How do you cope?

Everyone reacts differently to infertility. I actually think it was harder on DH than it was on me.

For me it was about having a plan in place. Knowing when were were going to start IVF helped - it took the pressure off. I also adopted the view that there were always options - and until told otherwise, we would have our family some day; it would just take longer for us.

Its hard to do, but I just stopped thinking about it. I stopped monitoring my cycles, stopped wondering when my period would come each month - and just let things happen as they may. We can often focus on things too much that are out of our control. We did everything we could do to improve our lifestyle - but in reason - we still needed to live.

Our first round of IVF didnt work, but we had one egg in the freezer. I prepared my self that this one wouldn't work either and that we would need another round of IVF. Lucky for us that wasnt the case. But if you mentally prepare yourself for the worst case, then stop trying to control it, it can help.

Hope things work out for you.

Hey Lady Bee

DH and I have been trying for a year, had one private IVF which didnt work and are now on the public waiting list.
Sometimes it feels really tough, like after the IVF failed and we had no frosties, it was the saddest time of my life I think...I would just burst into tears as soon as I was left alone (get in the car to drive home from work or when I step through the front door and the house is quiet...or when I get into the shower), I would just test DH to say I couldn't stop crying and he'd try to come home a bit earlier and just sit and hold me.
Usually one of us is down while the other is trying to stay positive and pull out the other half from this depressing sadness.
The way my DH copes is by having a bit of a plan in place...like he knows that we still have a shot at having a public IVF sometime within the next 12-18 months, and he knows that if we can't wait this long we might be able to fit another private cycle before then, we are both going to acupuncture, so that helps to relax and feel like we're doing something good for our health and mind too! And we've been put on a diet by a naturopath and given herbs to take, we've been doing this for 7 weeks now and I feel the last 3 or so weeks is where I have relaxed the most...because there are all these things we are doing to get our bodies ready for another IVF round or maybe even a natural pregnancy (which would be an awesome miracle! Never stop hoping for that).
The way I cope is all of the above plus reading a LOT of articles online + library books + iTunes podcasts on fertility and natural/alternative therapies so that I keep learning all these new things that have helped other people and try to incorporate them into our lives too. I really couldn't just leave it up to the 'doctors' to tell us what to do and when....I need to feel like I am taking control of my own health and my own fate, so learning all these things helps me with that. However, I've gone a bit OTT and it has become overwhelming - reading so much advice, which varies a lot from one specialist from another and sometimes I feel I can't implement ALL these things and start stressing about it....I found that my mind was ALWAYS busy thinking about TTC and fertility, my acupuncturist told me to let go, find a hobby that would take my mind off things, find enjoyment in other things.....ha, easier said than done, but it really did hit home, I really felt that I was making myself more stressed by getting all this info (I get about 4-5 daily emails/newsletters in my inbox from various fertility websites, just don't have time to read it all!!). So I am trying to let go a little...if I don't finish a library book, i return it and just make a note that I might like to take it out again a little later... and I stopped listening to the podcasts EVERY DAY (used to listen while walking to and from work), and I'm not trying to calculate in my mind WHEN we'll be able to do another IVF...we used to plant o do it in June, then July, now I just want to focus on the diet and herbs and relaxing my mind...then one we've been on the diet for 3 months get DH retested (we have MFI) and depending on the result we'll think of what next - whether to give IVF another shot as hopefully by then we'll be in a much better state health wise due to all the things we've been doing so far - or whether we continue with the diet etc for longer ..maybe until finally public list comes up?

It really sucks...we are also not a couple who sits around and mopes, try to do stuff in the house and garden, and drive out to new places and cafes etc...but nothing ever takes your mind off TTC completely, and deep down I always keep asking myself, is it worth trying all these things and waiting or should we just go back into IVF right now - what if it works!?

Don't know if it gives you any ideas or helps in any way...just thought I'd share my story :)

I do find coming here very supportive...as I see every day that I'm not alone and so many of us are going through similar trouble.
Our parents and another close couple know about our TTC but I don't find it very supportive, they seem to avoid the topic, I think people find it hard to know what to say/ask, so even though they care and support us they are not likely to bring up this topic in a conversation...so really the only place I can be open about it is here...

I think having a plan is a great idea. Having an idea of when things will happen is what keeps me sane, its just when that gets changed by the clinic. I am a planner too, and DP is a "let the universe take care of us" person. Not always a great mix sometimes (but I guess we balance each other out)
You can kind of think, 'oh well, next year we could be doing ivf, but if I get and stay pg/IUI's work, we can always come off that list'. My advice is yes, get the ball rolling for ivf, as it IS such a long wait, and the wait is frustrating as hell when it is all that you're waiting for.

For me, I found blogging and reading blogs within the ALI community really helped. There's an immense amount of support out there. I suppose there probably is on this board too, depends what you are into (I like blogs as I tend to ramble and feel hyper-aware that my posts on forums are wayyyyyyy long, whereas it feels more appropriate on my blog!)

My family know whats going on, because of the miscarriages, I had told them I was pg on the 2nd 1 as I really thought it was going to work out. My mum and sister and auntie and sometimes my (female) cousin talk about it and are supportive. dad and brother never mention it and it might as well not all be happening for all you get from them. I'm not going to generalise and say it a 'male' thing because you can't lump one gender into one response. I would say it depends on your family. If they have a propensity for support and helping you through the roughstuff, go for it. If they are not 'feelings' people or don't tend to think about what they say, maybe hold off for a bit? The last thing you want to hear after mc or prolonged infertility is one of those stupid cliches!

Good luck and enjoy your overseas trip

I told a few girl friends who I knew would be good to talk to about it - so my 3 best friends know. And I told my parents. My mum is another one that is good to talk to - but you need a good relationship in place with them first I think.
I made DH tell his parents. They knew we were trying to have a baby, and I didn't think it was fair that we told my parents and that they had no idea what was going on. They live on the other side of the world - and have never asked me about it. I also emailed my SIL - I dont have any siblings and I knew I could trust her. It was important for me to keep them in the loop.

Another reason I wanted to tell the people closest to me is so I stopped getting the 'you must be ready to have a baby soon' or comments like that. I can handle it from people who didn't know we needed IVF, but it really bugged me coming from my best friends. At least once they knew we needed IVF they stopped assuming every time I had the flu I was pregnant!

My parents and in-laws are similar to how you describe SunshineWife but about my miscarriage. They all know about it because we told them I was pregnant so we had to un-tell them and they have never mentioned it since or asked whether or not I am going to try again. It's like the elephant in the room so I have definitely learnt from that experience. I would rather be open and honest about it but it's like they are tip-toeing around me and I know that's just the way they have always been with difficult things. I think a lot of it is generational - they have come from a generation where you just don't talk about private stuff, but also part of it is to do with our relationships with them. We tend to just talk about on the surface type things although we get on really well.

I like talking to my friends about it all though, especially the ones who have been through it or are going through it. As you say they know exactly what to ask or not ask.

What a question.... "how do you cope?".
Honestly, I have no idea.... I've been reading all the responses and I think that they all help.
My story is a little different... DH and I have a little girl who is almost 1 1/2. She is Profoundly handicapped, with a rare chromosome syndrome... She was conceived naturally 3rd month of trying. I just cant believe our horrid luck that after trying for number two for nearly a year including 3 rounds of Clomid.... still nothing! It hurts so badly every time AF arrives... there is a part of me that feels so so so broken, I hold on to the hope that having another baby may just heal me just that little bit! I can't wait to hold a baby that recognises me and responds to interaction.

I know my situation is different... but I have found that heart break is the same in all languages... and being able to share and listen to all of you helps so much.

How do I cope? I read your stories and feel less alone in this journey.