WWYD - Dinner time
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: Toddler Times
Forum Description: Is bubs growing up and getting into everything? How do you train them to use the potty? When do you start feeding solids? Share your tips and advice here!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=18466
Printed Date: 03 March 2025 at 2:46pm
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Topic: WWYD - Dinner time
Posted By: FionaS
Subject: WWYD - Dinner time
Date Posted: 22 June 2008 at 10:19pm
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Another question from me (I go through these phases...sorry!)
Picture this: It's dinner time, table is nicely set, meal is served. Everyone sits at the table. Toddler who was happy a moment ago looks at meal and starts throwing wobbly. Wants to get down. Gets down and proceeds to cry hysterically pulling at mummy to get down and read a story. Mummy calmly explains it is dinner time and she can sit with mum and dad to eat, or go and play on her own. Toddler continues to cry and pull at mummy. Does Mummy take her for some time out? Give up on dinner and read the story? Eat dinner ignoring the toddler pulling at her and crying hysterically? Our day is JAM PACKED with episodes like this. I think time out is probably the best option but want to get some moral support from you lovely ladies  ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Replies:
Posted By: EmDee
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:24am
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Arr I can picture that well as its happened to us many a time, and I have no idea why!?!
What I do (and by no way am I saying this is the 'right' thing to do) is explain to him that its dinner time and that mum & dad are going to eat their dinner. He can either join us or if he's not hungry he can go and play. If he carries on performing I ignore his behaviour and carry on eating dinner. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread for ideas from other mums. ------------- DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2 |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 8:09am
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Well I certainly wouldn't let her get her own way, because then you start a habit if she figures out that each time she has a temper tantrum that you'll give in and read to her.
I definitely think you should explain to her that it's dinner time and nothing will be happening until dinner is finished, she can chose to join you or she can spend time in her room until you've finished dinnner. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 8:16am
It's a real pain. She has been SO strong willed and so persistent since she was a tiny baby. She is not one to settle quickly so if she gets upset it really does often take hours to get her settled again (unless you do what she wants of course and then she settles quickly but throws these wobblies over everything). She started really asserting herself this way at about 11 months. If she wants / doesn't want something she is very loud and persistent about it. We've been pretty consistent in how we deal with it so I'm amazed we haven't had more success. Ah well, looks like we may have to have hours of tears and time spent in the room over the next few weeks while I try being even tougher.  ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 8:18am
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Michaela sits next to me at the dinner table an often tries to climb into my lap, and tugs at my hair and clothes etc. I just tell her mummy's eating dinner, she's welcome to sit next to me but can't sit with me and then I ignore her for the rest of the meal. If she wants to get down from the table that's fine, I'm still ignoring her. She also knows that if she doesn't even try to eat dinner I assume she's not hungry and she doesn't get anything else so although she may get down from the table briefly she often climbs back up again to eat her meal. I agree with Mel that if you let her get her own way you're setting up a habit. -------------  
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 8:37am
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If I just ignore her, she will absolutely scream right through our entire meal and pull and tug at us. So should I put her in her room? ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 8:41am
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Oh and as she never eats anything she is served at dinner time I guess we are being too hopeful that family dinners can happen. We try to eat when she has gone to bed but sometimes e.g. lunch on the weekends we serve our food at the same time as hers.
She didn't eat at all yesterday...nothing. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: caraMel
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 8:58am
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Benjy has only done a full blown tanty at dinnertime a handful of times but, like Elle, when he does it he is inconsolable.
The only thing that worked was putting him into his cot for 5-10 minutes time out and shutting the door. Then I go up and ask if he is ready to sit and eat with us and we try again. If he didn't eat then I'd put him back for another timeout and if he still wouldn't eat it would be bedtime. I've stolen Nikki's children/food mantra. 'Its our job to provide the food and their job to eat it' It has taken so much of the stress out of mealtimes for me! ------------- Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and: 
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Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 9:25am
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Yes you will need to be tougher and stronger on her if you want some peace while you are eating.
Maybe warn her and if she continues then put her in her cot and close the door. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 9:54am
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Thanks Mel. That is what we are doing at present and I know it is the right thing but it can be hard (mainly because she's always been miserable so we have that little niggle in our minds that there could be something wrong / sore which complicates thing)s. Maybe i'll try to banish those thoughts and deal with it as though it is 100% behavioural. At the moment, her constant cying is really putting a dampner on our home. Everything is dictated or tainted by it and I don't think it should be that way. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 11:36am
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let me share our dinner time last night...
we all sat down and immediatley toby starts... "i dont want dinner" and pushes his plate away and cries and says he wants to sit on my knee, when i say no i'm eating my tea he cries and screams... i try to ignore him and have a conversation with gabriel about stuff, toby continues screaming and then decides to get down from the table.. in our house tho the rule is we all sit at the table till we all have finished. tell toby sit down but he keeps screaming and trying to run into the lounge. so then we take him and put him in his room and walk away and tell him when he stops screaming he can come back or stay in his room. the meal finished with toby sitting nicely at the table and even eating some of his previoulsy unwanted dinner. But we did have to put him in h is room several times ... the trick (with toby anyway) is to ignore the screaming and be consistent. It can be hard tho and even gabriel was getting annoyed at the screaming.... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 12:01pm
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I guess I never expected to have such a strong willed child, considering DH and my personalities and temperaments. It's hard having a kid that is pre-disposed to misery even when you are a good parent as you start to doubt yourself e.g. have I created this behaviour. I ask myself that question all the time! The truth is that some kids are just like this for a period, despite having capably and consistent parents. I guess they'll be the movers and shakers of the world one day! ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Kelpa
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 12:15pm
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Eeek.....we are a bit naughty...Blake either gets put in his chair on his messy mat with his dinner in front of tv.................before the rest of us and sits there happily doing whatever with his food.........
Or he sits in his chair when we all sit down in front of tv and can yell and scream he wants ours (which is usually exactly the same) and we have all decided to ignore him. If we do decide to get him out he usually hangs around and wants our food and we are at the stage now of just telling him NO and to go and play instead of performing like a Seagull. I know dinner time is supposed to be at table and not with tv on but we like watching the news.....and I fully believe as did it with Paige too....dinner at table time can wait til we all big enough and old enough to actually have a conversation rather than a tedious time with toddler! -------------  
 
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 12:21pm
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Yeah, in some ways I agree and as Elle won't even TRY ANY dinner dishes (other than omlets) we don't do it often but as we've been sick, tired etc, we've been eating when she is up rather than waiting until she is in bed. This is just an example to. These events happen all day long. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 1:57pm
I agree, maybe you are expecting too much of her to sit at the table and eat with you. What if you fed her first and then you and DH can have some quiet time together? If it's Omelettes shes wanting maybe you should just give them to her for now, that way it takes the stress out of meal times for all of you. ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3)
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Kelpa wrote:Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 2:03pm
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As I said, we do NOTexpect her to sit and eat (probably only try once a week) but very occassionally I need to eat or do something similar around the house and dont' like doing it with her screaming and pulling at my legs. My exmaple was just one to illustrate the behaviour we have all day long everytime I try to do something other than play with her. DH and I were exhasted and starving and had DH's parents over and they had bought dinner so we wanted to eat it then and there and she just screamed and performed. We usually wait until she is bed. Generally she eats on her own at her small table (with me sitting with her). ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 2:11pm
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Ooo sorry, my last reply sounded a little short (I'm at work and sneaking on here...naughty!)
I think the my questions has been answered...I've gotta be tougher. And yes I will continue to feed her first most of the time but on the odd occasion DH and I want to sit down for a moment when she is up, we will use a warning then some thinking time if she performs. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 2:16pm
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Isla is like this most of the day too. I have recently been able to finally put a load of washing on or do the dishes,..and actually finish the task, with less and less grizzling/hanging of my legs/ crying etc etc.
I asked daycare for ideas on how to help her behaviour, and I have become much stricter, and its really working. I include her as much as I can in the jobs Im doing, which often means it takes a lot longer, or I have extra clearing up to do afterwards, but its worth it. I was saying "mummy just needs to do x Isla, then I will come and play',..but then after the crying continued I would give in before I was finished,...now Im much firmer. If we are out at the supermarket or music or anything, all it needs now is for me to say "be a good girl Isla or we will go home' in a deep serious tonne, at her level with her looking at me, and she behaves',..this is like a miracle. She now knows its my way only..where before she would keep crying and I would give in,..by lifting her out of the trolley, giveing her what she wanted, stopping wat I was ding etc,...so all she learnt was that if I cry longer soon I will get what I want. |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 2:19pm
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This is a new stage for us, although it has come and gone from time to time. Ironically, it all started when I decided to have a week where we did lots of special activities together! She used to be very independent and I could easily get things done. As with everything, this is just a phase I'm sure...at least it will be providing I deal with it correctly! Thanks kellz. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 2:34pm
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Fiona, Michaela used to perform like an idiot when other people came to dinner. She hated having guests there, even if the guest was her nana. Now that her nana comes over for dinner every weekend she's got used to it, and she's actually a lot better since I stopped putting her in her high chair.
I find with my strong willed child that consistency is the key. I can't change her routine or the way I deal with things simply because it's easier at that given moment. Maybe the key for Elle is that the routine is different due to different people being there and you've said that you only expect her to sit down and eat about once per week. With strong willed children it's all or nothing. I think to combat the example you gave us you either need to get her sitting at the big table every meal time, no exceptions, or you sit with her at the little table (or whatever it is she normally does at mealtimes) even when you have guests over.
Elle is still at the testing the boundaries age to see how far she can push you (I know that sounds mean but it's the truth) I am 99.9% positive that the issues are behavioural and it's simply a phase which shows she's progressing normally, not a reflection on your parenting. The important thing is that you and DH work out your expectations, when you have a calm moment (without Elle around to wreck havoc), discuss scenarios and agree with DH how you will handle situations and then stick to the plan. The problem with toddlers is that if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. She'll continue to test boundaries forever, and that's a good thing you don't want to raise a sheep, but by communicating to her what's ok and what's not now she'll file the information away and quickly learn it's not worth trying to push your buttons as it won't work. I agree with Kellz, you have to be strict but decide when to be strict and when to include her and decide in advance so that there is consistency.
My mum said about me as a baby/toddler that they quickly learnt they'd never met anyone more stubborn and so they had to be smarter.
I'm sorry if this post has come across as a bit harsh I've just lost my eloquence recently.
Kelpa, we have the TV on during dinnertime too. On weeknights it's just Michaela and I and we sit side by side at the big table facing the TV across the room. Michaela doesn't talk much so I don't expect conversation from her and this way she's happy to sit in one place for awhile. Every now and then she leans over and whispers some baby talk into my ear - it's very sweet.
eta: sorry for the novel -------------
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 3:25pm
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Yeah the dinner thing was just an example of a behaviour we get in a variety of situations. Dinner time is a disaster and I know that hence why I find ways around it. I don't see the point in fighting over dinner, hence why I give her a good variety of food during the day. It was just the clearest example I could use to demonstrate the behaviour in question.
I have read Diane Levy's book and several others so am very well educated on the variety of methods available for me to use and DH and I are both clear on the direction we want to take (and have been taking). I think part of the problem is her night wakings. She is awake for hours at night, then wants to sleep in, then wants to nap late etc etc. I've decided that from now on she gets woken at 7.30am even if she's been awake from 2am to 6.30am. We need order back in our day (within reason of course) as days like today she gets up at 9, naps at 3 and the evening will be horrendous. I've let things slide a bit to see if her body clock will sort itself out but it clearly won't. If I can get her back into a clear cut routine it will help her know what to expect next at each stage of the day. Our routine used to be fabulously consistent until the extended night wakings started! Hmmm, so what am I saying...I'm saying that I know academically what we need to do, I just like to check in with the experts (you lot) as several brains are better than one (especially when the one brain is sleep deprived!) ETA - my first example was better than my subsequent explanations. DH and I sit down to eat lunch on the weekend, we offer for her to join us and she refuses but then doesn't want us to sit and eat, she wants us to read to her so screams and pulls at us. I don't think it is unreasonable for DH and I to be able to sit and eat our lunch and hence that if she won't sit with us or play on her own for those brief 5 or 10mins, time out is the best option. Despite all the confusions in this thread I think we all agree on that! That'll teach me for posting from work! ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: katie1
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 3:53pm
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Your questions are great Fiona and everyones answers always helps me heaps. I guess we all have similar issues and it is so good to get reassurance from others. Ollie is also really strong willed and I can relate to what you are saying. I have just started trying to be stronger and more consistent with tantrums, dinner time issues and I found this thread really helpful.
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 3:58pm
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Thanks for the feedback Katie. I do in part post as I do believe there are others other there going through the same things. When you have a strong willed kid it is easy to feel isolated and like your doing a bad job as a parent when in fact you're doing a great job. So glad this thread helped :)
I like bouncing ideas of others and getting input...it's so valuable to hear what others think. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 4:52pm
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see i believe in having meals together if possible. obviously she would prefer to be with you than apart so to me making her go and play by herself so you can eat isnt fair, better to serve up the meal all sit together and model how you want the meal to go... even involving her in the conversation. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 5:07pm
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I agree with having family meals too and it will be an important value in hour home but so far in our parenting journey we've found that Elle won't always like the same things as us (yet although I am sure she will eventually enjoy family meals). We've found we have to make some concessions while she is young when things are clearly not working.
We eat breakfast and lunch together during the week but dinner is just so hard, and she gets so upset so it seems easier to have it separately (esp since DH doesn't get home until nearer to 7pm). Are you suggesting that DH and I never sit down for a drink or snack when Elle is up? We ALWAYS, always include her, make her a fluffy, chat with her etc, but most of the time she doesn't want to know. I got a lot of effort to present her meal in a really special way etc but she just throws a wobbly if all 3 of us sit together (she is ok with just me). We tried consistently for several weeks but it wasn't improving so we stick with having dinner separately until she is old enough to not be exhausted by the time DH gets home. It's not really about meals...it's about the general behaviour of crying hysterically everytime she wants something. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Kellz
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:29pm
| We always have dinner after Isla is in bed. She still eats diff food from us and never lasts later than 5pm for dinner,...DH is never homw before %.25pm,..so it suits us this way. Once she can last til 6pm we intend to all have dinner as a family. |
Posted By: Kelpa
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:29pm
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All I can say Hun and comes from my own experience as Mum and Nanny to quite a few by now...
You really have to be strict and let her know who is boss...how life will be..when she is going to sleep..what she is going to eat and if she is not going to participate...well she can miss out or learn what happens when she doesnt .....Blake frequently goes to bed after eating two peas or a piece of apple for dinner cause he just wont even try what we are all having...I know he wont starve so doesnt bother me anymore. As far as sleeping...if either of them have even bothered to try the whole night waking business..they got tucked in..not looked at and told "Its night time...go back to sleep" They soon learn if they know there are boundaries etc....Being strict and assertive with little people is the best thing you can do at this age else you will have something worse to deal with when they are older. Have you checked out any of the Baby and Toddler books or maybe the other Parenting websites...they have great information! -------------
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 6:32pm
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Yeah Kelpa, Elle doesn't get any attention in the night, she just plays for hours on her own.
And yeap, read plenty of books so know the theory very very well. We're pretty clued up academically in this house...nerdy intellectuals here  ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: katie1
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:06pm
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He He! So many books out there aren't there!
We also do dinner at seven once Ollie is in bed. We will start family evening meals a bit later on when he is older. We always ate as a family growing up and I love that idea. However for now we have decided that it works better for him and his routine to have his dinner at five, then bath, stories and tucked in bed by six thirty. We'll do the same as you Kellz and later all eat at 6.00 too. I think sometimes you just have to do what works. |
Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:23pm
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This is coming from a total newbie to motherhood here, but I find these topics interesting just in case I go through something similar as my children grow up!
Just a thought from a novice, do you think that perhaps Elle is jealous of you sharing your attention with DH at mealtime, as I imagine at mealtimes is when DW's and DH's catch up on the days event as you would expect??!! As I say I am no expert here, I was just thinking from a different angle IYKWIM especially since you say she is o.k when its just you around at dinner time? Please ignore me if you think I am talking complete bollocks  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:29pm
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Yeah she is really funny when DH is home. She gets much more demanding and grumpy and "possessive" of me. Dunno why as she is very very much included when we are both home...in cuddles, meals, conversations, games. When he gets home she gets full-on and is constantly asking for me and insisting I do the things DH used to do e.g. the bath. It's been this way for 3 weeks. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: peachy
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:42pm
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Perhaps she is feeling threatened by the fact that DH takes some of your attention, so by misbehaving like this she gets your full attention back as you have to deal with her. Gosh what a hard situation.
Hmmm now you have identified that this could be part of the problem and now I have no advice on how to deal with or fix it for you! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 23 June 2008 at 7:47pm
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I thought it was separation anxiety but apparently it is highly uncommon at this age. She just wants me all the time. She was fine with him one night then the next didn't want to know him. I'm sure it is just a phase. But yeah, she is definately more unsettled when he is home ATM.
(and this is probably not necessary to say but he is a wonderful gentle man so it's definately nothing to do with him as such). ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 7:46pm
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I'd ignore. Pick her up and put her away from you if you need to, but I think time out would be giving her the attention she wants.
Does she eat dinner with you at all? Why is she not hungry? is she needing to be in bed by that time? -------------  |
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 8:27pm
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She is hungry busymum but is stubborn. We cut out all snacks except some fruit for a couple of weeks and yet she would still refuse to eat any dinner and would go to bed hungry so I have reverted to giving a variety of healthy snacks during the day. She has just decided she won't try anything that resembles a savory meal i.e. she won't let it near her mouth and if we get it that far she spits it out. Yes we've tried offering the veges etc at various times of the day, yes we've tried finger foods, mashed foods, everything. She has just made up her mind she won't eat it.
Elle and I eat b'fast and lunch together every day and I sit with her when she has something at dinner time (I often eat my dinner with her). She is too tired by 7pm to have dinner then....we have far less meltdowns if she eats before 6. She has been great today, back to being really happy with very few tantrums. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: AnnC
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 10:49pm
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sorry skipped a bitof the replies.
Wondering what time you are sitting down together to eat? I know Rhyley if he gets past 6.30 he has had it and won't eat and cries or acts up. so i trya nd have dinner ready at 6pm so we can caught him right (although i am sure 5pm is his totally right time) if we aren't ready to eat at 6pm I feed him seperately. BUT don't give in at all - make sure she knows her behaviour is not going to be tolerated and when she stops screaming pay her attention then. (all all bad behaviour or undesireable behaviour is to ignore the bad and praise the good) ------------- Ann 
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10) |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 24 June 2008 at 10:56pm
i have a 4 year old who refuses most dinners i put on the table. we had sausages tonight and he ate none of it, the night before pasta, nothing, the night before that pork chops, pasta and peas, and he ate nearly all of it and i nearly fell off my chair in shock. My IL's complain every time we have tea there that the kids dont eat... ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker">
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