Break up
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Single parenting
Forum Description: Share tips, trials and tribulations about parenting alone
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39014
Printed Date: 17 February 2025 at 4:58pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Break up
Posted By: newme
Subject: Break up
Date Posted: 04 May 2011 at 9:56am
|
Hi
Just found out that my husband kissed and messed around with someone else. They didn't have sex though. So I am ending it with him. I am absolutely devastated and scared about the future. I don't know where to start or what to do. I have told a few friends we are splitting up, but not the reason why. I haven't had the heart to tell my family yet. I just want what is best for my kids and I think if everyone knew why that would make it worse. It is really difficult as there are virtually no rental properties available after the earthquake and there is no where he can go and stay. So he is still at home. He really does not want to break up, and says that he is so sorry and he will change, blah blah blah. but I feel like all trust has been destroyed and I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I can't trust my husband. And the thought of him ever touching me again disgusts me. But he is actually a good person and a wonderful father. He has asked if he can stay living in the house, as flatmates until he finds somewhere to go. I have said maybe but really think this might just prolong all the pain and unhappiness. But I know it would be better for the kids if he was here. I would like any advice please. I am shocked, shaken and really scared. |
Replies:
Posted By: Nothing
Date Posted: 04 May 2011 at 11:37am
 Awwww it sounds like you are in a hard spot, I dont really have any advice but just wanted to send some hugs your way  ------------- 
|
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 04 May 2011 at 7:36pm
|
^^ snap.
My 10c is that it will only prolong things with you living together - the atmosphere will no doubt be crappy for your kids. Sure its great to have their dad around but perhaps its better they have a few great days with him then constant tension? Does he have family in chch he could impose on for a few weeks to give you a chance to consider if things are better for you (and the kids) with or without him in the house? I understand that his infidality is a deal breaker for you but have you considered counselling? Not for your relationship as a couple but to keep things happy for the kids? I'm so sorry you're in this sh*t situation. For what its worth thats the number one reason i split with my ex (he had some serious kissing with another girl while i was throwing up my toes every morning while pregnant with our son!) so i know what a sucker punch it is. Hold on there, it does get better. And we're always here for a good bitch session 
|
Posted By: mothermercury
Date Posted: 04 May 2011 at 8:17pm
|
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I went through the same thing and it sucked, so you have my sympathy. Infidelity was absolutely a dealbreaker for me too; I could never trust his word again.
My opinion is that it will be very stressful for you to have him there as a flatmate. You say it might be better for the kids to have him there, but at some point he's going to have to leave. Unless he's going to be your flatmate forever (this would be hard work and probably very strange for the kids!), there is going to have to be a point where they are separated for a bit. Try not to worry too much about your kids in this respect; they are very resilient. It's come as a big shock to you, so you need to think about your own feelings as well. I do think you always need to think about what's best for your children, but don't forget to think about yourself. It sounds like he is a good father, so hopefully you can come up with a good arrangement. E-hugs, lady. PM me if you need someone to vent to.
|
Posted By: Jaune
Date Posted: 04 May 2011 at 8:29pm
|
Sorry that you're in this situation, it must be really hard.
Here's my story...it might help? My parents divorced when I was about 5yrs old...I hardly remember them together and wasn't involved in the break-up at all so didn't know reasons why etc. Recently I've found out that they broke up because of infidelity on my Dad's part. Both have been apart for almost 30yrs. They are now both married again (to different people) for the 3rd time...although not in the best relationships. Mum has said that her biggest regret is not going to counselling and ensuring that she did everything she could to either save the relationship or work out that it was not possible to salvage it. Think really hard about your relationship. It might be worthwhile going to counselling? One session where you can get everything out on the table? A bit of hardwork now, learning to trust again etc, or establishing that it is totally done and dusted might be better than years of regret later on... If you are totally adamant that you're better off apart, then having experience as a child from a broken family I can tell you that happy parents apart are much more fun than grumpy/angry ones together. Hope you're ok ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: ....
Date Posted: 04 May 2011 at 9:09pm
| A lot of old pubs have single accomodation above them, often offering long term stays at reasonable (a bit cheaper than a small rental property) rates, and often include meals, maybe that is something he could look into for a start? |
Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 04 May 2011 at 10:08pm
|
I really feel for you... not an easy situation esp with the situation in chch the way it is. I am the same as you and would want to end it as the trust has been violated... I did once live with an ex for a year after we broke up but it wasn't the same situation (i.e. we mutually ended it) and I wouldn't recommend it as it's really hard to move on in any way... ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: newme
Date Posted: 07 May 2011 at 11:00am
|
thanks for the advice. I have agreed to go to counselling to see if we can sort something out. I feel like i have to do what is best for my kids. but in saying that, i don't know if i could ever trust him.
But, i have decided, and i know this is probably stupid but i really do not care, but i am going to cheat on him now. just so we are on an even footing, and it would be quite nice to have some attention from another man. just don't know where i am going to find someone!! once you have kids and stop work, social interactions with single available men are not that common! |
Posted By: mothermercury
Date Posted: 07 May 2011 at 1:50pm
I would think that would really be at cross purposes with the counselling.
|
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 07 May 2011 at 2:39pm
| I know that sounds really good in theory but will probably cause more trouble then its worth in the long run. |
Posted By: Jaune
Date Posted: 07 May 2011 at 5:04pm
|
What Bowie said... And you might find that you don't get from it what you think you would. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Nothing
Date Posted: 07 May 2011 at 7:29pm
|
Yeah I wouldnt go there until you have things sorted with your DH first, it will just make the whole situation horrible and he might start down the family court route -------------
|
Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 16 May 2011 at 12:33pm
|
I agree not a great idea, but if I'm honest I would probably feel the same... ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |