*sigh*

I don't know what to title this. I guess I need to vent

Today is meant to be our wedding anniversary and we picked up Jareds ashes. Daniel was a little sh*t when we went and did that and screamed and tantrumed the whole time. DH went to work after we got home and Daniel continued to scream and tantrum for a further 2 hours and refused to eat dinner. Nothing would shut him up and I found myself getting quite angry. It's not like me I usually have the patience of a saint with him as one of my friends puts it. I feel really guilty about that.

I'm sick of being asked how am I.. why do people have to ask us that really? If I say I'm not that good then they say sorry and don't know what to say to me. If I say I'm fine they look at me as though I'm lying. So why bother asking? I never know how to answer that.

Why do people have expectations of us? my mw askes everytime shes here if we are going to do anything with the photos of him. I've been asked so many times when we are going to have a service. Why can't they just let me be and if we decide to do that then we will tell them.

Why do all the health professionals who see us keep harping on about when we get pregnant again? I mean wtf, does no one believe us when we say we don't know if we will ever want to try again. Things just go from good to bad to bloody awful with us. I'd hate to think what is next install for us if we did try again. First I'd stress like hell until 6-7 weeks to see if its an ectopic then I'd stress further until 12 weeks to see if its survived and then stress until 16 weeks when we would be offered an additional scan which can be inconclusive so more stress until 20 weeks, all the while having hideous morning sickness the entire time. No thanks

My house is a freaking pigsty, we have no clean dishes, there's a mountain of washing, daniels books and toys are everywhere and I have zero motivation to do anything about it. I have no motivation for cooking and eating so I generally just go without. So I feel guilty about that.

I know people really do mean well when they talk to me but I'm sick of everything at the moment.

Stacey. I don't blame you for feeling the way you are. I really hope things start to get better soon and that you have some good people around you for support. Thinking of you and your family .

Edited by Leish

Yep OB is brilliant for venting

Are you guys getting much practical help, like with dishes and washing and meals? Is there anyone you could get to help you out a bit? It's no wonder you don't have the energy or motivation to do that right now.

I can't imagine what you're going through as a family. It sucks and I wish no-one had to go through this sort of thing, ever.

Hun you have every right to be feeling this way.  It sounds like people are pressuring you to make decisions NOW when you don't have to.  Gosh if I was were you I'd be pretty frank to those people and tell them where to go.  Your MW for one doesn't sound like she's very supportive and would probably be better just leaving you alone.  And the answer to people who ask how you are is "I can't answer that question".  It's only early days and people shouldn't expect answers from you especially in regard to having another baby.  They need to let you grieve Jared.  And take as long as you need to do that.  We are here for you.

Stacey, you do what you what when you want.
Don't you let anyone tell you, you should be soing this, you should be feeling that.
Don't worry about the house work, all that can wait.

Can I ask do you have Jared @ home with you at the moment? If so you take as much time with your little boy as you need to.

Daniel is more than likely feeling a bit off as well, he would know something is not right with Mummy so cut yourself some slack, you are doing the best you can.

With the photo question that people are asking you, make sure you take your time with them, if / when you are ready to show people or put them up then you will but that is such a personal thing.

When we lost our daughter my Dad flew over and I wanted her photos up straight away, Dad hung them and that was his special job. I also hated the questions, no-one knows what you are going through unless you have been through it yourself.

My heart goes out to you Stacey. Just take as much time as you need. Iam sure your wee Jared was just beautiful & if you do ever feel like sharing I would love to see a photo of him.
Remember do things in your own time & stop beating yourself up.

Didn't want to read and run, so am sending you many

It is okay to feel the way you do, especially at a time like this. Try and be kind to yourself, and take your time to grieve..

Happy Anniversary

Another one here who didn't want to read and run - although I honestly don't know what to say - just am here if you need to vent... OB is always here and no one is here to judge.

hugs to you all (cause you never can get enough of vertual hugs - if not the real thing)

I didn't want to read and run either Stacey.

I think you are amazingly brave and a real inspiration to us all.    Don't worry about Daniel. You are a fantastic Mum, and he is not going to be permanently damaged if you lose your temper with him occassionally.

Just wanted to give you a massive and say that I hope tomorrow is a little bit easier.
Oh, and let Mummybecks do the dishes

Vent away

I'd kind of like to run away for a bit but we can't afford to and realistically neither of us can be bothered with driving to get somewhere and then entertain daniel without bucket loads of toys.

maudie - we never bought Jared home with us, neither of us could do that. We have his ashes though.

As for practical stuff MIL cleaned our house the day I was induced but I don't much feel like having someone cleaning up my house when I'm around. I feel bad for not moving my ass and them doing what I should have done and then I can't be bothered with chit chat