really didnt want to confess this but i know i need to say something coz i know myself well enough to know i REALLY need help!!

I confess i just had a mini mental breakdown and have just woken up from crying myself to sleep, i am so angry at myself and at DH, i have also contemplated leaving DH and running to my mums and even thought about and made a mental list of what to take with me for charlotte coz i HATE it here, i contemplated myself becoming and mother and then thought about how to go about sorting out the adoption papers for her birth coz ... well we wont go there for now!!... I have also thought of downing the bottle of wine in the fridge and not giving a sh*t about the consequences! or maybe trying some of the hard liquor we have that i dont normally even drink!

Im not trying to seek sympathy, i dont want people to make rude and mean comments, i just purely want some support and advice from ANYONE that has felt like this coz right now i think im as low as i can go and wont be touching the meds yet for fear of doing something with them...

noodle, My DH doesnt even know, hes gone off with his mum to run some errand when i had woken.

My mw and Gp are getting letters in the post about my feelings coz im in a preg/NB study and part of that came back with higher than normal scores indicating depression etc, my mw also mentioned last week that she noticed i seemed to be heading downwards again so she is aware and is watching out.

I have trouble speaking out for myself but i have my next appt mon and i am sure DH will speak up, even though i dont confide these feelings to him he knows soomething up, he studies psychology and knows the signs from my previous depression....

I cant help think that its just a phase coz we just got back from a really nice break away and all the crazy emotions with the impending birth and personal issues with money and stuff, i just think its all getting a bit much and my mind is having trouble comprehending it all at the same time...i tried to talk to my mum who has also had depression/anxiety issues and she sort of suggested that i was just on a low from the holiday etc etc so was no blardy help.

DH is about to get back so i cant chat on msn atm but iv added you amme!! thanks hun XX

p.s thanks for the number ill pop it in my phone!

lizzle thanks so much for the offer hun but im surrounded here literally, dh is here and we have PIL and BIL like less than 10meters away ALWAYS, in one sense thats probably half the problem...they are always here, got them coming over in 10mins for a roast chicken iv cooked...every time ...SIGH...

im thinking of showing dh the original post as i think it would be easier  than trying to communicate it but im scared too :-S

edited for spelling lol

Tali, we have his family coming over very soon for dinner tho, should i just turn it round or wait till after they go home?

edited to add ill try after they go home tonight...everytime i re-read what i wrote the more worried i get about him reading it :-S

linzy, dinner was ok, my roasts are always a hit, dh and i had a good snuggle on the couch and felt our baby girl squirm, am about to show him the posts then probably off to bed to have a bit of a chat id say, not that i feel like it...

il report in tomorrow, thanks for the support so far ladies xx

hey ladies, thanks for all your support and advice, i showed Dh this forum and he read through my parts and got a bit upset so naturally i cried too, however he as really sweet but told me off for not talking to him etc...

one thing that really hit me hard though was he admitted he had also thought of leaving me a few times and that he would want to take charlotte!! that has kinda scared me a little bit but he reassures me that although that would be the easier thing to do he will never do it as he loves me and wants this baby with all his heart and will fight for the three of us.

We got a the course related costs paid out last night for his study (about $500) so that has cut our cc debt in half now thank god and i feel slightly less stressed about the financial worries we have with the things still left to get...hes said we can go and get them over this week so that everythings all ticked off to remove even more stress so thats good. I think for me is to try and relax and spend more time being with DH and maybe getting out and being with people i love to be around if not for distraction but to realize that life goes on around me and that no matter how im feeling its not going to stop and end because i feel down or anxious, it keeps spinning and time keeps ticking so i need to enjoy every second of it or ill potentially miss something great!

Thanks again ladies, i think ill use this thread as a bit of a journal for a bit so feel free to keep reading along and offering advice if you want to.

Nic so sorry to read your post, good on you for talking to DH though he's a good man and he loves you and your baby girl. Sharing your fears with him means you don't have to do it on your own.
Love to you  from your OB buddies.

thanks heather and fleur, it means alot knowing you guys care!!

Im feeling a bit better now...

Just got back and other than the snacks which well buy at our bit off topic in one sense but here goes...

Just got back from a big shop and other than the snacks which well buy at our next shop my hospital bag is 100% packed!!

I have now got 2 nursing singlets ($18.99 each)and two sets of button fronted Pjs (new one was $40 down to $15), plus my actually maternity pj set which also has a nursing singlet built in...we also got a set of 100% bamboo basinett sheets (so have 3 sets now) for $20 and also got a medicine applicator thingy and aspirator for her first aid kit, also a pair of jandals for the shower for $5!

I also got all these great bits from countdown, i got a dishwasher basket for bottles, toys all that for $5!, got two pacifiers, got a bottle for WAY later lil for $4.40, and got a wrist rattle for $3.98.

Im feeling really fully prepped now, am about to hang up the last curtain in her nursery and then paint her wooden "C"

those that have FB will be able to see the finished nursery otherwise youll have to wait for my tour video on youtube

Good for you hun, doing stuff always give me a sense of acomplishment and makes me feel better.

do you guys want me to post pics of the nursery in here?? theyll be on my FB and probably in sept thread tho...?

Done the curtain all by myself, DH will be proud and now off to paint her wooden "C"...then  its picture taking time lol

Stick em in the photo gallery if you want to show them off in here.

Yeah we just finished those on tues so that probably contributed to the Holey crap side of it lol

photos are on my FB now and just making the topic in the photo gallery now, go check it out

heres the link

http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/Forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=35216&PN=1&TPN=1 - http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/Forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=35216&PN=1&TPN=1

well bubs has officially dropped as well, my tummy is super low and the pressure and round ligament pain is crazy! i now CANT go through the night with getting up to pee, hav managed to get this far without needing to so that pretty awesome but now my sleep is really disturbed and its making me really irritable. Of course DH is copping all the flack from that as well and it pushes him away as he doesnt want to be around a grouchy B****.

I seem to be falling into a rhythem and wonder if its bubs' activity that waking me as it seems to be every 2.5-3 hours ish which is probably when shes going to wake for feeds. Its really frustrating as im so tired and want to get as much sleep as i can before she gets here but shes obviously intent on me learning now. I dont know how to handle myself and my emotions when im tired because they just snap so easily, i can see myself getting annoyed and then just snapping back at someone who i know has good intention but they just piss me off asking simple questions like "how are you?" or "what did you get up to today?" grrr

I got my letter from the sleep study im in with massey university studying the effects of tiredness etc on pregnant women and then women with a newborn, anyway it says my edinborough score was 16 and that they have forwarded this to my mw etc...crazy seeing it on paper, makes me realize i cant just walk away from this, noting will change if i dont do something about it. My mw will also have the letter today and so im sure she will bring it up on monday at my visit so im going to make sure that DH knows and that he helps me talk it through with her more so that we can sort something out...

nathansmummy - my mw has also said that going on AD's before the end of preg can help prevent some cases of PND.

haha amme i have thought about doing some nurseries, iv had a few PM's over my preg about people wanting to fly me to them to paint a mural etc haha....maybe i should look into it lol might be hard with a new babe but feilding isnt far

i felt quickening from about 14weeks and kicks by 16 weeks which is quite early for a first im told, but she has always been a very active bubs...i dont get any peace anymore haha and some movements hurt too!

fleur - we go to be around 11pm or something as dh isnt home from work till about 10:15 so hes wired and usually stays up a bit and i cant sleep with noise in the other rooms or without him in the bed when i know hes here. So early bedtimes arent really our thing...i was up at 3 am and 5:30am this morning and then up again at about 8am i think....really takes its toll as it takes me so long to get comfy for sleep now (trying to ALWAYS be on the left to turn bubs) that it takes ages before i get to the quality REM sleep....

ergh sometimes i feel like i have no dam support!!

thanks hun, im just so over it

im seriously not going to tell anyone iv gone into labour or shes born if I have to have this baby to everyone else's schedules!!!

Tali, ill copy some of those pics accross, its a wooden C from spotlight, and also some wooden swirls from there too, i have a small colection of them, i used them on her shower invites too....and the glitter flowers where just scrapbooking embellishments and match on most things iv done like her name plaque and her ceiling light shade...then ribbon all the way around....done...took maybe 30mins

last night, once again sucked!! have pain running down the whole right right of my back from the way i must of ended up sleeping...also still feeling crampy under my bump....ergh i feel huge right now and have three week left!!! maybe up to 5 if im late and get induced....OMG that is sooo not a nice thought right now!!

the problem is nathansmummy that we are rural, although its not way out (like 5-10mins to town) i still need a car to get anywhere and we have one in this family which dh's takes to work unless i drop him off and have to head out at 10pm to get him, its not safe to walk anywhere as we live on a very main road (highway) and many trucks come down it and cars go very fast...although im close to alot (other than friends and family) i feel super isolated!! ALL of my friends IRL are at least 30mins drive away so never come up to see me anymore and coz of my lack of vehicle its hard for me to get to them too....sigh...

mailto:M@B08 - M2B08 - she does know as shes on AD's too!!!! hers was from being made redundant and and losing her confidence and then anxiety when trying to get jobs etc etc etc....she knows EXACTLY how i feel and we are usual;ly in general very close but she just seems to think that because she had no family around and no help when i was born that we dont need it either...im like ummm different circumstances for a start...she was 10 years older than i am when having her first, which makes a big difference and i HAVE family nearby so it isnt any excuse to just ignore me!! She is really excited to be a NAN and they have picked that they want to be called NAN and POP and she loves talking to my belly and feeling her move when i do see her and has gone bonkers and spent lots on wool and knitting stuff for her, but general support is absent...

 have another worry today, i know bubba is supposed to slow movements down and stuff near the end but how slow should it go and how quickly should it decrease, iv noticed over the last few days (since she dropped) that she isnt moving around as much or as strong...im unsure if i should be worried about this or not as she IS still moving but its alot less (shes been VERY active)

very true fleur!! no i havnt needed too coz she was so active, she would give me my 10 kicks before i even got up in the mornings lol

OMG! i know the feeling, without OB and FB id been really screwed! its the only thing stopping me going completely off my rocker! well have babes soon to keep us more occupied tho

I really need to go to some of the meet ups if i can as i think that would help too, but im really shy at first and get anxiety when trying new things like that so it becomes really hard for me.

Although sometimes i worry about being too addicted to it, coz even when im away from home i want to check my fave threads and FB :S but i think id be worse without it as id have NO human contact other than DH and PIL....

lol yeah i look forward ot mondays as thats DH's friday so that means we are close to our weekend and i can go out and do stuff!

Maybe ill make the next palmy one if i find out about it before it happens for a change haha and maybe  i can provide NB cuddles as an icebreaker haha

...

its ok im fine....iv been feeling really miserable and crampy and had some nasty "practise" contractions last night which were really bad compared to even the evening ones which i was timing as were 30mins apart...i have a feeling ill be dealing with this for quite some time...yay for fullterm today though!!!

I have had more of the baby cant be born this day or on a weekday and sh*t too, dh tried to get me to go down to pram to see mum anyway and screw the petrol costs but im feeling so rejected and miserable that i just dont want to, i feel like im not wanted anymore...not that he realized it when he said it but, dh also said "its really sad that a mother doesnt want to to see her own daughter"...i had to bite back the tears while i dropped him off

i cant borrow theirs as they are all needed and are manuals which i cant drive anyway..i also thought of getting them to drop dh off for a bit but i still dont know where i would go as my friends are all miles away and are busy working or uni so its hard to make any plans...

T-Rex - enjoy the last few, ergh i just want her out lol im over the false pains its like having my endo period pains for days in a row again just not as bad

I can drive a manual but i got my license in an auto and im on restricted so im only legally allowed to drive an auto unless a full liscensed driver is in the front of the manual...iv never had a reason to get my full license and it costs too atm anyway but do plan to get it next year.

All three cars are generally in use everyday though so the chances are really slim of borrowing one aswell.

i dont mind not being able to drive places or whatever its the fact that its too dangerous to just go for a nice walk that sux, i used to walk everyday when we lived in town and loved it, was when me and DH did most of our talking and alone time..i miss it :'(

YAY mum has organised to be able to take time off when she hears im in labour and so has my lil brother, so sweet, hes so excited!

so now ill get to have mum there when shes born and for extra support/taking pics etc so that mat can do more back rubbing haha

feeling a bit more supported now, i think she realized this is a once in a lifetime opp here as im her only daughter, that and my BFF and lil brother all made the effort to organise to leave work so yeah...either way im glad shes making an effort now

got mw tomorrow so hopefully she can tell me some good news on the engaged/dialation front....id love to be on the way to labour...dont mind waiting another week or two but really dont want to go overdue!

not sure how long she will stay as even dh has to go home after 10pm on any night ...not if im in labour though haha

now i kinda feel guttered dad isnt coming up ahaha hes the only other one, but mum i actualy want in the birthing room with me and mat so shes the only one that "needs" to be there i guess

iv had the worst sleep ALL pregnancy, got up three times (so unlike me) and now cant go back to bed coz i feel like i need to pee SUPER bad, oh the pressure im in tears from the lack of sleep as well as the pain, Dh is upset coz he hates seeing me like this...so im just sitting here trying to "hold on" to an empty bladder, freaking rediculous!!

we have thunder here, i dont like it, never have, the sound is just so angry to me or something.......hope everyone else is as snug as a bug!

im up on the couch while dh is snug as a bug in bed, hes getting the lie in for a change lol though hes complained he missed the thunder!! I WISH!!!

Im a bit anxious about my mw appt today as shes made a long appt as she reckons theres alot to cover....i just know part of that is a yucky strep B swab test , maybe an internal which im so embarrassed about but want to know, something must be happening by now surely,...i want this baby out!!! but the thing im worried most about is that shell have a copy of that letter from the sleep study im in informing her that i have a higher than normal edinborough score which can indicate depression....especially when she raised me falling back into my older (1st trimester) ways at my last appt two weeks ago...sigh...part of me wants to go back on the drugs to just make myself feel  a little bit happier every day but part of me wants to try and fight this out, though i failed last time and probably should have sought help sooner...im not sure about alot these days, my marriage, my home, my animals, my life....one thing i do know is that im sure i want charlotte and i want her OUT!!

well dont know if any of you have stalked my due in thred but we had a big wed!!

18/08/2010

woke up with intense pressure on bladderfelt nauseated and no matter how much i ate i felt staving

had hot shower and when i came out mat commented that my legs were blueand when he touched them they were ice cold!I looked down my ankles had also dissappeared into my claves withswelling.

Mw appointment - Blood pressure seemed normal and she couldnt explain the intense swelling or that they were blue and cold to the touch.I told her that he movement was very low especially today and i wasexperiencing alot of braxton hicks.

She did a pee test which was also negative.

She referred me to the hospital for monitoring.

Hospital appointment - was there for 5 hours all up.

Was put on a CTG machine for over an hour which showed that she had anawesome heart rythem and that she was indeed moving around fine...It also showed that i was having regular tightenings...they then drew bloods and did a urine sample which were also fine...By this time wed been there well over two hours...they then got the doc in and he did a scan which showed her head down, the cord was up by her neck but flowing at a really good rate.It also showed that the amnio fluid level was on the lower side of normal also will have to be watched and if i make it to my EDD i will be scanned then and not left till the normal 41 weeks. I am to have Blood pressure monitoring 3 times a week as my BP there was (first reading) 150/110 and (second reading) 139/90 which is highfor me!!! im usually about 110/60 lol!

DOC thinks this might be the start of pre-eclampsia :(

She is very posterior however so need to work on that, not that we didnt already know...By the time i had the scan i was contracting with period type cramps every15mins...so they did an internal which showed me at 1cm dialated.

The doctor said it doesnt sound like im in labour just yet but could go anytime.

On the car ride home they have so far got down to every 10mins...

***so got the internal haha*** wasnt so bad afterall ...swelling is slightly better now and BP check on thurs showed higher than normal for me but not over their "PE numbers" so they arent too concerned...so now im just back to riding out the false labour and waiting...sigh...

swelling is still there and getting very painful!!

girlygirl i just snappes today, we were printing pics in the warehouse so i was doing all the ones i wanna scrap for charlotte and i went through their papers and books etc as i havnt got an album yet...anyway i bought it round to dh who was sitting at the photo booth going through pics and once we were done (we had to wait an hour for processing) i showed him the few bits i wanted and how much it was...he basically said to me its a waste of time and money as ill NEVER even do coz i was going to with our wedding ones and still havnt lol...anyway im dead set to do them for charlotte!!...i just got upset and said "yes i will, i want this for her" and he basically shot me down again with "um how many other scrapbooks do we have that you havnt done?" and i looked at the stuff and realised he might be right...so i just said "k ill put it back and use what iv got first to prove it" and starting walking back tot eh craft isle...meanwhile hes hot on my heals saying  "no no well buy it hun, if you want it...no dont go putting it back coz ill just pick it up again and buy it"....it made me furious and to make matter worse the isle had like 6 people down it so i placed the things down where i got them and then started to walk away...OMG HE PICKED THEM UP and tried to follow me so i whipped round and said "i dont f**king want them now put them the f**k down!!"

the looks i got were so....demeening that i just ran away 3 isles over to the shoes where i sat and cried!!! i was so embarrassed by my own reaction and him!

im still angry at him and embarressed as my lil brother whos staying witnessed it all and looked very awkward standing like  meters back from us while we fought in the shoe isle! 

OMG!! hugs hun!! nothing is worth taking your life over!! EVER! i tried cutting years ago, was too hurt myself never kill myself but one slip and i could have!!!

Im glad your seeking help, that show some true courage that im yet to do...my mum is on fluox and is really good so dont be scared hun!!

my cell is 0273353061 if you need a chat urgently k, anytime!

PHEW im glad your ok, iv had you in my thoughts the whole time hoping ya havnt done anything silly!!

im glad they could sort it all out for hun and that youll be back to reality soon lol...nothing like a meds F**K up to send you down nutters row aye...

i was suppsoed to be referred for assessment etc but i havnt heard anything....sigh....

im having some accupunction done tomorrow for pre labour type stuff, mw suggested i give it a go...not sure how effective it will be as not sure i really believe in that stuff since the seabands acupressure bands didnt help me at all...we shall see.

im having lots of meltdown moments, weve lost my dogs tags and loked everywhere and they have dissappeared..ended up slamming everything in anger yet crying in frustration...and when we went to mw today dh had pissed me off a little bit with his lack of help around the house so was a bit grumpy and to be honest almost about to cry in the waiting room and feel really miserable...then when my mw asked how things were going like she always does at the start i had to bite my lip to stop myself crying and just said fine...just over it...

i so hate it....its like all the preggy hormone sh*t has hit at once, and suffering false labour over and over is just making everything worse!! i had 5 hours of 8min apart contractions on mon that just stopped at 10pm...

also, i know every tells me that i wont care in the end as all ill be focused on will be getting her out but....im really upset and anxious about the fact that thurs through sun (my EDD) next week my mw will be totally un accessible at a conference!!!

i want HER there not some random, although the accupuncturist tomorrow is her back up (well one of them) so i will meet her but i need that bond if you know what i mean,....i dont just trust anybody! especially down there!

im also anxious about the accupuncture as iv never done it before and i have to drive to otaki to do it and its not till 11am....i like things to be first thing to help my anxiety as i can get up and go so waiting around isnt going to help!!

okay so i havnt written in a while

quick update is that i had the sleep study edinborough score of 16...mw tried to refer me to mental health but the have asked i do another test to see if its worse....im now at level 23!!! so they are directly going to my GP to get citrolopram or whatever its called as she wants me on Meds NOW!!...

kinda scared to be on them but i guess its for the best....they want me on them by the weekend!

well we had more dramas today.... got the call from mental health to ask my docs number so she can contact her officially and ask for a script...my F*ck stick of a GP said No even when she tried to convince her that i needed them NOW ...apparently she wont write it without seeing me so promply told her to call me and tell me to make an appt....

UMM NO!! i dont hav the $40 for an appt, i sure as hell dont want to go all the way to pram two days in a row/ dont want to waste $20 on an EXTRA trip...plus i have to be at hospital for another TRIP to palmy on monday aswell...we aint made of money lady!!!

even the mental health lady wasnt impressed...not sure what to do now as she wanted me on them before the weekend since im to take half tabs for a week then go onto 20mg and ideally she wants me on full dose before bubs...haha yeah right!!

lol TaliP keep an eye on my due thread for text updates....my text buddy had hers today so shell be home soon to update my labour and delivery...

unless you have my FB lol as im planning to text that from unit....

thanks hun

quick update on me:

GP only works mon and thurs and today im in palmy for hosp and thurs i see mw so cant see her for over a week if i tried and then bubs will be here probably and so wont be able to get down there as its just too far...stupid cow!!

officially one day overdue today....really gutting to be honest although the idea of her birth is now more freaking scarey than exciting!

we have to brave slips and flooding to get to palmy for monitoring/tests/scan today so wish us all the best, hoping to get a S&S while im there too...will update how it went when we get back...

xx

Weve just been for another hospital trip for monitoring and a scan and come away happy shes perfectly fine but that im still having strong contractions and nothings happening, i also got told that Stretch n sweeps arent their job when kim (my mw)  told me id be able to get one...im really feeling rather let down by the whole system and now have to wait till thursday to see kim for my first S&S at nearly 41 weeks, they mentioned today that if this keeps up and she hangs on then il be looking down the barrel of induction at 42weeks and that has me VERY upset, i dont want to birth in palmy let alone i wanted this to be a very natural experience. 

Everything is just becoming too much and i want to just chill out at home, enjoy my days alone with mat and try not to think about how down i am and the impending arrival too much...but thats not going to be easy,...on the way home we got texts from my parents, my brother and calls from each of mats parents...i was getting so annoyed that i just told mathew to answer his own dam fone and risk a fine coz he was driving!!!! I never do that!!!

im so terrified of this birth yet terrified of it making it to induction

STATS FROM HOSPITAL TRIP:

CTG was perfect, Heartrate was gorgeous, LOTS of movement including a set of hiccups, and contractions 10-15mins apart measuring about 99!! Scan showed lots of fluid all be it all in one pocket and good size, BP was 130/74 so no sign of pre-eclampsia :)

ok this is probably really wrong but i dont know where else i can vent it too so here goes...

im getting really upset everytime i hear of a new baby in my due thread here or others im in and although i cant help myslef checking in i also am not starting to have alot of trouble coping with all the congrats going to someone else....esp those that werent even due yet or had electives before their dates....

it all just seems soo dam unfair....its so stupid i know but i am really happy for them as iv got to know them and subsequently their babies but i can help but go "oh yay, she had her bubs" and then straight into crying and "why the hell isnt that me!??"

today is a good example, a girl i talk to very often is finally having her baby at 41 weeks so shes even a few days over more than me and she is also been feeling upset and scared at the idea and without getting into the whole situation im just going to say shes had it alot harder than me and probably alot more pain so she deserves it well and truely....but its turned my day into a complete rollercoaster as im so stoked shes finally getting her lil girl but i want mine too and i really wanted todays date aswell which she is definately going to get....it makes it really hard to be truely happy for her and i HATE that about myself atm

RARRRRR im thinking i need to get dh to disable some websites for a while maybe?

Not supid hun, id be the same if i was having a boy!!! crazy as it seems we really wanted a girl as i do have a great friendship with my mum and mat really wants a daughter so it was girl or be dissappointed for us.....sounds mean and ungreatful but i do get those feelings!! i sad to mat when we went for our scan, "what the hell are we goin to be like if its a boy?" i was really scared of my reaction to it being a boy more than anything.....the really stupid thing is i want one of each gender anyway so realistically it wouldnt have even mattered but we just want a girl so bad and i always go by the "ya never know, i may only get to have one baby" theory lol....

sorry for rambling, just thought id let you know theres bound to be lots of us out there that would be "dissappointed" or Upset that ya arent getting the flavour that you were hoping for but to be honest your NOT your mum so things will NOT turn out the same, you are you and if you want a relationship with your daughter your th one that has to work on that from the moment shes born!