Too harsh?
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: Kindy and Beyond
Forum Description: So you've survived the sleepless nights and toddler tantrums, now the fun really begins! Talk to other parents of older children here!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=16921
Printed Date: 24 November 2024 at 4:56am
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Topic: Too harsh?
Posted By: Maya
Subject: Too harsh?
Date Posted: 04 May 2008 at 7:50pm
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I was in the kitchen this afternoon and Maya came in to tell me the gremlins were pulling all the baby wipes out of the box (yes, they are feral). I told her to take the wipes off them and put them up on the shelf where they can't get to them.
Five minutes later I hear Willie yelling and go in to find ALL the wet wipes all over the floor and Maya sitting watching/laughing at them. So I sent her to her room and told her she can use her pocket money to buy more wet wipes on the grounds that she *knew* what they were doing was wrong, and that I had told her how to fix the situation, and instead she chose to watch them coz she thought it was funny. Is that too harsh? I know I could have gone in and taken the wet wipes off them myself, but she IS five and I didn't think it was too much to ask? Also, any tips on how to stop her yelling at them? I rarely yell at my kids (I usually huff and puff in frustration and mutter under my breath instead) but whenever she sees them doing something mischievous she yells at them, and it's not really how I'd like to parent them. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Replies:
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 04 May 2008 at 8:33pm
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Hmmm I might have sent her for time out as well, because it was not doing what you said. But I don't think I'd get her to pay for them as well. She's the big sister, but sometimes she needs to enjoy them as sisters not just be their "other boss".
Of course you can probably tell that I'm a big sister who was often left in charge!  ------------- |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 04 May 2008 at 8:43pm
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you cant go back on the pocket money thing, once its said its a done deal...
you might have possibly been a bit harsh... but it wouldnt have been too hard for her to take the pack off them instead of watching them. with regards to her yelling at them i guess you will have to keep telling her not to...but if you are getting her to do things in the way of looking after them - lets use the wipes as an example, not a good one albeit but it will do - then i think it reasonable to think she will expect to be able to "parent" them in other respects too. it may also just be her personality as she tries to "parent" the boys too and that is going to be hard to change. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 04 May 2008 at 9:05pm
I think it definitely is a personality thing, she's a control freak like her mama  She even does it with her friends. She has a really overexaggerated sense of what is right and wrong and sees herself as the enforcer and/or the tell tale.
She's not generally expected to be their "boss", I actually try to discourage that coz they are quite difficult atm behaviour wise so I want to be consistent with them and that's easiest if I parent them and not her, but there are situations in which she is "in charge" of them - for example if they are all playing together and I am getting dinner. I guess what really annoyed me was that she had come and told me about it, been given a response then completely ignored it. Had she not come in to me first and just sat there and watched them I would probably have said "why didn't you come and tell me" but I wouldn't have blamed her so to speak. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 04 May 2008 at 10:17pm
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Harsh or not I think the most important thing is that you stick to it to show her you mean business. I mean, if it is too harsh (and I don't know if it is or not to be honest) then it's not like it's waaayyy OTT, know what I mean? About the yelling thing, I've no idea sorry. Maybe in 4 years time I'd know a thing or 2 on it? ... by when you'll be dishing out advice on how to manage your tween!! ARGH! ------------- Andie |
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 05 May 2008 at 6:25pm
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Yep don't go back on taking the money out of her pocket money as it *should* teach her a lesson. I did this to Andrew after he took chocolate from the supermarket - he hasn't done it since. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 05 May 2008 at 9:25pm
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I think its too harsh. She is five and not responsible for them. I'd tell her you've thought it over and this time you won't take her pocket money off her to pay for a replacement but that you are upset that she saw what was going on and didn't take the wipes off them. Maybe you could say 'in this family we help each other and sometimes Mummy needs you to tell her if the twins are getting into mischief' or 'in this house we speak nicely to each other'. Rethinking when you've cooled down after you've acted out of anger is different from going back on your word. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: nictoddie
Date Posted: 07 May 2008 at 7:53am
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Gosh I don't think it is too harsh you asked her to go and take them off them and she did not she chose to sit and watch them have fun with them lol, that is what you said you would do and stick to it, it may make her think, 5 year olds are funny things now that I have one as of today, mine gets so invovled in what he is doing that I have to ask him about 3 times to do something, or maybe it's the male thing with selective hearing, she did come and tell you what they were doing and you did ask her to take them off them. ------------- 
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 11 May 2008 at 6:04am
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Sorry Em but i think that it was way too harsh...she is FIVE and YOU are the parent NOT her....it is up to you to stop the gremlins not her. She came and told you cause you are the mummy! She does tend to parent them at your request and that is not necessary....
next time stop and think and go and tell them off....dont leave it to a five year old. and yes take back that pocket money comment...in fact buy her something to apologise. |
Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 11 May 2008 at 1:51pm
| I dont think you were too harsh Emma |
Posted By: yummymummy
Date Posted: 11 May 2008 at 8:16pm
Gina loves pulling wipes out of boxes too. My mum buys her boxes of nose tissues just to watch her pull them all out 
Sorry no help - just wanted to say Maya isn't the only one that finds it funny (although my mum's name is Maya too  )------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 11 May 2008 at 8:32pm
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ouch BS, talk about harsh ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 6:18am
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come on Maya is five.....!!!! if she was 15 maybe but we are the parents not the first borns! and with another one coming Emma wont want Miss Maya to resent her later and tell everyone that she had to raise her little sisters.....I say let her step back now....you hear of the oldest kids having to step in way too much and we have all seen maya do it....shes not the mum.
Emma knows I love her!!!! 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 10:52am
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i DONT think that YELLING at emma was very nice BS.
as a parent of more than one child i too have found myself telling the older one to take something off the younger one when i am busy and it is not an unreasonable request at all. also i think that we cant make an informed statement like "She does tend to parent them at your request and that is not necessary.... " based on seeing someone in social situations only. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: JPP
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 12:46pm
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Emma - not harsh at all, in fact I'm probably a tad guilty of asking more of my older son in regards to watching his younger brother, like dinner time and shower time etc..
The punishment was for not doing as you asked not for what the twins had done and quite honestly similar to what I would do in the same situation.  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://daisypath.com">
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 2:06pm
oh i hear ya Emma!!! Bay will come and tell me about Astin doing something but instead he'll go back an laugh or egg him on!!! GGRRR and i DO tell him to take it off him because that is NOT a hard task for a 4-5 yr old to do and they should comprehend.
BTW - Astin is a freak about "NEEDING" to pull ALL the wipes out of the packet!!
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Posted By: arohanui
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 2:07pm
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I don't think it's too harsh - considering she knew it was wrong and came and told you about it, and chose not to follow your directions. Sure it probably would have been best if you did it yourself, but heck at 30 weeks pregnant and busy in the kitchen I would have done the same thing!! You were only asking her to take them off and I don't think it was an unreasonable request at all. It's not as though you were asking her to put them in timeout or anything. ------------- Mama to DS1 (5 years), DS2 (3 years) and... http://alterna-tickers.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 2:23pm
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Whoa back up the truck! That seems a really small issue to be turned into a 'making the child be the parent' debate! (in fact I don't know that it even should be an issue to start with). Older siblings do do extra little jobs around the house, that's just the way it is. Mums can't be everywhere at once - sure if we really want we can keep our child in our sight and take care of every little issue that pops up if we have the one... but more than one and that's just not possible, is it. ------------- Andie |
Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 3:58pm
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DEb Im not going to argue with you - we all know what happens with those threads...
Emma asked for opinions....she got them....whether you or anyone or emma agrees she asked! As for yelling...Sorry i dont do THAT to yell...it is to pinpoint wordings....guess each has different views of things on the net.....I wasnt yellin... |
Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 5:34pm
To be honest I agree with this...surely if she is old enough to come to you knowing it is wrong, surely she is old enough to follow an instruction to at least try to take them off the gremlins. I guess I see it as no different to other times we would ask our kids to do something and tell them off if they ignore us. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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arohanui wrote:Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 6:40pm
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As a parent of only 1 child right now (so with no experience in this area yet), I don't think it's harsh at all Emma.. I can't think of any situation in my own family or friends where an older sibling wasn't asked to help out with everyday things relating to the younger ones... what's wrong with teaching some responsibility and consequences?
BS, I know this is not the debate itself, but I have to agree with Deb regarding your comments to Emma. As much as she's asking for opinions on this issue...you take it a bit far in pretty much lecturing/berating her on her parenting skills. To compare, Jaz also thought it was too harsh but her comments didn't come across the same way yours did. It reminded me of another thread where you told her off for being too hard on Willie cause he's such a great hands on father yadda yadda so that's why I feel like saying something this time... Just food for thought. Not trying to be a sh*t stirrer. |
Posted By: Brenna
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 7:01pm
 well said------------- My beautiful 2 girls...nearly 4 and 13 months
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Posted By: Bombshell
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 7:46pm
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ah but you guys are --and it is the same people as always Deb and Pepsi.....
my comments are based on what I have seen of Emma and her family....can only base it on that...and respond to her request for comments...again this is a forum open to discussion pull your heads in and stop attacking me for nothing....I have a right to express myself on here too....and often do where others wont.... funny how Deb YOU especially seem to attack others willy nillie then moan to all and sundry when people do it to you....get over yourselves....this is a web forum...some of us have met IRL and know others to comment and some not....but at least let us have our say too....and dont attack us for it....gosh i wonder why newbies feel they cant make comment on here...we cant all stand around boosting each others egos for the hell of it. I stand by my comment...I think it was too harsh to expect a five year old to step in and parent the gremlins and then punish her...to answer Emmas original question |
Posted By: pepsi
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 8:10pm
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I really wasn't trying to sh*t stir... I thought I was being pretty nice actually *shrug*. There are plenty of us who spend time with Emma, and apparently we percieve things differently. It is unsupportive comments like yours which can put off newbies, not the words of others being defensive of their friends.
Oh well. Seems you don't take it as well as you dish it out. |
Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 8:40pm
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What an absurd assumption to think that Emma expects Maya to parent the gremlins!
You obviously do not know Emma at all to make a comment like that! I agree 100% that this is an open forum and that you are entitled to answer a post with your opinion - BUT, when your comment is so jaded and of such an attacking nature, perhaps for the benefit of all you should keep your opinion to yourself! Especially if you don't appreciate that Emma's friends are going to correct you whole heartedly!!!! Parenting is a hard enough job (regardless how many kids you have) so I think we should leave the personal attacks for offline mutterings under our breaths and give a bit of support. And now to answer Emma's original question. No, not harsh at all. Maya made a decision that what she saw was wrong and she chose to tell you, you gave a simple instruction which she choose to disregard - that should be punished. Each child responds differently to a method of punishment and if holding back on the pocket money is what works with Maya, then so be it! I also think that once you have made a statement like that about a punishment you MUST uphold that or else the child will learn very quickly that you back down and will try it again at every opportunity and then the wipe fiasco will be the least of your worries!  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 9:01pm
| out of curiosity emma,what did you deicde to do after all that? |
Posted By: Shorty
Date Posted: 12 May 2008 at 9:31pm
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I do not feel it is too harsh, you have worked with Maya for 5 years now and the parenting style works for you.
As for the rest of you, I feel when asked for an opinion in a situation you should comment on that not throw a personal sl*g at the person placing the question. The fact that some of you are great friends is irrevelant steady on and show some heart. I love and admire some of you...and as for some well you just don't deserve the breath |
Posted By: marielb
Date Posted: 13 May 2008 at 6:55pm
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I don't feel you were harsh Emma.
Sometimes too, we make decisions on the spot and then regret it later (not saying thats the case in this situation) but thats life and thats being a parent! I'm interested to know what you did afterall too. Did you just leave it?  ------------- Isaac is 6, Ethan is 4, Rico is 2 and Hunter is almost 1! |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 13 May 2008 at 9:05pm
I stuck by what I said. Regardless of whether it was too harsh or not I'm a big believer in consistency and sticking to what I say, otherwise they learn really quickly that they can get away with murder. Plus I talked to my mum and she reckoned it was a fair call, and I trust her judgement... ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Andie
Date Posted: 14 May 2008 at 8:19am
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Fair enough, too. Good on ya! ------------- Andie |
Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 14 May 2008 at 8:28am
| Good on you Emma |
Posted By: marielb
Date Posted: 15 May 2008 at 9:17am
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------------- Isaac is 6, Ethan is 4, Rico is 2 and Hunter is almost 1! |
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 18 May 2008 at 10:23pm
i dont think it was harsh at all, i often ask my 5yr old to take things off jett or move them, shes not his "other boss" shes his big sister so i feel she should also be setting an example of what is right and wrong as hes going to copy what he sees her doing. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: kiwigal
Date Posted: 19 May 2008 at 1:03pm
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Emma I don't think you were too harsh at all she told you what the twins were up to and politely told her to put them up high but she made a choice to ignore you. |