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surfergirl 
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Location: Christchurch
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 Topic: What’s appropriate?
Posted: 20 August 2008 at 1:37pm |
I have just heard the most heartbreaking news. A friend of mine has just given birth to her much longed for (IVF) and anticipated baby girl, but she was stillborn.
What can I do? What is OK? Flowers? Cooked Meals?
I also know the sister v. well and would like to do something for her.
What a sad, sad time. 
Big hugs to all of you who have been affected by this awful situation too! 
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ginger
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Location: New Zealand
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 1:49pm |
Oh how completely awful!
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Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00
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EmDee
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 1:59pm |
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MrsMojo
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 2:05pm |
Oh, how awful for your friend.
When my sister lost her baby (mc later in pregnancy) I didn't want to buy her flowers only to have them die so instead we bought her a rose bush to plant in memory of her little girl and I found a gorgeous card with words much more comforting than I could articulate.
I'm sure cooked meals, buying groceries, running errand etc would be welcome too, I can't imagine she'll be in the mood to do much of anything for awhile.
Maybe for the sister a bunch of flowers to let her know you're thinking of her and are aware that she is affected by this too.
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mummy_becks
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:07pm |
Oh, how awful for all.
It is a shame that Annie is away at the moment, as her BFF had a SB in 2004. Personally I think am plant would be better as flowers do die.
If you can get into their place even doing mundan stuff like the dishes, washing etc would help.
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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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Andie
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:20pm |
Oh my gosh, what a heartbreaking situation!
I'd say definitely do dinners - they won't be up to taking care of themselves for a while, so it'll be nice if their friends do some of that. Something for the baby as well, maybe? As in, an appropriate ornament or memento for them to remember baby with?
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Andie
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Peanut
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:33pm |
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Also if they have a child already yu could get some stuff together like DVD's, colouring books etc so that they are semi occupied to allow for grieving.
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Anna
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:22pm |
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That is the most devastating news. How tragic.
I like what Andie said. Def dinners and such, help them out by doing the small stuff, letting them grieve.
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Anna
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GGsMum
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Posted: 22 August 2008 at 1:51pm |
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Big hugs from me. I lost my daughter in January this year at 26 weeks. Everyone is different with managing their grief, but one thing I found comforting was to be able to talk to people when I was ready. Without them offering their opinions. All I wanted to do after the funeral was talk about her, some people were willing to listen, some were not. If you are in a position to be able to listen, that is the best thing you can offer the family, emotional support. Cooked dinners is a good idea too, we never had that, but DH does all the cooking and it kept him occupied. But just making yourself available as a friend will be enough.
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Maya
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Posted: 24 August 2008 at 1:49pm |
Big hugs to your friend Surfergirl
I agree with the others re: plants being better than flowers coz flowers do die, but so do plants so maybe something more long lasting like an ornament or a frame to put a pic of their wee babe in, or even a nice treasure box for keepsakes.
I also agree re: cooked meals, maybe some baking. But the best thing you can do is just be there when she needs you, which might not neccessarily be right now, she might need you more later down the track when she starts to process things a bit more, but knowing she has friends who are there for her will help.
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surfergirl
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Posted: 24 August 2008 at 5:43pm |
Thanks everyone for your responses.
The funeral was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I just wanted to howl. Everyone was soooo sad, and the men crying just ripped my heart.
The family seems to be doing well. They are getting great strength from each other.
I am planning on taking round some baking after the first 'influx' of support tappers off. They have a lot already, so I'm just offering friendship now.
The sister was v. happy to have some flowers and a card.
What an awful time!
Once again, massive hugs to those of you for whom this has been a personal journey.
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LukesMum
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Posted: 26 August 2008 at 9:17pm |
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Hi Surfer Girl,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friends loss. My sister lost her baby girl last year, she was still born after being a week overdue and it has been the hardest year. We were pregnant together and my baby boy was due just 7 weeks later.
The only advice I can give you for your friend is to be there, perhaps not now, they're still learning to cope with their baby not being around, but after the funeral the support tends to wane, and that's when they need you most. Don't be scared to talk about their baby if she wants to - tears are an important part of the healing process.. I was worried about what to say to my sister, but realised, I couldn't make her feel any sadder than what she already was, I could only help her talk about things.
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you..
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What’s appropriate?
