SMBC - Single Mother By Choice

I think your decision is brave and totally understandable. However, I think it is extremely important for children to have a strong male role model in their lives - it doesn't have to be 'Dad', it can be an Uncle/Grandfather/family friend. I just think men can offer something different to a child.

My Mum was a SMBC.
She had three kids me and two older brothers,
My dad was a drunk! and she made the decision to tell him where to go as she didnt want him influencing our lives...

We got given the option to see our dad but the three of us declined... I sometimes see him at the local shops off his face drunk but just ignore him!

She had a very good mum (my nana) who passed away 9 years ago, she would look after us while my mum worked two jobs to give us everything that she didnt have growing up as she came from a family of 13.

Since being able to work I have helped my mum with anything I possibly can, little treats here and there whether its to get her hair done etc... she doesn't like it but I soon put her in her place...

Shes just gone 60 and has some lady issues after having her tubes tied, and her rent has just gone up so me and DH have just purchased a house with a studio/granny flat out the back where she will move in and live there..

She also currently looks after my DD while I work full time and cant wait the arrival of her grandson in August!

So good on you chocco, its not easy but as My mum says she wouldn't change it for the world!

Yoda your mum sounds like shes a pretty amazing woman!

Choco, I fully understand and support your position.
I was in a similar situation, in that I had no partner and in my mid 30's had decided that if I hadnt found a partner in a year I would look at a donor, then I met someone I thought was a long term partner and got pregnant. Unfortunately things werent to be, and in reality A's dad plays no more part in his life than a sperm donor would.
I am now considering my options as I would love another child by the time Im 40, and would definately look at a donor this time round. it would be so much less hassle than all the stuff i've had to put up with from A's dad. I need to get myself financially more stable though and that is my immediate goal. I know that plenty of people will say I'm selfish if I do have another baby, but it's something that is very important to me, and why should I miss out just because no man wants to be with me. I'm sick of dating losers, so would rather be alone. I have friends that are single mums and the general consensus is that you dont need a dad in their life, just some male role model such as grandfather or uncle.

unfortunately getting a donor can be the hard part. alot of the clinic donors don't wish to donate to single women, they prefer to donate to couples (both hetrosexual and homosexual). the wait in auckland is about 2-3 years for a clinic donor, unless you are like me and find your own.

i found my donor online at a site which has many people with different fertility issues (if anyone wants the website just PM me)

having found my donor they have counselling (with their partner/wife) and so do I, plus testing and storage fees, then I had 4 x unmedicated IUI cycles (cost $850 each), so all up to get pregnant it has cost me about $10000. That said i now 'own' sperm which is sitting in the 'bank' if I choose to have another child. the benefits of through the clinic is that with IUI the sperm is putting right in the line of where the egg releases so you have at least the same or sometimes a higher chance of pregnancy than having sex.

understandably that is not something everyone can afford (i sold my house to help finance myself).

the alternative is to find a donor and do at home insemination - although would highly recommend doing some counselling first and get testing on both sides.

i did try this myself however found getting a reliable donor (who could 'provide' the goods at short notice was difficult and often they were wanting to donate so they could be a parent), so a legal agreement stating there will be no sex and that the donor has no rights to the child is really important to get done prior to at home insemination

hope that helps :)

Nathansmummy the two friends of mine did it the free way, one the old fashioned way and the other did it the DIY way

Hi there,

I'm a single mother by choice (well will be at the end of August!) and yes it's scary & a really hard choice to make..

I am now 43yrs old and have been thinking about going ahead since I was 35yrs old.. Though I did try to find the right bloke, nothing seemed to work out, so 2 years ago I contacted the Fertility clinic in Welly and have been through the process, eventually with it all working out with IVF..

I am stoked, though I know it will be tough, but I believe that kids born to Mothers by choice have a great foundation, as they are truly wanted & very much become the whole of their Mum's life and many of us are older and have a huge amount of life experience to draw from.

I have had a career which has been long hours and just never matched with getting into the right relationship. Yup, it may be selfish to go ahead on my own, but that is my right & as long as I bring up my girl to the best of my capability with the support of all those around me I think that she will be just great!

Well done for going ahead & yes I would love it if there was more of a network for those of us who have made this very, very difficult life changing decision here in NZ..

I say good on you!

I do think it is important for kids to have some sort of male figure in their lives. To look up to and for a different perspective on things (if that makes sense).

I'm not a single mama but my mum was, although she was with my dad for about 1 year after I was born and they split. I always had my granddad growing up so always assumed he was my 'dad' if that makes sense. That's how I viewed him.

Like someone said, kids don't miss what they never had!

Wishing you all the best!

I thought I'd share my donor story which is a little different. I bought sperm online through one of the big donor clinics in Denmark, which is as easy as buying a toaster on ebay. The only requirement is that it ships to a clinic/medical practitioner and not a private address.

I'm not sure how the laws work in nz but in australia I understand that in certain states, including Canberra, they will allow insemination by foreign sperm, so if you can't ship to nz one option for nz women could be to fly to Australia.

In my case I was going to be in europe anyway, so I chose to go instead to a clinic run by midwives in Denmark who specialize in donor insem. The clinic is called Diers Klinik, and there are several others in Denmark. They see a lot of single and lesbian women there and are incredibly open, friendly and were really genuinely excited for me. I had such a nice experience with them, plus spent a few days exploring a pretty Danish town.

It's sad that in nz there seems to be a strong bias against single women receiving donor sperm. But, ladies, the good news is that if you can find a way to Denmark, the process is much easier and cheaper than you might think.

Hi ladies,

I'm popping up this post on behalf of Emma Keeling who's a reporter for 20/20. She would love to talk to women who've decided to be a single mother by choice. You may be looking for a donor, be pregnant or already have a little nipper of your own. Either way, she's keen to talk to you with a view to doing a story for the show.

If you wish to, please drop her a line at emma.keeling@tvnz.co.nz or phone her direct 09-916-7086/021-555-305

Cheers, Rochelle.