Need help - am at wits end

Its toby.

He screams...all the time. screams when he wants something, then screams he doesnt want it. screams when i speak to him sometimes, screams when i tell him to go to the toilet. Today he asked for a biscuit, i let him choose from the jar but after he got it decided he didnt want it so broke it up and threw it on the floor. then screamed about it. hes screaming now cause i gave him a bowl with raisins in but he didnt want them so threw threw on the floor, i vacuumed them up and now he is screaming that he wants raisins. he screams and cries from the moment he gets up till he has gone to bed - ok maybe thats a slight exageration but it feels like it.
It has got to the point where i sometimes dont trust myself to touch him for fear i will really hurt him!      i feel i have been living in hell these last three years.
My mother has suggested i walk away from him, i have previously put him in his room ... but wondered if any of you had any ideas that i havent considered perphaps, any and all considered.

Thanks....

Edited by Bizzy

Oh your poor hon, we have days like this and it drives me mental. I can't imagine every day.

When DD1 does this, DH has started taking her into another room, putting both his arms around her to hold her still (like a hug, sitting her on his knee, not hard just keeping her still and close to him) and counting 'One, calm down; Two, calm down; Three, calm down' in a firm but calm voice. She has started counting with him and it seems to work so far.

Good luck!

oh yeah hes just turned three!!!!

Aw Deb. No suggestions just hugs xoxoxo

OMG jayne, thats just like toby... if i dare to get the spoon for him he throws it back in the drawer so he can get it out himself. this morning he threw rice bubbles all over the table and floor cause i gave him too much and tried to put some back in the box!!!

That's what we had with Ayja not too long ago just after she turned 3 - it was like someone flicked a switch on her 3rd birthday and turned her into a monster!!!!

We did just walk away - there's only so far you can go with negotiating before it gets silly. If there is something they need to do, or stop doing, there is only a small amount of lee-way. With wanting things then changing their mind and you take them away and she scream - we used time out, or we actually during those couple of weeks - put her in her room, with the door closed (often would have to hold it closed) for a few minutes, I would reopen the door at 4 mins, get down to her level, ask her is she would come and talk to me, if she still screamed at me - door was closed again for another few minutes, again the same thing, when she finally would come and talk to me it had to be without screaming/yelling/hitting, she had to stand up nicely to be at eye level with me, and we would talk - ie "do you know why you got put in here?" and mostly she knew very well why she was in there, and knew that it was not appropriate behaviour, she would have to apologise to me, and apologise to whoever else was involved - ie if she'd screamed at her sister or dad. Any mess she made she would have to come back and clean up - ie anything she'd thrown on the floor - or any toys she messed up in her tantruming, would have to be sorted out before she could go back to what she was doing, we would be there beside her "helping" her in a small way - but the work was hers to do, we just sat with her while she did it.

She would want to do everything herself - ie they'd fight cos one would be nice and get the other's lipgloss out after toothbrush time, or cos one had gotten out the other's spoon for them. I had to teach and remind them that when someone helps you you say "thank-you" you don't go and put it back and scream at them so you can do it yourself. - that too took alot of time and constant reminding for both of them.

We also found huge indecision about things - ie wanting something then not wanting it, then they do again. When she decided she didn't want something - we would remind her that if we took it away that was it, and that we would throw it away once it was taken away - so was she sure that she really didn't want it as nothing else was on offer. If she still said she didn't want it - it was taken away and thrown out. If she tantrumed we reminded her that it was HER decision that SHE made. And would have no more of her behaviour - if it escalated - back into the time out in her room.

Was hell - seriously. I thought it would never end - but somehow it did. There were many days where it was constant battles over every single thing - i think i did post on here in desperation at one point. - There was even one night after a particularly nasty battle about the bath - where she was naked for around an hour due to clothes battles - she'd been nasty to her sister in the bath so we had warned her that she'd be taken out if any thing else happened - which it did. So out she got, which started it. She then annoyed me so much and was yelling at me whilst i was drying her, so i told her she could wait, since she was being nasty to me that daddy would now do it instead. more tantrum. She then said she wanted to dress herself - yep that's fine we said, she then sat there forever screaming that she "couldn't do it!!" (she can.... she does all the time)   She didn't want help when we did offer it, yet still yelled at us that she couldn't get herself dressed. We walked away, continued getting Paris sorted and playing after that, and ignored her. After an hour or so, she finally got herself dressed and asked if she could come and play - to which she was made to apologise to me and mike - and to Paris before she could join in.

Sometimes when they are really being unreasonable about the smallest little things - it really is a matter of holding your ground and waiting for them to realise that their silly behaviour is not getting them anywhere... sometimes unfrotunately - that takes a fair amount of time.

Good luck Debs huge hugs

Edited by mum2paris

thanks guys. i think the hardest thing is that sometimes i (and suppose others too) feel alone and and that our child is the only one. When i hear these stories and can definitley see the same behaviour in toby it really helps...

amber, your post made me cry, i have so been there.. except the boys havent told me they hate me - yet!

Toby had a mega tanty this morning but i stopped the one over breakfast by saying "no you will have the breakfast that i am making and that is it, if you dont want it you dont get any. Now sit at the table". and they both did and ate what i gave them, whereas normally toby will fight about the bowl, what he is having, how he has it... etc...   

It must be a boy thing (apart from Ayja ). Andrew is just like Toby and Bailey. Wonder if we can pack them off to a bootcamp