spiraling downward

I wasn't going to post this at all then thought that I should, it is rarely talked about and I guess my own reason for not wanting to post was being ashamed.

In a word, Jack is 3 weeks old and I am not coping. Prior to his arrival I was a girl that needed 9 to 10 hours sleep a night, so you can imagine how my body has reacted to the disrupted sleep of a newborn. The first 2 weeks were fine, then last week Jack would not settle, dh was out and after half an hour of his screaming I lost it and all I wanted to do was shake my precious son to make him stop. I didn't, but I did want to. This scared the life out of me and resulted in me joining in the crying, sitting on the couch, Jack perched on shoulder waiting for the husband to get home.

As soon as the husband walked through the door I asked him to take me to the doctor. While I didn't think I had PND, my reaction to Jack's crying scared me and I really felt I should tell someone (a professional) about it so it was off to the doctors office.

She actually wasn't surprised to see me at all. The birth experience I had was less than ideal, Jack got stuck and I had a c section, many would think big deal, but that is not where the story ends. Everything that could go wrong with the surgery did go wrong, the sterile field was crossed, instruments were dropped in side me during the process, Jack was stuck, one of the weights holding my tummy back came loose and flew back into me. I became incredibly high risk for infection. I think this is where the downward spiral began. I have had constant thoughts of what if, what if I had spent more time on all 4's so Jack wouldn't have been posterier, what if I hadn't had the epidural and continued using other methods of pain management that would also encourage Jack to turn, what if, what if, what if. Since then I have also found out that chances of me having a vbac are very slim and I would require a lot of monitoring given Jack was only 3kg and got soo stuck they have determined my pelvis is too small too deliver naturally, that said I think I will try next time.

Now I must admit, since coming home from hospital Jack has been pretty good, except for the evenings, where he will cluster feed for around 2 hours, normally not a problem but when mum is exhausted and Dad is still at work it was taking its toll. My doctor has not diagnosed me with PND at this stage but I got a referral to maternal mental health and on Monday I had a big chat with the crises team at the hospital who do all the pre assessment. We went through the issues I was having, the feelings of being a bad mum, the anxiety and the fact I can't sleep when he is as I constantly am listening to see if he is OK, and if he is quiet, I worry that something has happened. All of this they tell me is normal, however that hasn't helped the lack of sleep or ease any of my worries. In addition to that we have had financial stress, and hubby is self employed so although he tries to help as much as he can, from 9 till 5 I am on my own and as I am breast feeding I get very little breaks in the evening as Jack cluster feeds then.

Today 2 members of the crises team came to visit (unfortunately MMH can't take me till May). My big problem as they see it is sleep deprivation, and if I don't get on top of it, I will spiral down into a depression and will need medicating. So basically, I have caught it early, I was and am suffering from more than just the baby blues and thankfully realised that. At this stage a nurse will be coming for the next 3 nights so hubby and I can get some sleep. She will feed him through the night with expressed milk from me and I am to take a sleeping pill to make sure that I do sleep.

My problem now is, I feel like a bad mum because I can't do it on my own, feels a bit like a catch 22!

the reason for my post, to anyone else feeling down, not themselves, or has feelings of hurting their precious babies, ask for help, there is plenty out there

Ohhh Sarah...first of all i would like to say actually shout YOU ARE NOT A BAD MUM....i am so proud of you for realising that you need help.

I am so pleased that the doctor hasnt just blown you off and that thye have done something to help you...and im sure that after 3 nights of sleep you will feel like your old self again.

Please dont think you are a bad mum...you are doing a fantastic job, remember it is one of the hardest jobs in the world...and from everything i have heard MMC are fantastic...

Also we are always here for you and we will support you and not judge you.

Lots of love

Well done for putting your hand up for help!!!
Just by doing that, it shows how much of a great Mum you are!

I know this is going to sound silly, but it does get better. I lived with PND for nearly 4 years, was on medication for 3 of those. It is such an adjustment to having a wee bubs in the house. My major problem was that i thought I could "control" when he cried and didn't etc. I know that I will be at a higher risk of PND again when we get pg again.

Keep talking to your DH and the professionals that are helping.
Another tactic that i used was a notebook. Whenever i was upset, angry with Ethan, I would take out my frustrations on that book. There are a lot of swear words in it, and also me geing really frank about what I would like to do to him... I found it really helpful to just be able to dump all my thoughts and feelings in this book, just to get them out of my head.

Good luck with your journey.
Keep talking and communicating how you feel..
We are always here..

Sarah Beth, I think you are soo brave for seeking help!!!
You are NOT a bad Mum!!! You are doing a great job!!! And you shouldn't feel bad for not being able to do it on your own - we all need alittle help now and then.
As Kazzle said - we are all here for you and to support you!!!!
You are doing a fantastic job!!!!! And are a fantastic Mum!!!!!

Sarah beth, well done for speaking out so soon and getting help, you did by far the best thing doing that for you, Jack and hubby.
Believe me it will get better (this is true from someone who saw the rest of her life as a constant cycle of 3 hourly feeds taking 2 hours a peice) and you have made the first steps in making it better.
believe me you are not a bad mum, we were not designed to do this on our own, society has changed to the point that new mums are isolated and alone to cope with huge changes. make the most of the help overnight and the sleep, I know I did when I got the opportunity.
I was referred to maternal mental health 8 weeks ago and I am still waiting for my first contact, i have an excellent GP though and found a local counsellor to talk through my issues.
But first of all get some sleep!!!1

I am so sending big  your way. You are NOT a bad mummy for your thoughts. It is such a lilfe change for us and we all react in different ways.

I too also suffered PND, I caught it early but still was too deep to stop without medication. I was under MMH in Auckland, they were fantastic. There is also Barnadoes (SP?) who have services for parents with PND. Also as above the Plunket Family services are great for helping out, they have nurses and mums that can look after bubs for you. I never got their help as I was too ashamed to ask. Please don't be like me and seek as much help as possible.

My best advise is to talk about it. that is what helped me. Take care and remember you and bubs are number 1!

amy wrote: There is also Barnadoes (SP?) who have services for parents with PND. Also as above the Plunket Family services are great for helping out, they have nurses and mums that can look after bubs for you.

Didn't know that! Wish I had!! Will keep in mind if PND happens next time. Thanks!

I agree with what the girls have said you are a great mum, purely for the fact that you knew straight away that you needed help and went out there and got it, what the unit is doing for you by providing help in the evenings is awesome.

I'm really proud of you Sarah, the fact that you went out and accepted the help that has been offered to you.
I hope you sleep well over the next few nights.

Being a mum isn't all it's cracked up to be, but man the rewards you get definitely outweigh the bad moments. Very soon you will be at that point where everything will fall into place and you'll be a pro before you know it.

Sleep well!

Hiya SarahBeth, I so feel for you right now! I am also someone who loves a good night's sleep and the first couple of weeks are definitely tough when it comes to that. I've learned to take naps during the day where possible, because quite honestly 3pm is only halfway through the feedings for the day. The cluster feeding is good, but really tiring. Try to eat good foods at night time (like yoghurt), it will keep up your energy and fatten up the milk for Jack If you can feed lying down, that can be a great help too.

In the meantime, I have bumped two threads for you that I think will really encourage you. They are "It ain't easy" and "Trying too hard?". Big hugs! IMO it gets a lot easier after 6 weeks. The feeding settles down a bit and Jack will start smiling at you!

I hadn't known all those details about your birth, what a horrible experience! Big hugs to you

Big hugs hun

You are not a bad mum - I think those first few weeks are a shock to the system for any new mum. I don't think anyone understands the meaning of sleep depravation until they've cared 24/7 for a newborn. Good on you for seeking help - it requires so much courage to admit the job as a mum is too tough to handle (I have my gran helping me - would not have managed without her)