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EmDee 
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Location: Waikato
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 Topic: Feeling fragile
Posted: 17 November 2010 at 8:04am |
Today I feel like I may break. The tears are right there and in fact have already broken through a couple of times. It’s been over the stupidest things; Ollie pushing his drink too close to me, Lilia saying something in a whiney voice - for goodness sake, they are children!!! They do stuff like that; they don’t deserve me to snap at them! I then see them get upset, which makes me feel like a useless mum and then I start crying which I don’t want them to see so run away to my room. That in turn makes me feel selfish, why should I be allowed to cry yet I get annoyed when they do it?
Gah!
I know I need help. I know I need to get myself to my GP and say something. I did actually go last week, but I was too chicken to say the words. Instead, I asked to get my iron levels checked because I felt tired all the time. At the time I justified it by thinking that it could be my iron levels making me feel tired, unmotivated and well just ‘blah’. My test results came back all normal. My Dr also got heaps of other things checked (B12, thyroid, blood sugar etc) and EVERYTHING came back normal.
I really need to go and get the kids ready so we can take Ollie to Kindy. I would be happy just to keep him at home today but if I don’t take him to kindy then I probably won’t get out of the house and I know I HAVE to get out of the house. I just really felt I had to get this out.
Thanks for listening. 
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DS 8
DD 6
DS 4
DD 2
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amme_eilyk
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Location: Feilding
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Posted: 17 November 2010 at 12:17pm |
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Big hugs from me Daphne. It is awful to be feeling that way. Is there any chance of you being able to get someone to take the kids from you, so you can have some you time as that may make you feel a bit better. If you arent ready to talk to someone face-to-face would talking to someone over the phone help? The depression helpline is 0800111757. I think you can also online chat with them if that is better for you. www.depression.org.nz is quite a good website with some things that may help and good information.
If you ever want to talk feel free to pm me.
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girly_girl
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Posted: 17 November 2010 at 1:51pm |
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Daphne, hugs from me too. I'm in Hamilton so if you need me, just hollah ok sunshine? I know you don't know me, but I understand. If you don't want or feel you can't get to the doctor, can you get to the family centre? Its on Radnor St up the hill by Waterford. Maureen will take brilliant care of you and the kids - its where I go every single time. I can come with you if you don't feel you can go on your own.
Please add me to your phone and call anytime:
Claire
0274222198
Thinking of you!
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EmDee
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Location: Waikato
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Posted: 17 November 2010 at 3:51pm |
Thank you ladies  It means so much to have some support.
I've sort of told my DH that I think I may have PND. He is an absolute love, but I also know that he is unsure what to do. I'm going to make an appointment with my GP and get DH to come along with me (so I can't chicken out!). I've been feeling really down for months now, and I think I'm at the point where I need to admit it and do something about it. It's really no good to carry on like this and I really don't want to feel like this anymore.
Thanks for the website! I've had a quick look at it and I think that after the kids are in bed DH & I can sit down and use the website to initiate some discussion. I hate talking about myself, so hopefully this will be a good way to start.
Thank you again 
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DS 8
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DD 2
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girly_girl
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Posted: 17 November 2010 at 4:00pm |
That's good news hun! Seriously think about going to the family centre as well - Maureen has a QE for all her work with mothers with PND, she runs groups and all sorts - a fabulous lady. Your doctor may also suggest that you go there as well, mine did,
Let us know how you get on hun x
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lostAmber
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Location: Hamilton
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Posted: 17 November 2010 at 4:04pm |
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another advocate for the family center, maureen is just lovely and really into ensuring mum is well. another hamilton lady here (already on anti depressants) that is opening her heart and life to you- if you ever need to just vent or get out of your house my door is always open. sharee 0275 303 222
why don't the 3 of us meet up and do something physical like walk around the lake? i know its the last thing we want to do, and that just makes it all the more reason why we should!
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girly_girl
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Posted: 17 November 2010 at 5:04pm |
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Sounds good to me LA - but maybe we give mummydee a few days to get to the doctor and things first, before we try and organise something. If she's anything like I was it took me weeks before I could brave the outside world.
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myfullhouse
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Posted: 17 November 2010 at 7:29pm |
 mummydee wrote:
I've sort of told my DH that I think I may have PND. He is an absolute love, but I also know that he is unsure what to do. I'm going to make an appointment with my GP and get DH to come along with me (so I can't chicken out!). |
That is what I was going to suggest. I think it will help your DH with understanding what is happening and how to help, I know it helped my DH
It is really good that you are going to go see the doctor, I know that after I went the first time and said it out loud I felt like a weight had been lifted.
Also try Mothers Matter website, it has lots of good info and you can also take the Edinburgh PND test.
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2boysnbug
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Posted: 18 November 2010 at 8:13am |
Take DH to the drs with you and get him to say it this way there isnt a way out if that makes sense. I had PND with DS1 and i didnt get it treated with AD till he was 18 months. i then did feel on top of the world after that. Everyone is different and i did try natural remedies for the first year of me being a new mum but i ended up needing the lil' pills help. i had councellors, midwifes and GPs all checking up on me which was great but my worst enemy was lack of sleep which i assume with three children might be a little of the issue? yes def go to the local family centre, our one in Palmy is fab-u-lous and i could not fault them at all!...
the best way to combat this feeling is to Talk and get help. no one knows how to intervene unless you tell that and let them in on what is happening. being around someone with PND can be awkard cause some friends and even your DP/DH dont know how to bring the subject up (oh and that they can sometimes think that you are being hormonal Grrr)...
there is light and getting the help really helps. I didnt get PND with DS2 cause i knew what my faults/weaknesses were and combated them. Good luck and PM me if you want any other info.
KiaKaha. :-).
Edited by JDs MUM
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DS1 (20.11.06) 5 years
DS2 (15.09.09) 2 years
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EmDee
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Posted: 19 November 2010 at 10:14am |
Thank you all
I've made an appt with my GP, unfortunately he is a good dr so I couldn't get in until next Fri. DH is taking some time off to go with me.
The other night DH & I sat down and talked. Lol, that makes it sound like it was easy! I should say we sat down and DH slowly got me to open up. I really wanted to, I just couldn't figure out how to start. We looked at the depression website together and went through the signs & symptoms and through the tears I discussed whether they applied to me or not.
I also did the test on there and the Mothers Matter website and they came back with 'mild depression'. The question about whether I had thought of harming myself came as a shock! Thankfully I never have, which made me grateful that my depression isn't severe.
We also went through the self help stuff and that was eye-opening. A couple of things really resonated with me. First was about the negative thoughts. I'm usually a fairly positive person but somehow I've turned quite negative. And it's not just me I'm negative about (i.e. I've been thinking negatively about random strangers!). I've started catching myself with negative thoughts and asking myself why it is so negative? And why does it matter? It's helping me disperse the negativity before it takes hold.
The other thing was social contact. While I'm pretty happy with my own company, I can go for weeks without getting out of the house and making face-to-face contact with friends. Facebook doesn't really count huh?! Anyway I am going to make more of an effort to get out of the house and meet with real people. I need to take Lilia to a playgroup and will try to meet up with friends at least once a week. Claire and Sharee I like the sound of meeting up and going for a walk or something
JDsMum - I have to admit sleep is something that I don't have an issue with. I'm very lucky that my kids have all slept through the night from quite young ages (I  them so much!). I probably only get woken once or twice a week and my kids tend to settle back to sleep pretty easily.
So at the moment I'm feeling ... hopeful. I know it's going to take time and work, and that it's likely I may have some backwards steps. One day at a time huh?
Once again, I really appreciate your support and advice, thank you
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amme_eilyk
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Posted: 19 November 2010 at 10:23am |
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thats really good mummydee. its a hard thing to sit there and face.
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2boysnbug
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Posted: 19 November 2010 at 10:27am |
yaye! your post sounds so positive and i can see a smile appearing on your face... am i right? onwards and upwards and not alone.
Well done!
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DS1 (20.11.06) 5 years
DS2 (15.09.09) 2 years
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EmDee
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Posted: 19 November 2010 at 10:41am |
Yep there is a smile on my face. Having to face up to it was SO hard, but it is amazing to feel that I have a plan and I DON'T have to do this by myself and that people DON'T think less of me for it. It's actually quite freeing
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lostAmber
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Posted: 19 November 2010 at 2:29pm |
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so good to here Daphne! so just give me a text when you're able to go for a walk and we will do so.
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girly_girl
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Posted: 19 November 2010 at 2:40pm |
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Yay Daphne - you have been in my thoughts the last few days. I was actually coming on here to see if you were ok. I'm so glad that things are moving in the right direction for you. When ever you are ready, either PM or text me and we can arrange a wee walk or something. No pressure though hun. Just glad to hear that wee smile in your 'voice'.
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my4beauties
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Posted: 29 November 2010 at 2:04pm |
Hun, I've just found this post (don't lurk out of my due-in month much) and wanted to know how you went with the dr?
Good on you for talking to your Dh first. I think getting his support is the best thing, as you don't need to do this on your own. It sounds like he's really lovely and helping you out.
Hugs from me xx
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My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) 
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EmDee
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Posted: 29 November 2010 at 3:13pm |
Thanks hun I was just coming in to update this thread, but had to respond to your post in General first
So I went to see my Dr on Friday and DH came with me. To be honest I left feeling a little disappointed. I'm not sure what I expected, but I was just not satisfied. Don't get me wrong, my Dr was compassionate and reassured me that I was not alone and that from what I described, with help, he was sure I would recover well, and probably quickly. He prescribed me anti depressants (clitopram? can't remember how it's spelt) and sleeping pills (in the past couple of weeks my sleep hasn't been so good - teach me for skiting earlier huh?  ). He also gave me contact numbers to seek further help.
So yeah. So far I haven't used the anti-d's as I'm feeling OK, still have down days, but on the whole OK. I'm taking it one day at a time and DH has been really awesome. We are talking about things alot more and that is helping me alot. I don't feel alone. Also I'm making more of an effort to connect with DH and the kids. As I was trying to describe to my Dr about how I felt I realised that I often felt really disconnected from whats going on around me, like there was a barrier around me and what was happening was barely touching me. Sometimes when I laughed or felt happy, it was like I was only laughing or smiling because that was what was expected, rather than what I actually felt.
Another thing is that I'm trying to limit time on FB & OB as I also think in some ways I was using the contact on here as a replacement for real life contact. I've been getting out of the house at least a couple of times a week to visit friends which has been good. I haven't actually told anyone else in real life yet. I guess I want to make sure I tell people who I know will be supportive of me, and won't see it as a 'failure'. Oh and DH & I have asked my SIL to take the older kids one day a week, which she is happy to do - yay!
So on the whole I'm doing OK and I still feel hopeful about the future. 
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my4beauties
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Posted: 29 November 2010 at 11:51pm |
Well I'm glad to hear that Daph. Making changes to get your life back on track isn't easy and takes a while. Yay for getting SIL to take the older kids so you can catch a break, and just spend time with Caleb and perhaps just do something for yourself.
I know what you mean about a lot of those things you mentioned, and I feel I too sometimes react to things the way I think I should, but not actually truely feeling that way. It's exhausting, and you feel like you're putting on an act? Well, that's I how feel. I'm around some people (family) a lot in which they annoy me and I can't stand a lot of what they say and do but I have to put on a front and act all cheery around them, when I really want to tell them to give me a break and not come visit for a few months!!
I hope you sleep improves. I am struggling myself to get to sleep tonight, don't know what's wrong with me, I've felt so tired all day but as soon as I tried to go to sleep tonight my mind is going and I don't feel sleepy.
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My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5)
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Feeling fragile
