I’m not coping...

I am feeling like the worlds worst mum at the moment and I hope no one will judge me for what I am about to write but I need to work out whats going on with me.

A wee bit of history, I have had a slight history of depression when I was a teenager which I was on anti-d's for... This involved me having huge emotional breakdowns, low self-esteem, and a few other things.

When I was pregnant I was always aware of the fact it would possibly be easier for me to get PND, and vowed I would look out for the signs. Since having DD I have noticed signs but always put them off as other things because I have things that I feel contradict them. Some examples of how I am feeling

I feel numb, sometimes sitting at home by myself but as soon as I am with friends, or at work (I had to go back 1 day a week when DD was 9 weeks old) I am my normal happy chirpy self.

I find myself getting frustrated and angry because DD barely sleeps during the day and most of the time when she is awake she is grumpy and screaming. I find myself screaming myself when she wont settle no matter what I do and then feeling like the worst person in the world, I have a couple of times actually yelled at her to stop it, and even now typing about this the guilt of this is overwhelming, I know I would never physically hurt my little girl but aren't I just as bad for yelling at her! I feel that I can't claim this as being a sign of PND because DD also sleeps 12 hours a night so maybe I am just a person with a bad temper?

I find myself thinking that maybe its all my fault that DD isn't sleeping during the day and maybe I just am not a good enough mum to see the signs that she is tired, or that I am putting her into bed when she isn't ready and maybe I was just not ready to be a mum, This isn't helped much by the fact my closest mummy friends baby who is 10 weeks older than DD sleeps perfectly and is never upset, crying, grumpy or anything. I feel completely inferior as a mother to her and in fact any of my friends who have babies.

Sometimes I feel like DD would be better off if it was just her and DF because he seems to have no issues with her on the days he looks after her when I am working, I don't feel I am a good enough mum to her basically all the time. But then of course when she is in a good mood and happy I love playing with her and enjoy all my time with her! I'm not saying that every time she is grumpy or upset that I lose it, I can cope with it some days, just some days it completely overwhelms me and I find myself having those breakdowns again. Antoher reason I wonder if it is PND or not? Should I be feeling overwhelmed 24/7 if it is...

Okay I think I have rambled enough and Im not sure I have got everything across I wanted to but I'm not sure what steps to take next, Also if I wanted to see the Dr about this, am I going to need to pay for my doctors visit? I know it will be important to go to the dr but at $70 for a drs visit for me it is pretty steep!

I had PND after I had Janaya, I was fine when DH was around or if friends were over but the moment they were gone I went downhill again.. It wasn't there all the time either. The worst time for me was bedtime, she was a right b*gger to get off to sleep at night, and with DH working nights I would spend the entire night trying to get her to go to sleep, as well as dinner, dishes, bath etc all on my own. The turning point for me was when I rung the plunketline, complaining I could still hear her screaming even though I was outside :S

I just wonder if perhaps Lexie is picking up on your stress?

Lexiesmumma wrote: I also want to add, because I'm not sure if it is clear, but I love my daughter to pieces,

Just wanted to add that this is very very clear from all your posts, even the one above. You are a great mum, hun. Lexie is a lucky girl, even if you can't see that right now

I wouldn't at all be surprised if she is picking up on my stress, I do feel stressed when I am trying to get her to sleep when she is clearly tired and she just wont, or she is screaming for some other reason and I don't know what it is or how to "fix" her.

Becky, I am working Saturdays I would love for you to come and visit, But I also know you have it tough with your DD's reflux too so only come if it isn't going to put you out or make things harder for you hun!

I am FF so it probably is a good idea to look at going to the drs and seeing about what they can do for me, I do wonder if the fact that I had to switch to FF at only 3 weeks because of my supply is contributing to this aswell.

I do just want whats best for her but at the moment am feeling like I am not able to give this to her

You know what babe ? for something that is meant to be the most rewarding , most wonderful , best job in the world , sometimes being a parent really sucks arse , and it does not make you a terrible person , or a terrible parent if you think that sometimes you would rather not do it .
Many evenings I sit and think "my god, I must be THE worst mum ever ! Im lazy , quick tempered, spend far too much time on the computer, I give in to C too easily , I get frustrated when Ty doesn't follow the rule book etc etc "
But I try , I do try , might not always be trying my best, but I try and do what I can , its just sometimes, the idea of being responsible for people is overwhelming .
I think trying, is all anyone can do , trying , and asking for help, which is the first thing you've done , which is a scary thing to do , and you should be proud of yourself , its never easy to ask for help, especially from your peers , that to me shows Lexie has a mum who would walk through fire for her .
And I bet just reading that , you thought "yeah , I would "because I tell you , not once from your post did I get the feeling you don't love your girl , I got the feeling that you love her so much , and so desperately , that it almost scares you ,and it can be hard to understand how we can love someone so completly and without fail , yet not like them some days too , don't worry , you aren't weird , your human .
Im not tyring to say your issues are easily resolved, I think you realise yourself that you are going to need additional help to get ontop of this , but I want you to know that you are not a bad parent chick ,you are just human , like all parents .
Remember this too , noone is born a mum , thats a life journey that never really ends, I've been a mum for 8 years,and im still learning things everyday .

Hugs hun , good on you for being honest , to us and to yourself , I hope you find a good understanding dr and start to feel a bit better

Edited by caitlynsmygirl

aww bex **big hugs**
Im glad my post made you feel a bit better babe !

Lexiesmumma wrote: You gave me tears in my eyes and for a change they were good tears, thanks hun I really appreciate it!

It made me cry too and it wasn't even for me!

But! Big Hugs Bex, I have a lot of those feelings too, so you're not alone.   Being a mum is the hardest thing I've ever done!   Your wee girl is so beautiful and cheeky looking! I bet she'll grow up and be so proud to have such a loving mummy!

I totallly agree with Caitlyns Mum, and I totally connect with how you are feeling. I have moments like that , days even, and its such hard work
Im not a professional so I have no idea if this is PND or not, but I think its fantastic that you are keeping your self safe by asking the question of am I ok, I did the same in the ealy days and just by identifying that there was somewhere or someone I could turn to made me feel less burdened.
Being a mum is the hardest job in the world for sure, arent we lucky they are so beautiful and we love them so much, but you know what an even better thing is, that they feel the same and they love you back so unconditionally that if you need to take a moment to look after you, then thats ok hun.

Big hugs sweetie, as you well know the hard bits are at the beginning
x

Well I found out today that the doctors is now only $34 for me because i am finally funded!! So if I need to I will go next week after the plunket nurse :D

Hiya - I am being monitored for PND at the moment, and have a history of depression, so I understand you're not wanting to go down that road. I am a bit borderline at the moment, but have been trying to prevent it by taking care of myself - not just staying at home all the time with baby, and going to counselling.

The fact that you are feeling overwhelmed - you said 24/7 raises alarm bells to me. I think that sounds like it could be - but see your Dr as soon as you can. From what I've read, it's better to get on to it early.

Plunket have been seeing me more often to monitor it and made some helpful suggestions. I hope the Dr and Plunket will help you - sounds like you're onto it with that plan.

Whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Just find professional help, get some more support (take time out), and people you can talk to. Take care of yourself!