Too young or just OTT?

Hi ladies. My little man is almost 1 (on saturday!) and being a neurotic first time mum, I havent spent a night away from him yet. I work, so I dont have a problem being away from him during the day. The problem is, his dad wants him to start spending time overnight with him and Im freaking out! I think he is too young, but am I just being OTT?

I have concerns for his safety even when he spends a few hours there and I cant talk to his dad about them, he thinks im just being a b#*%ch. For eg he came home the other day in his rear facing carseat, that was FORWARD FACING with no tether strap! He also gets fed things he his allergic too, has come home sunburnt and there are no safety gates etc at the house. I worry when he goes for a few hours, so if he is there overnight I would be a mess.

Any ideas would be much appreciated.

He's not too young at all, but the other aspects aren't good. I've got around the carseat issue by saying that by LAW they have to be RF until 1 year or 12kg, whichever is LATER (and conveniently, they are just under 12kg, as ex wanted to turn them FF at 8kg which is when the seat manual said it could be FF). As for feeding him food that he is allergic to - can you sit down with him and talk about this kind of thing. Not accusing at all, or anything like that, but things like - this is a list of food that DS is allergic to, just so that he isn't accidentally fed it at mealtimes, or for the sunscreen issue - maybe give him some and suggest that you've noticed it's getting warmer lately and so you thought it would be a good idea to start putting sunscreen on DS regularly etc. You always get the worst reaction when you accuse someone, or blame them, which is why I just keep it general now - "I have noticed the girls are getting itchy bites lately so I've been putting insect repellant on them, do you need some as well?".

As for safety gates etc - there are none at my house, or the ex's, but the girls have rarely come to harm. I have a large deck which runs the length of the house and is almost 1m high - both girls have fallen off once (and were fine!!!!) but now stay well away from the edge, although they still run up and down it. They've also learnt that they HAVE to go down the stairs, they can'y just jump off and I lead by example by ALWAYS going down the steps, never picking them up off the side of the deck etc. We have been in this house since they were just 1 (I moved here 6 days after their 1st birthday), so learnt to walk etc here, so I think it's a pretty good track record The ex's parents (where he has the girls) has a large mezzanine floor, plus steps down to a basement of sorts, and they have covered the hole that they could fall down (this was a 3m+ drop though) but otherwise they are still in the workshop etc. and haven't had any accidents yet - touch wood.

I should add, even with putting sunscreen on the girls yesterday, and re-applying, they still managed to get sunburnt The girls also spend each weekend with their dad, either 2 or 3 nights, and it has improved their bond immeasurably, even though his mum does most of the caring for them.

Meant to add that I got around the sunscreen issue by buying some and an extra hat and giving them to the ex for DD to use at his house. I just told him we had been given an extra hat and I'd accidentally brought extra sunscreen and I thought he could use them. He just accepted it and has at least put a hat on her when she is outside. It helps that I let DD pick out the hat when I brought it and she loves wearing it

Thanks for the advice ladies. I think I will try and talk to him and failing that will write it in a letter. I really try not to accuse him but I cant help it when it comes to DSs health and safety,

He left when DS was 8 months old and not really eating alot becuase of his allergies so he isnt very familiar with him eating and drinking lots of water. I give him plenty of snacks and tell him what he can eat for lunch. I ended up buying DS another carseat (cosco) that his dad can keep in his car. Ill have to read the manual and make sure its installed correctly for peace of mind.

He also fed DS rusks that I gave him when he was 6 months old, before we knew about his allergies. I knew he had eaten something that didnt agree with him, because he broke out in a rash. He was like, well you used to feed them to him so why cant I? Ummm, because hes allergic to half the ingredients in them! And he is almost 1, so he needs more that the baby food suitable for 4 months+.

Oh, he does my head in! I just want to protect my little man and I just wish he thought along the same lines.

I won't have my son (who is 14mo) stay the night at his dad's because he currently lives with his mother and sister who are active alcoholics (in denial and it is my opinion that they are and he agrees) and there is a lot of chaos and shouting that goes down there. If I could trust my ex to take him away if the situation turned nasty like that, then maybe - but he doesn't and I don't want my son in that environment.

I don't think they're too young but there's the issue of when you separated and how settled your little one is. I think my son could handle it now but maybe not a few months ago so just use your intuition and what you feel is best for him. Certainly if you have a few worries, negotiate them and say that you're happy for him to stay the night on the basis that he is cared for in a way you feel happy with and bring up the issues you've raised here.

It's hard to talk to ex's so easier said than done I know!

Bizzy is a legal access agreement decided upon through lawyers thru "legally separating"? My counsellor mentioned it to me briefly recently and it was news to me!

We have a seperation agreement which includes custody. At the moment he has access whenever he wants at our place, and can have DS with him for 1/2 a day a week. In reality, I give him alot more than that and it ends up being a minimum of 1 day, but more often than not 2 days.