get this off my chest

I've been pondering recently all the things that went 'wrong' with my introduction to parenthood.  I'd been very ill with M.E. right throughout my pregnancy, so was already off work and only taking on little tiny boring jobs here and there.  Looking back on Ella's birth I regret not having any drugs, given how reluctant she was to come out.  My whole family arrived in the delivery suite when my MW ducked out, and I still had blood over the place and was still shaking with shock.  DH took the day of her birth off work, and I spent the first 2 nights in the hospital feeling alone and terrified with only complete strangers to call on for help, and a baby who wouldn't sleep... she had cat-naps only.  The IL's arrived at the ward and the first thing I heard was "look you're having another baby!" as FIL pointed at my stomach... and once home, no-one lifted a finger to lend a hand.  I kid you not, both our families live in town and they'd visit to have a cuddle of the baby while I made them a coffee, and that was it.  Even my mum would come by in a fragile state and have a little moment herself then leave (grandad had just died 2 days before Ella was born - Ella was 10 days overdue and people had still tried to talk me into driving 6 hours to the funeral! ).  DH, who was of course back at work, did the cooking for the first 3 months, bless him, but man, I needed people to drop by and lend a hand as I was keeping the house running myself and sooo wasn't up to it.  A friend bought dinner over one night, and I appreciated it so much, though I do have to admit that I wonder where our other friends were!  Happy to do the 'meet & greet' coffee thing

Ella fed for hours on end, and cried a great deal, but cuddling her was no comfort to her.  After being told to persevere and let her do her 5-hour feeds each evening, she eventually stopped after a month, and swung to the other extreme of thoroughly disliking BM, so wanting to feed because she was hungry, but pushing the breast away at the same time.  Of course, she had reflux, and she and I both needed to change our clothes around 8 times a day.  Then there was her anaphylaxis to formula and so began my launch into being one of 'those' allergy mums (I sooo didn't 'get it' when I heard people lamenting over it until it happened here!  I underestimated how dangerous allergies in kids can be).  And I'll admit that while I've got my head around this allergy thing now, it is still very hard at times - I'm yet to see some of the people who are very important in her life understand the importance of giving her no milk products at all.  And with the anaphylaxis came the end of my baby being able to poop, so apart from truckloads of meds for that I also had to give her enema's every 2nd day, or she physically couldn't do it.  She was in awful pain, and bled each time she tried .  She got constant ear infections and only one bladder infection had her staying in the children's ward, and followed up with more charmingly unpleasant tests. 

And the food battles, well hallelujah we're past the worst of it!  But when your girl is bone-skinny and still won't eat anything on offer, you get desperate, and for months there I had to syringe her puree's into her and watch her spit half of it out and accidentally swallow the rest!   DH and I both dreaded feeding her, and she hated it too.  Speaking of DH, as lovely as he is, he was barely there... and we were renovating which is another rant alltogether!   We went on our only family 'holiday for the sake of holidaying' when Ella was 9mths and I'd broken down and couldn't properly function anymore.  During that holiday, Ella weaned herself and those BFing battles finally ended - that made a big difference. 

So, to sum it all up, I've told myself that finding that 1st year so freakin hard was all because it was hard... until I reached a point where I had to admit that I was unable to enjoy my newborn & to a smaller extent, my baby - there were moments where I just felt a great deal of love for her, but honestly, that also felt like something of an effort to feel that way too.  She is a lovely child, and I can see really clearly now that it was my life (not my child) that I was unhappy with, and unhappy to the extent that I should have damn well talked to someone about it, but I didn't, because I thought I'd tough it out... which I did, but looking back that was the long (and silly) way to go about things.  Since fessing to DH, mum and a friend (thanks! ) how hard I found it all, a weight's been lifted from me and I feel like the threat of this all happening all over again next time we have a baby is less terrifying, because now it's not a secret, it doesn't have a good serving of power over me.  I hadn't intentionally held my struggles as a secret, lord knows I'd whinged about them in a certain Oct thread on here where the ladies are particularly supportive!  But I hadn't admitted to myself that things weren't right... I was too chicken to go there.  Now that I do really enjoy my toddler I can see the stark contrast that it was to that first year.  Instead of my heart sinking when she wakes up from her nap (like it used to), I'm glad to see her smiling face as she jumps on her bed yelling "socks gone, GONE" ('cause she pulls them off & hides them as soon as she wakes). 

Wow you have had to go through so much - what an amazingly strong person you are.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

Hugs. I'm literally in tears reading this. In tears for you and in tears as although our stories are slightly different, they are the same. I hear you :) You're an amazing person.

He he... ah, they are cute at this age, eh.  Ella cracks me up every day with a new little game she's made up. 

Thing is, I did used to feel quite justified in finding that first year such hard slog.  But that didn't do me any favours, because I didn't suck it up and put my hand up for help when I needed it.  Ah, hindsight. 

 to you too, Fiona.  I hear ya! 

Hindsight is a lovely thing isn't it.

Next time around at least you will know to ask us for help, and we are here to help you and you know that.

Thou I do totally admire you with what you had to put up with Ella's allergies.

you've had a rough start andie and it's ok to say so. ella is such a gorgeous wee charmer, if not a little 'high maintenance' but most of those oct lot are/were!

here's hoping things will be alot smoother for the next one..

Far out, I honestly think that you are SuperWoman after reading that! Good on you for sharing and coming to terms with it. I didn't really enjoy Chloe at all for the first few months but starting to now, thank goodness... and she didn't have nearly as many issues as your wee one.

I think you are an amazing Mum

Hi Deb, sorry u are having a rough time. Im sure there are lots of us who can relate to all those feelings you discribed,..I know I certainly can. Yes it does feel like a lonely job/life when u are feeling really down,..but I have found you need to let people know how u are feeling and to ask for help, telling people exactly what it is you want them to do. I know that can be extremely hard to do,..and its only hindsight that has taught me that thats is the only way you are really gonna get the kind of help you need.
You could contact plunket and see if they have a coffee group or even a pnd support group that you could join,...I know having social contact with other Mums has really helped me,...but it can also be really hard when u feel anxious, and worried what others are thinking when your baby cries etc.
My phycologist said to me yesterday when I was saying that Im often scared to go places, and avoid taking Isla to the supermarket for example cos Im so embarrassed about what others must be thinking of me when she plays up,..and he said "when u see a child crying or having a truntrum, what do you think/ Do you think that that person is a terrible perent?' No of course not, thats what kids do,...so its most likely no-one is thinking bad things about you when your baby cries!
Welome to Oh baby! There are sooo many wonderful people here, and I have been lucky enough to meet many in real life too. Im sure if there are ladies in your area on here, they would love to meet up with you. There are regular group meetups going on in lots of places already. Check out the 'mums meet up' section.

Hi debsaid (cute nickname, lady!), and WELCOME to this site!  I've found tons of help and support on here for so much of my life as a parent... it's been a godsend!  Good on you for nosing around on here - it's nice to have you join in our geeking community     Sounds like life is a bit of a black hole right now... is your Doc much help with the PND?  If you've gone and talked to them already then you're braver than I was with a 4 1/2 month old and feeling miserable.  The whole first year of parenthood taught me a whopping big lesson about how hard it is to find, ask for, and accept help, but it's a smart move to do so.  I've promised myself I'll do that next time!