Single Parents UNITE!
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Single parenting
Forum Description: Share tips, trials and tribulations about parenting alone
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=34860
Printed Date: 24 November 2024 at 2:43am
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Topic: Single Parents UNITE!
Posted By: rachaels
Subject: Single Parents UNITE!
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 2:57pm
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Well I'm really glad we have this section here. I think it would be a really great idea to get a sort of support group going (like the due threads) for those of us that are single parents or single parents to be! I'll start by introducing myself and letting you know how I got into this position.
My name is Rachael and I'm 22. I live at home with my mum and little sister who is 17. I work full time in mental health and love animals - I'm a trained vet nurse but ended up just using that qualification to look after my 5 cats better! This baby is the result of a one night's stand and the father is less than impressed. He spent nearly a month trying to force me to terminate (I had a termination at 15 and spent 6 years in therapy dealing with the most severe guilt and depression I've ever experienced so knew that was never going to happen). When I told him I was keeping it, he told me he hated me and that I had ruined his life. Meanwhile, I'm thinking 'mate...this baby isn't growing in you, you can bugger off if you want to - I'm stuck with this now' - and bugger off is exactly what he did. Last I heard he was moving to Europe to get out of child support. So now the decision needs to be made whether to bother chasing him to get him to sign the birth certificate, or just leave it as 'unknown'. I feel nervous about being a first time solo mum  but I've since found a DP who doesn't seem to mind that I'm pregnant...is kinda excited about the new arrival (which I was slightly ambivalent about at first because I found it a bit weird) and I have my family for support. Also since finding the OB forums I have learned so much and found a really tight support network who I've come to heavily rely on!
Tell me your stories 
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Replies:
Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 3:34pm
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Hey Racheals . I was in a very simliar situation as you . i was a in a really bad short relationship with a guy who just isnt one of the good guys .I was 23 (im now coming up 25) we had already partly broken up when i found out i was pregnant ( i was trying to make things work but the pregnancy was the straw that broke the camels back ) he wanted me to terminate and put alot of pressure on me to do so , but it wasnt a choice i was prepared to make . just as i thought he would he buggerd off and it turned out he had been cheating on me and was seeing another girl ( a 17 year old school girl ) , he has seen his daughter a handfull of times , he has never ever paid a single cent towards her at all or bought her anything , he didnt even contact me on her first birthday which was last week, The week i had DD he propesed to his 17yr old gf and they are planning to get married soon . I had a huge struggle with her birth certificate as Internal affais are now VERY strict on what they say on the birth certifiactes, Pretty much if you know who the father is you have to name him (new laws ). For me it was a 11 month battle and i finally received her birth certificate and her father is not on it (they made several attempts to contact him ) , it does not say "not known" it says " not recorded " which i think is much better . like you i was working full time ( i work for telecom ) i took a years maternity leave and have returned to work part time recently (it works out alot better money wise for me to work ). When amelia was 4 1/2 months old i met my partner (who has a 5yr old daughter) and we are very very happy , im very lucky and he treats DD like his own . I found my pregnancy to be very lonely at times ( i lived by myself ) and those first few months with a newborn are not easy on your own ( my daughter also had very bad colic and reflux so it made it that much harder). its good that you have the support of your family . anyway i just wanted to share my story and to say that you are not alone . if you ever wanna chat more feel free to PM me Being a mummy is the best most rewarding thing i have ever done , doing it alone has made me so much more mature and a much stronger woman . I love my wee girl more than life itself . she is my world. I dont even see her as being "his" i look at her and all i see is me , she does look like him but i choose not to notice that . ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: rachaels
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 3:49pm
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Thanks so much for sharing your story julz.
I know the father's name, but since I found out I was pregnant he's changed his email address and phone number. I am hoping against hope that the fact that I have no contact details for him means that I won't have issues with baby's birth certificate. What do you think? I would have thought chasing him to sign the birth certificate would have been the harder option not the other way around! I'm over being mad at him, now I just feel sorry for him. He's missing out on the most amazing thing he will ever experience - and I did everything to help him to realise the mistake he's made, but to no avail. I would have no sleepless nights at this stage not having him on the BC because he's given me nothing but grief since this all started - the thought of sharing my son with him in anyway makes me feel sick to my stomach. 
Then again if he decided he really wanted access in the future I might have to put my big girl hat on and allow it (unlikely if he's serious about moving to Europe though)
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 4:10pm
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My daughters father has Bipolar , so he has always been in the background , he use to txt me or ring me constantly saying how he was going to be a great dad then the next he would be telling me i should have an abortion . he makes all these promises about seeing her but very seldom do those promises get kept . i have given it my all for amelia to have a relationship with him but i realise now that she doesnt need him at all , all he is done is cause me alot of drama and stress . Amelia has me and she also has my partner who is the onlt father figure she has ever known . iv learnt that the word "dad" is a privalege not a right . According to what i know about the new laws is that you have to give internal affairs any infomation whatsover you have about the father , i was told at the time of registering amelias birth that if i did not state any info i knew about her dad then i could get into trouble , i dont know if this is scare tactics or not but i know that they are doing a smackdown on fathers on birth certificates . You might wanna look into it , this is just what i was told . I had quite a bit of info about amelias dad , full name ( incl middle name) , names of his parents , siblings , his adress and ph number and they still put "father not recorded " on her birth cert so i dont think you would have a problem having the same thing on your bubbas certificate , the only problem with me is that it took 11months to get her birth cert . ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 6:37pm
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Wow yay a new forum! I mainly lurk on here but do not have many single parent friends so yay I'm glad this has been started!
I'm Rachael as well I have two children, Jack who is 4 and Caprece who is 3. I got prgnant with Jack after two weeks of seeing his Dad. We decided to give our relationship a go and ended up together for 4 years. Their Dad sees them once a week and is a good Dad to them. I don't really want to bad mouth him too much on here considering anyone can read it but he has got a lot better since we broke up in terms of parenting. I'm 24 and just over half way through a midwifery degree. It's awesome and I love it but it's so full on. I live with my parents but am hoping to move out soon I just find it so difficult to organise everything on top of my already busy life. My parents are great and they help me out so much but they also drive me crazy  I have a boyfriend atm who is the best with my kids and treats me so well so I'm pretty lucky there.
Anyway I've been a single Mum for about 15 months, we broke up as he did not like me studying and refused to work or look after the kids full time. Anyway I don't have much experience with Dads on the birth certificate but far out I am over dealing with WINZ I cannot understanding how they can justify treating people the way they do! |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 22 July 2010 at 8:35pm
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My name is Michelle and I have a little girl Gabrielle who is 19 months old. Gabrielle's Dad and I were actually married when we had her - we were together for almost 5 years before we got married and had been married for just over 3 years when I got pregnant. She was planned, although she was a bit of a shock as we decided to try and then a month later I got pregnant.
If I am honest with myself I knew my marriage was in trouble before we got preg but I didn't know what to do about it so I ignored it. It was a tough pregnancy and the ex started going out a lot at night and on the weekends with his band and his mates and we were basically leading seperate lives when Gabrielle was born premature 6 weeks early. She was a reflux baby who didn't sleep night or day and DH carried on his own life going out 3 or 4 nights a week all night and sleeping whenever he wasn't at work. My doctor sent us to mothercraft in Hamilton when she was 10 weeks old due to my having severe maternal exhaustion. When we got back I gave him an ultimatum and we went to councelling for 4 months to try and sort things out. Unfortunately after a very long winter where Gabrielle was sick constantly and in and out of hospital with no support from DH (he didn't even visit her when we were in the first 2 times) I couldn't deal with him and his behaviour anymore and kicked him out. So now its now....8 and a half months later. The ex and I are part way through the court process arguing about custody. When we split up he suddenly decided the daughter he couldn't be bothered caring for when we lived in the same house meant everything to him and he is fighting me for 4 days/3 nights a week. Gabrielle and I live with my parents at the moment and I work 30 hours a week. I have been really lonely as a single parent and its nice to have this board set up. I don't have much experience with dealing with either WINZ or internal affairs but I am over the whole court process! The ex hasn't managed to get off his ass and file his paperwork but he has been able to make all sorts of demands and they just accomodate him. We have a mediation date in Court at the end of August so at this stage its just wait and see. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 23 July 2010 at 2:03pm
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Im not a single parent, anymore , but I was for most of my daughter's life, so i'll share my story too
I got pregnant to C's dad when I was 19, he was a rebound relationship and I told him I was UTD the day he broke up with me at 7 weeks , he wanted me to get an abortion at first, but he came round and decided he wanted to be involved . We've had our glitches but for the most part we get along fine , he and his wife have C once a month (they have 3 kids as well now , so it can get a bit full on any more than that ) When C was 4 I met my DH , and they slowly formed a friendship and after a year she started calling him daddy , of her own accord, she still calls her bio dad Daddy as well , but the only time it gets confusing is if both dads are there lol My DH is her dad in every sense of the word and they adore each other And now im happily married , with 2 beautiful kids and one on the way , back when I was single and struggling to make ends meet , I never thought I would have a happy ending like this ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Berg19
Date Posted: 24 July 2010 at 8:18am
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Wow i've never seen this thread before..
Im a single parent too Me and his dad were never together, just sleeping together on and off. When i found out i was pregnant he was forcing me to get a abortion but it was too late. So as the pregnancy went on i was living in Otaki and he was in Lower Hutt so we didn't see each other that much and he was still hating the idea of becoming a parent. (Even though he is 26 and im 20). Time passes by.. And then he came around to the idea and was actually excited about having a baby, we never talked about getting together or anything as he had g-f's the whole time we were sleeping together. And then Jarvi came along, he was really good, was with me in labour and everything. Signed the birth certificate, and now looks after him maybe 2 nights a week and comes over a few days a week to help me our with my house work n look after jarvi while i do things. But i get what everyone else is saying.. i get really lonely and it seems like i'am never going to find another man that wants me now after i have a baby and stretch marks etc..
So just reading these other stories it gives me some hope that i will be able to find somebody!! But i can't imagine not making all the decisions for Jarvi and somebody else being there during the night to get up when he does. But his dad is really good with him, and we go on holidays to see his family and stuff so most of the time we get along pretty well, its just his g-f that doesn't like us seeing each other and does anything in her mite to stop it. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 24 July 2010 at 9:37am
ok long storey short i worked in abar james dad was a regula at this bar he asked me out for a year i keep saying no till one day i thought i will give him a chace we got together slept together once broke up about 2 weeks after frist gettin together i found out i was preggy about 6 weeks later i didnt get a chace to tell him someelse did he eith denys he is the father or tells people i wont let him see him i have given him my phone number to ring me 3 times no phone call he has seen me many times but still its me i was going to let his mother have time with james but he told his mum james isnt his so she would even come to see him 5 years later i am still agnry that he can walk with his head up but at the same time i know he is just not worth my or james time when james grows and asked were his dad i will tell him the turth and be there for him no matter what ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: kakapo
Date Posted: 24 July 2010 at 9:06pm
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Hiya |
Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 25 July 2010 at 11:21pm
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Hi Rachaels and everyone else. Nice reading all your stories.
Here's my story. I was 24 when I had Sophie. I was with Sophie's dad for about 10 months. We had broken up a couple of times in those 10 months, but I always went back. Anyway, he was a bit of a prick. It was his first relationship ever, not that, that is any excuse, though he'd use that as his excuse for any inappropriate behaviour. He would flirt very obviously with females at parties, while I was there, often in the same room and not care that I was falling apart and bawling my eyes out. He even flirted with my little sister  He did lash out on a few occasions and was actually rather proud he'd hit me in a certain way that left no bruises. He used to write stuff that he'd expect me to find, as he knew I snopped(trust issues obviously) and the stuff he would write would be specifically aimed at screwing with my head. Thing is, the first time he hit me, I really should've left, but like so many others, I believed he was sorry and stayed. Anyway, at a time when our relationship was good, we thought it a good idea to try make a baby and then later decided it wasn't such a good idea. So anyway, things turned to crap again and I was just so over his crap and him screwing with my head and feeling anxious, fearful and on edge, so I left for good. I figured, if I did in fact have a baby on the way, that our relationship was no environment to bring a baby into. I found out I was pregnant a week after I left. When I told him, all he said is "it makes me feel all buzzy down there"(his male parts) and I was like, um ok. He too is a father with mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, social phobia, schizophrenia. He did attempt to be around for her birth, but was being his usual self and got in trouble for staying at a place and not paying rent and did the bolt elsewhere a few weeks before she was due. The first time he saw her was when she was 5 months old. He didn't want me to tell his parents I was pregnant, but I did, as it is their right to know. We have tried again about 2-3 times to have a relationship since she was born. But each time, he just goes back to his usual behaviour. While I was pregnant I had many mixed feelings. I used to cry when I drove past liquor stores(used to be a binge drinker), as I was used to use alcohol to cope when things turned to crap. I used to struggle with feeling like I wanted to MC or that I might have a son and he'd look just like his dad and I'd end up despising him. Lucky I had a daughter and I don't despise her. Other times I couldn't believe I'd think like that. So many mixed feelings and emotions and such a confusing time. I also used to worry I'd never find anyone who would want me and my child. Sophie's dad doesn't see a lot of her, though he is welcome to and he knows that. If his dad goes up to Waiheke at Xmas he will take Sophie and her dad and they get to spend time together then, which is good. But he never turns up to her birthdays and doesn't put in any effort to trying to see her. He pays minimal child support, as in the least that can be paid. She loves him to bits, despite him being very non-existent in her life a lot of the time. I think she probably sees him about every 3-6 months.
I met my current DP nearly 3 yrs ago and we've just had our first child together, she is 5 1/2 months old. I must say, I did find things easier with just Sophie, before I had a partner, as she got all my love and attention and life was easier to manage. I have found, relationships take a lot more work when you have a child and even more work when you have another child. But I am happy with my DP. I just see the difference in having a relationship to manage and 2 kids. I have found Sophie's behaviour is getting pretty bad since late last year. It is a big shift for her, this whole change in family dynamic's, with having a baby sister after years of being an only child and yeah....I kind of spoilt her a lot of those years. Plus I have found DP has changed towards her and is often Mr grumpy-bum at her. I feel like he at times treats her like an inconvenience and I definitely notice a huge difference in the way he treats her. This is really hard for me to see and it really upsets me. I don't think these facts and Sophie's bad behaviour helps my PND. In fact I think all this makes it much worse. Having a new baby has put more stress on our relationship. I so often seem to be in a bad mood and I feel like I'm not much fun to be with. I hope all this doesn't sound too discouraging. I'm just being honest. I do think a new DP when you only have 1 child, is possibly easier to manage, relationship wise and it probably helps with the bonding with new DP and baby/child if you've gotten together during your pregnancy, or early in babies life. But it could be different for each person, this is just my thinking, with regards to myself. I am sad DP now treats Sophie differently. I treats our daughter so different. It is pretty unfair. -------------   
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 26 July 2010 at 12:16am
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Thats not good escadachic ...have you told your DP how you feel ?
I can say with a hundred percent all honesty , that my husband treats Caitlyn exactly the same as he treats Tyler , if he tells her off for anything its because she deserves it not because he is favoring his biological child , I never have to worry about their relationship, at times they make ME feel left out with all their father daughter adventures and inside jokes that I don't get . I am in the same position as you , child from a former relationship that had my attention for many years of her life, didn't meet DH til she was 4 ,and now have another baby with one on the way , but i've never felt like my DH treats C as an inconvenience, thats not good for you or for Sophie , if you haven't told him honestly how you feel , I think you're going to have to , otherwise it will just make you feel unhappy and resentful towards him -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 26 July 2010 at 12:28am
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Oh yes I have told him how I feel. He seems to hear me, but whether he is listening and taking it in...I do wonder...
He used to treat the same as I did. But it seems with her change in behaviour, his behaviour towards her has changed. Maybe it is him trying to work out how best to deal with her naughtiness. I know it's new to me how she's behaving these days. I'm so used to a very well-behaved little girl. But these days, she's not so well-behaved. She is having difficulties at school, which is likely not helping. -------------
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Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 26 July 2010 at 9:56am
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Great to read your stories.
I am a newly single parent with a 16mth old son and one on the way. Though in a way I have felt like a single parent ever since DS was born cause DP was hardly ever home, he was always hunting or at the pub or helping one of his mates. Any way my story is: DP and I met in Nelson through mutal friends in 2007. We clicked instantly and and spoke on the phone almost every night for 2mths. (I was living in motueka and he was in Owhango). I moved in with him in April 2007. We basically started TTC straight away as we knew what we wanted. Took a year to get preg but then the MS started and DP found it really hard to deal with. Mainly because it was easier for me to sleep on the couch and he felt like we were just living as flatmates. Any way MS goes at around 15wks and all was goodish again. When I was close to 40wks he took 2 wks off work saying to his boss that it was so he was near by when I went into labour but the truth was that he wanted to spend the time hunting, often in places that didn't have reception. Anyways I go into labour and he just sat in the room, ónly helped me when I asked and wasn't even in the room when DS finally comes out. He has tried to be a good father but I think he is just not used to thinking about other peoples needs and always puts himself first. Also he needs to have special cuddles often otherwise he feels unloved. And you all know that it is the last thing you want after giving birth. I tried my hardest but he was just out more and more, hardly ever home. And then one night 7wks ago he comes home drunk after being somewhere and wants to talk about things. And was saying how he has always wanted to ask me to marry him and how I was the best thing that has ever happened to him e.t.c So I get caught up in the moment and let him have his wicked way with out protection, even though I knew that I was close to ovulation, but thought that it'll be ok since it took a year to get DS. But as luck would have it one whoopsie was enough this time. DP was really happy when I told him but things got worse. He was proberly home for tea twice in three weeks. Once the MS hit I told him that I needed him to be home in the evenings to get DS tea and get him to bed, but even that turned out to be to hard for him and he was just getting grumpier and grumpier. So it was at this point that I came up to Auckland to spend time with my mum and then he tells me via text last Tuesday that he doens't want to be together anymore and that we have nothing in common, blah blah blah. And when I asked him about all the stuff he said during that talk he said that he wasn't completly honest and that he had been trying to tell me for ages. MEN!!! He still wants to see his kids though he will have to come up to Auckland if he wants to see them. And I am hoping that he will be there for the birth of this little one in Feb, though who knows where he will be then. So here I am with one and a bit kids, no money, and no home and having to give up my cat and dog cause there are already too many animals at mums place. And have to go down and pack up my stuff this week which is the last thing I want to do when feeling crap with MS. And am going to have a chat to WINZ next Monday, am hoping that I get a nice person and that they don't make me do the 6wk stand down for the benefit cause I had to quit my casual job. Actually what can I expect from the WINZ interview and what should I be taking? I will take my lastest payslips. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 26 July 2010 at 11:45am
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im sorry you are going through such a rough time codysmum , Its just not fair how the man can walk out with little or no responsibility . It certinly sounds like you were not in a very loving, equal relationship and it certinly sounds like you deserve much better . when it comes to winz , you will probabyly need to take in your childs birth certificate, along with bank acc details ( they ussualy want a statement to see where your money is coming from and how much you have ) , also your own ID and if Codys in preschool you will be able to apply for subsidys for that so make sure you take in details of how much you pay per hour/session etc . also possibly a note from Midwife saying you are pregnant . Escadachick- Your story is ringing very true to me , Your ex sounds exactly like Amelias dad , he use to play mind games just like that with me , constantly flirting with other girls , full of broken promises and he had Depression , Bipolar , he even tried to attempt suiside in front of me but i look back and see this as a cry for a attention , i doubt he would have actually done it , think he just wanted to scare me . as for your DP not treating Sophie fairly , that must be very hard . Im very lucky that my DP treats Amelia like his own and he actually sees Amelia more than he sees his own daughter ( we have Amelia 100% of the time and we have his daughter 5 nights a fortnight ) , hes been in Amelias life tho since she was 4months so i guess its a bit different ,i however find it really hard at times to bond with his daughter and i find myself treating her differently to amelia which i always feel bad about and i am trying to make a real effort to treat them the same , i just find it hard because shes 5 1/2 and we dont have her all the time and shes also going through a bit of a "naughty" faze. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: pidgey
Date Posted: 26 July 2010 at 10:38pm
Hello all. My name is Paige. I was in a similar situation. I was never really with the father, we were good friends since we met, but not exclusive and had been spending most nights together. I found out I was pregnant when I was 18, and when I told him, the first thing he said was "well you have get rid of it" in a matter of fact way. I told him that I was thinking about it, just to keep him happy, and a week later told him that I wouldnt do it. He then spent a month convincing me that I was too young to have a baby and how much it would ruin my life. He went through so many changes from saying we would do it, and be happy about it with me, then back to "it will ruin your life" speech. It wasnt till he got given baby baby bibs as a secret santa gift that he told me that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. From then on he became emotionally abusive, saying that he wishes there was no baby, that he hated it, and that I was stupid and he never wanted anything to do with me when he met me. throughout my pregnancy I felt alone and hurt. I cried just about everyday because of the things he would do or say to me.  My parents hadnt met him and hated that I was pregnant and people were always talking about me, it was so hard. It was hard because we had been especially close and would talk about everything, and then we moved and I hadnt heard from him, and when i did it was only to be hurled abuse at. I decided it was easier to not have anything to do with him, after he got with one of my best friends, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Its still hard, baby is 3months old, and I continuously feel guilty that he has no father, and that I lost a good friend. But I also feel sorry for him, he has no idea of how wonderful Dal is, and when I first help Dal I knew that he was special and I didnt want to share him with anyone who was that undeserving, or would hurt him. I watch my parents with their grandson and I am again sad that his mother doesnt know that she has this little boy who would love to meet her.
Racheals, the birth certificate is such a mess, I still dont have one, as he said he would never sign it. But he changed his mind when he heard of all the trouble I was having, getting it down, however he still hasnt done anything about it. So I hope you have better luck! I am glad this is here! I feel stronger knowing that there are other people who understand, I am a full time student so everything is always just a little more stressful! |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 27 July 2010 at 10:19am
I wrote another post yesterday but it doesn't seem to have posted .
Thanks for that info on what to take to WINZ Julz. Cody isn't in childcare or anything anymore though that may change if I end up getting a job, though I don't know if anyway would hire a pregnant woman. Though I will never know if I don't try. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 27 July 2010 at 3:54pm
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codys mum- i forgot to mention you will also need to take in your outgoings to winz , any HP's you may have and amount you pay in rent/board etc etc, even things like how much you spend on petrol and any extra medical costs etc etc because you may be aligble for what they call "temporary aditional support ) - they dont often tell you about that one so make sure you mention it . ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 27 July 2010 at 4:02pm
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Paige - i know exactly what your going through altho i can imagine its even tougher at 18-19 , im just about 25 and still find it very hard . hang in there chick , Life will get easier and one day im sure youl find someone that treats you how you deserve , you ex sounds alot like the other "babys daddys" on this particular forrum. I know the guilts you feel about your child father , i feel exactly the same , then i have to think that my daughters actually lucky that she doesnt have her father in her life as hes just not worth it and would be a crap dad . ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 27 July 2010 at 10:57pm
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Paige I was 19 when I had Jack, I was also told I was making a huge mistake etc etc but seriously he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I see new mothers every day and teen Mums do not find it harder (in fact a lot seem to take to mothering a lot quicker). We can travel the world and be careless once our kids are older but we will be wiser and enjoy it more
escadachic - That is hard with your new partner have you thought of going to a parenting course together? I have found my 4 year old very difficult lately and am planning on going on a course when I have time. I think when a child is being difficult for whatever reason it is so easy to favour the 'good' child. So although it is unacceptable he is treating Sophie that way perhaps it is more he doesn't know how to handle her rather than he is playing favourites? I had a massive fight with my mother tonight she is quite emotionally abusive and she basically told me im a crap mother. My sister rang me and said she has noticed how down ive been lately and that I really need to move out. So tomorrow I am going to ring WINZ and get the ball rolling. 
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 29 July 2010 at 8:35pm
There are definitely guys out there who will take on a readymade family and love them unconditionally - I know coz I found one 
He thinks my stretchmarks are fascinating BTW and while he can be grumpier with Jake now we have Tyler its not coz he differentiates, its coz we're all tired.-------------   
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 30 July 2010 at 9:23am
good i will hold on to that one ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Babe wrote:Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 30 July 2010 at 11:14am
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yup i found one too , the man im with now is FAR better than any man i was ever with before i had my daughter, and thats in every way, hes a better person , he has morals , a good personailty and IMO hes far better looking than any of my exes , i think maybe that now i have Amelia i have made much higher standards for myself as there is someone else i have to worry about now too , its not just me that gets hurt if things go bad , its the child too . i guess i use to settle for second best , not anymore . ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 30 July 2010 at 4:53pm
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RachandJack have you started the ball rolling? You can do it you know - if you're strong enough to be a great single parent then you are strong enough to step out on your own. I've been a single parent for about 6 months now. I left my ex husband when my DD was 5 weeks old. I knew it was over several months prior to that but had thought I could manage to bumble along for another year or so. In hindsight I'm so glad I didn't! So I currently live with my two littlies in the house that we jointly own. He sees the children three times a week (when he doesn't have a cold!) - two evenings when I leave the house and he gives them dinner and puts them to bed, and then for about 6 hours on a Sunday. There is so much I could say but I'm very aware that this is an open site that anyone can and does look at so I will leave it at that for now! It is nice to hear from you guys who have since met other partners as it is really hard to see what a decent guy would want with a mother of two small children. I can't even imagine how you meet anyone given the limitations on going out (not that I'm a big going out kind of girl - more dinners with friends and that sort of thing). |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 31 July 2010 at 10:29am
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I don't see how I will manage to meet anyone else either. But am just not going to worry about it and concentrate on making a good life for me and my little ones, and let fate do what it will. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Berg19
Date Posted: 31 July 2010 at 11:10am
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Everyone of us is very strong!! It takes a strong person to be a single parent, and in ways it is easier, you get to make all the decisions etc. Good point Codysmum,
i think at my age though not many guys would be wanting that responsibility.. most of them don't even want relationships! So yes, i will just enjoy my time with Jarvi ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 31 July 2010 at 9:41pm
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Thanks Kate I know what I need to do I just have no car so am waiting for that to finish being fixed and then I'm going to start my house hunt. I'm actually quite worried how I will cope financially but I think it will be worth it.
I thought the same thing about finding a new partner, I honestly didn't think anyone would want to take on two kids but it actually doesn't bother a lot of guys. I met my boyfriend through friends so he knew all about my situation and everything before we even considered dating which has worked really well. I have dated a couple of others who said kids didn't bother them but in actual fact weren't really aware what having children involves. So I have found it best to be completely straight up right from the start. |
Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 9:28am
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I must admit, financially we are pretty borderline and that would be my biggest worry at the moment. But...we are managing and if I'm honest there are still things I could cut back on (like the internet I suppose!!). I'm banking on these early days being the hardest in terms of finances. I can't remember - are you doing any paid work or are you full time at home? I work two days a week which works out to be the only way I can survive. It also gives me a bit of a break from the world of children (which I love but can't handle full time!). In terms of partners...I'm enjoying the time to myself in many ways. I had forgotten many of the things that were important to me (in letting someone else's priorities rule our world) so it's nice to be finding those things again. If someone turns up...great...if not...oh well!
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 3:04pm
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I'm studying full time so have to pay daycare but thats not too expensive. I think I just need to get a budget sorted and stick to it!
I think thats what I'm missing living with my parents. I don't get to live how I want I have to live how they want. So I'm really looking forward to doing my own thing. |
Posted By: drumstx
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 4:03pm
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codymum, take everything to winz!!! everything that u have, the bigger the better, if u dont they will send you away to get them seriously, every account, birth cert, bill, statement you can lay your hands own. My hubby left 2 months ago and i have three kids and a morgage! jack my youngest is chronically unwell and so i am on a carers benefit as i cant go to work as well. i hit a crappy manager first time and then asked for another and she is FAB, solo mum herself.
As for me, well i have been with him for 13 years and married for 11. He had another breakdown in jan and been off work every since. then came home and decided that it was too hard and left with his suitcase. He now has worked it around that i have anger management issues and will not dicuss any reconciliation. lol forgot to ask me if i even wanted to! anyways i am now stuck in little town with my three sweeties,(one attched to a feed pump and catches every infection out there) two cats, morgage, all the bills that i have since found, the fun just keeps coming. My love and hugs and prayers to you all. I am doing my best which is sometimes not so great. but getting there. We have been given some home help which is great and am off to ronald mcdonald family retreat in october ... this IS my light of fun at the end of the tunnel. thanx heaps for making me feel not so alone for just a little while xoxo caro
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Posted By: james
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 5:04pm
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awww hun big hugs to you sometimes life is horrable big hugs ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: pidgey
Date Posted: 01 August 2010 at 6:55pm
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Rachel and Jack, I am studying full time too! It is so hard leaving the little ones, have found a really good daycare for Dal and they are really good about money.
It is so much easier once you have a budget, I think it gives you some feeling of control, which is otherwise lacking in my life :) Drunstx-I am so sorry to hear of the hard time you are having, this is my light too, after an especially hard day, it is comforting to know that there are others who understand what Im going through. You have given me hope that there will be someone out there who will be loving and accepting for Dal. I don't see it happening anytime soon, guys my age are not really interested in girls with babies, I find it hard, because there are many nice guys out there but I find myself cutting it all off before they know that I have a son, I think the fear of being hurt and judged by them is too much for me to actually try to have any sort of relationship, and I find myself shutting everyone out :( But I hope in time it will be better! |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 02 August 2010 at 8:44am
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Hugs Drumstx, that must be so hard.
Have my appointment this morning, And have got together all the paper work I can. Doesn't help that I don't have my latest bank statements e.t.c but did print one of online banking so hopefully that is ok. Fingers crossed I get someone nice. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 10:43am
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Codysmum how did you go with WINZ? Did you get to see someone helpful? And are you going to need baby stuff or do you have a stash already? I have been sorting through baby stuff and have mostly girls stuff, but a few bits and pieces for boys too. Will also have a full set of Avent bottles if you are a bottle feeder, and I have bassinet sheets (homemade but perfectly good!). If you are going to need things I can just put those aside and work out a way to get them to you at some point. And RachandJack how are you guys doing? Any luck with car and house?
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Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 06 August 2010 at 6:24pm
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WINZ went ok. Didn't really get a helpful lady, but got the DPB anyway. I got a part payment this week and will start getting full payments next week I think. Rang them up today to find out how much accom sup I would get, and if I stay in this area and am paying $250 in rent then I should get $117 in accom sup. Which is ok. So just need to save up some bond money then find us somewhere to live.
I am pretty much sorted for baby stuff thanks. Still have a heap of Cody's clothes and all his stuff. If it's a girl then mum will have fun buying some girly things. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 07 August 2010 at 4:40pm
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Thats great CodysMum!
My car is still getting fixed and is going to cost heaps  So once I have that sorted I will figure out a budget and start looking.
How are things with you Kate? |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 07 August 2010 at 6:30pm
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Are any of you other mums on the DPB and living in Auckland? If so I am just wondering how you manage.
I was doing some calculations this morning and it is going to be very tight money wise. Mainly because I have 2 credit cards and one store card that have to put money into each week, if it wasn't for those then things would be so much easier. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 07 August 2010 at 10:30pm
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Hey Codys mym , WINZ should be able to help you with bond money and then you just pay it back , when i was on the DPB and i moved house winz paid my $1000 bond and i just pay them back at like $15 a week or something like that . And yea DPB isnt much if you have other bills like credit cards , i was in the same situation when i was on it , iv got a credit card i had before i got pregnant so i have to pay that back weekly too , I personally found i had to go back to work after a year becuase i found money to be way too tight , also because my DP and i became more serious, altho we wernt living together and he wasnt finacially suporting me at all i didnt want to be dobbed in for being in a relationship or anything . In saying that moneys still dam tight cos im only doing part time , i dont really want to work full time before amelias 2 if i can help it . ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 10:52am
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Thanks Julz.
I am thinking about trying to get a weekend job for just a bit extra. Are we allowed to work for a few hours while on the DPB? Though that is if someone is willing to hire a pregnant woman. Was also thinking about maybe doing dog walking or something. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: RicKer
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 3:31pm
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 3:51pm
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Rach I'm good thanks. Things just seem to tick along here really. When I don't have the kids I have been trying to finish painting the lounge - probably the longest it's taken anyone to paint anything!! Codysmum - brilliant that you will be all set up for the baby. I think from memory you can earn up to $80 per week on the DPB (but I can't remember whether that is before tax or after). I was always going to go back to work and also get child support so don't get thye DBP but in Wgtn things would be pretty tight too. |
Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 3:54pm
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Ricker have you spoken with anyone at the Family Court? If you are afraid that her Dad will attempt to take her without your consent you should see if you can speak to someone from the Family Court in your area tomorrow. I'm not sure on the actual process around it but you can put in place a Parenting Order that is then enforceable by law. And Codysmum I forgot to say that my understanding is that you would be under no obligation at 8/9 weeks pregnant to tell a prospective employer that you were pregnant. |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 7:56pm
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Happymumma I checked the WINZ website today and you are allowed to earn $80 before tax and sometimes an extra $20 if paying for childcare. And if I do get around to finding another job it won't be till my MS is totally gone so I would tell them cause I will prob be almost 20wks by then. . I am not to bothered about it, could always just do a paper round or something just for a little extra cash and it would be a good way to get exercise . ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 8:11pm
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Does anyone know anything about judicial conferences? My ex and I haven't been able to agree on custody and I filed for a parenting order back in April. We went to councelling but didn't manage to come to any agreement and he filed a defence to my order about a month ago. We have a judicial conference scheduled for the end of the month but I have no idea what to expect.
Ricker if you think he might take your bub without your consent you should file for a parenting order. If you don't have one then he can take bub and you can't do anything about it. My ex threatened me with this quite a few times and my lawyer said that unless there is a parenting order in place each parent has equal right to care of the child and can take the child without the other parent's consent. That's why I filed for an order in the end. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: RicKer
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 8:47pm
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Posted By: drumstx
Date Posted: 08 August 2010 at 9:57pm
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oh ricker i feel you my ex is being a poo! keeps threatening stuff and then i jump and do something to protect myself. it is never ending. the newest is that we have been given a week at ronald mcdonald retreat in rotorua for my youngest and he is now saying unless i let him take one of the children away with him he will try and stop us from going! aaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhhh the kids are so excited about going is just so mean! why why why do men do these things and why is it seem to be okay for them to just think that it is a right to run over their spouse on the way. rant rant rant i will be back with more no doubt
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 09 August 2010 at 8:23pm
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It depends ricker - there are two types of parenting order. There is a consented parenting order where you both agree on access. You can go to your lawyer and get the current arrangement put in writing, then it gets served on him to sign so it can be filed in the court.
If you can't get a consented order (or if like me there is no agreement to start with) then you can file for a non consented order. This starts a process called the early intervention process where you both go (seperately) to a parenting through separation course and also to councelling (joint or sepeartely) to try and come to an agreement. If no agreement then you get a judicial conference (this is the stage I'm at now) and then mediation. If you still can't get agreement then the case goes to court and the judge decides on the custody arrangements. Keep writing in your book. I have been writing everything down for 9 months now and its been very very helpful. I keep a record of any conversation we have, any access he's had, any texts sent and I print any emails I receive. Its been very helpful coz after a few months you forget what happened and when. Also my ex is denying some stuff that happened back in November and December and I have emails as written proof. That really sucks drumstx. Vent away! ETA to correct some of the info. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 09 August 2010 at 8:24pm
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Forgot to say that if there is any suggestion of violence or that the child is endangered/there are safety issues then you can apply for an emergency parenting order and circumvent some of the process. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: RicKer
Date Posted: 09 August 2010 at 9:09pm
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 10 August 2010 at 8:08am
| Oh you poor thing Ricker. So far my situation seems relatively straight forward in comparison. I really hope you get things sorted so that you can have some peace of mind. |
Posted By: julz85
Date Posted: 10 August 2010 at 7:37pm
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found out today my daughters fathers GirlFriend (or should i say "fiance") is pregnant , he told me they had been trying to get pregnant for a year ( Amelia has just turned one 3 weeks ago ) , his GF is only 18 or 19 , i feel sorry for her , at least i got to live , party , and travel the world before i got pregnant to an ar**hole. he started asking me all these questions about midwives and how much newborns cost , the cheek of him!!!!!! he has never ever paid one sent towards Amelia or offerd child support , he wouldnt even sign her birth cert and didnt even contact me on her 1st birthday or get her a present or anything yet he still aknowleges hes her father , kept going on about how the abby better be a boy ( he did the same thing when i was pregnant ) . sorry for my rant , just needed to get it off my chest and thought you guys would prob understand my anger at this situation . I thankgod for my patrner , he really is a million times the man my ex is , he has a child from a previous relationship and he pays so much child support and sees her all the time , to me that shows what a mans really like (how he treats his children ) Ricker - it doesnt sound like your in a very nice situation , hope it gets better ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Whateversville
Date Posted: 10 August 2010 at 7:53pm
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Oh my, I only just found this thread.
I'm a single parent too I'm Trudie I'm 23 and I live with my ma & pa. They're my life savers when I need 2 mins to myself.
My story.. Baby's dad and I were never together, just friends that ended up sleeping together. We kinda got over it and stopped then about a week later I found out I was UTD. He was shocked when I told him but I told him straight up I was keeping it. He took hardly any interest in the pregnancy. Came to the 20w scan for a 'nosey' (his words) then I didn't see him again til I was 32w. Then he had the cheek to ask to be in the delivery room. I said no. And waited till bubs was born before I told him he was arriving so he didn't just show up. He's on the birth certificate. And I set up child support but I'm not sure if he pays or whatever coz I'm on the DPB and the money doesn't come directly to me. We've had one fight about him not visiting (he didn't come for 8weeks) and he went on to say things like 'I want some F'ing say in MY son's life' which I got extremely upset about. If he comes he stays like 40mins at the most. I wish he'd just go away. But thats not fair on my son..Altho his behaviour now is not fair on him either. It's sad. Anyway I think thats it lol |
Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 10 August 2010 at 8:32pm
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Oh Julz that's tough! I don't really know what else to say 'cause it's just so crappy that a Dad can seem to care so little about one child and not another. My children's father dotes on one of ours and although he says all the right things, (and would deny black and blue that this was the case!) doesn't appear to really care about the other a great deal. It makes me so sad for her because I know what it's like to grow up believing that your Dad doesn't / didn't want you. It sounds like you have a great partner and if he's as wonderful to your daughter then she is a lucky girl in the end. It's her biological Dad that will be the loser. Trudz isn't it weird that on the one hand they show absolutely no interest and then on the other seem to think they have the right to make decisions! Will never cease to amaze me. Ricker - are you okay? Have you managed to sort anything that makes you feel more secure? |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 13 August 2010 at 6:29pm
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Advice needed ladies.
Exdp is going to be working in Napier for possibly at least a year so wants to see Cody next weekend. He lives 4-5 hrs drive away and wants to meet half way on friday then again on Monday. He wants to have Cody down there with him so that Cody can see that side of his family. I totally understand it all but mum is going on how it is too soon for Cody and that exdp is just thinking about himself, blah blah. I would rather that he did come up here as I don't fancy the 2hr return drive on Friday then again on Monday, especially since I have been feeling rather lethargic lately. And I know that it will be easier for exdp to have Cody down there in his own space rather then up here with mum around. And if it is going to be the last time he sees him for a year then fair enough. So any thoughts ladies? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 13 August 2010 at 8:06pm
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Personally I would say that if he wants to see him (but doesn't think that contact in the next year is important) then he should be the one making the effort to come to you. You have enough to deal with without that kind of a drive. I think the other thing to consider is how Cody will feel. Is he likely to be excited at his little journey (and excited by seeing Daddy and family), or not cope so well because it is a different environment and out of his routine? If my DS hadn't seen Daddy for a while and we did that he would be quite upset by it - particularly as it's outside of his normal day to day environment. If exdp feels his son is important to him then he should make the effort (and I would have thought would want to make that effort more than once in the next year). Sorry - I hope that's not too opinionated! Just ignore me if it is! I think I just feel that it is constantly women who make the effort and go the extra mile (I know that's a terrible generalisation but in this case you will be making a lot of effort if you end up driving halfway twice over a few days). |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 13 August 2010 at 9:26pm
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I pretty much agree with happymumma. I think that if I was in a similar situation and my DD hadn't seen her Dad for a while and then he wanted to take her for the weekend to an environment that she wasn't used to she wouldn't cope very well. My DD suffers separation anxiety and doesn't travel very well either so that may be something to think about - its a lot of traveling for a small person for what is basically a weekend away, effectively 8-10 hours of travel and a weekend with a bunch of people he doesn't know in an environment thats not familiar. I know some kids would cope ok with that but mine wouldn't - would Cody?
Also, I get where you are coming from with how he might not see Cody much if at all for the next year but like happymumma said if he's not going to make the effort for the next year then shouldn't he be making the effort now? And if Cody is that important to him then why wouldn't he at least make some effort over the next year to see him. In a year's time Cody will have totally forgotten who he is. Napier isn't the end of the earth after all. Sorry if I've said stuff that upset you - just ignore me if I have. I know this stuff is difficult, I have the same dilemas about trying to put my own feelings aside and work out what is best for my DD. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 14 August 2010 at 10:11am
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yeah I am worried that Cody will forget him. Exs brain works a bit differently to normal I think and he doesn't think things through proberly. This job he is taking isn't his best option and he may not get paid reguarly but he is taking it any way. Men!
We have only been up in auckland for a month so Cody should still remember his old home and exs family. I think it will be good for him to see all that side of the family so will proberly take him down. Though it will also mean that I get back to auckland right in the middle of rush hour But oh well, at least I will get a child free weekend and it''ll do the ex good to look after his son for a few days, he won't know what hit him and then maybe he will understand why I was always tired at the end of the day. Though he better not palm him off on his family so that he can go and do something "ímportant" with his mates.------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Btassh
Date Posted: 16 August 2010 at 11:00pm
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Hi everyone!! I'm Tash, just found this thread..I have little Rubie have been a solo mum before she was born
sorry for my novel of a story
My ex and i got together through mutal friends when i was living in Nelson, I never really like him but had just went through a really bad break up so i thought if i got into a realtionship with someone i didn't like i wouldn't end up getting hurt again...bad mistake!! Anways about 3 weeks into our relationship i moved in with him as my old flatmates started doing drugs didnt wanna be around it...anyways found out i was preg at 6 weeks. Througout the preg we founght heaps he went to counselling for anger mangement then i had enough kicked him out. However we were still trying to make things work. He drove me to Picton the day before i moved back to auckland and decided he wanted to come with me so we drove all the way back to nelson to get his things...we went to a strange house i never knew he was living at, he came out with his things and a handprint on his face and told me i wasnt allowed to get out of th car...was all very strange. We moved to auckland, one night i was snooping through his phone and found out he had been dating a girl, and started living with her the week after i kicked him out and was still texting and calling her so i told him to leave and he went back to nelson to her. He came to every appointment in when i was in nelson and wanted to come to the birth but i refused. I didn't really hear from him when he moved back to nelson. He didn't know Rubie was born until she was 2 weeks old only because i asked if he wanted to know about it all. He has seen her 2 times in 5 months. 1st time because i took her to nelson where his gf's children were calling her their sister!!!! and 2 weeks ago he came to auckland for the weekend. he wants to be a big part of her life yet doesn't want to travel to auckland more than twice a year or pay for her other than child support -because 12 a week covers everything she needs!! I couldn't imagine sharing Rubie with him, i feel sick everytime i see him and he has no idea what to do with hiim - he is rather strange, very intelligent but doesnt have any people skills |
Posted By: Btassh
Date Posted: 16 August 2010 at 11:00pm
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he was very controlling physcially and emotionally.
sorry for the novel!!! |
Posted By: mizpix
Date Posted: 18 August 2010 at 4:04pm
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hi ladies
Reading your stories makes me feel thankful that my situation is nowhere near as bad as what you have to put up with. I am a single mum. Me and A's dad broke up when I was 6 months pregnant. We had only been together 3 months when I got pregnant. He knew I wanted a baby and that we were not taking precautions, and told everyone that we were together for the long term. I have always had problems with depression, but did not admit to it. A's dad kept getting annoyed at me because I couldnt communicate my feelings to him adn said I was just being difficul. This got worse once I was pregnant. He refused to go and meet my parents and tell them about the pregnancy, so I had to go alone, and my mum was really septic about it. This really made my depression bad. Things gradually got worse, between us and eventually he told me he didnt want to see me any more. He said he would be there to support me and our child though and that family was very important to him. At the point we split, I had a big melt down and finally got help for my depression. I am much better now. I have even been to him and talked about it, but he just doesnt understand and thinks it is a load of sh*t. He came to A's birth but was on the phone the whole time and in and ouof the delivery room, and was absolutely no help. For the first couple of weeks he rang most days and visited a couple of times a week. This has tailed off and I havent seen or heard from him in over a month. He has put his name on the birth certificate. He is broke and so cannot help with money. I dont mind so much as I have a good income, but I always said I wanted him to be part of A's life and he cant even do that. I have been back at work full time for 6 weeks now and miss spending time with my wee boy. While I do have an income, I have a huge mortgage and so little money left over, but we manage OK. I dont have a proper house cause I cant afford to build one on my land and so A and I are living in a converted garage. There is only one room and it's really difficult like this with a baby. I dont know how it's going to be when hes bigger. I cant see things changing for a few years at least. I really love being a mum and would love more children if I ever find another partner. I dont know what chance of that though as I dont imagine ever being able to get out and socialise and who would want to take on me plus a child. Still I would not have it any other way. I love my baby more than anything ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2920e5" rel="nofollow - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: Btassh
Date Posted: 18 August 2010 at 10:37pm
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Mizpix...wow it must have been very diffucult to go through a pregnancy with no support and having depresson!!
I'm really glad you got some help! How old is your wee boy now? |
Posted By: mizpix
Date Posted: 19 August 2010 at 9:30am
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Baby boy is now nearly 4 months old. Such a cute age!
I got good help from girls off here and then from maternal mental health when my depression was really bad. It's so good now, am just a little nervous about coming off medication and whether it will come back! I was lucky in that I managed to make some good friends to help me through my pregnancy, because A's dad and my family were little help. I thought I wouldnt be able to do it but I did. Just goes to show that you can if you put your mind to it. I am also lucky that I had an easy pregnancy (worked up to 10 days before I had him) and he is a very easy laid back baby. He has slept through the night since just over 2 months old and is happy going in the car with me to work etc and doesnt care who looks after him so I am blessed! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2920e5" rel="nofollow - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: Btassh
Date Posted: 19 August 2010 at 9:52am
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You definitely are...i believe you are given what you can cope with...like me you got an easy baby cause you had to deal with all the hard stuff before bubs came along
Having ohbaby fourms is great...i've made some awesome friends here too!! Hopefully when i go down south i'll get to meet up with a few more of them
What line of work are you in? |
Posted By: rachaels
Date Posted: 24 August 2010 at 12:09pm
Wow sorry for starting this thread and then abandoning it completely ladies. Life has been so busy for me and it's all I can do to keep up with my due in Oct thread 
I've had a bit of a read through some of your stories and I'm so glad that I've started talking to you all now - I'm hoping that by listening to you, I can protect my son against some of the problems you brave women have had to go through already I have to say, reading this thread doesn't inspire any good feelings towards the males of the species.
In saying that, I HAVE to make a decision shortly on whether I am going to push for baby's father to be on this birth certificate. Everytime I think I've made a decision, I flip back again and it's doing my head in  How can I be clear with him when I don't even know what I want from him?
On one hand, the financial side of things means that having him on the birth cert would be very handy. He earns far more than I do and can definitely handle child support - and a vengeful part of me would like to hold him accountable for doing the deed then running away. On the other hand, putting him on the birth cert means he has certain rights he can exercise - and I'm just not sure I want to give him the option of shared care or custody or any such thing. Visiting access is one thing - I would be okay with visiting, but I'm petrified that he might try to get custody (not that he's showing any interest at all, but it's a possibility if I have him on there). I just don't know what to do. I've txted him today to find out what it is he wants to do, and maybe I'll make my decision from there. God I hate having to talk to him, he makes me feel like such a bad person for wanting this baby  
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Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 24 August 2010 at 3:12pm
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Rachel would it be possible for you to just come up with a mutual agreement for child support instead? But then I guess if you do that then he could easily pull out of it. It's a hard one.
And you are not a bad person for wanting the little one who you have made. Bringing a baby into the world is a fantastic previlage. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 24 August 2010 at 4:11pm
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Hi!
I'm 23 and was with the father until i was 10wks. We were only together a few months before that. He was delighted i was pregnant, so so happy about being a father. I travelled out of town to see my midwife, and was going to stay overnight - but missed him so decided to go back early and suprise him. Suprise him i did - mid sexy time with a close friend of mine. He's still very much in love with me (he says) and he's desperatly desperatly in love with his baby and wants to be around as much as he can be. I feel like im unique situation, in that i'm rejecting the father as opposed to him running out on me. However, as he has severe mental health issues - and a large collection of weapons (he actually held a gun to his head and threatened to shoot himself if i left him) and i'm NOT willing to conceed full night or day custody though we will discuss visits as we go along. I would really really like to not have him named on the birth certificate but im getting the feeling that is difficult because i obviously know his full name, his parents name, his address etc etc. I just dont want him to come back later and say "im the father i want every second weekend" or whatever. i dont care about the money ie. child support, i just want to make sure he isnt getting a hand on my child. |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 24 August 2010 at 8:32pm
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Not sure how this works exactly because I think it depends on the situation but my sister went through a similar thing with the whole do I name the father on the birth certificate issue. She named him, not so much for child support purposes but because she thought her son had a right to have both his parents named on the birth certificate.
She was with the father on and off for about 2 months of her son's life (and about two or three months of her pregnancy but they weren't together when he was born). He had mental health issues and when she heard he was on P she got really worried about the whole custody thing. She went for a parenting order and applied for full day to day care with him only having supervised access. He hid from the bayliff who tried to serve papers on him and eventually it went to a formal proof hearing in court where he didn't show up and got signed off without him signing anything. I am not sure if this is partly because there was a question of drugs involved or not. Anyway, I guess my point is that once the child is born you can either get a formal agreement in writing between the two of you that you have day to day care, or take it through the court system so that it is a court order and the father can't come back later and get shared care. However, even if you have a parenting order you are still supposed to consult the father about all major decisions in the child's life (ie what school they go to, where they live, if they get a passport) etc. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 29 August 2010 at 2:11pm
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Welcome BTassh, maebee and mizpix!
I am so lucky I still have a pretty good relationship with my childrens father, I can't imagine having to make all the decisions some of you girls have to make. I have spent this weekend looking at houses! I'm so excited to be finally moving out but my parents aren't happy I'm going so I'm scared they will talk me out of it. Hope everyone is having a good weekend! |
Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 29 August 2010 at 9:23pm
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I have recently separated from my DH (almost 2 weeks ago) and am the same as you Rach - at this stage we have a good relationship, he has the girls every weekend (which is flexible if there is something on, such as my nana's 90th birthday in a couple of weeks) and will be paying child support which will go to the Govt to help pay for my part DPB. I think I have found it slightly easier as I was the one who left, and there wasn't really any abuse or anything that caused our separation. We don't have a parenting agreement in place, as such, it's just verbal that basically DH has them from Friday night to Sunday night, plus comes over on a Wednesday night to do a night routine with them. Sure, we're only at the start, but it works at the moment. We are due to start counselling through the Family Court in the next few weeks which will be interesting.
Ours has been made slightly more difficult by us owning a house with high mortgage payments (not a high mortgage) that can't be sold due to renovations on progress (or it could, but wouldn't realise any money, and probably not enough to repay the mortgage), so I am also paying half of the mortgage, plus my rent. I work part-time as well as getting the DPB so it works out, just. It's a wee bit scary at times, but I have a LOT of support from friends and family, especially my parents, and that makes a phenomenal amount of difference. |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 31 August 2010 at 9:22am
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Aw I'm sorry you had to join us Kate. All the best with the counselling, I wish we had done it but my ex refuses it.
I have found an awesome house walking distance to a great school and the kids preschool. All the other houses Ive found have been in really average school zones and the landlor knows me so is happy for us to move in. I'm just scared how I will cope financially. I've made a budget and it will be pretty tight but I think I can make it work. Does anyone have any great money saving tips? |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 31 August 2010 at 11:16am
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You will be fine Rach. I am also scared how I will manage when the time comes.
Each week I plan on putting money aside for rent, bills, petrol and whatever is left will be for groceries. Also one grocery tip I have is to buy the budget dishwash liquid then pour half into an empty dishwas bottle and top up with water. Does just as good a job and lasts a heap longer. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 31 August 2010 at 11:18am
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Read Babe's tips in general!! I am going to put in a vege garden at this house because it has a glasshouse, so they should grow really well. I can totally relate to the money thing because, although I work part-time as well as the benefit, I am also paying half of the mortgage for our house as well as my rent, so not far off $500 a week on rent and mortgage. This doesn't leave a lot - especially with the girls eating me out of house and home LOL
I am also trying to do things like make meals last two nights (meatballs last night will be tea tonight as well....or maybe I'll freeze it for another night...hrmmm, there's an idea!!), use as little power as possible (I have a heat pump going while we're home, but if I'm at work for the day, or it's just me, I tend to turn it off because the house keeps the heat) and only do one trip out, or walk, as opposed to heaps of little ones, in order to use less diesel. I am also taking advantage of Mum and Dad's generosity whenever it is offered!!! They live round the corner from me, and mum will often cook up some extra veges with theirs, and either drop them round or I pick them up on the way home from work
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Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 26 September 2010 at 12:26pm
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I am beginning to wonder how I am going to manange to rent my own place as well as have enough money to pay bills, buy food and provide for my kids
I am finding it really hard to find a house in the area I want for under $295 that allows a cat and doesn't require references. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 26 September 2010 at 12:42pm
| You'll do it Codysmum - just hang in there. It is tough but you will do it somehow. Can you shift your choice of area at all? Are there any bills you can drop? |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 26 September 2010 at 1:33pm
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I want to stay close to mum so that it is easier for her to help me out when the new bubs arrives and nope no bills I can drop. What makes it harder is that everytime I tell mum that I may have found a potential place she says that the area is bad. She is so negative[:)] .
Have found one on Lincoln Road, just down the road from the hospital which will be handy in a few months. Am going to do a drive by shortly and see what it looks like on the outside. Going by the photos the inside looks pretty basic but can't be fussy. I am also scared that if I decide to go for a house just so that I can move out, then the perfect one will come along and it'll be too late. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 28 September 2010 at 11:53am
| Have you thought about getting a boarder? That is what I have done and it has made everything so much better financially. That and having a really tight budget. Your benefit will go up once you have bubs too. |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 28 September 2010 at 5:06pm
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Acutally I had thought about that Rach. Though they will have to be brave to live with a toddler and newborn. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 28 September 2010 at 5:38pm
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Thats what I thought too but I got a friend who knew the situation and it's working out sweet! Good luck with it all moving is sooo stressful.
Hope everyone else is doing well! |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 29 September 2010 at 8:05am
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yep doing aswell as i can ,man studying brings its own stress but i am passing everything so far. James is doing well at school so we are all good for now just looking forward to our hoiladay at xmas time i cant wait ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 01 October 2010 at 4:43pm
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I know someone who moved in with a woman and her two young kids. 5 years later then got married. That was 20 years ago!! (I love that story, makes me think maybe i won't be alone forever!)
Codysmum - i've heard of a few single moms sharing houses. They're more understanding of babies etc i guess. If you know someone maybe that would be an option...? |
Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 05 October 2010 at 4:03pm
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Well I never thought I would be here but it looks like I am now a single parent. I have no idea where to start and how to rebuild my life, but my son will be my number 1 priority.
My ex had been seeing someone from his work for the last few months and has only just come clean. He has just left and I have no idea what to do. I dont know how I am meant to see him everyday when he visits our son when I am trying to move on from the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 05 October 2010 at 4:33pm
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Welcome to our small but seemingly ever growing number HuntersMama - though I am sorry you are here through circumstances other than choice. We are a bit of a mixture of those who left, and those who were left so the nice thing is plenty of different perspectives to call on. First things first, do you have somewhere to live even if only in the short term? And what about finances? I would suggest ringing WINZ asap (because they will backdate anything you are entitled to from the date you first made contact with them. They will probably make an appointment for you to see them and help you work out what you are entitled to. You are likely to be entitled to the DPB, an accommodation supplement and possibly the emergency benefit plus there might be others I don't know about. You also should contact IRD immediately as they do not backpay child support so you need to get it set up asap. If you are working you will also be entitled to some working for families. Secondly, (I'm doing all the admin type stuff first)...I would recommend doing the Parenting through separation course that is run through the Family Court. Even though this is really fresh for you it might help you to see the way through things in order to do things well for your son. It really helped me to put the relationship stuff seperately. Plus it was really, really nice to meet other people who were single parents, some of whom were several years down the track from separating. The Family Court has a really nice document (that is accessible on their website) that can help you put together a parenting agreement (or parenting order - which is the legally binding version). Once again, it may not be something you are quite ready to do but it's a really nice starting point because it helps you think of things that you may not think of otherwise. Thirdly, what are your own support systems like? Do you have friends / family who can support you both from an emotional viewpoint as well as all the other stuff? You need a place where it is safe (and maybe OhBaby is it) to vent all the stuff you need to. Doesn't matter whether it is rational or not! And if you don't have anyone to vent to you can PM me and yell / cry away as much as you need to!! Sorry this is a bit of a ramble - and bear in mind that it is only the stuff that has been useful or relevant to me so I might be missing things that I'm sure the others will pick up on. In terms of him visiting your son, do you have set arrangements yet? If you are doing everyday visits then maybe you could / should work out a system that means you can leave the house while he is there. That has worked pretty well for us for the short term and because my little boy is older it has helped ensure that he doesn't get confused. He knows that I go to the gym for example when Daddy comes to see him here. That has only worked for us in the short term - now he picks the children up from daycare twice a week, takes them to his house for dinner etc and then brings them home at bedtime. Then he has them one day over the weekend for about six hours. The way I have 'managed' that time is to go and do things that relax me and get out of the house if he is in it! |
Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 05 October 2010 at 7:40pm
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Thank you so much happymumma I think I will here quite a bit from now on.
I am lucky in that I have great family and friends who are being really supportive to me. The sad thing is alot of them have been through the same thing and I never ever thought my ex would do this to me. It is good to read that things do get easier which I dont believe right now, but im sure it will happen. We are in the house we own, which we will need to sell pretty soon. I will get in touch with winz etc over hte next few days. I am working part time, and will see what financial support I am entitled too, otherwise might have to go back to full time to make ends meet. I have my mum staying for the next 2 nights then my SIL will stay - I am not ready to be alone just yet. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 05 October 2010 at 8:00pm
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I work two days a week and am paying the mortgage on the house we still currently own (in our case a bit more than market rent would be) so you should be able to find a way to make ends meet. It's tough - but definitely able to be done. So don't forget working for families in that case. You will definitely be entitled to that too. It's wonderful that you have great support. And if some are people who have been through the same then you will be in good hands. Take what you need to get through right now and hang in there. It does get better but you need to take some serious time to take care of yourself. One other administrative thing...in the event of separation (if they know) most banks have a policy that means they freeze some or all joint accounts. In Kiwibanks case they only freeze joint credit cards but National Bank will freeze everything. I got stuck initially because ex DH rang our bank and they promptly cut off all access so I had no funds at all. I see why they do it but it certainly made things difficult and neither of us had any intention of running off with any money. I hope things go okay for you over the next few days. |
Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 05 October 2010 at 8:32pm
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We might talk more tomorrow about the bank account etc as we only have a joint account. We get paid on alternate fortnights and its his pay week this week so as long as there is enough $$ to cover the mortgage we should be OK.
Thanks for your advice, its good to chat with someone who has been through this and come out the other end with a little bubba not much older than mine. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 05 October 2010 at 8:46pm
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That is one bonus (if you can see it that way) - that he will not remember any of this and whatever life looks like down the track will be 'normal' for him. I firmly believe that as long as children are shown that both parents love them (whether separated or not), have healthy relationships (of many sorts) as an example for them, and are given enough routine and security so that they feel they know what is coming next they will be just fine. You will be okay. Just take things one day at a time, take time for yourself and you will soon find out what a strong person you are. |
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 06 October 2010 at 7:12am
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I,m so sorry this has happen to you Huntersmama big hugs hun it gets better bit by bit and you will be surprise just how strong you relly are ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 06 October 2010 at 8:32am
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I hope it does james - it just really sux at the moment. I am still telling people and hope that will be done by the end of the week. It just brings it all up again seeing my friends and family so hurt. I hope I can stop bawling one of these days! My dad is coming over this morning then I have to break it to my grandparents which will be really hard. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: drumstx
Date Posted: 06 October 2010 at 8:38am
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xoxoxo huntersmama, i am 3 months in wif three kids and yes! you will stop crying, i kno it is hard but you will get there! i took little steps, one thing to sort each day, had shower brushed my hair and teeth and ate something. No matta how crappy i felt. i will be okay, i understand the granparent thing also, it was really hard for me too. good luk
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Posted By: minik8e
Date Posted: 06 October 2010 at 11:54am
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One thing about the bank accounts - if you go to WINZ and you get a DPB topup, you will need your own account. They will not pay the DPB into a joint account.
*hugs* to you. |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 06 October 2010 at 4:01pm
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Hi Huntersmama - i'm really sorry to see you here under these circumstances. But you're going to be ok!
HappyMumma - can you give a link to the family court parenting order thing? |
Posted By: happymumma
Date Posted: 06 October 2010 at 4:35pm
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Yep. Here are two useful Family Court links. One is their page of support services for those separating. http://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/family-court/what-family-court-does/support-services - http://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/family-court/what-family-court-does/support-services http://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/family-court/what-family-court-does/parenting - http://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/family-court/what-family-court-does/parenting Second on is the parenting plan stuff. If you look down the page you will find a link to the document. They also have information about separating in general and the separation of property and belongings.
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Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:12am
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The parenting thru separation course looks good. Has anyone been through counselling once it was decided that you are going to seperate? We had a session planned for this weekend, our 2nd one when we were trying to keep things together but im going alone. We get 3 free sessions through work, so Im not sure if I should continue with them or go for the sessions through the family courts.
All my close family know now, I havent spoken to my grandparents - I have been avoiding them so Im sure they knew something wasnt right. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:28am
Aww I'm really sorry you are in here HuntersMama 
I found it really hard telling people too, don't put too much pressure on yourself people will understand xx |
Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:37am
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Thats the worst part for me telling people! I feel like I cant move on until I have told everyone as it just brings it all back up again each time.
This week has just sucked, so I am back to work next week and trying to get back to a normal routine for me and DS. I need to start looking for full time work which Im not keen on, but it has to be done. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 9:44am
| How many hours do you work? As a single mother you only need to work 20 to be entilted to the in work part of working for families and they will top you up to reach a certain level (if you aren't earning that much already). |
Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 2:13pm
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At the moment I work 24 hours a week so im not sure if WFF or going back full time is the best option. I am looking at taking over the mortgage and renting out our place but I will still have to contribute up to $300 a week so I really need to be earning as much as I can. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 3:49pm
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Hugs HuntersMama. It is really hard going out on your own, but think positive and you will manage it.
Does anyone know how taking in a boarder works? I am guessing that there must be a certain way to do it so that the DPB isn't affected. Am just thinking of maybe getting a 3 bedroom house and doing that. Only prob is that most of them are asking for $300 or more a wk so that only way I wil be able to afford it is if I had a boarder. And if I did how much would I be able to ask them to pay each wk e.t.c Are any of you Auckland single mums interested in having a meet up? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 07 October 2010 at 4:21pm
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Surely it wouldnt affect your DPB? Since its the same as having a flatmate and (as far as i know) they don't affect it since they don't support you.
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Posted By: Whateversville
Date Posted: 08 October 2010 at 7:57pm
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Hi girls, I'm pretty much just wanting to have a whinge. I was looking on baby's dads FB and his friend asked how old his boy is. He replied "He's 6 months on the 9th" As you can all see, it's the 8th and he's 6 months today. I feel slightly angry about it. I mean it could of been a mistake but the convo goes on for a big so he could of corrected it if it was.
He's a pretty slack dad. DS cried when he was here on Monday. Just looked at him in disgust and cried. Sorry you had to join us HuntersMama x CodysMm I'm pretty sure it's fine to get borders. Just let WINZ know ? But they're not supporting you so your DPB shouldn't change |