Pregnant and single
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Single parenting
Forum Description: Share tips, trials and tribulations about parenting alone
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=40307
Printed Date: 24 November 2024 at 5:57am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Pregnant and single
Posted By: aers270191
Subject: Pregnant and single
Date Posted: 25 August 2011 at 8:19pm
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Hi there,
After a sudden pregnancy in a new relationship, my partner has decided to leave me as he doesnt want to be with me or our child. I am 18 weeks pregnant and he announced that he never wanted this, even when he was presented with the opportunity of alternate options and never said no. Just looking out there for anyone who has been through this, and hoping to get some insight as to where I go from here. Thank you |
Replies:
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 25 August 2011 at 10:13pm
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I broke up with my first daughter's dad when I was about 7 weeks pregnant,we had only been together about 8 or 9 weeks.
Happy to answer any questions for you :-) ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: ange221
Date Posted: 26 August 2011 at 8:25am
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I broke up with DS's father when I was about 10 weeks pregnant and moved from the north to the south island to be closer to family. I lived back with my parents until DS was about 6 months old then went out on my own. It was hard but we made it. Also happy to answer any questions.
------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: aers270191
Date Posted: 26 August 2011 at 8:56am
| Thanks guys! Im looking at moving back to Auckland to be closer to family once I finish up at work, and see where I go from here. Have made Chch my home over the past 2 1/2 years which has been fantastic, but being closer to my family will be alot easier. How did you go with with those last few months coping with say grocery shopping, or anything like in my case, looking after my 8 month old kitten too!?! |
Posted By: ....
Date Posted: 26 August 2011 at 10:45am
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I was 10 weeks when I moved back to my mums, at about 20 weeks he decided he wasn't keen on baby anymore (even though he'd also been presented with other options and said nonono).
You can still do that stuff, it just takes a bit longer, and the shopping cart might have more choccie biscuits hehe. |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 26 August 2011 at 1:29pm
| I left my sons dad when i was around 9 weeks, moved home to my parents when i was 32 weeks to set up and prepare. Am still here (DS is 6 months) but am actively looking to move out. I would move back to your folks if you can manage it, my mom doesnt look after DS at all but she looks after me. Just having someone to help with the little thing like get your clean clothes of the line before it rains when DS is crying and won't be put down or bring you a cup of tea in the morning when you've been up all night....really makes the diference. |
Posted By: aers270191
Date Posted: 26 August 2011 at 2:44pm
| Yeah looking at moving back to my Dads (my younger sister still lives in Mums apartment) around December, just have to move the cat too as he was my first "baby" and I wouldnt give him up for anything. I also have grandma who is ga-ga for Great Grandchild #1 so she will be bending over backwards to help! Glad to hear Im not the only one that would return home for support |
Posted By: KAC09
Date Posted: 26 August 2011 at 3:54pm
Hey I moved back to my mums when my marriage split at 12 weeks pregnant. Child was planned but even then aparently wanting a child and a child are 2 different things. But unforunitly when my son was 4 months both my parents left the country. and I have done it all on my own since & my 2 cats who have been with me every step of the way. I wont tell you it was easy cause its not & still not but its worth it every time ya kid does something amazing! Like walking over to you and giving you a big sloppy kiss. and a massive hug.  So proud of my little boy.
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Posted By: mizpix
Date Posted: 26 August 2011 at 10:12pm
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I split with A's dad at 6months pregnant. I live 4 hours from my family and he and his family have no contact. I worked till 38 1/2weeks, took 14 weeks maternity leave then back to work. I have a few good friends who babysit and are good support.I found my birth support person off this website ( she was a child birth educator in training and needed to do a few births). To be honest I never found it hard to carry on normally while pregnant,and no matter what you always seem to manage just take one day at a time. Oh and I got bad depression at the time of the break up but got that sorted (maternal mental health were great). ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2920e5" rel="nofollow - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: aers270191
Date Posted: 27 August 2011 at 8:13am
| Thanks KAC09 and Mixpix! People try to make it seem like everything will be ok and that you will be fine, but at the end of the day the only people that are there 24/7 are you and the baby, and I hate the thought of becoming dependant on my family for their constant support. At this stage Im looking at moving to Auckland for the first 6 months but I want to finish a degree I started in 2009, which is at Lincoln University, and if that means moving down here with baby then Im happy with that! |
Posted By: Flutterby
Date Posted: 27 August 2011 at 1:31pm
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Been there done that as well. The kids dad called it quits when I was 8 wks preg with DD. So had to move my sons and my things back to Auckland while dealing with MS.
I lived at mums till I was 35wks then finally found us a little unit to move into. Don't be scared of asking your family for help whenever you need a break. You need to look after yourself so that you can look after your baby. I don't know how I would manage if mum didn't have DS one night a week. Where abouts will you be moving to in Auckland? ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: aers270191
Date Posted: 27 August 2011 at 4:53pm
| At this stage probably my Dads place in Hillsborough, as at least then I dont have to worry about rent or cleaning too often at first and I can be a bit more relaxed... Right now Im in a one bedroom in Chch and Ill be glad to have someone to talk to in the evenings that isnt fluffy with four legs! |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 02 September 2011 at 5:26pm
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I lived with just my baby when I was first a single mum,moved back with my parents when she was a year and a bit old.
Was hard,was lonely...but I managed.Only reason I moved back was because I was helping them out with the rent and they were helping me with babysitting -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: #2onthewayxx
Date Posted: 11 September 2011 at 10:17am
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Anyone have any tips on telling people that youve split? I'm 32weeks and my partner had decided he needs a break. The idea of doing this on my own is terrifying enough without all the judgement I'm bound to get now. Help anyone?!
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Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 12 September 2011 at 1:17pm
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Aww, sorry to hear that. I found it hard aswell, and people automatically assume that you have a partner so I hated having to go round correcting them.
So no real advice sorry! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: mizpix
Date Posted: 12 September 2011 at 9:56pm
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people will always judge... Does it really matter? I'm quite open about the fact that I'm a solo parent, say it with pride.Its not something that a lot of people could manage!
The only times I felt awkward were at antenatal classes, where I was the only one without a partner, and when I told my parents A's dad was not going to be around. To be honest I think a lot of people just assume that A's dad was more of a sperm donor as I am a late thirties professional woman ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2920e5" rel="nofollow - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: KAC09
Date Posted: 14 September 2011 at 3:14pm
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I tell people I am Hunters only parent & its great because he is 100% my parenting and I am the sole reason hes the perfect children (well as close to perfect as he can get). But I am so proud of the fact.
It was hard during pregnancy though. Espically in the antenatal classes. That was the worse. I took my mum & sister in law with me, we had a lot of fun and people were really nice about it. Plus I realised that I should stop caring and that helped! Fake it till you make it. It becomes easier as you go along. Just keep thinking I am awesome, I am going to be a great parent. Better then any 2 parent family, I am super mum. Just think it till you belive it. |
Posted By: #2onthewayxx
Date Posted: 14 September 2011 at 11:41pm
Thanks for the advice its the parents that I'm not looking forward to telling...but I'm going with the fake it till you make it dictum at the mo and that seems to be working...even starting to believe myself! And I know u shouldn't care what ppl think but that's easier said than done!
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Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 15 September 2011 at 8:08am
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There's lots of benefits to being a single parent too. Your child will get 100% of your time and attention and my DD certainly shows the benefits of that kind of input. She's always been way above her age in speech and her play is probably more advanced than it would otherwise be because her and I play together all the time.
Just like KAC said - fake it till you make it. It will be easier when you have the baby in some ways, you just do what is best for them and believe in yourself. I've become a much stronger person, simply because my little one was relying on me and I was the only person she had. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Hannahemily
Date Posted: 17 September 2011 at 7:01pm
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Hey guys please help or talk some sense into me. I'm due to have my baby in 10 weeks, but I'm just feeling so overwhelmed,and stressed and lonely and depressed and anxious all these things going through my mind.I don't want to spend the next 10 weeks being an absolute wreck, but I just feel so swamped with emotions I'm not even worried about the birth ! Im worried about bringing the baby home and how on earth Im going to cope.Im livign with my mum and step father at the moment , but eventually Im going to have to move out and when I think how on earth Im going to pay rent and work and everythign financially its just so overwhelming & I think to myself what the F have I got myself Into ???????! I hate feeling like this Did you guys feel the same way at all??
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Posted By: fallen
Date Posted: 17 September 2011 at 7:55pm
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Hey. I'm no expert but it sounds to me like you might have a bit of depression happening. It might pay to have a chat with your midwife about how you are feeling and she may refer you to Maternal Mental Health.
Its perfectly normal to worry how you are going to cope with a new baby. I knew I did with each of my children. I find it easier to deal with if I formulate a plan. What am I going to do if such and such happens etc. ------------- |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 17 September 2011 at 9:56pm
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Yup,I did,around the 10 weeks before I had my daughter I got a wave of "what the heck am I doing? I can't do this!Im a kid myself"
....thing is,every mother,no matter how old or experienced they are,is a mother for the first time at some stage and noone is born a perfect mother,you learn that as you go.We all make our mistakes and we all learn different lessons. I know how overwhelming it can all feel,being responsible for another little person,but you'll be amazed at what you can cope with,especially when you're a single mum,you will discover resilience and strength you might not have known existed before now,but just because you are going to be a single mum,doesn't mean you have to be supermum,and you should always feel like you have the right to ask for help. I do think you need to talk to your MW,because there may be a bit of depression happening here as well -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Hannahemily
Date Posted: 17 September 2011 at 10:09pm
| I've spoken to my doctor and MW and Doctor is very concerned about putting me on anti depressants , he thinks that there is a possible chance that baby could develop lung problems etc even on the safest one and even being 30 weeks ! I don't know ? Maybe I should get a second opinion? just sounds scary and really don't want to do any harm to my little man ! I've also been referred on to see a psychologist and I also see a Councillor once a week, but if things don't improve then I will go back to my doctor and speak up, cos I have suffered depression before and I went down a very dark path and so scared to go down that way again, particularly when I have a child on the way ... |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 18 September 2011 at 11:48am
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Im pretty sure there are ADs you can take when pregnant,im sure a few girls on OhBaby have...maybe ask in the PND support thread,they're probably the most knowlegable in that area
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http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Hannahemily
Date Posted: 18 September 2011 at 11:55am
| ok thanks so much :-) |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 18 September 2011 at 7:57pm
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I had thoughts like that all the way through my pregnancy and kind of went into shock a little bit afterwards. Not PND just overwhelmed and sleep deprived and anxious. I totally get where you are coming from.
I went to a councellor when my marriage broke up and she pointed out that I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about things that may or may not happen in the future and I needed to focus on taking one day at a time. Break it down if that seems too much - even if its in to steps like get out of bed, eat breakfast, go to work. The other thing that she said that stuck with me is what will be will be. Sometimes you just need to float down the river ie accept that there are some things you can not change and just go with it. I think its something like the AA mantra - accept the things you can not change and change those things that you can. The other thing that helped for me was to write down how far I'd come and the things that I was proud of. For you that might be getting this far by yourself, going to appointments, talking to various professionals, organising stuff for the birth, antenatal classes etc. For me that was stuff like telling people we had split, dealing with DD's appointments, doing things we both enjoyed. Stuff that you deal with on a daily basis but we forget to pat ourselves on the back for. I hope things get better for you. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: aers270191
Date Posted: 18 September 2011 at 7:57pm
| Hey Hannahemily! The past month its been just me and Im now 22 weeks along and I will admit I have atleast one day a week when I just bawl my eyes out and ask myself why I even made this decision to keep my baby, and Im moving from one end of the country to the other in December to live at my Dads place, and he and I have never gotten along that well, but my sister lives with my Mum and she wont move so I get the short straw. Becoming a first time Mum, especially on your own, seems like the hardest thing in the world, but there is so much support out there that I have found already and Im not even meant to pop until January! The wonderful people on Oh!Baby, you friends and family will all be there 100%, because they love you, and they will love baby just as much! |
Posted By: Hannahemily
Date Posted: 19 September 2011 at 9:48am
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hey shelt - Thank you so much for the inspiring words that's exactly what I needed to hear and its sure put a different perspective on things..I constantly feel exhausted and I think its because I'm putting so much energy into constantly thinking negative thoughts and freaking out about the future,but it is true one day at a time ! I think im just totally caught up with having this baby and having a sh*t time for the rest of my life ! its totally true I just need to float down the river and accept there are some things that I cannot change.. and that Is true, pat myself on the back for how far Ive come and commend myself for how strong I am.I hope things get better too thanks :-)
and newbie I totally knwo what you mean about balling your eyes out except I have a tendancy to do it ona daily basis at the moment.. I hope my friends and family will be there 100% - I do feel slightly let down by some "so called" friends though , I have tried to tell them how I feel and they just say things will be fine and this is all part of pregnancy but is it really?? & its hard because when It comes to the weekend I don't even hear from them - which makes me feel even more isolated ! They seem too busy partying or being "hung over " to catch up ! & I know its reality I'm obviously going down a different path as them, but its hurtful, particularly when I feel like Im relying on my friends so much at the moment ! Arggghh I really hate feeling like this
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Posted By: Hannahemily
Date Posted: 19 September 2011 at 1:24pm
| Im also feeling alot of anxiety as to who the father may be,I cant keep thinking about getting the paternity test, which is totally down the track but its seems to be the only thing I'm thinking about at the mo...also some of my close friends don't know who the other possible father might be I have kind of failed to tell them,and just kept it to myself as he's not a very nice guy & was abusive to me when we were in a relationship,I guess Im scared to tell them the truth for fear of being judged but I guess if these people are really my true friends they wont care who the father might be?? and maybe Im just being really silly and putting too much energy into worrying what people will think of me... |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 19 September 2011 at 8:12pm
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No worries. And just remember that those pregnancy hormones do strange things. Stuff that seems like a massive deal now might feel a bit different when you are holding your wee baby in your arms.
Re friends, I know its hard but when you have the baby you will probably make new ones who are at a similar stage in their lives. Even if you don't do antenatal classes or click with the women in it you can still go to Plunket coffee groups or music & movement and find friends or at least people to talk to about stuff. And there may be a single parent support group near you - there is one here in Tauranga so I'd imagine there would be one in Auckland. And yes, there is no doubt that having a baby is hard work. But it doesn't have to be the end of life as you know it. You will work out what works for you and the baby and go from there. Its times like this that you can find strength that you wouldn't have otherwise known you had. I think (and you can tell I've been reading lots of self help books recently  ) that believing in yourself is important. Positive self talk does help - it comes back to faking it till you make it. If you tell yourself that you can do this and you are going to enjoy your baby then you will eventually start beleiving that. Chin up, its hard but you can do it (make a great cheerleader wouldn't I ).------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: mizpix
Date Posted: 19 September 2011 at 9:24pm
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Hey Hannahemily,I agree with fallen.Have a chat to Maternal mental health. I just rocked up to their offices in town one day and asked to see someone. Apparently you are meant to go via a doctor, but they dont turn you away if you obviously need to see someone. I poured my guts out to this lovely mental health nurse and it was the best thing I did. She got me to go back via the doctor and sort out meds. I was on fluoxetine from about 26 weeks until my boy was about 6 months old. It didnt hurt him one bit and man did it help my head space. I had several visits from the mh nurse during my pregnancy and we had great talks. It really helped me a lot to unload my feelings to someone who didnt judge.
Anyway if you start to think clearly then everything seems much easier. You will manage I'm sure but just go one day at a time. I still dont think much further ahead than that even now! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2920e5" rel="nofollow - My Ovulation Chart |
Posted By: aers270191
Date Posted: 19 September 2011 at 10:28pm
| I know what you mean about "so called" friends, except some of mine have babies of their own and they are still constantly hungover and just casting their children off on their other friends or parents, and I have found that even though it took my parents a while to come around to the fact I was pregnant that they eventually understood I thought about it alot before I made the life changing decision, and they know that I will love my boy more than anything. At the end of the day you will have a wee baby that will love you unconditionally, and you will be an amazing Mum Im sure! As for the father, it may end up being the best thing not to have the father in babies life if that ends up being the case. And baby may even thank you for it when he/she finally meets Dad one day. But forget all the false friends and what people think of you, because its what you think of yourself that is most important |
Posted By: Hannahemily
Date Posted: 22 September 2011 at 11:22am
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Hey guys thank you so much for the words of wisdom and support,even talking to you all on here is a great comfort.
I think I do spend too much energy and time on thinking negatively but its so hard to get out of that frame of mind... Writing things down and talking to the likes of you guys to get different perspectives really help.I just need to keep the faith and as you said Shelt - positive self talk xxx |
Posted By: Looey85
Date Posted: 22 September 2011 at 7:00pm
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