on the 2nd IUI. It's very early days...and today I'm a little concerned as my symptoms have slowed down, not getting as much MS or cramps...? Next blood test this Thursday.

Because we're new to Wellington we don't know anyone. It would be great to get to know some other female couples who are starting, or have started a family. Excited about the play group!

Also, thanks girls for the blogs :)

haha Pepi :)

Thanks for the Blogs, looking forward to your one too, when you think of a cool name!

We think the baby will start calling us mama N and mama k but then will find their own one. As for last name. We tried having the same last name and decided we didn;t like that tradition. Since I'm having the bubs we decided kids will have my last name and her family's middle name (which everyone in the family has). Pity though as my last name is loong! Poor kid... but hyphenating it would just be cruel.

Totally makes sense Pepi what you decided with your donor, your culture certainly supports that. Unfortunately our personal donor and his wife were very controlling and we were worried that he would try and influence how we bring up our child which to us wasn't accaptable.

Our FA anonymous donor sounded very kind and loving with his family and said he would be fine with the child contacting him if that's what the child wanted. And we want that too for our child. He also said he could provide photos of him and his family...so everything we wanted really. We already have friends who are a straight couple and had to use a donor. They have awesome books for children and wonderful ways of bringing the donor topic into the child's life...we would never want to keep it a secret.

Toes-crossed, that sounds great about your donor's willingness to be contacted and the photos etc - pretty neat for a donor through a clinic.

Koromiko - it's amazing the connection you feel with your donor for giving you that gift eh? Indescribable.

I have certainly struggled with trying to find the right donor, in my previous relationship we also decided to have a child (it's always been a non-negotiable for me). A former boss of mine, who I was good friends with volunteered, but after signing a contract and trying 2x my partner freaked out so we waited a year, then decided we were ready and then the donors wife had changed her mind. So we spent another year looking for someone else. I found it so frustrating how men will accidentally 'knock-up' women without seeming to think twice, but if you ask them for their sperm in a concious way - with no strings attached apart from that the baby will know who they are, even when you are an awesome couple (we had a successful business, good incomes, had been together 5 years etc), they freak out about it lol.

Then finally the next year the donor and his wife and us renegotiated and agreed to try again...but then my partner of 5.5 years freaked out again about the whole thing and we broke up! So it's been a long journey for me, as we tried about 4-5 times with that donor, and I guess the universe just knew it was not a good idea lol. Especially since this time round it happened first try!

With regards to books - I've had 'The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy & Birth' - Toevs & Brill, for years & it was really useful for the DIY insemination stuff. But I find it's mostly for the planning stage. I think they have it at Unity Books in Wellington. I'm a big book reader so read all sorts - but try and avoid stuff that just sets out to worry you lol.

I'm also investigating Hypnobirthing and the book by Marie Mongan is great - incredible philosophies on how labour pain is closely linked to fear and tension making your muscles tense and therefore more painful to give birth. It uses self (and partner assisted) hypnosis to help you to relax your mind and most importantly your muscles. I love that throughout the book it uses partner or birthing companion and not husband, man etc. It's espcially good in the hypnosis dialogues or I reckon I would keep getting pissed off with it saying husband and I'd snap out of the hypnosis lol. Check out http://aucklandhypnobirthing.co.nz/ for some awesome inspiration!

Have a great day...my MS seems to be getting a lot better and I'm looking forward to lunch with my bestie today...if you wanna see my wedding pics I'll PM you 3 a link to her blog (she's a photographer).

MammieB - THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I teared up.. Could also be the hormones ;)So lovely to have such gorgeous, kind people around. All the best with your family!

Pepi - awesome! Thanks for the tips on the book. Migh pop into Unity Books and have a browse...

I totally agree with you on the topic of men and their sperm. When we were trying to find a donor we found most men freaked out and couldn't even genuinely respond to say yes or no, and these were people we thought we knew well. One offered himself when he found out we were looking - a guy I knew quite well from a previous work/course. So we wrote the whole email to him and his wife telling them we would cover all costs, all visits, abide by their wishes and ensure everyone is happy, sign contracts to ensure they don't have to worry about child-support etc. It was a well balanced kind email giving them the option to say no if they felt uncomfortable with going ahead and that we would understand - he didn't even reply!! Then he took me off his facebook page!

We felt so embarrassed!! This guy has like 10 kids to 3 different partners and used to talk about how he used to spread his seed everywhere. I was so disgusted at his cowardliness, to not even reply and say no thank you - maybe he thought he would get hanky panki with two chicks...?? ugh...

Even though our anonymous donor is someone we don't know well, he sounded like the most genuine, nicest, kind guy who was doing this because him and his wife wanted to give a gift back to someone. We thought that would be the best and most positive way to bring our child into this world, with kindness and love so they know the person they are connected genetically to is kind and loving to his family as well as strangers.

Haha Koroko we're N and K - except I'm the K :) Who knows what our children will call us...we'll leave it to them!

Ok so 2nd blood test this morning, eagerly awaiting results as no real MS and boobs aren't as sore?? Trying to stay positive, thank goodness DW is keeping me positive, giving me all kinds of mantras to say in my head. Otherwise I would be freaking out right now..so impatient. FX Tx that all is ok..

MammieB - That's so sweet. you rock too!

ToesX - your donor offer guy sounds so weird. Maybe he had an 'alternative' (well for us ladies), style of insemination in mind and hadn't discussed it with his wife. So when you emailed maybe all hell broke loose lol. I kind of hope so a little bit if he was being sleazy ;-)

Koromiko - yeah the same with Doria's brother. In fact they gave it to him to bring home and fill in, and his handwriting is truly attrocious, so he dictated to me and I wrote it out lol. It was actually really sweet doing it with him, and hearing why he was motivated to help us out, as he's usually a guy of few words.

What I found weird was how FA got my wife to have blood tests, when she wasn't going to be the one donating?! We htought maybe it was to check she didn't have Hep or HIV etc and pass it to me? Did you ladies have that too?

FA in Auckland were really sweet, we had Dr Mary Birdsall and she was just lovely. She actually got excited when she realised that D's brother was our donor and that therefore the baby would most likely have african ethnicity hair. She kind of made a 'squee' sound and pretended to rub her face in the imaginary baby's imaginary hair. I thought it was adorable! D couldn't work out what all the fuss was about, but I'm definitely looking forward to zillions of teeny dark curls.

Our poor donor had an embarassing time at the clinic though, he was fresh of the plane from the Caribbean and not used to being the only black guy around, so he got lots of stares (as does my wife lol). But it was magnified 100 times at the clinic! He was like "argh everyone knows what I'm here for and they are all staring". I told him I reckoned it was just that the staff would see hardly any black guys and they were probably not thinking about the 'donating' process as much as "what beautiful babies he'll make". I don't think I convinced him though!

Any other funny clinic stories?