QuoteReplyTopic: Not bonding with child Posted: 24 May 2010 at 10:07am
Not 100% sure if this is the right place to post this, but it seemed the most relevant. Sorry in advance for the long post!
My wife is really struggling with her pregnancy. She is at 6 months now, and feels no connection to the baby at all in fact she sees nothing positive about the pregnancy at all, nor does she look forward to the baby being born or anything following that.
She feels that this is the biggest mistake of her life and that nothing about being a parent appeals to her. She's not going to terminate, but wants nothing to do with the child after it's born and is considering adopting it out.
She doesn't like talking about how she feels to anyone but me, although she has told her mum and I've told mine how she feels. She's worried she won't be able to lose her weight, gets angry at the thought of a crying baby and is really affraid she'll end up with PND and not recover. All she sees is what this baby is costing her physically, emotionally and financially for (in her eyes) no benefit.
The pregnancy has been hard on her, she's still getting morning sickness (for most of the day), feels like she's getting fat (which she hates, which makes her feel worse), and feels no connection to the child. It's just been one problem after another with no possitives so far. She likes her life, and can see all the freedoms and things she enjoys being taken away from her by the baby.
She feels completely alone and I feel completely powerless to help her, it breaks my heart to see her like this but I can't do anything to change how she feels.
She's agreed to see a counsellor, but she feels so completely alone in this because noone else seems to understand how she feels. I'm hoping and preying that something will happen when the baby comes, but I'm worried that it won't.
I'm trying to arrange a consult with Susan Goldstiver here in auckland, has anyone used her before? Is she any good? Can you recommend anyone else?
What I'd really love is to connect with a support group or just some other woment hat have been where she is and come through it ok, someone who can really understand where she is coming from, not judge her and tell her from experience, not just wishful thinking, that things really will be ok.
Hi there, first of all big to you and your wife.
I felt similarly when I was pregnant. Not all the time but during the last few months of pregnancy I was definitely having doubts about it all. Asking myself why I even wanted a baby cause I was goint to lose my life, lose my body etc. You wouldn't be human if you had no doubts at all. I've never been an overly maternal person and had never even held a baby before so I was really worried that I was going to be a terrible Mum. Adoption crossed my mind on a few occassions altho to tell the truth, I don't think I would have ever been able to go through with it. I didn't really feel a strong body to Isla when I was pregnant altho it certainly helped when we found out she was a girl. It was much harder when I could just refer to her as 'it'. My partner was besotted with her even before she was born. He'd talk to her through my belly and I'd just roll my eyes thinking he was going crazy. He would get quite upset that I didn't do the same but I just didn't feel the need to.
I had quite a traumatic labour which resulted in an Emergency C-Sec so I was pretty exhausted by the time she actually arrived. It was love at first sight. I still found it hard to bond for the first few weeks and found myself getting upset whenever she'd cry but we got there in the end. You just have to be open with everyone around you so they can offer support. My Midwife was really great and I just had to ring her if I was having troubles and she would come over to help out. I also had my Fiance home with me for 2 and a half weeks. I think I would have gone mad without him.
I do have PND (diagnosed today) but there are a lot of other factors that have contributed to that (ie history of depression, financial isses and my father having a brain tumour) but I now have an amazing bond with my wee girl and I wouldn't change her for the world. I LOVE being a Mum and I now look back asking myself why I was happy with my life the way it was before her because nothing compares to having a child. Even the stretch marks and C-Sec scar are worth it. Sure, they arent that nice to look at but they are there to remind you what an amazing job your body has done. They are something to be proud of (and yes, you CAN lose your baby weight. I put on 25kg with my daughter and I am back to my pre pregnancy weight and she is only 3 months old. It doesn't happen for everyone but it is possible).
I didn't really talk to anyone about how I felt during pregnancy cause I was ashamed of the way I was thinking but I have found this site great for support so I'd suggest your wife gets on here and have a chat. It's good because you can remain anonymous. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger.
Best of luck with everything. It will get better. All you can do is be there for her and reassure her that it is completely normal to feel this way. Your hormones are pretty messed up during pregnancy and your mind can play horrible tricks on you.
I hope what I've said has helped, even just a little bit.
Take care x
My situation is slightly different but our last had severe spina bifida and had him at 22w. This pregnancy I haven't really bonded. I haven't wanted to bond until I know its healthy. I've had reassurance from a doctor saying everything looks good thus far but it hasn't settled my mind completely so I'm detached for the most part. I haven't brought a thing for this child yet despite everyone else due around the same time as me spending up a storm. I have no desire too.
I also hate pregnancy. I get bad morning sickness and get bloody resentful of it. I also pile on a ton of weight which doesn't do much for self confidence either. But I know with work you can get rid of it. I lost 30+kg in between Daniel and getting pregnant to this one.
Prior to having Daniel I had had zero experience with babies. I mean had never held a baby or done anything so it was all foreign territory for me and I was one of those people who would be out shopping and hear a baby cry and think would you just shut the f up. Its a huge learning curve but having a kid doesn't mean your life is over either. Since having daniel I have taken up a new hobby which is snorkelling/diving and that can't be done around here so I have to travel to do it and I'm still able to. I think having kids just takes more organisation. It doesn't mean you have to completely give up your life.
Hi firsttimedad, that sux how she is feeling, but it's not abnormal either. With regards to support, try checking out this website: link Yes it is postnatal, but they generally could tell you who to contact.
Hi firsttimedad, I remember you from a few months ago when you found out you were pregnant. Sorry to hear things are not going so well. Are you with a midwife or an obs? Midwives are often a good first point of call to try and get some help.
Pregnancy is such a strange time for many of us, you feel uncomfortable in your skin, hormones are raging and while you are sharing the experience with a partner/husband, essentially can be a very lonely time.
I didn't feel much bonding during the pregnancy and felt fat and uncomfortable but things changed after DD was born.
Try and remind her how good you think she looks and what a good mum you think she will be, I'm sure you do anyway.
As nzlisajo said, get her to come on her, its pretty anonymous and people on here are a great support.
I have heard Susan speak at a seminar and she was brilliant - I really hope that you can get an appointment with her, I am sure that she can help. If you are able to talk to your MW / OB about this, then they can get you onto the Maternal Mental Health team and they are great too....
I really hope that you both get the support that you need.
This has been a hard thing for her to get through, and it seems to be an ongoing struggle.
Yes, we have a midwife now. We had a bad experience with the first one, but we've managed to find one now who seems to be a better fit. She knows that my wife isn't enjoying her pregnancy and doesn't feel connected to the baby but we've never "unloaded" on her.
It's good to know that other people do feel the same way, there are a few comments on here that really ring a familiar bell.
kebakat, you sound similar to her - she's never been maternal (except with our cat who she adores), never wanted to hold babies, and she finds crying babies frustrating etc. so it's good to hear that things got better and there is perhaps some light at the end of the tunnel.
Likewise nzlisajo, there are some clear parallels between you and her, and it's great to hear that you're happy with your life now. She's a very emotional person in general, capable of great extremes at both ends of the spectrum. She knew she was pregnant within days of conception somehow - she told me as much at the time though I didn't believe her - and she was sure she was having a boy but all the scans say girl. It's in her nature to try and plan for the worst, but I think that in this case she really believes the worst will happen rather than just being prepared for it.
I think we both (my wife and I) hope there will be some magical moment when the baby arrives and all these negative feelings and doubts will magically go away, but it's just pretty hard to imagine that happening, and we certainly don't want to bank on it in case it doesn't or build up expectations.
jano1, yes it's me nice of you to remember! We've managed to get some of the food worries a bit more under control which was a big frustration early on. It's still tough to find enough meals that can be prepared quickly and are both safe and apetising but we've got this far so I'm confident we can - hopefully - get through the next 3 months.
I think the hardest thing for her is feeling that she's so alone and that she's not normal for feeling this way. It's nice to here from people on here that have had similar feelings.
It seems that people are always so full of joy when you tell them you're pregnant, and it's nice to be swept away in that for a while, but then you go home and are left wondering why you don't feel the same way.
No-one seems to talk about how they had doubts, were terrified and miserable or didn't feel connected to the baby but got through it and come out the other end ok. I think she needs to feel supported and not judged for feeling so negatively so I'm sure the comments on here will be reassuring.
Her job has been both a curse and a saving grace in this. she's an amazingly hard worker, and still does long hours at the office. On one hand it provides her with a distraction from her pregnancy (this is essentially how she's gotten through so far - keeping distracted) and gives her a routine, but on the other it's stressful and very demanding bringing it's own pressures to bear.
There seem to be some [post natal support groups out there but I've had real trouble finding something similar for people who are still pregnant - I'll check out postnataldistress.org (thanks escadachic) but if you know of any such support groups for people struggling with their pregnancy I'd love to hear about them.
Thanks again to everyone who's contributed here, and if you know anyone else who can identify with what she's going through, please encourage them to post here as well. I'll feed back to her what's being said here (she'd never be able to check this site or post here at her work).
Maybe check out www.mothersmatter.co.nz. It is more so focussed on post natal depression but there is abit on there about depression in pregnancy etc. And there are links there as well to support groups right throughout NZ so hopefully you can find something there that may be able to help you guys out a bit.
I really hope you can both sort it out, it sounds terrible what you are going through. I have huge admiration for you for coming on here to ask for help. It's not always easy to reach out, and I think that is partly why you don't often hear about this side of pregnancy, cause most people just put on a happy face and pretend it's all great cause they think it's the 'polite' thing to do. I know I was guilty of doing that on several occasions during my pregnancy. I hope that the counselling sessions help your wife to realise that her feelings are completely normal and she isn't alone. Remember we are always here if you need to talk
Do a search on here, I know this isn't the first thread along these lines either. There has been some good advice and interesting experiences shared before.
Good luck and you sound like you are doing a great job helping take care of her.
Just wanted to add my experience in case it helps at all. My pregnancy was ok, I didn't love it but didn't hate it either but never felt particularly connected to my baby, never talked to him or anything like that. He was born early and was taken to the special care unit straight away so i never got to hold him, and after a quick labour I really felt as if nothing had happened. It was very strange going to see him in his incubator, I didn't feel like his mum, I felt quite detached from the whole experience.
Even when we came home I didn't really feel that much for him, it wasn't love at first site - I took good care of him, gave him kisses and cuddles but never really understood that amazing 'bond' that some women talk of. Fortunately before he was born my mum had actually said to me that it may take time to form that bond and not to worry too much if it didn't happen straight away.
It was probably around the 6 month mark that I 'got it'. And now almost 2 years later he is my little sunshine that makes me smile every day. I guess my point is to not put that pressure on yourselves to suddenly be totally in love with your baby, but to let those feelings grow. Hopefully it will be love at first site, I wish that for you both after the tough time you're going through now.
I'm never full of joy when talking about pregnancy.
Today for example I had to go see my chiro. First time I've seen him in close to a year. I had to tell him prior to him doing his thing that I was preg in case he had to do things differently or what have you.. Hes like oh thats exciting and I just blurted out that I bloody well hate it lol. I then went on to say that I just hate pregnancy with a passion. I don't even mind the thought of labour but I wish i could skip the whole pregnancy thing altogether.
And I've certainly never been maternal. When I had Daniel and was holding him I was like thank god thats over (labour) and then I was like this is so cool but felt very out of my depth when feeding was a struggle and then getting him home thinking, now what do I do? But you do learn and adapt.
But, I love being a mum. I love spending time with my little guy 99% of the time. And I wouldn't change it.
It must be a very hard time for you both, especially if you are looking forward to the arrival of your child and your wife is talking about adoption!
I hope you both can get in to see someone and discuss things properly. Pregnancy hormones can certainly hinder rational thinking!
Not bonding with baby before its born is more common than you think. I have not bonded with either of mine really. I talk to them but I am very disconnected and I didnt bond with Jake immediately at birth, in fact I didnt wholly believe he was my child and was waiting for someone to come and take him away and tell me it was a mistake. I felt that way for about 6 weeks...
There is also a condition known as prenatal depression that affects pregnant women, it would probably be a good idea to discuss the possiblity of that with your midwife or gp.
There was another lady on here about a year ago who was in a similar position. I can't remember her user name though, hopefully if she still frequents the board she will see this and pop in or someone else might remember who it is that I'm talking about.
firsttimedad - reading your post sounded like you were talking about me a year ago. Your wife sounds like she is struggling with the exact mind set I had. I've never told my story in entirety before, as I honestly thought I might have been the only person to feel like this and it would be beyond most peoples capabilities to understand, after all what sort of women doesn't want her own child?
I'm sorry if this is going to be a bit of a novel but I'm hoping that within my story there might be something to give you some hope for the future and that your wife is not alone in feeling this way..
When I got pregnant, it came as a shock and it turned my life upside down, all my plans went out the window, It threatened my whole existance turning me into someone who I was not, it also concerned me that my 15 year relationship had become increasingly rocky over the past couple of years, this also weighed heavily on my mind. So here I was in my mid 30's with an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy, I felt so totally and utterly disgusted, angry and betrayed by my own body for doing this to me. Mentally I was a wreck with alsorts of things going through my mind. I explored the abortion idea, but I struggled with the idea of been responsible for killing a child and my partner said the thought of killing his child was sickning. Secretly I hoped I would miscarry, and when I had a bleed at 9 wks I thought all my prayers had been answered. Upon seeing the scan it quickly became obvious that the fetus was alive and well with a good strong heat beat. At the moment my partner saw the heart beat it all seemed real to him and he was excited and looking forward to his new roll as a dad (he had always wanted children). Seeing the heat beat for me made my heart sink, it was like OMG it's still there, alive and growing stonger, an unwanted parasite infesting and taking over my body . For the next few months I battled contantly with myself, thinking I might just need time to accept the pregnancy, but my feelings didn't change, I felt no conection to the baby and resented it for doing this to me. I explored the adoption option secretly not telling my partner, even though I didn't want to keep the baby I didn't want anything bad to happen to it either (after all it wasn't the babies fault), and thought the best chance for it to have a good life would be with someone else, my mind set was, "how on earth could I be a good loving mum to a child I didn't want", I started looking for prospective couples to take the baby.
At 18 weeks I still hadn't got a midwife and my partner was desperately trying to convince me to get one, I refused and told him if he wanted one he had better arrange it because I wasn't going to bother. He chose the MW and it was about this time he found out I was looking into adoption, this caused it's own set of issues, but the bottom line was that my partner would take the baby and be a solo dad if it came to that, Also feeling the baby kick totally freeked me out.
Things progressed and at about 24 weeks, my MW tried to talk me into going to antenatal group, I didn''t want any part of it, I had nothing in common with those proud mums to be, my GP reffered me to a councllor to try and help me accept the pregnancy and look at things in a positive light, unfortunately this councillor I saw wasn't trained in maternal mental health issues and I didn't get anything useful out of the session, I still hadn't got my head around the idea of been a mum and had a impending scence of doom that was slowly consuming me, I felt so trapped and helpless, no matter what I did there was no way out, I had no control over my life and what was happening to me. I told DP that if I was going to stick around after the birth I wouldn't be going to breast feed, It was around about this time DP decided to name the baby in an attempt for me to see the baby as a person and not as a parasite infesting my body.
At 28 weeks I was forced to give up work, due to bad sciatica, unfortunately this gave me more time to think and my misery grew, I spent my days crying and regretted not having an abortion I just wanted a way out.
At 30 weeks I started having panic attacks and my blood pressure started to get up to concerning levels, and my MW started to keep a closer watch on me and also reffered me to maternal mental health, it was also around this time I started to prepair my partner for the worst possible out come, at the birth I told him that he should be the first to hold the baby because I wasn't sure I could bring myself to hold her. Maternal mental health paid me a visit, we went over a few things she gave me a few differnt options and exercises to go through in an attempt to change my train of thought.
Things pretty much stayed the same until 37 weeks, when som ething really strange started to happen, I had the urge to clean the flat from top to bottom, it was during this time while cleaning, that a uncontrolable scence of calm came over me. I can't really describe it, it seemed to put some things in perspective.
at 38 weeks I went into labour, I had a fairly straight forward natural birth (no drugs), only gas and after 19 1/2 hours she was born. I was so tired, and still didn't feel anything for the screaming purple lump of flesh lying on my belly, I couldn't even bring my self to touch her, after DP cut the cord they removed her from my belly and did the checks they needed to do, she was still screaming, I remember thinking somebody shut that thing up, then DP held her and she calmed down immediately, DP looked so proud holding that baby in his arms, then they brought her to me and expected me to feed her, I was like Ummm no.... but shortly after she was having a feed, I felt kinda emotionally numb. The next day was kind of a blur, I still felt nothing, I was holding her looking at the little face searching my soul trying to find some sort of connection and then I realised the little face was turning blue in front of me, she had stopped breathing, I looked for a nurse there was none in sight and then I had a feeling it was one of desperation, and panic she was dying in front of me, I turned her unside down and patted her on the back a few times then she gave a big gasp and a cry and the colour returned to her little face. Having this happen made me aware that there was something there was some feelings there, I continued BFing much to everyone elses and my surprise, first there was a scence of duty, and then one of protection towards her, and it wasn't until she smiled at around 7 weeks that I felt any real kind of conection towards her. She's 5 months now and doing really well, she's a happy content little girl.
Learning to love a baby isn't always easy, for some women it's instant and happens the moment they find out they are pregnant and others like me it takes time. I hated been pregnant and didn't want to give up my life, I saw no positives coming out of having a baby, and my selfish ignorance blinded me to only seeing the things I was losing or having to give up , my life has been taken down a different path, one I would have never opted to go down and stange as it may seem as time progresses I'm not missing my old life as much, my life is now opened up and I'm experiencing a whole new world of feelings and watching my baby blossom into a beautiful little girl, it took time for me to love my little girl, but these days I look at her and I think she's the most beautiful thing in the world.
Zasha! Thanks so much for sharing your story, it bought a tear to my eye. What a strong lady you are for going through all of that and coming out the other side as a loving Mum. Your daughter is absolutely gorgeous!
Just goes to show there is definitely hope for firsttimedad and his wife, as hard as it may be now.
What an amazing person you are, you must really love your wife, she is very lucky. I hope you both get the help and support you need. Society places so much pressure on us to be superbonded super caring Mums and to scarifice our whole selves for our kids.
It took me a long time to really feel comfortable being a Mum, I felt so out of my depth for so long. I missed my old life terriably and struggled with the complete lack of control. I was so unprepared for the reality of parenthood.
I can't really describe how I feel about my daughter now, except to say I think that she is the most perfect thing in the world. I am now getting parts of my life back and am able to get out and do a few things too and that's made a world of difference. I does get better But its so hard to see that in the thick of things,
I saw a DVD the other day that showed a woman being supported thru the last stages of pregancy and birth by Maternal Mental Health in Auckland, so am sure that there's help there. There's no shame in asking for help, in my opinion it shows that someone is self aware and mature enough to look after themselves.
Thanks again everyone, especially Zasha and anyone who may have led her to this thread.
Zasha, do you ever wonder what might have happened if your baby hadn't been choking? Do you ever wonder if you'd have developed that bond you now have, if you hadn't needed to step in when you did? And don't worry about writing novels, please feel free to post up a storm! My wife doesn't want to hold the baby when it's born and we plan on putting it into day care pretty quickly as she can't bear the idea of being a full time carer.
There are some very direct parallels here with my wife, though I must confess that I'm not the same as the dad in your story. It's hard for me to see the child as a good thing when I see how miserable the pregnancy is making my wife. Everyone outside the situation seems so focused on the baby and what's best for it, and my wife's needs and feelings seem to be irrelevant or an afterthought for a lot of people (not those posting here, I just mean in general) which is a source of huge frustration and resentment for her. Her mum seems more concerned about how sad the situation is and how we have to be fair to the child and less concerned with my wife and how she feels, which doesn't help.
In many ways we are a lot better off than other new parent, we're financially stable, though the loss of her income will hurt a lot unless she goes back to work quickly, and our relationship has always been pretty stable. The pregnancy has placed a strain on it as I really can't help her that much with all she's going through, and I certainly can't take away her symptoms or make her feel better about the wight gain. She desperately wants help with things like her morning sickness and some other issues, and naturally looks to me for that, and when I can't provide it it makes her feel both alone and unsupported. I'm sure on some rational level she knows I'm doing what I can, and I've heard her say as much to other people in the past, but when she's sufferring, I'm the one she turns to and I can do little or nothing to take the problems away which is hard for us both but mainly her.
Like i said earlier, I'm hoping that things will get better after the birth, but I also dont want to put any pressure on her or bank on anything.
I've just taken a look at the thread you posted in earlier Zasha, and I can really relate - you sound a lot like my wife in a many ways. I REALLY think that threads like that should be stickied in this forum so they are easy to find, it takes a lot of guts to come on here, register and then post up a thread like that, but my god it's so good to read that other people suffer the same problems to greater or lesser degrees!
We planned this pregnancy, but once the reality set in and the morning sickness with it, everything started sliding down hill. I remember going to the doctor with my wife to get the pregnancy confirmed and the doc saying not too get too excited yet as there is a high chance of miscariage in first pregnancies. At the time I remember my wife saying it was hard not to be excited, and she seemed so optimistic.
Soon afterwards the sickness, exhaustion, restricted diet and prospect of weight gain set in, along with hormonal periods of bleakness and just plain misery, fear of PND and so on...and miscarriage was starting to look like more of a blessing than anything else. Hard to imagine that day in the doctors office was real with how things are now.
I'm not sure how this forum works exactly but I'm going to post a comment in the other thread which will hopefully bring it back up to the top so other people can find it again.
Again, thanks to everyone who's posted here, and if you have more to add or know anyone who can relate, please post again here. It's just so good to know others out there have been through or are currently going through much the same things.
Your experiences may not be exactly the same, but even if they aren't as extreme it's good to hear them. I know it sounds wierd, but bu the worse your experience the more I'd love to know about it.
Hey, Pregnancy for me sucks, I never bonded with my babies when pregnant and was surprised both times that a baby came out, I don't think my mind had really grasped the fact that there was a little human inside. I find it hard to "bond" with a baby until they start responding and playing, as such I much prefer my toddler to the baby, i do love the baby and care for it but DS1 is much more fun.
Anyway, I find the first couple of weeks really, really, really hard and your wife might too and though it might not really help the bonding process, you might want to consider getting a karitane nurse or something similar to help out, karitane Good luck with it all
firsttimedad - To be honest I don't really think about what would have happened if she hadn't stopped breathing, Yes the incident did make me feel something, and it did make me realise I did give damn, but I think my reaction was one more at a primal level, as humans, the large majority of us are programed with the natural instinct to protect and preserve life.
What I initially felt wasn't the bond that people talk about, I could have quite easily walked out of that hospital and left my baby in their care. For me the bond is taking it's time it's strengthing every day but I'm not completely there yet, but on the other hand, my baby has most certainly got a very strong connection to me, I can tell she loves me by the way she looks at me, the way she follows my movements around the room, the giggles and smiles that I get and no one else does, in her eyes I'm pretty much her everything. A love like that is something precious, rare and pure, it's hard to understand or even comprehend until you experience it.
With my case, I think the main reason why I failed to accept the pregnancy was due to the fact I had made my decision earlier in life that I wasn't going to have kids and had planned my life out accordingly, then I got pregnant, it was a shock, how could this happen to me, it wasn't something I wanted or the slightest bit prepaired for. I think the thing that hit me the hardest was the fact, I felt I never had a choice in the matter, as an adult we are use to been able to pic and choose if we don't like something we can always say no thats not for me and walk away, but once established pregnancy doesn't really have an out clause (unless you decide to terminate), you have no choice but to see it through to the end.
My partner found the whole ordeal extremely stressful, he hated seeing me like that, he felt so helpless and didn't know what to do to make me feel better, through it all he was hoping and praying that things would come together in the end. He never placed pressure on me or had high expectations, he took it one day at a time, and never gave up hope. Having gone through this experience together, I have gained a new respect for my partner, he stayed by my side through the termoil, when most would have walked away, he gave me strength when I needed it most.
If you have questions that you think I might be able to help you with please feel free to ask, if you don't feel comfortable asking in an open forum you can alway send me a PM.
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to you and your wife.
