Shes ran away....
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: Kindy and Beyond
Forum Description: So you've survived the sleepless nights and toddler tantrums, now the fun really begins! Talk to other parents of older children here!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=25404
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Topic: Shes ran away....
Posted By: Snappy
Subject: Shes ran away....
Date Posted: 22 March 2009 at 9:49pm
Janaya... twice this week 
The first time was to England, she left us a lovely note in the letterbox. Then again down the road to the neighbours. She took my passport and off she went, she claimed I didnt love her. I am sitting here in tears, (perhaps I'm slightly hormonal) and feel like an absolute failure of a mother. She doesnt listen, we need to tell her things 3-4 times before she will actually listen. Usually we actually have to pick her up and put her in her room, or on the toilet, or whatever we have asked her to do. From the moment she comes home, to the moment she goes to bed, it is a battle. Wednesday for instance, she was playing outside on the lawn at 6.30pm, and it started pouring with rain really quickly. I called her inside, and next minute she was back out there, in her raincoat. So I told her to get it off and go in her room and get her pjs on. She refused to move, and yelled "That means you HATE me!!!!" So thats when she went to England. I gave her a few mins and then followed her down the street, took her back home and literally had to carry her into the hallway. So there she stood, in the hallway, without moving. I counted to 3 and told her if I got to three she would have to go straight to bed, and she didnt move. So she went to bed, screaming and kicking, throwing things around the room etc etc. All day today she hasnt been listening. I will tell her to do something and she questions it, and always has something to say. I dont think theres ever been a time where she has actually done as Ive asked WITHOUT saying something to me immediately after Ive asked her. Tonight she was told to clean her room numerous times, it wasnt much, just her pens and colouring books. I gave her a warning (As well as several "clean your room!" requests) and I walked past one last time listening to her say "oh where does this toy go?" and there she was, still colouring in!" (Boy she's clever though  ) so I took the colouring in book off her and that was it, she was uncontrollable, screaming, crying etc. DH came in and put her into her bed and her legs were flinging all over the place.
i went in earlier to talk about things but she just yelled and told me to go away. I asked her for a hug and she said no, but I did anyway and she just yelled. I just dont know whats going on? Why do children act out like this? Do you think im doing something wrong? What makes children all of a sudden become so disobedient? She has always been a smart girl and always has something to say, but this uncontrollable behaviour has become worse this week, in fact, every night this week has ended in tears. Whats wrong!!!!? ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Replies:
Posted By: Chickaboo
Date Posted: 22 March 2009 at 10:16pm
aww hun big hugs for you  ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: Helen1
Date Posted: 23 March 2009 at 11:43am
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Oh I so know what you are going through. Our DD has always had a strong opinion on what she wants to do and what she doesn't. The number of times I have heard "I'm just going to......" when I've asked her to do something I can't count. We also get the whole "You don't love me if......." as well and I think they are looking for reassurance which I try to give but I must admit I don't always say "of course I love you" because I don't want to have her keep talking like that. Sometimes it will be "You know that's not right" or something similar and it's often when she is in trouble for something that she says it.
So some practical things. We try to use the Ask, Tell, Act technique that Diane Levy advocates in her book. Ask nicely once, Tell (in a firm voice and we give a warning as well) and then Act. When we tell we state the consequence for not complying. It's then her choice whether to do it or not as she knows what has to be done and what will happen if she doesn't. Her choice not ours. Also I would say pick your battles. I understand why you would want her inside when it rains but if it's still playtime and not something more important then letting her play in her raincoat in the rain is actually okay. I have to say that I admired her thinking. It's wet, I want to keep playing, get a raincoat. What's the problem (from her point of view at least). You get one happy (if a little wet child) in a bit later and a change of clothes and all is well. Try these 2 things in conjunction with each other. Maybe talk to her about the (say 5) things that are not negotiable. She is 6 and smart and she will get it expecially if she helps "make" the not negotiable rules. Good luck and let me know how it goes. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 23 March 2009 at 1:41pm
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I've just been reading about kids etc and this seems NORMAL!!! but like Helen1 said, pick your battles...ie dont sweat the small stuff. SHe is possibly enjoying getting a wind up out of you. or else she is frustrated and its her way of venting...not a nice way.
I read about a girl who wouldnt tidy her room so her mum just left it. then whenever she couldnt find something her mum would say "its in there somewhere under that mess" After a couple of days mum said "ok, why dont I help you tidy it all up" and they happily did it together.
the other thing I read was when they tell you "I hate you" reply with "well, I love you".
And maybe she needs her own passport for those trips to UK |
Posted By: Peanut
Date Posted: 23 March 2009 at 1:54pm
NZPiper - have you been reading Toddler Taming or something similar? Just reading it now and it has the same stuff you mentioned. It cracks me up with all the one liners - but not sure if its suppose to be funny or not -------------  
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Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 23 March 2009 at 2:30pm
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Bahahaha .. she sounds SOOOO much like me ... she would be the daughter my mother wished I had!
Luckily I have five more years before Issy starts running off to England
One thing I will say .. once my parents "gave up" and let me do as I please ... it wasnt as exciting anymore and I pretty much became the daughter they wanted. In saying that ... I was much older than Janaya .. but she could just be "pushing your buttons" ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
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Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 23 March 2009 at 2:43pm
| Peanut....yep, Toddler taming it was. I loved it....so funny. It has made Tom look like an angel..not a militant toddler....yet!!! |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 23 March 2009 at 8:51pm
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Thanks ladies, I might give those ideas a go.
I'm really hoping its just a very small phase! ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 6:38pm
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I think once little girls turn 6 , they undergo this transformation , they change from cuddly little darlings to bad tempered little madams .
I asked Caitlyn what was wrong yesterday , as she had been grumpy all afternoon , and she replied with "its none of your concern old woman " , I constantly tell her to watch her attitude, and usually she will apologise and say sorry , if it continues she goes to time out, but more often , she apologises . Another thing I do is , if shes really really going off the walls (to the point where even she is unsure why ) then I give her paper , pen and tell her to draw exactly how she feels , usually that gets all the frustration out (plus the pictures are rather amusing ) I think 6 is a hard time for the little darlings because they are no longer the babies of the school and are expected to be a bit more bigger and responsible ,yet they are not the big kids too, in many ways, they ARE still babies, I remind myself of this whenever Caitlyn plays up , and make sure she knows, no matter how angry and frustrated she is , that I still love her, no matter what -she usually wants a hug an hour later . I also console myself with the hope that one day , she too, will have a daughter .... ------------- 
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 6:50pm
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Thanks for the advice, will try the pen to paper thing next time I think.
Last night she played up, wrote me a lovely note that said "I HATE YOU MUM"  She also came running at me from behind and thumped me in the back really hard. She was sent to her room and she kept opening the door and running out of it, and out of the back door. So I locked it, and we had a terror running around the house hurling abuse at me (Mainly "I hate you so much" I hate everything in this house because it reminds me of YOU!!!" I have lost complete control of her.
Tonight she tripped her brother up on purpose and watched him go head first into the coffee table. I think I am now at the point where I think maybe its more than just "being a 6 year old" ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 7:19pm
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kaiz, do you think something might be going on at school that's upsetting her, and she's bringing that anger home? Do her moods seem to come and go, or is she ALWAYS this angry? It sounds really tough for you right now. Also is this anger directed at her dad? Maybe he needs to sit down and talk to her and tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable at the moment and that you guys love her and are hurt that she's acting out like this, and if she does have a problem with something/someone at the moment she needs to use her words and tell you her issues, but not carry on with tantrums and lashing out at you and Jackson.
------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 7:41pm
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Well we had a chat about half an hour ago, I asked her if anything was bothering her... whether it be at school, or be me or her Dad, or even Jackson. She said "Yeah.. Um... Yeah... Um.. I really wanted you to buy me some lego today and I was really sad when you didnt"
Tried to dig deeper, and all I got was that the kids made fun of her because she has a different hat to everyone else (They all have to wear school hats and DH decided to buy her one from the warehouse instead of replacing her school one) so right now I am transfering the rope from her new school hat and putting it on her old one so that will solve that problem. It ONLY starts after tea, shes not angry all the time. In fact she was a delight this afternoon after school, we went out for a fluffy and did a bit of shopping. But the moment dinner started that was it.... Strange. ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: my4beauties
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 7:49pm
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That's a good start Kaiz! ------------- My babies: R (9),G (7), J (5) http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Maybe you could say to her that lashing out is not the way to act when she's angry and wants attention. And when she's feeling like this she needs to tell you that's she's not happy and needs to be left alone for 10 mins, half an hour ,or the like. Then when's she over her bad mood she can come back and be happy towards you again.Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 8:26pm
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Yeah, I am going to keep working on it.
I was just speaking to my mum and she wonders whether the kids are making fun of her at school. She has encropresis on occasions and sometimes has accidents in her knickers. Mum said it would only take just one day or one sniff and all the kids will be making fun of her  Really hope its not the case, will ask her again tommorow.
------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 9:04pm
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Hugs to you! I know what parenting a smart strong willed little girl is like!
You need to stick to your guns when she acts out, don't give in an inch. But I'd say everyone is right that something is happening at school. A has days when she comes home & is "feral" and I have now sat down & asked her is such & such happening at school. At the moment we are on hurt feelings <sigh> Also, we do this. Dinner, bath, bed. Not leeway in between, if dinner is late then she has the option of a bath but if no bath it's still dinner then bed. She will be in bed by 7.15 at the max & sometimes as early as 6.30. My friends 6yo is in bed by 6pm Oh she is allowed as long as she wants in the bath but it's usually only around 15 mins. That is her playtime.
Is it possibly that you can shift your time out place to somewhere else than her room? So she knows it's a serious punishment. Pretty scary that she's run away a couple of times. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 26 March 2009 at 10:01pm
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It could very well be a school thing, Caitlyn quite often gets really grumpy and upset and its because of something that is worrying her at school (usually something pretty minor that can be easily fixed, but obviously a big deal to her )
Be prepared to hear a lot of " but everyone will laugh at me " or "noone else has a bag /lunchbox/hair tye , like this " , 6 seems to be the age when the approval of their peers really starts to matter . I know how you feel about the possibilty of teasing her because she may have had an accident, Caitlyn used to go number 2s in her knickers, (and after seeing countless psychologists etc we ended up doing the most simple thing of all, a star chart, she hasn't gone in her knickers for 4 months now ) but when she still was , I used to worry so much about the other kids teasing her . Hmmm, perhaps when shes in a better mood leave Jackson with DH and take Janaya out for a "girls date " go somewhere you can talk and get her talking about school , don't jump straight in and say "is there something wrong at school ? whats happening ? I'll talk to your teacher " etc , because they still see the teacher as some amazing authority figure and worry that they wil get in trouble , instead just start by asking what she likes about school, who she plays with etc etc and eventually lead up to ,is there anything you don't like ? and if there is, tell her you will do your best to take care of it , but that you don't know what is going on unless she tells you , so she can't yell at you because thats not fair (this is where a bit of guilt tripping comes in handy too , saying how much you love her , and it makes you sad when she says she hates you , etc ) and that your a team , and you will work on problems together . Last year C would play up on a tuesday night, because they had an exercise on wednesday morning called Buddy Sharing, and she was terrified of being told off for doing it wrong , once she finally told me , I was able to find out what it was about , DH and I practiced with her (its just listening to your "buddy " and repeating their news back to the class) and I was able to go along for 2 wednesdays and be there as support , by the end of the month she wasn't bothered at all . Hope some of that ramble has made sense ! -------------
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Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 9:33am
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AliasMum, I read your post last night just before I shutdown the computer, and I went to bed thinking about the routine thing.
I "think" she may need a bit more consistency with her routine at home. Usually the arguements start when she has to clean her room after playing, or if Ive let her go outside to play one evening but not the next.. I was also speaking to my Dad, as I go to my parents a lot with Janaya, and he said the ONLY time he sees her act up is when its time to leave. She throws wobblies and really gets upset, because she wants to stay the night. Sometimes they let her stay, sometimes they dont, so I think maybe this little girl just doesnt cope well with inconsistency? DH has the same problem, cant cope when things dont go the way he wants it to go. Maybe shes inherited it? Kelly, I will do that. We do have dates quite often which she loves. She always asks me EVERY day if we can have a girly day - its hard work! I tried talking to her again about school, and all I got out of her was that she was sad that her friend got a bigger drink than her when we went out for coffee and flufflys yesterday ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 9:54am
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When we first instigated Alia having a bath in the evenings after tea was actually more of a threat to make her eat her tea Eat your tea or bath & bed was how it went. Some times she opted for the bath other tea or if she still fussed with tea I got up & went and ran the bath, allowed me to escape the situation without yelling at her. Now funnily it's become routine!
If you are going to your M&D's warn her on the way over that she is coming home to sleep at your house but you will arrange a time with them so that she can stay. Then she knows what to expect. It's so interesting reading this as I can just picture Alia so you are not alone! ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 5:37pm
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I have "heard" that making a big deal over dinner is not such a good thing. And that you should never force food down a child. But I find it REALLY frustrating because she will complain she is starving and I feel incredibly guilty, and usually give her some fruit and toast anyway. Its especially frustrating when I know she has eaten the same food before, but is choosing to be difficult.
She will always opt for the shower thing too, and then she knows I will give her food when shes hungry. ------------- Mummy to two beauties... Formerly Kaiz. |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 27 March 2009 at 8:41pm
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Yes I agree but A is pretty skeletal so she can't really afford to miss meals.
Ah ok. After bath is bed & usually she goes straight to sleep as she's tired. If she wakes & is hungry later I will get her a sandwich or reheat her tea for her. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 06 April 2009 at 11:16am
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just catching up now on some old posts.
when i read your post my first thought was - how clever of her to put her raincoat on to play in the rain. i think at this age it is more important to pick our battles. and i find with the boys it helps if something that needs to be done is a rule. for instance i have trouble getting toby to go to the toilet but if i say in our house the rule is we go to the toilet before getting in the car, then he complies... oh and with dinner... my boys are always saying i'm still hungry but there is still heaps on there plate. hungry for ice blocks or treats i think... |
Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 06 April 2009 at 1:36pm
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Iv just noticed this thread!.
All of Janayas behaviour sounds like Bay except Bay doesnt turn it on and off unfortunately hes like that 24/7!!! i have to monitor his play with his brother which generally ends in seperating them
I totally get your frustration!!! quite often IM the one who ends up in tears because i dont know how to control him!!! but i tend to not let him see because he doesnt understand my feelings ( he has aspergers). Actually come to think of it Janaya sounds like me when i was little! very headstrong!!
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Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 10 April 2009 at 4:43pm
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big hugs to you
i also have the evil tempered 6yr old here also, i really hope its a phase, i do however remember running away from home to my tree house in the garden LOL ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  DD 10.5yrs DS 6yrs DS 11mths 5 little angles watching from above |
Posted By: paulainauckland
Date Posted: 30 April 2009 at 8:59pm
just trying to think of practical things - could she wear one of those Tena liners in her knickers? that would hide the smell and she maybe wouldn't feel uncomfortable with the issue either. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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kaiz231 wrote: