Advice on dealing with insensitive people

Parki - I totally agree with what most people on here have said also! I don't think you are being overly sensitive at all either. You don't need to have people in your life that bring you down ¡V especially not at a time when you are supposed to be reducing stress.

I think it is natural that most people have expectations of their friends like yourself - a real friend shouldn't upset you and they should be supportive & understanding¡K. They don¡¦t have to have been through the whole ¡§infertility¡¨ journey to at least have an understanding of what you are going through!

I had one of my closest friends (who had supported me through the first 2 years of my fertility treatment & was my shoulder to cry on when each OI & IUI¡¦s failed) tell me she was pregnant the day after our last IUI (before we moved on to IVF) failed. She didn¡¦t ask how I was just said she wondered how she could now sit there pregnant while ¡§my failure to conceive (her words!) was the pink elephant in the room¡¨.    Some people just have no tack. I was overly happy for her and told her that also, but it was obviously all too hard for her. I cut contact and think it was one of the best things I could¡¦ve done.

I agree - Remove contact, surround yourself with caring people, and make sure you look after yourself!

All the best for your next cycle! ļ

Heck no, that sounds like she either just doesn't care, or she seriously doesn't understand the situation. You poor thing

My theory when it comes to 'over-reacting' or not is that infertility is a horrible hard journey - it's right up there with marriage break-ups and cancer, apparently. So if something hurts, you're not over-reacting, you're reacting exactly how you should for someone in a nasty situation, dealing with all kinds of hard stuff every day. It doesn't really matter if it 'should' hurt or not, it does, so it's not worth pretending it doesn't. With friends who don't know you're trying, that's a hard one, because there's no way of letting them know. But with a friend like this who KNOWS you're trying, I'd be telling her loud and clear that you're finding it a bit hard right now, and if she could knock the pregnancy talk on the head you'd appreciate it

Oh, and ETA that if she's a real friend, she'll appreciate being told, even if it makes her feel awkward at the time. I know I felt dreadful telling a couple of friends who've been trying for a baby since I was trying for Jacob and haven't got there yet that I was expecting another one. If I was saying anything round them that made them feel stink, I'd want to know. It's hard in a way, because you don't want to *not* talk about the baby at all, because that's a bit too obvious and I would have hated that myself - but you know how much it will be hurting too.

Edited by Hopes

I have found that there is a huge variety in how sensitive people are about these things. After I had my fourth mc three of my teammates were expecting babies (2 women, one man) and sometimes they would stand right next to my desk and talk about the pregnancies - despite the fact they all knew my situation. Another teammate who wasn't pregnant totally got it and was horrified on my behalf.

I believe they all cared about me but just had some blind spots and were absorbed in their own stuff. I find its easier to accept that some people aren't capable of responding in the way I need and to try and get support from those who are.

That doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to protect yourself from behaviour that is painful. If I could have I would have avoided these people. As it was I limited social contact with them outside of work as much as I could. As much as possible I removed myself from situations that I found painful.

In the end I did have a baby and sometimes I gently talk to those people about that period of time and how it was for me. It is clear to me that while they got it on an intellectual level they really didn't get the depths of pain I was experiencing.

I really don't understand how someone could be so insensitive?

It really sucks that someone you have been so close to has caused you so much hurt. As someone who has not had to have the horrible burden of infertility (yet and I hope never as I do not think I am as strong as you all) I would NEVER say/do the things that your friend has done.

I remember before conceiving my little one the levels of jealously I would feel when people would tell me they were pregnant, it just seemed so unfair. I think of people who are struggling with infertility as parents who just havn't had their babies yet...

Anyway I guess I am reading around here because I want to understand more about the feelings as I want to be there to support friends who struggle in this way.
I've found it harder to support since becoming a mummy because it just seems so unfair and i feel guilty when I have my little girl, and if I ever don't enjoy her (my hubby thinks this too) as we don't want to seem so selfish when we have been handed this precious gift some people will never have yet desire with all their hearts...

amalyse wrote: I have my little girl, and if I ever don't enjoy her (my hubby thinks this too) as we don't want to seem so selfish when we have been handed this precious gift some people will never have yet desire with all their hearts...

I think it's quite OK to be honest. Your friend, although she desperately wants a baby, is very unlikely to be so far gone she thinks babies are all sweetness and light and happy times. It's when people harp on and act as if they're generally unhappy to have their precious little one that you want to hit them

OMG Catie - thats awful. Hope you are doing ok.

Its extremely disappointing when friends let you down like that. It sounds like you have been making excuses and putting up with behaviour that constantly upsets you for long enough. While she may not completely understand what you are going through she has been a friend of yours for a long time and she should know you well enough to have some idea of how you are feeling.

Good luck with your journey.