Anxious.

I don't know how else to describe it. Just Anxious. This knawing ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me feel tight in the chest and really irritable. I've been like this all afternoon and I can't for the life of me put my finger on what triggered it.
I've had my meds changed once and upped twice in the past 6 months to try and combat the anxiety and after the last increase a couple of weeks ago I thought I had it nailed but today it's back with a vengeance.
I guess I have this scepticism about the meds from the start coz I can't stop thinking that the anxiety is a conscious state and because of my negative trains of thought, in which case how can medication fix that? It can't stop me thinking
The OCD thing is kind of under control, I have my moments and I still have certain things I *have* to do in a certain order or a certain way but I have relaxed a little and it doesn't spin me out as much as it used to when little things happen like the microwave reminder beeps.
As for the PTSD thing, it's still there lurking under the surface somewhere, my psychiatrist is 'gently nudging' me towards seeing a psychologist to try and work thru some of the issues associated with that but at the moment I'm not ready. I'm still having flashbacks and certain smells trigger me to feel almost nauseous.
Not sure what it is about today that is making me feel particularly bad. AF is here, and I've had some nasty and rather bad clotting that makes me think I should probably have a scan or a smear or both.
Mum and Dad are having money troubles. Dad's latest business venture is teetering precariously between securing a new investor and flopping completely which will mean they've lost $2.5mil, and they won't know till the end of the month, and another guy my Dad was in business with owes him $150k so things are tight there and I feel awful, and they pay Maya's preschool and my medical insurance so I feel like I'm contributing to their problems in a way, altho compared to my brother and sister who live their and constantly have their hands out I'm at the bottom of the responsibility pile.
Mercedes is having grommets put in tomorrow. More worried about having to get up at 6am than the actual surgery, it's so minor and should make a huge difference to her mood having the pain gone.
Blah. Big long ramble vent. Just needed to get all that down in one place so I can compartmentalise it and make it go away. Should ring the psychiatrist, he's going to want to know that the meds aren't working so well. But he wants me to do a blood test to check the levels of drugs in my system and I haven't done that yet
Don't really expect anyone to read this, let alone make sense of it, just processing all this stuff for myself.

Well I made it to the end of your book Sorry these feeling have surfaced again. . You have so many things going on at the mo,..not matter how u try and down grade how they effect you (like the sugery not being a big deal), they will all be taking their toll.
Make a list,...prioritise! ( Yeah I can hear you saying "listen to your own advise women!"). You need to look after yourself!
Can u go have your blood test while Mercedes is in surgery tomorrow? and make the ph call to your white coat while she is in there too! ( Yes Mum!LOL!) You know that u need help with the PTSD stuff,...so make the physch appt!!! You will feel relief just knowing u will get help with it soon,...it wont happen if u dont start somewhere!

Remember,..thoughts are not facts!

Kellz wrote: Well I made it to the end of your book Sorry these feeling have surfaced again. . You have so many things going on at the mo,..not matter how u try and down grade how they effect you (like the sugery not being a big deal), they will all be taking their toll. Make a list,...prioritise! ( Yeah I can hear you saying "listen to your own advise women!"). You need to look after yourself! Can u go have your blood test while Mercedes is in surgery tomorrow? and make the ph call to your white coat while she is in there too! ( Yes Mum!LOL!) You know that u need help with the PTSD stuff,...so make the physch appt!!! You will feel relief just knowing u will get help with it soon,...it wont happen if u dont start somewhere! Remember,..thoughts are not facts!

Ha ha, I might have known all my good advice would come back to bite me in the ass Good idea about the blood test tho, I probably can get it done at the hospital while I wait for Mercedes, and I really do need to get it done.

Just don't get sick of each other next week LOL!

Teehee, look out Palmy, the crazy ladies are coming

Not to mention the 4 girls too!!

 Emma, everything everyone else has said and glad to hear you are GOING  to get that blood test tomorrow to make sure your meds are at the theapeutic level yet. I hope Mercedes surgery goes well. Im just waiting for my Mercedes' surgery to come around.

I agree with Becks, Those horrible thoughts in your gut, i know them too well, it usually co-incides/pre-ceeds with a major burn-out happening.   Hope things get sorted with the bloods and the meds and the surgery.

And i'm sure us palmy ladies can handle you both.

1.04am Mel?!

   
i'm no good at advice but i do give great hugs!