1st Child, single mother??
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=20528
Printed Date: 28 November 2024 at 2:05pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: 1st Child, single mother??
Posted By: **Cosmo**
Subject: 1st Child, single mother??
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 5:11pm
|
A great way to start off my time on the oh baby forums..............
I found out i was pregnant last Wednesday which i was so excited about, and it was something i though both my partner and i wanted as we had always talked about it. He even had a SA test done, and i had been on clomid as i knew i had fertility issues and hardly ever had AF, hence where the clomid was fantastic - i did 6 cycles, then decided we would look into things a bit further down the track to give my body a rest. Anyway the cycle without Clomid, turned out to be the one i thought 'we' were after. However it turns out that DP has now changed his mind......... in his words 'he doesn't think it is the right time' Thinking he would come around, that he was stunned, i even went shopping because i was so excited and bought some baby clothes. However, I have spent the last couple of days crying and trying to talk him around, but he doesn't want to hear about it, as far as he is concerned it's not the right time and what if our relationship doesn't last he doesn't want his child not having a father around full time. He wants me to have a termination, has said he will support me through it and be there for me - but i know he can't (i had a termination at 20 - was on roaccutane, which causes birth defects, anyway i know how horrific and heartbreaking it is and nothing the other person says or does can make things right). Everytime i broach the subject with him he is certain that the time is not right and that he wants me to go ahead with the termination, and then a year or 2 down the track we can try again. I just can't get over what is going on, here was a person i love and trust and whom we know each others deepest and darkest secrets, yet he now turns around and says he doesn't want a baby right now. He is currently away for work, so i've had some time out from him, hoping that he will come to his senses, but what my heart and mind tell me is that if he's trying to force me to do this, then he's not really the right person for me in the first place. I have had serious thoughts about it over the last two days and i just can't go through with a termination, and am quite prepared to go it alone, what i want to know is are there other people out there that have been in a similar position, how have you coped? I'm so scared at the thought of raising a child alone, and having only been in auckland for over a year, i don't really have any friends of my own - mainly my partners friends and i'm not close to them, so dont' have any spport there, and none of my family live up here either, so i feel so scared and alone right now. Sorry for the rambling. 
|
Replies:
Posted By: susieq
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 6:20pm
|
Big hugs and dont go through with the termination, my daughter was a single mum for a while now has a fiance but she coped, the father of her daughter wanted her to have a termination but when his daughter arrived he was fine and he has since married.
and his daughter sees him not as often as she used to because he now lives in Australia and the fiance is great with my granddaughter |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 6:34pm
|
Omifreakinggoodness.
TBH, I don't think they'd let you have a termination anyway. They are VERY against women being coerced into terminations. (Though it all depends on how you act in the appts I guess) Anyway, has he communicated why exactly it isn't the right time? In my experience, it is damn near impossible to find the right time. If you do, you'll be waiting forever! Babies are not the end of the world financially, socially, sexually or any other way. They are a new beginning and a blessing! If you decide to go it alone then that isn't the end of the world either. Us single mamas are here to support ya! Oh man. I just can't get over how sucky this is for ya. Because even if he does come around, he's got a LOT of making up to do because he's broken your trust. MEN HUH? xoxoxoxox |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 6:34pm
P.S. Congratulations on the pregnancy!  (I know I just needed to hear that when I got pregnant... my friends weren't exactly forthcoming  )
|
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 6:52pm
|
Congrats on the pregnancy but it must be so heartbreaking for you right now with all the emotions to deal with. From everything I have heard, guys can often flip out when they hear that they have a baby on the way. It's scary for them. Their world most definitely will change and regardless of how the earning situation is in your home, they feel the need to provide for a child much, much more than a woman does. He may even come around yet but please don't go through with the termination - you will only regret it. You may need to tell him, I've decided to go through with this with or without you but I'd by far prefer to have you with me. Then, probably, totally back off all the baby talk and everything (for ages) so that he can process it by himself - another man thing. I sincerely hope that it all works out best for you. -------------  |
Posted By: **Cosmo**
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 6:54pm
|
Thanks everyone. Susieq I don't want to go through with the termination i know that for sure, but i also feel so much pressure on me to do it.
I know it's not a financial thing, we both have very good jobs, although going through this by myself, i will have to get my a into g and start paying off the credit cards and a couple of HP's, so i know i am financially stable by myself. In regards to it not being the right time, i have asked him about this, and i just get the same answer back. I told him it's never going to be the right time, and that if he's decided he doesn't want kids now, even though we had discussed that, yet he wants them in a year or two, how am i meant to know that he won't turn around and change his mind again and what difference does it make whether we have a child now like we had originally talked about (and that if he had changed his mind, why didn't he tell me so i could stop the clomid and go on birth control) or a year down the track, i told him a year isn't going to make a difference in his "it's not the right time" answer. Thanks you for the congratulations, it is definitely something i have needed to hear, since i didn't get it from my partner. The only thing that has kept me happy at the mo is my shopping the other night, the nurse ringing me every couple of days with my blood test results, with the next lot coming in on Monday and you ladies being here and giving me that bit of support that i so dearly need - thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 8:31pm
I was the same so big congrats from me too! A baby is something to celebrate even the circumstances surrounding it's arrival are a bit uncertain. I knew as soon as I found out I was preg with Maya that I was going to end up on my own, our relationship was on rocky ground anyway and the pregnancy was a big shock. But I also knew from the minute I saw that positive pregnancy test that I would keep her, and I don't regret it for a minute. Willie and I split up when I was 15 weeks preg and got back together then split again when she was 3 mths and I was on my own that time with her for 18 mths. It was hard, damn hard and he was a complete jerk for the first year or so, but it was also an incredibly empowering, liberating experience to know that I could do it on my own and not only that, but that I could do it well! We got back together when she was 2 after much persistence on his part and now have 3 more girls together but I don't regret for a minute the time I spent on my own. Maya is a happy, bright, caring little girl and it's awesome to know that I am responsible for that. Best of luck over the coming months, no matter what happens with your partner you and baby will thrive, you'll find strength you never knew you had and you'll never regret it. ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
|
nikkiwhyte wrote:Posted By: Natalie_G
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 9:37pm
|
**Cosmo**
Congrats on the pregnancy. Sorry to hear that DP doesnt want the baby. How far along are you? My DH and I were not ready for a baby now, I would never terminate either. We both wanted children I wanted them whenever but DH wanted to be more secure in jobs and finances. He was very upset to find out I was pregnant, I thought he would never want this child. But I took advice and didnt talk to him about the pregnancy at all for a while, and once the first ultrasound came along he became way more involved and now, he talks to our girl and listens to her move around. Maybe all your DP needs is time to adjust to it, I hope that is all he needs. And if its not ment to be you can do it alone and you will never regret your choice once you see your little angel. Good luck and we are always here to help. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
|
Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 10:09pm
|
Congrats on the pregnancy. I would hold of on the baby talk for a while and he may come around. I know mine did afer we found out I was pregnant at 21 (over 5 years ago now). I would thou start paying off at CC and HP's, even if he does come around it will still feel so much better to have them gone. Best of luck with everything. I am at the moment doing it "by myself", I am married but my husband is in the Army and doing training. Even thou I moved to the fricken cold to be with him we still hardly see him (and at the moment is overseas). It is hard but trust me these lovely ladies on here are wonderful for company. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: **Cosmo**
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 10:47pm
|
The one good thing with my partner at the mo is that is overseas for two weeks, so he has definitely got time to think things through.
What's frustrating however is he keeps asking me how i am by text, because he knows he left me hurt and heartbroken when he left, i politely replied for him not to ask me how i was when texting me, which i think is fair enough. I am overwhelmed at the support i have had from you wonderful ladies so far, it has given me so much more confidence already, and i haven't cried once today! Dagster - i'm 5weeks tomorrow (Sunday), i found out on Wednesday and had that confirmed by bloods the same day (1761, which i've been told is good), get the next lot of blood results on Monday morning, so i'm hoping they are doubling nicely like they should be. Maya your story is so inspiring, you must be incredibly proud of yourself for what you have achieved. So strong and full of courage. I am so incredibly glad that i found this forum, thank you all! |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 30 August 2008 at 11:05pm
|
More than fair! I hope he takes this time to reeeeally think about how he has affected you. No one deserves to be treated like that... despite how freaked he may be about the pregnancy.
It does sound like there's a bit of hope there though so best of luck. 
|
Posted By: DJ
Date Posted: 31 August 2008 at 10:35am
|
Awww big hugs Cosmo - I'm glad you found this forum too! All the very best.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 31 August 2008 at 9:38pm
|
I was in the same position as you, my partner and I had only been together for six months and had actually broken up when I found out I was pregnant.
He was ADAMANT that I have a termination and tried to convince me to go through with it and said he would support me through it and look after me afterwards. I stuck to my guns, said I would go it alone and no matter what he said to me, I would go through with the pregnancy. He eventually came around, I think it takes time for them to churn it over in their heads (men are funny creatures). Although I admit it took him a while to bond with his son, he has an incredible bond with him now and we are on our way to being a strong family unit. We got back together two months ago after a six month hiatus where we both saw other people (it was gut-wrenching seeing him take my child away to do 'family' type activities with this woman! We eventually came to the conclusion that we should grow up, sort ourselves out and work on our relationship, not just for the sake of Sam but because there was still a lot of love there. Stick to your gut instincts, it's your body, your future and you can do it. There is so much support out there for solo mothers (if that is the case) and you'll never regret going through with the pregnancy when you have your baby and discover a whole new level of love for another human being. Good luck!
|
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 01 September 2008 at 9:48am
|
oh massive hugs to you...with my ex (i know it's not the same but close) we thought i was pregnant.. and we had been together for 3 years talked about marriage and babies etc and he wanted me to have a termination...I was so shocked and surprised and feeling everything that you did:(
i wasn't pregnant in the end and I'm not sure if he would have come around but it's so great that you (as i was) were certain in your mind you wouldn't terminate and as scary as it is that you can do it alone.. I know how it feels to have what you think is such a stable life suddenly change:( anyway I hope he comes round but you sound like a strong person who can go it alone if you have to..and as for lack of friends in Auckland I was the same after a year i broke up with my ex in Auckland and had no friends but by the time I left 2 years later I made heaps and it was great...that's also hard but you will get there! big hugs to you! ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 01 September 2008 at 9:54am
|
I had a chat with a guy friend about kids a week or so ago and he gave me some insight about how different guys can view kids to women.
He said he felt kids were something that you did once u had stopped having fun and that they were something you sorta owned. He has only just realised in recent months that having kids is a life, not just an addition. By saying this, maybe you need to find out how he views life with kids and see if you can find the real root of his backtracking. Good luck either way! |
Posted By: **Cosmo**
Date Posted: 01 September 2008 at 8:29pm
|
Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support it has made me feel that much better about what is going on. And the fact that some of you have been in a similar situation, it does give me hope.
Kebakat, you are so right in what you are saying, i remember not long after i first told him he said something along the lines that he would have to grow up, that was before the termination talk started 
Males ay, can't live with them, can't live without them either lol. |