Access visits

I would get the advice of the Family Court given that there are possible safety issues.  I doubt that there will be much done - perhaps recommending that he go to a 'parenting' course - but at least you will have raised it formally and have a record of it in case other things arise down the track.   The dirty clothes and face etc would annoy me (and make me sad for my child too!) but I think you will find that his style of parenting (or not!) will be seen as his choice. 

The other thing I would do is (and this is longer term) ensure that you build a relationship with your daughter that allows her to talk to you about anything, and teach her about being clean and tidy etc etc etc.  Then you may find that as she gets older, she is able to tell him that she needs to change her clothes, wash her hands etc.  I think sometimes the other parent will do things because the child tells them they need to!

I guess there are a couple of options for the dirty clothes issue - you could ask daycare to change her into a clean set of clothes just before he picks her up??  Or explicitly ask him if he would mind giving her a bath, or at least changing her clothes.  Will that work if you ask him as though he would be doing you a favour?

It's hard isn't it.  But then I guess those things that we disagree with are part of the reason that we are not in those relationships anymore.  At least that is the case for me.  There are things that bug me about ex-DHs parenting style - most particularly the fact that he teaches my son to be so careful that he becomes afraid to take a chance.  DS is completely capable of walking down steps holding on to an adults hand however ex-DH then taught him to sit on his bottom to do it instead of walking.  I had to point out that DS was already walking - the odd thing is that he knew that but decided to teach him to be 'careful' anyway!!  He also makes a huge fuss whenever DS falls over or does something that potentially hurts so DS now cries at the slightest bump.

I have decided that I need to go with what I suggested for you.  Instill the values and beliefs that I feel are important and then trust that my little people will follow through with those that they feel are important enough when they are old enough to make the decision.  I'm thinking it's something that can happen even when parents live under the same roof except that then you either have more control yourself, or the ability to talk it through with the other adult.  Maybe that is our bonus - the fact that we don't have to convince anyone else of the importance - we just get to do it.  I really hope it sorts itself out and he is just being slow.  And the clothes thing?!?!?!  I'm with you...it sounds very odd that he would bothering changing her back - you could just ask that he leave her in the nice clean clothes.  Put it to him that then he doesn't need to go to the trouble of changing her again when her doesn't need to!