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chonny View Drop Down
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    Posted: 01 September 2007 at 10:40am
I have a freind who recently lost their little angel at 18 hours old. I would like to know what support i can offer and how much is too much?

Edited by chonny


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my2angels View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my2angels Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 September 2007 at 12:00pm
Thats so sad. My friend recently lost her wee boy at 5 months old and I really struggled with supporting her mainly because I didnt want to be to in her face but didnt want her to think I didnt care so I just told her that and said to her that I will be there whenever she wants night or day and also would just go to see her rather than her having to ask. We spent many nights txting till the early hours when everyone else was in bed and she felt most alone. Also we talk about her son quite a bit when others avoid it but at the same time its not all we talk about if that makes any sense.
Big hugs to you and your friend
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FionaS View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote FionaS Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 September 2007 at 10:07pm
Chonny - I too know this person. She is doing so amazingly! I saw her on Thurs and she had her usual spark and smile. I'm sure she just appreciates everyone's friendship right now.
Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley
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chonny View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote chonny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 September 2007 at 11:21am
Fiona, i thought that on thurs when i was there too, and when i popped in today, she full of a cold, but still smiling. Just popped in to see if she needed washing done, i feel like i must be annoying, lol, on thurs, MIL had done it day before, and today MIL hjas taken son and washing. lol. Oh well, at least i offered right?


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fattartsrock Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 September 2007 at 2:13pm
My BF had a still born daughter 2;5 years ago. THe main thing is just "being there", and talking about baby if she wants to, whatever you do, don't not talk about baby, don't tip toe around the subject. The worst thing that people do (mistakenly) is pretend like BAby never existed, ignoring her or avoiding her. In a few months time it will "hit home" and thats when it's really important to be there for her. She will soon discover who her real friends are, and she will find she "loses touch" with alot of people after a while,a s people often just don't know what to say, and don't want to "offend" her or upset her, but that in itself is the most hurtful and offensive. Never ever forget she is a mum too. umm, not too sure what else I can offer? Is she intouch with SANDS group? they are awesome. She may not want to now, but she will do in the (probably near) future. Big hugs to you all, it is an awful thing to happen. xxxx
The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fattartsrock Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 September 2007 at 2:15pm
Oh, and saee if you can get hold of a 2005(I think) october/november little treasures magazine, My friend wrote an article about her loss, it was called "Losing Emjay"
The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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chonny View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote chonny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 September 2007 at 2:33pm
I Read that story! it made me cry! I remember it well!

Not sure if she in touch witht aht group, but i know another lady who lost a baby about 3 years ago who is in that group and one of the people who ring around. Aparently coz she was in AKL hospital she shoudl ahev the info. This lady told me it's important to mention the baby by name. She is a real person after all. I just don't want to bombard her you know. I'm only just getting to know her, but she knows if she needs washing done, or wants me to pick her older son up for a ocuple of hours and take him to music, or if she needs a lift, i have told her just to text me. With not being that close, i don't want to put my foot in the wrong place.

Thanks for everyone replying to this. I really appreciate the advice.


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my2angels View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my2angels Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 September 2007 at 2:58pm
Oh i read that story too, god that was sad, its always stuck in my mind that story.
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Peace View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Peace Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2007 at 7:40pm
I sat with my friend and her husband this year, shortly after the birth of their second son as they kissed him goodbye. He was born before a viable gestational age.
From my personal point of view I would say to be there, I was there for them and held their hands and mopped the tears. I told her that I would go when she told me to go otherwise I was there for the duration. I really think my friend is my most valuable and most lovely friend and I would do it for her again in a heart beat, just as I am sure that she would do something as wonderful for me.
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chonny View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote chonny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2007 at 8:05pm
That's really awesome that you could be there for her like that Peace.

I went around yesterday and vacuumed the house, folded washing, ironed Dh's shirts, and took away 4 loads of washing to do. I think she really appreciated it as i got a text this am thanking me.

I guess htat's all i can really do, that and offer to take her son for a couple of hours and stuff. Espesh since i don't know her well. Today was baby's due date, so DH & I are thinking of them and sending our prayers towards them. We were supposed to get together with them tonight, but they not feeling the best, understandably! Wills ee her in the morning tho, just hope i say the right things huh


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Maya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 September 2007 at 9:22pm
Big hugs to you and your friend Chonny. I can second (or third!) Annie that SANDS are wonderful, I have met a few ladies who are involved with them and my landlady does telephone counselling for them also, she lost her wee boy about five years ago now.
I'm working on a feature on pregnancy and infant loss for OHbaby! at the moment, it will be up in about 3 weeks.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my2angels Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 September 2007 at 1:20pm
another thing i thought of was remembering dates. I know my friend was really upset because no friend or family (apart from me) remembered that it would be say 3 months since B passed away, things like that. I know every saturday they will watch the clock till the time he died and then it goes from week to month. I would just acknowledge I knew it was say 2 months, and let her know I was thinking of them. She felt like everyone else had moved on and forgotten about B because they didnt acknowledge him.
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chonny View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote chonny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 September 2007 at 1:46pm
I Can understand that. It was baby's due date yesterday, so when i was told this am that she wasn't up to coming out, i totally understood. And i hope that i will remember things like that. I haev to double check when she passed, i think it will be a month the sunday. It must be hard. I guess i'm finding it hard not knowing her well, but also, babies are my life, so it has really affected me.


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fattartsrock View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fattartsrock Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 September 2007 at 3:01pm
Originally posted by my2angels my2angels wrote:

another thing i thought of was remembering dates. I know my friend was really upset because no friend or family (apart from me) remembered that it would be say 3 months since B passed away, things like that. I know every saturday they will watch the clock till the time he died and then it goes from week to month. I would just acknowledge I knew it was say 2 months, and let her know I was thinking of them. She felt like everyone else had moved on and forgotten about B because they didnt acknowledge him.


yep I second this, the dates are super inportant
The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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Maya View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Maya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 September 2007 at 8:22pm
Originally posted by fattartsrock fattartsrock wrote:

Originally posted by my2angels my2angels wrote:

another thing i thought of was remembering dates. I know my friend was really upset because no friend or family (apart from me) remembered that it would be say 3 months since B passed away, things like that. I know every saturday they will watch the clock till the time he died and then it goes from week to month. I would just acknowledge I knew it was say 2 months, and let her know I was thinking of them. She felt like everyone else had moved on and forgotten about B because they didnt acknowledge him.


Third it! It meant so much to me when Maria texted me to say she was thinking of me on our angel's due date a few weeks ago

yep I second this, the dates are super inportant
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chonny View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote chonny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 September 2007 at 10:57am
So if i text my friend saying i'm thinking about her on the one month anniversary of baby's passing, would that be ok?


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my2angels View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote my2angels Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 September 2007 at 2:09pm
yep i would, just to let her know you havent forgotten and are thinking of them. its teh little things like that which will show how much you care
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