Failure.

I just wanted to say I really understand what you are going through and feel for you.

I too had to give up breastfeeding when I didn't want to and certainly wasn't ready to. My son has reflux and was just constantly refusing to take the breast, arching, screaming in pain and hunger. I spent nights up with him trying desperately to get him to feed, and days in tears as he fought me more and more. It broke my heart when one day with absolutely no milk left I let my Mum give him a bottle of formula and he hungrily drank it then promptly fell asleep after not sleeping pretty much all of the night before. I remember being in tears shaking as I tried to feed him that night, as he refused once more, realising that this just wasn't going to work for either of us. For a long time I felt terrible about bottle feeding, wouldn't do it in front of everyone and felt the need to explain it away.

I think I was developing PND before that but might have been able to keep on top of it if it wasn't for the breastfeeding failing. I felt like I was failing my son, that I couldn't do the thing that was supposed to be so natural and healthy for him. I felt like he wouldnt be able to be healthy and I was disadvantaging him. And I felt so hurt that he refused to feed from me but would happily take a bottle, I felt surplus to requirements, like he no longer needed me, that any old person who could hold a bottle would do.

It was a really terrible time and Im very sorry you're going through it. I too have gone on anti depressants and just wanted to tell you that in time I have come to terms with this, I am a lot more ok with bottle feeding. It turns out my son has a dairy intolerance and is on neocate now, so it may have always failed for us. I realise now that a happy baby is most important and neither of us were happy at all during that time.

It really is so hard when things don't work out like you imagined and you feel like you're not doing the one thing nature intended. But just wanted to tell you you're not alone, and you will feel better. Im still on my journey to that but Im making my way. We can do this.

Hugs and hope you are doing ok

I would just like to say,that you are not a failure,you may not have managed to breastfeed,but a mum that goes through all that for her baby,even if she didn't get the result she wanted,is anything but a failure ,your daughter is lucky to have a mother as dedicated as you.

My friend couldn't breastfeed,she was gutted about it and felt so guilty for not being able to,I wish I had told her what a great job she had done for trying and that she was a great mum anyway because she was dead 2 weeks later,so Im telling you,you have not failed,even if you didn't win the battle,you have shown how determined you were for your daughter and that makes you a winner in my eyes