Adoption

I can't speak for others, but I know for my BIL, they have adopted 2 beautiful children, but for them the issues were more that all the rights fell with the mother, and they have a long time to claim back the child should they wish, no questions asked. They never really relaxed till that time had passed and lived in a bit of fear with the first that the child would be taken from them which would be heart breaking for them.

Adoption in NZ is also difficult with the mother being encouraged to keep the child in most circumstances.

For me personally adoption was not something that I could even get my head around contemplating until all avenues of TTC our own offspring were totally exhausted. I think it is hard to say 'never' because you don't know how you will feel if you reach the end of the road of TTC your own biological child. But for us at the stage that we were at, it was our child - part of me and part of DH - that we wanted. I am not a particularly maternal person, I am not drawn to other people's children at all. I didn't just want a child, I wanted our child. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, as I hadn't totally ruled out adoption, as I said I just hadn't really considered it.

That was the bit I guessed but I didn't know about the scary "buy-back" option SB Thanks all!

I think adoption is a huge can of worms, one that I have seen from a few different angles.

I have two cousins who were adopted at birth as my uncle and aunt were unable to have children. Their son was born on the kitchen table at home to a teenage mother who's own mother had hidden her away to disguise the pregnancy. When he was two, my uncle and aunty found out that he was severely mentally and physically disabled and legally blind. They were offered the opportunity to "send him back" so to speak, which they refused. He is now the same age as me, unable to walk or speak and has undergone several surgeries on his back, not to mention the strain that his disabilities have put on his parents and his (adopted) sister. Yet they would never for a minute be without him, and are grateful for the opportunity to have had children at all.

A friend I went to school with adopted her son out at birth in 1998. He went to a great family down the line, was enrolled in kohanga and progressing well when at 18 mths old she went to court to have the adoption overturned. For reasons known only to the Gisborne Family Court they returned him to her custody. He is now 8 1/2, has been taken into CYFS care twice, and is developmentally and socially delayed. I once visited them to find him sleeping in a urine soaked bed, to which she replied she was "teaching him not to wet the bed". Her partner asked her once why she hits him and she said "because I can". My heart breaks for the family that had him as a baby and for all the promise he had.

My Dad's business partner was on the opposite side of the coin. He and his wife have been nable to have children and adopted a little girl. Her biological mother took her back when she was 12 weeks old. This was years ago, he is now, like my Dad, in his 50's and they are childless. They are the most lovely couple you could imagine and have so much to offer a child yet were so emotionally devastated by the failed adoption that they decided not to try again.

I don't know whether I could ever adopt, thankfully I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children and it is not something I have had to consider. But I guess all I can say is that sometimes all is not right with the world. Sometimes nice people get dealt the suckiest hand, and sometimes precious kids are in the crossfire. And in some situations adoption is the best option for all involved - the kids get to have a (hopefully - not saying that all adoptive families are neccessarily Mary Poppins) stable home, and the adoptive parents get the chance to experience parenthood.

*End rant.*

To be utterly and completely honest, I was a bit upset when I first read this thread that adoption was being likened to deception on the part of the parents who 'receive' the baby - I think it is far from that, although I acknowledge there are cases where the parents hide it from the child and this in turn causes hurt etc.

My parents were completely open with me, and when I was old enough to better get my head around the concept (5-6yo I think) they slowly introduced information about what it meant to be adopted, and I always knew I could talk to them about it and ask all the questions I wanted.

When I was old enough again in a legal sense, I was also allowed to begin the search for my biological parents (moreso the mother than the father), and while it was nerve wracking - finding her and getting to know her, it was ultimately proved that the right thing had been done in giving me up to a family that could not have babies naturally, and who cared for me a great deal.

If it were biologically impossible for DH and I to have another child I would consider adoption, I am very aware of what a difficult journey it could be, but would treat the child no different to Erin (my biological daughter).

I am very pro adoption, but as I said before I am very aware of what is involved in it both bureaucratically and emotionally, and there needs to be a great deal of support from friends and family - this is applicable to both sides of the coin, whether it be a couple adopting a child, or a mother giving one up.   

We had 2 mc's. We also found out that I had PCOS and might not fall pregnant that easy. And if we do we might have a really high risk of an mc. For a long time I couldnt fall pregnant.

We did look into adoption. Due to history in SA our family wouldnt accept a black baby in SA. So we had to look into China and Russia. Was really expensive. Plus one of us had to be 30. We were willing to do that and wait.

We even looked at surragocy where the child will be ours. But due to laws the incubator person can turn around and keep your child. It is not even genetically from her or anything.

I just couldnt deal with the fact of having that hope and that get taken away from you.

Having said that I would consider adoption and it is a likely possibility in the future if we cant concieve again.

I will however be really honest with the child and tell them although McKayla was born through my tummy that they are so special as they got born through my heart. I will never ever keep it a secret from them as that is their story of their life and their legacy.

Wow Nikki that would be very generous of you! (I don't mean that in a nasty way.)

And Jax I totally agree about the extended family needing to be supportive. After we married, my PILs fostered two children "indefinately" and it was definitely not the right children for their family as FIL was working long hours, MIL was fairly busy, and one of the kids was a 3-4yo boy with ADHD. DH and his brothers knew right away that it wasn't able to work indefinitely but by then it really was too late to do anything except ride it out. In the end the kids ended up in someone else's care 18 months later.

Just remebered The name of the adoption agency for adopting children from overseas countries is called Icanz

First Emma - the adoption overturned would have been a whangai adoption and not a legal one - or they had custody / guardianship only. An adoption doesnt get overturned like that. Trust me!

Also in NZ if anyone is considering adoption they need to be approved by CYFS - adoption unit - totally different to CYFS in the usual sense we hear about. THEN you can be approved to adopt via agencies overseas. DO not get heart set on a baby via an agency without going via CYFS and getting approval...i have seen the heartbreak where legal overseas adoptions are not approved by NZ when the agencies oveseas are not accredited. I know of one stuck in a country overseas in limbo with a bubs adopted when they ignored CYFS route and now cannot bring child home - and probably never will....very sad

We have a serius lack of bubs up for adoption in NZ - young mums are keeping their babies, whangai adoptions are popular - altho IMHO I dont know why as in Emmas example they can be overturned as they are not legal adoptions. Also a lot of people are now doing permanent placement long term / forstering...after being on adoption waiting lists etc this is often an easier option...it basically places a child with you (for life normally) and natural parents may see child 1 - 6 times a year and have no priority ....usually involves kids at high risk uplifted by cyfs. Gives the caregives custody and guardianship...and courts favour the caregivers big time....which is usually best for all concerned...but is not an adoption.

I do deal with adoptions...and it can be heartbreaking and rewarding! I also have a cousin in USA who was adopted from India as a baby, and my aunt is still involved with bringing kids over from there. A good friends sister in her 40's and her hubby adopted two children from Romania and one from Russia before the crackdown...

there are options but my best advice is get approved by CYFS or a permanent placement agency early on - and get on a waiting list...dont leave it as a last option...you may be too old if you do. Also I have three people i have dealt with who adopted and at adoption or soon after became pregnant themselves...and completed their families as a result...seems to relax once you have a child and for some whatever unexplained infertility was sitting there is overcome by welcoming and loving a child and they get pregnant...no promises but it does happen....

sorry for long post....

Edited by Bombshell

My mother is a superviser at Adoption Services - I could point people in that direction if anyone needs it.