major postnatal depression

Hey all mummas,
Im writing this blog for all the mums out there that are finding it hard to cope,that there is real people outh there that feel just like you do and there is help! If you are just going to frown on me and make stupid comments please dont read on.

I am sitting here tonight wondering if im ever gonna feel normal agen and if i will ever stop taking medication...
I thought i was the only one who felt this way...i got diagnosed with major post natal depression 6 months ago,i admitted myself into hospital as i was having panick attacks,couldnt sleep or eat,i lost 10 kgs in 2 weeks and the thought of eating made me cringe,i thought my partner and son hated me and i couldnt love my son.
I was in ward 21 for 6 weeks and during that time i just wanted to die...i was put on alot of medication morning,lunch and night

morning -150 mgs of venlafaxin
1mg of lorazepam
lunchtime -75 mgs venlafaxin
night 1mg lorazepam
200 mgs- quitiepen
45 mgs of mirtazipene
7.5 mgs of zoplicone

I have slowly cut myself down on my lunch and night meds but it is very hard to not think i dont need them because some days now i feel so bad like i was when i was admitted,i lash out,cant bebothered with my son,have no energy,i can have a full 8 hours sleep and just feel like ive never slept,how is this even possible?
like many people...i use to think "how can she be depressed,just snap out of it" yea right those are just words...i have had "friends" tell me to snap out of it,people laugh and judge me and at times i feel embarrassed but i have just accepted this is how it is and i cant just take this black shadow away.

It all started after i had my son,30 hrs in labor...I looked at my son like he was a creature,i just thought that was normal to feel that way but as weeks passed by all i wanted to dO was stay in bed..but after a while i stopped sleeping,my body was in major shock and everytime id try go to sleep i would end up bursting into tears,i was terrified i was going to loose it,i couldnt cope with myself and i couldnt look after my son,i got family help and i admitted myself into the ward after a doctors visit telling him i just wanted to be shot..this is just exactly how it felt,i was numb..after the 6 weeks in hospital i still didnt feel right but i just sucked it up and knew noone could help me but myself,so i started my own business from home,beauty therapy as i studied when i was pregnant..this has helped me alot,its given me a reason to want to start my day,my passion & dream as i have a strong empathy to make other people feel happy.

I hope it helps you to know i am in a very simlilar boat to you,all though i dont have 3,4,5,6 children i am blessed with a beautiful content little man and its me who has the problem.

If you ever need someone to talk to i am always here,i struggle to tell ANYONE how i feel coz id rather paint a pretty picture than look or feel depressed.

Emma xx

Thanks Emma for sharing your story. I want to reply, to perhaps provide you with some hope and also to share my story with any others out there who may be feeling a similar way.

I was one of those people who didn’t listen too much to the ‘post natal depression’ talk at ante-natal classes. I loved life, was an optimist and a high achiever – ‘that only happens to sad, depressed people’. As I found out, not the case. When my daughter was 7 weeks I started having trouble sleeping. A few weeks later I started having panic attacks and felt anxious for no reason much of the time. I felt I was losing it and was terrified of being left alone with my daughter as I felt unable to care for her. I also felt numb towards her and didn’t feel any love.

Soon after I came to the realisation that I had post natal depression and so saw my GP who then referred me to maternal mental health. I was determined to do things the natural way and so I visited a naturopath and acupuncturist where I started treatment and a herbal supplement regime. A week later I spiralled further and so hesitantly started medication. I also started seeing a psychologist. Within a few weeks I was feeling my old self again. I have been feeling great for 3 months now and intend coming off my medication in another 3 months’ time. In the meantime I have continued with the herbs and acupuncture which I have found deeply relaxing. I hope to try for another baby next year.

My support worker told me that she loved working in maternal mental health because ‘everyone got better’ and she enjoyed watching the positive outcomes. Whilst I was in the midst of all this, I truly believed that I’d never feel better again and this was the way things were going to be now. For those experiencing similar suffering, it doesn’t have to be this way. Things WILL get better, and receiving help will accelerate that process. I can look back now and say I am grateful I went through this experience – I like to think it has made me a better person. You are not alone, it’s just that many people put a brave face on the exterior. You can be well again.
Emma I'm here for you too if you need someone to talk to. Thanks again for sharing.
xx

Hey, dear really thanks for sharing this, I am presently going through postnatal depression and sometimes it becomes, so unbearable that I don't understand what to do but hoping this tips will definitely help me out.