Advice needed.

I know I haven't been on here in aaaaages but something as come up that I'm really wrestling with.

Mikey is 6 now, and is a really happy, well adjusted wee man.
His father (who is now living in Australia) has had very little contact with him, he had Mikey for the weekend last February and then had a wee 5 minute Skype chat on Mikey's birthday in November. Other than that, and paying his child support, he hasn't really had anything to do with his son.
I have always sent him regular updates by email with photos attached and let him know what has been going on in Mikey's life.
A couple of months ago he mentioned that he would like Mikey to go over to Australia to visit him because his girlfriend's Mum is due to go over to visit and she would like to take Mikey over with her, and lately he has been asking a bit more about it and I feel like I need to make a decision.
The thing is, I'm really torn. On the one hand, I think it would be a great thing for Mikey to be able to spend more time with his Dad, I don't want to deny them the chance to have a real relationship, on the other hand, it is so far away and I have never been away from Mikey for that long (he wants him for at least a week, would prefer 2). Also, the relationship between his father and me was never good and to be honest, I don't completely trust him so maybe that is clouding my judgement and making me cling a bit tighter to my son.

So what are your thoughts? Am I being an overprotective Mum?

Edited by ellabellame

Wow, thank you! I had never thought of that. We've never really sorted anything out, we broke up when Mikey was 2 and I've had him fulltime ever since with no regular visitation from his father.
But you're right, I guess he could just keep him over there couldn't he because nothing is in writing.

I'd only be comfortable with that if I went with as well (paying for own flights and own accommodation but at least close by).

Personally (and this might just be because I am a suspicious person and my ex once threatened to take DD and not give her back) I would not let Mikey go. Once your ex has Mikey and his passport how do you know you will get him back? They could disappear....stranger things have happened. Also, what are his motives for suddenly wanting to spend a week or two with him....a visit a year ago and a skype 3 months ago doesn't sound like he was that bothered before IMO.

Also, I agree with your husband that your ex really needs to have more regular contact before a longer visit. I know that if I were 6 I wouldnt be that keen on going to visit someone I barely remember for 1 - 2 weeks, in a different country far away from my mum. The idea of seeing his Dad might be fairly attractive but the reality is probably a reasonable amount of homesickness I would guess? I seperated from my ex when my DD was 11 months and I am still not comfortable with him taking her away for a holiday and my ex has regular contact with DD. One or two nights is quite different from a week or two.

Good luck with your decision.

Think u have made the right decision 4 mikey. My father lived 30 min away and we didnt see him 4 5 yrs and suddenly wanted to see us - was werid and uncomfortable and i was 14. You are a good mum 4 looking at it from all angles. :)

ellabellame wrote: I haven't talked to Mikey about it because I know that he would be so excited and really want to go. I've always made sure to talk to him about his father in a really positive way and he knows that he gets really good presents from him, so he would think that going to visit him would be the best thing ever, it's just me that feels uncomfortable with it. My husband isn't keen on the idea either, he would like my ex to have a bit more regular contact and build a proper relationship with Mikey before we would feel comfortable sending him over for a visit. The idea of me going over there with him is a good idea but unfortunately it's not within our budget, especially as I would have to take my daughter as well.

Hi, sorry last reply, as just saw your other thoughts, :) You say cannot travel etc... yes trust your own gut. Also your husband would had more input. Good for you to know then "your own concerns may be valid ones to you", for good reasons you know best.

I am in a similar situation with my boys dad living in Australia, and he sees them once every 3 - 6 months.

In your situation I would definitely NOT let your son go. My six year old would NOT cope with that situation at all, and he's only been away from his dad for 2.5 years...

All the best :)

Thanks for all the great advice, everyone. I wrote an email to him explaining my reasons why I wasn't comfortable with it. I made sure to keep it extra civil and basically said that I'm sure he understands because at the end of the day we both have Mikey's best interests at heart.
I also asked him when his next holidays from work are and if he'd be willing to come to NZ to see Mikey, because I really don't want to feel like I'm keeping them from having a proper relationship and I would feel a lot more comfortable with them spending time together on home turf.

Definitely a good move. Good luck :)

I agree, I think it sounds like you handled it really well in your email. Also interested to know how it goes :)

On another note (sorry to ask on here!) Fi - do you know what happened to the October 2008 babies thread? Sad to see it looks like it has disappeared :(