In a good place

Actually littlesal- sounds like you *are* having a bit of a dig for some reason...not sure why  You've taken my comment on' little lack of meaning' out of context  TOTALLY  (see below).  I wrote this when I was pg and quite frankly worried about being a mother and about not being maternal enough. I had been single and independent and enjoyed being so. My days when I wasn't a Mum were very busy but yes they felt empty(in comparison- definately not at the time!)...and I made this comaprison before I even had Clodagh, basing my comments purely on my observation on having a FOSTER child who sorely needed a family. Empty does not = shallow or meaningless or pointless or any other derogative adjective you care to assign to it. My life was more fufilling after having our foster son in it because I was helping a kid who* needed* it. Having a child 'naturally' is a different kettle of fish altogether. Yes my life has more meaning now but it's not nessacarily better. And absolutely I was going to give up TTC the month we got Clodagh ....as I was very ambivilent about the whole TTC thing by that stage.  The point I'm rather inarticulately trying to make is you don't know what you're missing if you don't have it. I didn;t think for a second my life was empty or meaningless before I had a foster child or a daughter.

I also am not (I suspect) a 'natural' mother...we shall find that out in 12 weeks or so though lol. I say that I suspect as much simply because my DP has a couple of kids from his 1st marriage, who are quite nice and we all get on well, but whom I could honestly take or leave. I certainly don't love them and don't miss them if we don't see them for a bit (like if they go away with their mum for a holiday).

Part of it was a logical choice we had to make- I was 33/34 and DP 35. We knew I had had problems m/c in a previous r'ship, and both wanted to try earlier rather than later in case that happened again. In hindsight we were relatively 'luck'y that we 'only' had 1 m/c and approx 11 months of TTC before falling pg with this baby.

Another part was that we wanted our foster son and his other children to have  at least one other sibling, for our foster son so he would feel part of a family (which he is still a bit clueless about, poor kid), and for the other 2, so they could see this union between us was stable and solid and they were part of it.

Also, both DP and I were 'mildly' clucky.....he more than I. I am getting cluckier the more pg I get, thank god!  But I still don't have an overwhelming desire to be near babies or othe kids. I am hoping I will fall in love with our dughter when she is born as I too have found pg hard.

Starting a family is SUCH a hard choice. I was the altogether, independant, career focused 30 year old before I met DP.... and yet no matter how annoyed and tired and resentful I sometimes get in my 'new' life, I can stop and look back at my old one and realise how quiet and quite frankly, how EMPTY my days often were. My new life is far more challenging than anythng I have ever done- and I've done alot lol- but it's also more meaningful. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a little lack of meaning, no responsibility and sitting in a cafe drinking coffee would be bloody great lol but for the most part, I think I just realised that my time had come to do the family thing and  for the most part, I am content to do so.

LittleSal wrote: Not having a dig at all and have probably taken it completely out of context as it was the last paragraph that I concentrated on when reading it. Sorry about that. Just always hard to visualise how different our lives will be with children and interesting to get a before and after perspective

No problems, I'm very tired and probably feeling a little sensitive.   Life IS totally different with a baby but then it was totally different with a foster child as well. Much harder!!!! Clodagh is the best thing I've ever done and I love her with all my heart... however had we not got a BFP that month, I would have given up and never been any the wiser IYKWIM? I'm not a great example for you unfortunately because my life had already changed at that point with our foster son on the scene. Had he NOT been there and we DIDN"T get our BFP, then I'd still be enjoying my cafes, working hard, going to my arthouse movies, singing and performing...all the stuff I used to do regularly and now don't have a hope in hell of doing. So I would've 'won' either way! Just different lifestyles. I'm much tireder now, I'll say that much lol