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my4beauties 
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Location: NZ
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 Topic: "Always be yourself"
Posted: 10 March 2010 at 10:12am |
I have been wondering lately, that if my friends (well a couple of them) treated me nicer, then I'd be a nicer person to them. I feel that because they are just plain rude to me, that I feel that I can't be myself (which is to be nice to them) and end up being rude back to them!
There is my "best friend". We've been friends forever (and I've posted on here about her before) but she's a self-centred, selfish person. I've gone out of my way soo much for her in the past, but gave up on doing that last year when I felt I'd had enough of it being a one-way street.
I was saying to my sister the other day, that the way these friends treat me, means that I'm not myself when it comes to how I treat them. I feel angry and upset at their behaviour toward me, and feel very bitter towards them.
Small example. One friend who I've barely heard from in 2 yrs but only lives around the corner from me, text me on Saturday to see if I (but I could tell it was a bulk text to all her friends the way it was worded) wanted to go out for a drink that night. Normally I'd respond straight away to any friend texting me, but this friend NEVER texts me back, so on Saturday I just didn't bother to text her back!! Just a small thing, but i really bothered me that I wasn't going to text her back cos I feel like why should I when she's so poor to respond to me at anything! But it went against what I'd normally do!
This other best friend of mine, who texts me a few times a week but I haven't actually spoken to her in over 2 years (on the phone or in person), is now moving to Australia soon. I have been wondering if she was planning on coming to see me (and meet Ava) before she left, but so far there's been no word from her about doing that. I then thought that I should "just be myself" and go to visit her before she left. Because that is what I would normally do for a friend. But again... I'm thinking she's not worth my time or money spent to get up there.
So what I'm getting at, with all of this is:
Does the way other people treat you, make you behave in a way that's not being yourself?
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My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) 
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AandCsmum
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Location: Palmerston North
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 10:34am |
I've got a really good friend, we used to text & see each other all the time last year, well she's got a man now & I haven't heard boo from her  She doesn't work so it's not as if she contact me during the day or what ever. I usually am the one that initiate texting or phoning. She usually only contacts me if she wants something.
She knows I don't go out as much during the day with 2 one years olds as they aren't as portable as one is. She knows I'm always home but never comes around anymore.
The only time I heard from her recently was if I could feed her dogs while she went away. I hadn't heard from her in ages & she text me on the thursday night so I lied & said we were going away too. She has taken advantage of me this way in the past for about 5 or 6 weekend in a row & when I asked for one weekend she said no! Some of those weekends I had to go out of my way to feed them too!
It's not fair as my DD is friends with her DD and the only time they can see each other is if we arrange it.
Do I keep being the one that makes all the effort for the sake of my DD or do I flag it???
Some times it definitely does change the way you are around them. I guess sometimes we don't actually want them around so are as rude to them as they are to us so we hope they piss off sooner?
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Kel
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12
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clover
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 11:06am |
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I've been thinking a lot about friends recently, as I have decided that I really don't like one of my 'best' friends very much at all. She is selfish and self centered and really doesn't care about anyone but herself. She makes contact sporadically but it is always when she has something she wants to tell me, and once she's finished talking my ear off then the conversation is over. Case in point, I hadn't seen her in nearly 2 years (she lives overseas where I also used to live) and the first time she came around, to our new house that we had just brought she went straight into talking about herself, and continued for the next 3 hours. She never asked how I was, how DH was, commented on the house, nothing. So although she doesn't make me change who I am, she doesn't make me enjoy the friendships I have either.
I've since decided that I don't really need people like this in my life, and have not been in contact with her since, she's also not been in contact with me, she must not have anything interesting going on right now.
Maybe you should consider if you want these people in your life at all?
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Bizzy
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 11:13am |
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if you ask me - and i suppose you kind of have - if you cant be yourself with "friends" then they arent really friends.
accepting that people are different and wont always do things the way you would is part of freindship, but that doesnt mean that you should be treated badly or disrespected. Being someones friend means you would know how they want to be treated.
And maybe you are mistaking friends for acquaintances (sp).
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.Mel
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 11:14am |
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I think perhaps you've outgrown each other, and maybe it's time to say a quiet goodbye to them and move on with your life.
I could understand that perhaps if they were making more of an effort with you that you wouldnt' want to just move away from their friendships, but from what you've describe doesn't even sound like they are even real friends to you.
Having rude and inconsiderate people in your life, is just hard work, so if it were me, I'd concentrate on the positive friendly people that you have around you.
It sucks but sometimes you have to do whats right for you and not for the other person.
Take Care
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caliandjack
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 11:28am |
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I think some friendships do run their course, and the things that made you friends in the first place are no longer relevant.
If you can't be yourself with your friends, then they're not very good friends.
I do however find with some people (not necessarily friends) I react to their behaviour in the same manner ie: if someone is aggressive tomorrow I bite back.
In the end I would rather have less friends who I really love and care about and vice versa, than lots of people who are only friendly when it suits them.
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Emmecat
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 11:37am |
I think it's quite easy to outgrow friends, esp when you start having kids and find other mums who perhaps you have more in common with now? I'm also a worry wort about how other people interpret me sometimes as I can be rather shy IRL and I know that can come across as abrupt...but I keep working on it and I have lots of awesome friends who love and accept me for who I am (as I totally do them!) 
I guess what I'm trying to say is if the friendship is making you worry or stress because you're not sure or happy with how you behave around this person then it's probably just an ill-fit IYKWIM? DOesn't mean neither of you are bad, just that you're not right in the friendship stakes is all. I meet heaps of lovely people who are great to say hi to and small talk but just don't fry my burger at all for long term connections.
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my4beauties
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 11:53am |
Thanks for your responses.
I know these 2 people aren't good friends to at all. The one who hasn't contacted me in 2 yrs besides her text on the weekend, I wouldn't consider a friend anymore. I don't contact her with any of my news like I would a friend. She's a friend on my FB but there's been no contact with her on that, not even since I've had Ava (no congrats etc).
But because of how she's treated me, I feel like I have to treat her back the same way, IYKWIM. Instead of treating her how'd I'd treat a good friend (i.e. being kind and nice to her). So I feel like I'm not being true to myself, and being myself. In which it doesn't make me feel very good!
The reason I do this, is because I think maybe they'll realise it's not very nice to be treated that way, so will change the way they treat me. Or I think they don't deserve to have my nice treatment, so here - get some of your own treatment back.
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My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5)
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Snappy
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 12:07pm |
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I am the same as you Italiah - I get frustrated that people don't treat me as I have treated them.
I have a friend who doesn't call me back or email me back..says shes is coming over then never shows, and I dont get an explaination till shes back at work on a monday. So the other day I decided I wouldnt reply to one of her emails. She was ringing me and texting, wondering why I hadn't! She didn't really "Get" that I did it to see how she liked it, so it was pretty pointless. I actually had more luck with being honest with her and just telling her that lately she hasn't been keeping in touch like she used to, and she has been great ever since.
I think if you value their friendship and want to be yourself, then maybe talk to them honestly about what is bothering you - in a nice way of course.. if they value you then Im sure they would try and make things better between the two of you?
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clover
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 12:09pm |
 Italiah wrote:
The reason I do this, is because I think maybe they'll realise it's not very nice to be treated that way, so will change the way they treat me. Or I think they don't deserve to have my nice treatment, so here - get some of your own treatment back. |
Sadly, people like this never seem to look at themselves, you're always the one in the wrong
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xLUCKYx
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 12:10pm |
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I think what Bizzy said is so true.
Also totally agree with Emmecat.
I wouldn't say I have 'lost' friends but my friendships with most of my friends have changed so much since having kids. There are some I only ever see on the occasional social occasions we still venture out for.
I do have a few really close buddies who will always take me as I am and I will take them as they are. They are the true friends - so hard to find but once you do you don't let go.
My best freind (who Is more like a sister) lives in Raro and we are rarely in touch but when we see eachother we dont skip a beat.
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my4beauties
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Posted: 10 March 2010 at 12:19pm |
I would love to tell them how I feel about our friendship, but don't want to say the wrong thing which I'm good at doing, and if I really told them how I felt about them they'd be offended I'm sure!
There has been a couple of occasions when problems have arose with my friend who's moving to Oz, and we've had it out with each other and moved on. (like the time she told my sister something I told my friend never to tell her!! and when she went out with the guy that I'd liked for 2 years, and in front of my face, they hooked up at a party and were making out in the car on the way home with me sitting next to them. That's all teenage stuff though).
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My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5)
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"Always be yourself"
