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Stephi 
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 Topic: Newly single and VERY worried.
Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:36am |
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Hi everyone. So my SO and I have decided to call it quits after long extensive arguments about it all, and after trying to sort everything out. We have come to the conclusion that we dont belong together. We never really have.
I am extremely worried about being a single parent :( I am currently on the sickness benefit for anxiety and depression, and will carry on getting it up until bubs is born. I am worried about my house. I pay 280 dollars rent here, and that is split between SO and I (we are on the same benefit, as he is joint with mine). But once he goes, it will just be me that has to pay that. Does anyone know if WINZ will make me move because of how much the rent is? Im really nervous about this! I love this house so much, and dont want to leave it. Bubs room is all set up and waiting for his arrival, and I would hate to have to move into a 1 bedroom hole (im in a really nice 2 bedroom atm).
Also, im frightened so much of being a single mum :( It makes me cry every day just thinking about it. How hard its going to be. I am lucky to have an amazing support system (my family) but I just wish I could have an amazing partner or husband around to help me out too :( This is my first baby, and I hate that I have to bring him into a world where its just mummy who wants to stick around for him :(
I feel like an idiot ranting, but I have literally no-one else to talk to :(
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RicKer
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:48am |
Huge hugs hun! 
First of all you will be a fantastic mum! The fact that you want and will be there for your little boy will mean the world to him. It may not be easy but it will be extremely rewarding and you will be surprised at how well you will cope and adapt.
Im not 100% sure on WINZ but im on the DPB with a rent of $270 and i manage. I wouldn't imagine they would make you move. My best advice would be to be as efficient as you can with cutting bills. Turn everything off at the wall, short showers, only buy what you need when food shopping etc. With careful budgeting you can stretch money quite far. Try get an appointment with them asap and tell them what is happening. They may be able to help in other ways and may also offer free a councilor if you need it.
Once again, sending lots of hugs and support your way. You can do it 
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Plushie
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 7:08am |
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I have no idea about Winz as i've never delt with them but i think the best thing is to usually go and explain your change in circumstances? They have a bunch of grants for things like this - i think there is even one to help you buy baby things and get set up if you need it.
I totally understand where you're coming from with the rest though - i split with my babys father when i wasnt even out of the first trimester! We are only just starting to be able to talk to each other again, and with bubs due in a week i've started feeling really guilty that i'm not providing a house, dog, husband sort of family for him. Which is ridiculous because i know so many single moms that do an amazing job - and look at the ladies here! They're all incredible parents. Your baby will be just fine.
Somethings to think about are getting visits/custody agreements sorted out - you don't have to do this until after the birth obviously, but i found it easier to do now, i don't want to fight with my ex with our baby in the room and i certainly didnt want him causing a scene at the hospital and ruining my memorys of the babys first few days. Even if you think you won't have a problem you might find he and you have very different ideas on whats fair! You can get help from family court (counselling etc) to get an agreement in place but it can't be ordered/made legal until baby is born.
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:32am |
 RicKer wrote:
Huge hugs hun!
First of all you will be a fantastic mum! The fact that you want and will be there for your little boy will mean the world to him. It may not be easy but it will be extremely rewarding and you will be surprised at how well you will cope and adapt.
Im not 100% sure on WINZ but im on the DPB with a rent of $270 and i manage. I wouldn't imagine they would make you move. My best advice would be to be as efficient as you can with cutting bills. Turn everything off at the wall, short showers, only buy what you need when food shopping etc. With careful budgeting you can stretch money quite far. Try get an appointment with them asap and tell them what is happening. They may be able to help in other ways and may also offer free a councilor if you need it.
Once again, sending lots of hugs and support your way. You can do it |
Thank you for the support!
I had a terrible night last night. SO (ex) has gone away for 2 weeks to sort some stuff out then is coming back. Had someone try to open my front door at about midnight, so I havent slept much! That, and I was just over-thinking everything and wound up pretty upset :(
When can you go on the DPB? After bubs is born? Or can you go on it before? Im really scared im going to have to move :( Im really grateful for the government system we have in place though. A lof of us wouldnt cope without the WINZ system in place, its nice to know when times are rough, I have someone to turn to financially.
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 9:37am |
bowie wrote:
I have no idea about Winz as i've never delt with them but i think the best thing is to usually go and explain your change in circumstances? They have a bunch of grants for things like this - i think there is even one to help you buy baby things and get set up if you need it.
I totally understand where you're coming from with the rest though - i split with my babys father when i wasnt even out of the first trimester! We are only just starting to be able to talk to each other again, and with bubs due in a week i've started feeling really guilty that i'm not providing a house, dog, husband sort of family for him. Which is ridiculous because i know so many single moms that do an amazing job - and look at the ladies here! They're all incredible parents. Your baby will be just fine.
Somethings to think about are getting visits/custody agreements sorted out - you don't have to do this until after the birth obviously, but i found it easier to do now, i don't want to fight with my ex with our baby in the room and i certainly didnt want him causing a scene at the hospital and ruining my memorys of the babys first few days. Even if you think you won't have a problem you might find he and you have very different ideas on whats fair! You can get help from family court (counselling etc) to get an agreement in place but it can't be ordered/made legal until baby is born. |
Im sorry to hear about you and your babys father. I would imagine that would have been quite tough, especially in the first trimester aswell when everything is all new and things like that! I wish my ex and I (it feels weird saying that) would have broken up then though. I have had problems with him since before baby even came into the picture. I tried to break up with him a few months before I got pregnant, and he was really upset on the phone and was telling me he loved me and didn't want me to leave. So I decided to stay. Sometimes I wish I had just been strong enough then and left. But then I wouldn't have my beautiful son growing inside of me :)
Its so hard thinking about visits and custody agreements. I dont even want to go to court over anything. Do I have to? I mean if the babies father and I can sit down and come to an agreement regarding visits and things like that (I will no way in hell let him have custody, that would break my heart, and the reason we are breaking up is because hes not mature enough to look after a child), do we have to go to court over anything? Or do things have to be made legal in regards to all this?
Thank you so much for your support! It means a lot
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 10:45am |
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Well I just rung WINZ and im going to have to move.
Paying 280 dollars by myself means that once thats paid, I will only have 23 dollars to live on, based on their estimate. Thats for food and bills :(
Im sitting here in tears cause I have no idea where im going to go or what im going to do. The only thing thats keeping me happy is the little kicks im getting from my baby.
There are no 2 bedroom places advertised at the moment that are that much cheaper than what im paying now, and all the 1 bedrooms are just caravans, which im not moving in to.
It seems like by my ex moving out, things are just getting worse for me, not better.
Edited by StephiG
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High9
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:04am |
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Would you be able to stay with family for a while so you could save some $$ and get a nice place and have a bit of support in those first few months?
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:09am |
Lil_Nic9 wrote:
Would you be able to stay with family for a while so you could save some $$ and get a nice place and have a bit of support in those first few months? |
I dont know. I dont want to ask, I feel like im just going to be a burden. I know my family wont see me that way, but I feel like im meant to be independent now :(
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Plushie
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:15am |
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Things will be rough for you right now - but in the end it will be better for you and your son.
That doesnt seem right, their logic i mean. Hopefully someone who has dealt with Winz will be able to give you some advice, because like RicKer said her rent is only $10 less then hers and im sure she has more then $23 left over!! Don't stress out just yet though, there will be a way around this. I think from 26weeks you can go on the sickness benefit - you say you are already on it, but perhaps switching reasons from anxiety to your pregnancy making you inable to work would be to your benefit. Your midwife will have to give you a medical certificate saying you are unfit to work and you will need to be assessed every 4 weeks. You can remain on this benefit for a short time after the birth as well.
If your family are supportive, would you consider moving home? Its not ideal for many. I moved home about a month ago and my mom has been a lifesaver. I thought i was going to be way to proud to ever come back but after doing the sums it just makes sense for me. And my mom is stoked because she will get to see her grandson so much!
I have been in your exact situation - 20 weeks pregnant and with nowhere to live, no money to start again, nothing but a bump and the knowledge there was a small person in there that i had to take care off. It was the worst feeling in the world - and honestly, i considered adopting baby out because i just felt so incapable of giving him a good life. BUT its all worked out for me and it will do for you as well. Don't give up.
As for custody, no, you don't have to go to court. Me and my ex havent - but we did have a long talk (and i mean about 6 hours long) of what we both wanted for our child and we wrote out what we agreed on and we both have a copy. Its not legal, but hopefully it will cut down on arguements.
I covered things like him being at the birth, him coming to the hospital - things that you don't even question with an SO but when its an ex it might not be the best place for them. For me, i'd rather not ruin the experience of my sons birth by risking a fight with my ex so he won't be there. He's a bit upset but accepts it.
I can tell you other things we've agreed on too if you think it will help. We also drew up a seperate agreement for childsupport (yours will go through winz) and extras he will pay for. I can tell you about that too if you like.
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Plushie
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:17am |
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Oh no, while i wrote my novel you all snuck in around me.
Don't feel like a burden. I pay board to live at home - and will pay more when baby arrives. And my mom is honestly stoked to have me here. My dad died a couple of years ago and if i wasnt here she'd be alone. I pull more then my weight around the house - she is working and i am home so i do the bulk of cooking and cleaning at the moment.
A lot of people in our situation do move home - don't discount the option out of pride or anything. Its a seriously good idea if your parents are up for it.
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:29am |
bowie wrote:
Things will be rough for you right now - but in the end it will be better for you and your son.
That doesnt seem right, their logic i mean. Hopefully someone who has dealt with Winz will be able to give you some advice, because like RicKer said her rent is only $10 less then hers and im sure she has more then $23 left over!! Don't stress out just yet though, there will be a way around this. I think from 26weeks you can go on the sickness benefit - you say you are already on it, but perhaps switching reasons from anxiety to your pregnancy making you inable to work would be to your benefit. Your midwife will have to give you a medical certificate saying you are unfit to work and you will need to be assessed every 4 weeks. You can remain on this benefit for a short time after the birth as well.
If your family are supportive, would you consider moving home? Its not ideal for many. I moved home about a month ago and my mom has been a lifesaver. I thought i was going to be way to proud to ever come back but after doing the sums it just makes sense for me. And my mom is stoked because she will get to see her grandson so much!
I have been in your exact situation - 20 weeks pregnant and with nowhere to live, no money to start again, nothing but a bump and the knowledge there was a small person in there that i had to take care off. It was the worst feeling in the world - and honestly, i considered adopting baby out because i just felt so incapable of giving him a good life. BUT its all worked out for me and it will do for you as well. Don't give up.
As for custody, no, you don't have to go to court. Me and my ex havent - but we did have a long talk (and i mean about 6 hours long) of what we both wanted for our child and we wrote out what we agreed on and we both have a copy. Its not legal, but hopefully it will cut down on arguements.
I covered things like him being at the birth, him coming to the hospital - things that you don't even question with an SO but when its an ex it might not be the best place for them. For me, i'd rather not ruin the experience of my sons birth by risking a fight with my ex so he won't be there. He's a bit upset but accepts it.
I can tell you other things we've agreed on too if you think it will help. We also drew up a seperate agreement for childsupport (yours will go through winz) and extras he will pay for. I can tell you about that too if you like. |
I think its because Ricker is on the DPB and im only on the sickness benefit. You get a lot more being on the DPB. They dont consider my son my child until hes out of my womb (I would beg to differ but whatever lol) I know the max rate for the DPB for one child is something like 270 dollars, where as with sickness its only 161. All up I was only entitled to 313 dollars, which would barely cover my rent. It makes no sense to me why they cant help out more, just for this short period of time until I am eligible for the DPB, but they have their rules set in place and I suppose they cant make an exception for one, otherwise they would have to do it with everyone.
My family are very supportive of me. I dont want to ask to come home though. I feel like now that I am pregnant, I need to be independent. I just feel too proud I guess. I know in the end its the best decision to make just until I can save up a bit of money and get somewhere new to live, but right now I just dont want to ask :( i know I will have to eventually. The only other thing is if I get my ex to just live here (he actually wants to do this....) until I can go on DPB, then he moves out. Hes feeling pretty crap I think, that us breaking up is causing all these problems, but as you said, in the long run it will be better for me and my baby.
I agree with you on the birth thing too. I have told my ex that I dont want him at the birth, as to me, birth is an experience that should be shared with people who love and support you, not just people who are gonna stand in the corner and laugh if you poo or anything embarrasing like that (trust me, he would laugh, then would tell all his mates...real mature) and arent going to support me through the whole experience. He said something along the lines of "its not about you its about the baby" and that got me mad and I said "actually its about me aswell, who the hell do you think has to push this baby out?".He can just deal with not being there. I dont want him there.
I think all that stuff would help :) If you dont mind sharing.
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:30am |
bowie wrote:
Oh no, while i wrote my novel you all snuck in around me.
Don't feel like a burden. I pay board to live at home - and will pay more when baby arrives. And my mom is honestly stoked to have me here. My dad died a couple of years ago and if i wasnt here she'd be alone. I pull more then my weight around the house - she is working and i am home so i do the bulk of cooking and cleaning at the moment.
A lot of people in our situation do move home - don't discount the option out of pride or anything. Its a seriously good idea if your parents are up for it. |
The ONLY reason I dont wanna move home is cause of my step-dad (and cause im too proud). Him and I dont get along, and I know he would hate it if i moved back home. My mum would love it, but he wouldnt, and I know living in that situation would cause me a lot of stress, probably more than I am under living with my ex. I wish he was a different person...but i cant change people
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Plushie
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 11:56am |
I will write more later, but just quickly:
I got my ex to agree to not be at the birth by talking up how magical the moment he first meets his son will be - how it'll be something special to remember the rest of his life and how he will treasure the moment he first holds him etc etc.....and that i'd hate to taint HIS memories with arguements. I spoke a lot about hormones and tiredness and stress and pain from the birth and made it out that if he waited a few days to come see us then HIS experience would be magical.
Basically, made it sound better for him which always works well on my ex.
If you don't want him there the hospital will remove him anyway - tell your midwife you don't want him near you and they'll get rid of him 
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:02pm |
bowie wrote:
I will write more later, but just quickly:
I got my ex to agree to not be at the birth by talking up how magical the moment he first meets his son will be - how it'll be something special to remember the rest of his life and how he will treasure the moment he first holds him etc etc.....and that i'd hate to taint HIS memories with arguements. I spoke a lot about hormones and tiredness and stress and pain from the birth and made it out that if he waited a few days to come see us then HIS experience would be magical.
Basically, made it sound better for him which always works well on my ex.
If you don't want him there the hospital will remove him anyway - tell your midwife you don't want him near you and they'll get rid of him |
Your ex sounds like mine. Anything to do with HIM he will go for. Anything to do with ME, he wont.
Dont worry, I will be telling the hospital I dont want him in the room. He can make a scene if he wants to, its just going to reinforce my decision to not have him there.
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nicandtyler
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:13pm |
I just wanna say big hugs first of all, and I would consider moving home too, im in a bit of tricky situation at the moment too as ex keeps changing his mind about where he wants to go, I wanted to stay here in our place now so i dont have to move DS right before he starts kindy, but now not sure if ex is gonna move out, and I felt like you in that I didnt want to ask for help and move home, but it might just be what you need to do until you can get some more financial help from winz and get a nicer place? Its hard having people that you dont get along with too, but maybe if its just temporary? ANd like bowie said - if you dont want him there he'll get kicked out, my mums a midwife and shes had to do that a few times with guys that arent wanted, but they do leave, and you'll be able to enjoy your birth experience  because whether he likes to admit it or not, it is very much about you, and its important that you're in a good head space during childbirth
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 12:20pm |
nicandtyler wrote:
I just wanna say big hugs first of all, and I would consider moving home too, im in a bit of tricky situation at the moment too as ex keeps changing his mind about where he wants to go, I wanted to stay here in our place now so i dont have to move DS right before he starts kindy, but now not sure if ex is gonna move out, and I felt like you in that I didnt want to ask for help and move home, but it might just be what you need to do until you can get some more financial help from winz and get a nicer place? Its hard having people that you dont get along with too, but maybe if its just temporary? ANd like bowie said - if you dont want him there he'll get kicked out, my mums a midwife and shes had to do that a few times with guys that arent wanted, but they do leave, and you'll be able to enjoy your birth experience because whether he likes to admit it or not, it is very much about you, and its important that you're in a good head space during childbirth |
Yeah im in that same situation too. I want ex to stay so I dont have to leave this house. That seems like the only way. This house is all set up for me, bubs room is all set up (decorations on the walls, cot set up, everything), I dont want to have to up and move. Once im on the DPB I can afford to live here easily, but i just need him to stay here until I bubs is born then he can move out. I know it would be stressful him being here, but I am feeling this whole moving home, getting everything all organised stuff is just more stress for me to handle :( another problem is that there is no room at mums for my stuff. I have so many things, and their shed is full. So I have nowhere to put it (their house isnt that big, so nowhere inside either).
I am just txting him now, very upset about everything, and I sent him a very heartfelt message about how I am feeling, and he just said "Sorry, my mates here" and im like "right...so thats more important than what I am trying to say to you...got it". I just hate how he puts me second. Im carrying his baby :( And im always second in line.
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HuntersMama
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 5:21pm |
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I know it is hard, and there will no doubt be more challenges coming up which really sux.
My DH left when DS was 7 months old. I was working part time and had to work full time to pay the bills, but ended up selling our dream home as I didnt want to be constantly broke paying off a huge mortgage. That was hearbreaking - I had designed the cutest room for bubs and my 80 year old Poppa spent weeks jibbing, painting, hanging curtains etc to get it just right.
Ive moved back home with my mum so I can save and get the kind of place I want to live in with DS in the future. Keep your eye on the end goal, and while it might not be ideal right now, it will be worth it in the end.
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Plushie
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 7:59pm |
I remember seeing pictures of your nursury - but its not too late to move.
I would recommend you do move - living with your ex is only going to solve one problem: money. You will either get back together with him and have to go through this later on down the road, you will get back together with him for one night only and complicate your relationship or you will fight like rabid animals and stress yourself out which is not good for either you or baby.
I would say step1: make an appointment with WINZ and go in to see a case worker in person. Explain your change in situation, and make it clear that moving would cause hardship and undue stress on you at a fragile time in your life. See what they say, if they can offer you ANYTHING to help you.
If they can't then you will have to move and its better to do it now then putting it off until you're really heavily pregnant. Other options: taking on a short term flatmate to help pay for the house until you can go on the DPB and afford it alone.
If you have to go home then it might help your head (and your stepdads head) to put a time limit on it. Say you move in now and you will move out before bubs is a year old. That way you both know that its not a permanent solution. (you can always extend this later if you have to )
Agree to pay board/rent and contribue to the chores equally. That means you won't feel a burden and your stepdad won't feel like you're in his space or taking advantage.
Space will be an issue - i am sharing a room with my baby which plunket recommends anyway - and its taken some creative arranging to fit both of us in but we'll manage. Sell everything you don't need or love and save the money. Sell everything that you and your ex own together (or make him buy out your half). Then you'll have less things to store and more money for essentials (or save it for a bond on a new house when the time comes).
Give your mom and stepdad space - have a tv in your room and watch it in there for example - occasionally. Go out with friends when you can. If you're all locked into a house together with no break you're more likely to fight then if you give each other lots of space.
I know its really really hard not to fall back to the person you're used to relying on when you're upset - i've been there and almost had to cut my hands off not to txt my ex when we first split and i was feeling down. When you need to tell someone how you feel talk to a friend, or write it out here. It'll make you feel better then telling him and getting a lame-ass reply.
Edited by bowie
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Stephi
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 8:41pm |
bowie wrote:
I remember seeing pictures of your nursury - but its not too late to move.
I would recommend you do move - living with your ex is only going to solve one problem: money. You will either get back together with him and have to go through this later on down the road, you will get back together with him for one night only and complicate your relationship or you will fight like rabid animals and stress yourself out which is not good for either you or baby.
I would say step1: make an appointment with WINZ and go in to see a case worker in person. Explain your change in situation, and make it clear that moving would cause hardship and undue stress on you at a fragile time in your life. See what they say, if they can offer you ANYTHING to help you.
If they can't then you will have to move and its better to do it now then putting it off until you're really heavily pregnant. Other options: taking on a short term flatmate to help pay for the house until you can go on the DPB and afford it alone.
If you have to go home then it might help your head (and your stepdads head) to put a time limit on it. Say you move in now and you will move out before bubs is a year old. That way you both know that its not a permanent solution. (you can always extend this later if you have to )
Agree to pay board/rent and contribue to the chores equally. That means you won't feel a burden and your stepdad won't feel like you're in his space or taking advantage.
Space will be an issue - i am sharing a room with my baby which plunket recommends anyway - and its taken some creative arranging to fit both of us in but we'll manage. Sell everything you don't need or love and save the money. Sell everything that you and your ex own together (or make him buy out your half). Then you'll have less things to store and more money for essentials (or save it for a bond on a new house when the time comes).
Give your mom and stepdad space - have a tv in your room and watch it in there for example - occasionally. Go out with friends when you can. If you're all locked into a house together with no break you're more likely to fight then if you give each other lots of space.
I know its really really hard not to fall back to the person you're used to relying on when you're upset - i've been there and almost had to cut my hands off not to txt my ex when we first split and i was feeling down. When you need to tell someone how you feel talk to a friend, or write it out here. It'll make you feel better then telling him and getting a lame-ass reply.
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Gosh thank you so much for all the help! Its so appreciated, especially when I dont have really anywhere else to turn to!
Im hoping if I go into WINZ they will help me out :( I just dont want to leave this place, its so good for me and bubs! But if I have to I will. If its whats best and if WINZ cant help me out then I have decided I will go back to my parents, at least for a bit until I can afford a place of my own again :)
The sad thing for me, is that I dont have any friends here. All my old friends that lived here are just..idk...i cant hang out with them or talk to them, they are all too busy getting drunk or high (they were never like this when I hung out with them) and I just dont feel like im that immature to do that stuff. I have a baby on the way now and need to place myself with people that are good for me and baby. And those people just arent it! I envy those who have many friends, I wish I had someone there for support. I cant wait to start getting into antenatal classes and things like that, so I can meet new people! Its hard not having anyone to talk to. Thats why I come here, and I have a really amazing online friend who I have known for years who I talk to a lot about things.
I have decided not to txt him anymore, unless its about baby and things like that. Its whats best. I want to be civil with him, but only when he grows up a bit.
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Shelt
Senior Member
Joined: 17 May 2008
Location: Tauranga
Points: 1181
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Posted: 15 January 2011 at 8:46pm |
Big hugs! I know the situation sucks right now but you will get through it and you will be a stronger person in the end for your baby. Its not easy but you need to look around and see what help you can get and then ask for it. Not sure where you live but in Tauranga there is a Single Parents Support Foundation and you can go to them and ask for help and advice.
Re the house thing, I agree with bowie. Living with your ex will only end in tears one way or another. That said, if I were you I would go to WINZ and explain what your situation is and see if there is anything at all they can do for you till you can go on the DPB. Any temporary allowance or anything at all. Is there any way you can earn any money at all - can you do telemarketing or sell stuff on Trademe to make some cash to tide you over. Are you able to get a flatmate?
Re the living with your parents thing - my husband and I split up when my DD was 11 months old and I had to move back in with my parents (and I'm still here 14 months later...). Don't underestimate the value of the emotional support that they may provide for you. It isn't easy on your own and having other people around esp your mum may cushion you a little bit in the first few weeks after your baby is born. I didn't want to move home either, I left at 18 and had no plans to ever go back! My dad and I do not have a particularly easy relationship either but he has proved to be very helpful with Gabrielle and she loves him to bits.
Just keep in mind that there are ways around everything they are just not easy to see. Sometimes you have to think outside the square a bit or do things that you might not otherwise have considered. My councellor said to me that I should try and imagine that life is a river and instead of struggling against it all the time I should float with the current. Just let stuff happen and remember that everything passes in time.
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Newly single and VERY worried.
April '11
