Stress

Hi there, just found out at my 12 week scan last week we are having identical twins. Complete shock! Just trying to remain positive as ive noticed a few friends and family mention negative issues that i dont really need to dwell on. I started having breathing problems the other day just worrying about things so decided i cant do that, i need to remain relaxed for the babies.
However having an issue at my work with a colleague. We used to be on good friendly terms but recently she had a miscarriage. She came back to work after two weeks off and has barely looked me in the eye or talked to me since then. I walk in the room when shes talking to someone and she rushes out as fast as she can. She's talking normally and acting normal with everyone else apart from myself. I feel for her situation but i dont deserve to be treated this way. Her reaction to me having twins that she told another colleague was that i better not complain because she would rather have twins than not be pregnant at all. She admitted to another colleague that she finds it hard to be around me which i understand but its been a month now and im feeling a bit bullied. Shes already got two young girls and can always try again but this is my first and a stressful time for me and im not sure if i should confront her (probably make it worse) or just keep giving her time and space (which ive been doing). Any suggestions or advice?

As someone who's struggled with infertility, your colleague’s reaction is totally normal. That doesn't make it right, necessarily, but I totally understand it. Even with secondary infertility - since she's already got kids - she's struggling so badly with the fact that you've got what she so, so badly wants. She's probably still grieving the loss of her much-wanted baby, and you complaining WILL hurt like hell. To her, you're about the luckiest person alive, and if you whinge you look like you don'' appreciate it.

My advice would be to continue avoiding her, and not be hurt by the fact she wants to avoid you. It's not you, she's just hurt. By all means, feel free to express your feelings around people who will understand (being surprised with twins would be a bit of a shock, and I can totally understand you needing to talk it through, and worrying about the added concerns that come with an extra baby). Just don't do it while she's round... she doesn't want to hear, and you're not going to get any support from her for obvious reasons.

Most of all - and this is perhaps coloured by my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt - but don't consider yourself the injured party here. Despite the added challenges of twins, they'll be a double blessing too. She's not bullying you if she's hurting so much she chooses to avoid you. It could even be the opposite, she could easily be trying to steer clear of you because she doesn't want to say all the things that spring to mind that she knows WOULD be cruel and unfair. Feel sorry for her, not aggrieved.

Perhaps you could try and get support from your friends rather than co-workers. This way you'll still be getting plenty of support but you wont be making your workplace an uncomfortable enviroment for her. Have you tried talking to her about non-baby related things? Maybe you could try talking about something you did over the weekend or something and try going from there?


As stressfull as finding out your having twins is, I imagine losing a baby is a lot more stressfull and upsetting. A month is really not a long time to grieve for a baby she lost....... Also I have to say it probably still hurts regardless of if she has other kids and there could also be a possibility that she actually can't try again or can't face dealing with the chances of it happening again.

Maybe try thinking of how she feels and what she is going through, You've just got a double blessing and she's lost a child. She's probably not mad at you but rather finding it very difficult to deal with the loss of her baby.....

Guest_64538 wrote: Hi there, just found out at my 12 week scan last week we are having identical twins. Complete shock! Just trying to remain positive as ive noticed a few friends and family mention negative issues that i dont really need to dwell on. I started having breathing problems the other day just worrying about things so decided i cant do that, i need to remain relaxed for the babies. However having an issue at my work with a colleague. We used to be on good friendly terms but recently she had a miscarriage. She came back to work after two weeks off and has barely looked me in the eye or talked to me since then. I walk in the room when shes talking to someone and she rushes out as fast as she can. She's talking normally and acting normal with everyone else apart from myself. I feel for her situation but i dont deserve to be treated this way. Her reaction to me having twins that she told another colleague was that i better not complain because she would rather have twins than not be pregnant at all. She admitted to another colleague that she finds it hard to be around me which i understand but its been a month now and im feeling a bit bullied. Shes already got two young girls and can always try again but this is my first and a stressful time for me and im not sure if i should confront her (probably make it worse) or just keep giving her time and space (which ive been doing). Any suggestions or advice?

First Congratulations!

Agree with you, you seemed of answered your own Qs," " keep given her all the space she needs to worked through her own issues".

Grief makes can make no sense the person who is going through it at times, but as you are a good friend to her, just hope she will see that in you.
If she a true friend she will bounce back.

The Neg stuff you mention:

Surround your self with uplifting friends and family, who will inspire you and not drag you down , even if they do unintentionally, people simply don't think as sensitive as others may hope. And go pamper yourself!

You have 2 wee ones to place all you good thoughts into. :) But must be still hard for you if you have to face all this, as if she was a good friend she should brave up to you her self sooner rather than never, as sounds as she is hurting more and thus, " blinded by her own concerns".

Focus on all the good, the rest will just be obstacles to over come and make you stronger.

Enjoy all the new things to come with you wee ones. And hope you friend may come back as friend to you if you both feel it can work, is she does not , lest you know you care.

So sensible Hopes!

It is fantastic that you are excited about your pregnancy. It sounds as though most of your colleagues are really happy for you.

I'm going in to bat for the other woman - trying to explore some of her experience. If you aren't interested in this then please don't read on! I don't want to come across as mean without a heads up!

Two months is not that long a time to grieve - many women grieve hard for the duration of the time that they would have been pregnant, and then for a short period of time later. The fact that she already has children of no consequence - if you lost a five year old child and had a six and seven year old child as well it wouldn't hurt less because you have other children.

I had a second trimester miscarriage while working at a hospital. I started hating to see new families go home with their babies - previously a perk of the job. But the hardest bit was a colleague who had her first grandchild due around the same time as I had been due. She was thrilled, and very happily showed me scan pics, gave me lengthy pregnancy updates and of course heaps of baby pics. I received a text when the baby was born.

It just about killed me. We were friendly, and I didn't want to diminish her joy and experience. But it hurt a lot. Perhaps I should have mentioned something to her quietly - but I didn't want to make a huge fuss. It was really painful and made work really trying. I would come home crying some days.   I grieved really hard for my lost baby for well over a year, and the date that she was born and died is still very difficult for me.

I kind of get the feeling here that it seems that there is no space in your workplace for her to grieve and for you to celebrate. All the congratulations and excitement that you receive for your pregancy is something that she was going to get as well. It really, really hurts. I bet you are asked how you are doing regularly - people very rarely ask women who have miscarried how they are doing after a couple of weeks. It may be very hard for her to get this kind of enquiry from you - a lot of women who have recently miscarried find it very, very difficult to be around pregnant women generally.

It sounds like your colleague would like some space from you - if you are unhappy with her not responding to your greetings then why bother? If she is still upset two months after her miscarriage that is still a very normal timeframe for grieving. It is in no way dysfunctional (most health professionals use a rough timeframe of six months as a normal time to grieve).

I worry about the benefits of talking to your manager about this. Is it genuinely a work problem? Or is it an interpersonal problem that does not impact on the work that you do, just your enjoyment of it? I ask because I wonder about what a manager would do with this kind of scenario. How is it likely to play out? I think your manager would be between a rock and a hard place.

Can you just ignore her and enjoy your special pregnancy with those who choose to share in your happiness? Discuss it at work and be happy, just try and keep the conversations to a minimum around her.