2nd blind miscarriage, life sucks

Hi all, Im a newbie to the site and am really struggling at the moment as it sounds like many of you/us are! I am 31, Type 1 diabetic, and I had 3 normal miscarriages prior to my daughter in 2004. That relationship ended quite soon after a nightmare of a pregnancy and delivery (6.5 weeks prem, C section, I went to Intensive Care for 4 days and she had to stay in NeoNatal Unit for almost 6 weeks) and I have since found the love of my life who is a wonderful father to my girl and really looking forward to children of his own. We have been together for almost four years now and have been trying for babies for about a year and a half. We became pregnant in October last year and as a family were SO excited. We took our daughter (now 6) to our 12 week scan just after New Year 2010 only to discover there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped developing at around 8 weeks (the same time I lost my previous 3). I was absolutely heartbroken, my partner was amazing although I felt he didnt really understand the grief I was feeling. I had an ERPOC (D&C) and each month from then I was consumed with getting pregnant again and devestated when I wasnt. I dont think I really got over that loss but was excited and terrified when I fell pregnant again in June. I had morning sickness for the first time ever and was told theis was a good sign! Because of my diabetes I fall under the At Risk Pregnancy Clinic at the hospital and on sharing my fears and the fact that as with my pregnancy late last year I was quite crampy.
My Obstetrician ordered a monitoring scan at 9wks and I was both excited and scared as i had to go alone because my partner had to work. I felt quite severe cramps that day and by that afternoon at the scan I was given the worst possible news, that again there was not a heartbeat and it was only very recent (that day) as the foetus was the perfect size for the dates. I had another D & C a week later and that was two weeks ago.

I know grieving is different for everyone but I am SO angry, SO sad and SO consumed with guilt for my partner and fear that I may never have another child. I had a huge amount of blood tests while in for the procedure and we have a referral to the Gynocology Clinic in 4 weeks to see if they can shed any light. I am finding it hard to work, to concentrate, to sleep and to connect with my partner - I cant look at him without crying as it just brings it all flooding back. I am reading lots of Miscarriage books from the library and am doing my best to acknnowledge and embrace the grief rather than trying to bury it.

It is 2 weeks tomorrow since the D & C, I was meant to have a 12 week scan today & the hospital lab rang just now to say I can go pick up what was removed when I am ready. My body feels like it is protesting to what has happened - I have horrible lower abdominal cramps which flared up a few days ago and the bleeding is all on again. I actually feel physically worse than immediately before and after the D & C.

Im a mess. I just really needed to share all that somewhere that others may understand rather than with my GP nurse who says "it was for the best, it wouldnt have been healthy", or some family and friends who say, "you can try again, the next one will be as strong as you!"

I dont feel strong I feel as though Im falling apart

Im so grateful to have somewhere to offload, thanks in advance

This site might be good to visit as well

http://www2.everybody.co.nz/forum/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm&c=6

I hope you find some answers from your tests

I'm so sorry to read your story, I can feel your total and utter heartbreak.

I don't really have any advice other than to be kind to yourself, healing after something so traumatic takes a long time. I hope there are people you can talk too and if not, like me, you'll find that ohbaby is a wonderful site to offload and also find new coffee buddies I'm not sure where you live but if you're in Auckland and ever want to meet up and talk it out - Just give me a yell.

Otherwise, just vent on here all you need too and hopefully sharing your feelings will start to help you heal, You've come to the right place

Hey new friends! Thank you for all the hugs and supportive words - certainly feels nice to know Im not alone in all this
I will go check that site out now two_boys, cheers for that, and yes didi99, despite the potential for 'bad news' at the clinic Im thinking SOME kind of answers will be a relief as it will remove the uncertainty Im feeling and give us a way forward - at this point im just constantly worried I may never be able to carry again!!
I went to my GP yetserday as 15days post D & C and the cramps and lower back pains were bad last night and the bleeding (clots) has start up again big time. A scan to see if there is stuff still retained is $185!!!!, I opted for the antibiotics and to wait it out... come on sunshine - bring some GOOD news!
Thank you all again for your support, I am in Hawkes Bay if there is anyone else out there

I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry you're not getting the most supportive comments from the people around you. Have you had a look round the miscarriage support nz site, its pretty good? Especially the list of issues related to grief, not sure exactly what the page is called. I like the everybodies forum too, although I never post there.

thats shocking about the 2nd scan cost.

Reading your post, I'm wondering if you have ever had your progesterone levels read during your pregnancies? If not it might be worth checking - day 21 of your cycle for this. I hope the gynae clinic can give you some answers.

I've felt the guilt with my partner too, the whole 'because of MY body, he gets to lose HIS children and go through this heartbreak too'. He's wanted kids for the last 10 years, whereas for me its probably only been about 2 years.

I think you're doing the right thing with the book reading, finding info and meeting the grief head on. Its such a tricky one too, sneaks up on you at the worst of times. You sound strong, with that approach, even if you don't feel it.

Hang in there, and keep offloading, big big love to you and your man