My husband has PND

Funny you put this post up as I have a feeling that mine does as well. And was going to ask for some help as well. Will be intersested to hear as well please.

Having been there, i can honestly say it sucks. Mike spiralled into a deep depression after i had Ayja, It got so bad at one point I had a moment where i thought to myself that i really didn't want to leave him with the girls.   

His manifested itself in terms of not coping, not wanting to have anything to do with Ayja, not hold her not do anything with her.. not helped by the fact that she was one of those babies that just screamed constantly... after paris being a great sleeper, (and being a nice girl for him screaming all day for ME while he was at work..), and him and paris having such a huge bond, it sucked, it hurt me to know, because he regularly said.. that he didn't feel anything for her, he didn't think he loved her.

I think what did help, was talking, and helping him through it by relating things back to the exact same way i had felt after having paris, I didn't force Ayja onto him, but did encourage them to be together when she was in a good state. I reminded him that i needed time with Paris by myself too, and hhhm I am not sure what else. We got through it because we talked, we always talk, he hates that i can tell when something's up, even after the "what's wrong" "nothing" "it's not nothing there's something wrong" " no it's nothing" talk.. it would always be something, always.

They have grown together ever so slowly, I don't think it helped that she was a very difficult child, she wouldn't take the bottle for the longest time so it was me or nothing (made it difficult when on placements) it all made it very clear that he was feeling like "what on earth have we done?!" he had been worried about having a second and hadn't felt he could open his heart to another.

He now tells me that he is pretty muchon par with her now.. although there will always be that bond with Paris more.. i think that's because he HAD to take over and take care of things when I had PND bad after having her. And that's fine, because i can say that my bond with Ayja is stronger. As Ayja has gotten older, she's a heck of a lot of fun too, and she's a bit more out there than paris is which i think has made him and her bond more.. he had no choice, she has pushed thing there by just loving her daddy so darn much.

Be there for him, keep lines of communication open as possible, let him know he can tell you how he's feeling and dont' go off at him if he says something like he doesn't love baby or whatever.. That's how PND makes you feel.. horrible to think of but seriously.. it makes you numb like looking out a black hazy window. You feel nothing.

Don't push bub on him but do give opportunities for positive time together when baby isn't going crazy screaming nuts, give him chances to do things for baby when it's settled.. play with bub, do the bath etc, cuddle after feeds, or do household stuff if he can't do baby stuff. try and get time away for just the two of you so he remembers that well, baby hasn't ruined things, spend that time doing fun things, movies, dinner, even just going for a drive to the lookout and watching the sun go down and just talking about life.. not the kids, just other stuff. You need to foster the good to help drown out the bad.

For you.. get support from friends, family etc, seeing a counsellor for both of you works well, it's hard to be the grown-up in this situation, i think i only coped by remembering that this is what he had done for me all those months when i would go through the day doing the bare minimum of feeding changing and getting paris to sleep.. he did it for me so i owed it to him to pick up the pieces after having ayja.

Mood swings are hard ones to handle.. the quiet times you just darn well want them to get up and do something!! "get over it already gggrr" kinda thing, but that' doesn't help, gentle encouragement, but not nagging works, give him time out just like you need and let him know that YOU need that time out too. angry times.. tell him to go out.. do out see mates, go outside and tinker on the car.. whatever is his hobby or his outlet.. send him off to do it. Make it clear that yes, he can have his bad days, we all do, but it's not ok to be there and around you and baby in that state.. so he needs to go out and come back when he's calmed down. again, hard not to.. but don't hold it against him.. it's sometimes far easier to cope by yourself with a difficualt kid if they're having a grizzly day etc, that it is to cope with the kid and the grotter of a hubby, plus it's a safety thing for both you and baby too.

I dunno if any of that helped. But i hope it's helpful to know that well, mikes' wonderfulwith the girls, does pretty much everything for them, has fun, is the silly fun dad i always knew he was.. he just took a bit of adjusting to get there.




Edited by mum2paris

Hi guys, interesting topic! Just wondering what the "signs" are?? I am starting to worry that my DH could be heading down this road with our number 2...

Sounds a lot like what Peter is doing/going through at the moment. The temper thing strikes a nerve because that is Peter to a "t" - although he hasn't been as bad as now for ages - I have definitely noticed that flaring up heaps again. We talked last night and I told him my "fears" of not loving the 2nd one as much and Joey not coping (which I think are normal thoughts to be having?) and he agreed that he was feeling the same. He also often makes commetns about how having this new baby will "take away" his free time ie playing on the computer in the evenings etc. and how he can't believe we "have to" go through it all again
The biggest thing that worries me is that he HASN't EVEN TOLD any of his friends back in Germany that I am pregnant!!!!!! I am due in 10 weeks, that's not normal is it?

So what can I do? Do I just keep an eye on it? He thinks I am overreacting but I'm not sure.

Thanks for all the info Janine.

Good that he is getting help. Hugs Hope you are doing ok?

I'm sure with good support you'll both be fine
Don't forget to look after you too.

Beck huge huge hugs to you, it's hard as heck andyep definatley watch yourself cos it's all too easy to feel like you're going down with the shiop so to speak because you're trying to be everything to everyone and keeps things going and be support to him and all that too.   I hope it all gets sorted and the meds help.
If ya want someone to talk to that's been on both sides chuck me a PM anytime.

*&

Edited by catrad