Advice needed.
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Forum Name: Kindy and Beyond
Forum Description: So you've survived the sleepless nights and toddler tantrums, now the fun really begins! Talk to other parents of older children here!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=41368
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Topic: Advice needed.
Posted By: ellabellame
Subject: Advice needed.
Date Posted: 19 January 2012 at 4:19pm
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I know I haven't been on here in aaaaages but something as come up that I'm really wrestling with.
Mikey is 6 now, and is a really happy, well adjusted wee man. His father (who is now living in Australia) has had very little contact with him, he had Mikey for the weekend last February and then had a wee 5 minute Skype chat on Mikey's birthday in November. Other than that, and paying his child support, he hasn't really had anything to do with his son. I have always sent him regular updates by email with photos attached and let him know what has been going on in Mikey's life. A couple of months ago he mentioned that he would like Mikey to go over to Australia to visit him because his girlfriend's Mum is due to go over to visit and she would like to take Mikey over with her, and lately he has been asking a bit more about it and I feel like I need to make a decision. The thing is, I'm really torn. On the one hand, I think it would be a great thing for Mikey to be able to spend more time with his Dad, I don't want to deny them the chance to have a real relationship, on the other hand, it is so far away and I have never been away from Mikey for that long (he wants him for at least a week, would prefer 2). Also, the relationship between his father and me was never good and to be honest, I don't completely trust him so maybe that is clouding my judgement and making me cling a bit tighter to my son. So what are your thoughts? Am I being an overprotective Mum? ------------- |
Replies:
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 19 January 2012 at 4:55pm
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Ohhhh tough one!
I think before you make any decision you need to meet his G/F's Mum to see if you can trust your son to her as she's going to be the one travelling with him. If you can't then it's a no brainer. If you can then move on to the next step. Also do you legally have full custody? Cause he could just keep him over there and not put him on the plane back or make sure you get him to actually sign something saying he won't keep him other than the period agreed to. Good luck in your decision. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: ellabellame
Date Posted: 19 January 2012 at 5:19pm
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Wow, thank you! I had never thought of that. We've never really sorted anything out, we broke up when Mikey was 2 and I've had him fulltime ever since with no regular visitation from his father.
But you're right, I guess he could just keep him over there couldn't he because nothing is in writing. ------------- |
Posted By: JD
Date Posted: 19 January 2012 at 9:41pm
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I absolutely wouldn't be comfortable with that. He is only 6 and he will practically be going to another country to stay with strangers. How does he feel about it if he hasn't had much to do with his father?
------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 20 January 2012 at 2:18pm
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I'd only be comfortable with that if I went with as well (paying for own flights and own accommodation but at least close by). ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Posted By: ellabellame
Date Posted: 20 January 2012 at 5:06pm
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I haven't talked to Mikey about it because I know that he would be so excited and really want to go. I've always made sure to talk to him about his father in a really positive way and he knows that he gets really good presents from him, so he would think that going to visit him would be the best thing ever, it's just me that feels uncomfortable with it.
My husband isn't keen on the idea either, he would like my ex to have a bit more regular contact and build a proper relationship with Mikey before we would feel comfortable sending him over for a visit. The idea of me going over there with him is a good idea but unfortunately it's not within our budget, especially as I would have to take my daughter as well. ------------- |
Posted By: Shelt
Date Posted: 20 January 2012 at 8:18pm
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Personally (and this might just be because I am a suspicious person and my ex once threatened to take DD and not give her back) I would not let Mikey go. Once your ex has Mikey and his passport how do you know you will get him back? They could disappear....stranger things have happened. Also, what are his motives for suddenly wanting to spend a week or two with him....a visit a year ago and a skype 3 months ago doesn't sound like he was that bothered before IMO.
Also, I agree with your husband that your ex really needs to have more regular contact before a longer visit. I know that if I were 6 I wouldnt be that keen on going to visit someone I barely remember for 1 - 2 weeks, in a different country far away from my mum. The idea of seeing his Dad might be fairly attractive but the reality is probably a reasonable amount of homesickness I would guess? I seperated from my ex when my DD was 11 months and I am still not comfortable with him taking her away for a holiday and my ex has regular contact with DD. One or two nights is quite different from a week or two. Good luck with your decision. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: ellabellame
Date Posted: 21 January 2012 at 8:47am
Thanks for all the help  Basically what you all have said has reinforced how I was feeling about it anyway.
I know my ex will probably be really angry when I tell him no and I will probably get some very horrible emails but in the end, as long as Mikey is happy and stable, then that is all that matters. I will let him know that he needs to really make more of an effort to build a relationship with his son, and I will also have to look into making a legal agreement between us so that there is no way that he could keep Mikey over there if we ever decide to go ahead with a visit. ------------- |
Posted By: tigger,roo
Date Posted: 21 January 2012 at 4:21pm
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Think u have made the right decision 4 mikey. My father lived 30 min away and we didnt see him 4 5 yrs and suddenly wanted to see us - was werid and uncomfortable and i was 14. You are a good mum 4 looking at it from all angles. :) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
Angels - March'11, Nov '10, May '10 |
Posted By: Pixi
Date Posted: 22 January 2012 at 10:04pm
You have your own answers in your own writings. Gut feelings normally first and right answer for Mothers. You say with your self , to be honest you don't really trust him, then thats your answer. 1) you say he has not had ( anything) really to do with his son.um have you asked them or have they asked you to come over to you, any time? if they say no, or not willing to travel, that would be a concern? some may feel. 2) you have had 24/7 care and protection for years of your child. 3)Have you had any close relationship with his girlfriend/ or her Mum? if not she would be a total stranger to your son more so. 4) Can you travel over with your son say for a week on your terms, thus call the shots,? lest you have showed to be flexible. 5)Unless you sent with him, or they came over, would he fret for you so much it simply would not be good for him? As obvious you have had years with your own son,and have his best interest at heart,( and others can come last that have not had him, they must fit in with you and your son. Whatever anyone says, only you have all the right gut answers anyway. As been the primary long term parent in his life, you must have more rights. Seek Legal Family advice first in all these case. |
ellabellame wrote:Posted By: Pixi
Date Posted: 22 January 2012 at 10:22pm
Hi, sorry last reply, as just saw your other thoughts, :) You say cannot travel etc... yes trust your own gut. Also your husband would had more input. Good for you to know then "your own concerns may be valid ones to you", for good reasons you know best. |
Posted By: Febgirl
Date Posted: 23 January 2012 at 9:41pm
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If he really wanted to see Mikey, your ex would have come to NZ to visit, rather than getting his girlfriend's mother to bring him along on her visit. I would say no in your situation too. ------------- Two little girls under 2! 
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Posted By: Free2BeMe
Date Posted: 01 February 2012 at 6:40pm
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I am in a similar situation with my boys dad living in Australia, and he sees them once every 3 - 6 months.
In your situation I would definitely NOT let your son go. My six year old would NOT cope with that situation at all, and he's only been away from his dad for 2.5 years... All the best :) |
Posted By: Kate08
Date Posted: 01 February 2012 at 10:13pm
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Ok, my gut instinct is a definitely no!
It sounds like yours is also. However excited your son would be in theory, the reality of being handed over to a stranger for a flight, then staying with a dad he barely knows....I can't believe your ex thinks that this is a reasonable suggestion! Although your ex knows his girlfriend's mum, your son doesn't! This should actually be about your son, not him. As the others have said, why can't he build up a better relationship first? Also, not wanting to scaremonger, but I do know of a situation where mum took son on holiday to visit family and never returned. Legally, dad here in NZ hasn't a leg to stand on as he gave his permission for his ex to take son out of the country. I'm sure that wouldn't happen to you, but it doesn't hurt to be aware of the legal side of these things. Good luck and don't be pressured into agreeing to something you are not comfortable with. I'm glad your husband is supporting you. It might be an idea to start thinking about legal custody arrangements also. |
Posted By: ellabellame
Date Posted: 02 February 2012 at 8:15am
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Thanks for all the great advice, everyone. I wrote an email to him explaining my reasons why I wasn't comfortable with it. I made sure to keep it extra civil and basically said that I'm sure he understands because at the end of the day we both have Mikey's best interests at heart.
I also asked him when his next holidays from work are and if he'd be willing to come to NZ to see Mikey, because I really don't want to feel like I'm keeping them from having a proper relationship and I would feel a lot more comfortable with them spending time together on home turf. ------------- |
Posted By: Free2BeMe
Date Posted: 02 February 2012 at 9:24am
Well done, I think you have handled it perfectly. :) |
Posted By: Kate08
Date Posted: 02 February 2012 at 7:38pm
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Definitely a good move. Good luck :)
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Posted By: FionaO
Date Posted: 29 February 2012 at 3:03pm
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I think you handled it really well and good on you for taking such an open approach - I think you made the right choice, travelling overseas to see someone he doesn't know whilst it might sound exciting, i'm not sure many 6 year olds could cope with it in reality. How did he take it your ex?? ------------- 
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Posted By: kmarie
Date Posted: 29 February 2012 at 11:53pm
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I agree, I think it sounds like you handled it really well in your email. Also interested to know how it goes :)
On another note (sorry to ask on here!) Fi - do you know what happened to the October 2008 babies thread? Sad to see it looks like it has disappeared :( ------------- 
twins in heaven Oct07 Is 40:11 "He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart." |
Posted By: Candkids
Date Posted: 02 March 2012 at 11:02am
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just saw this, also i would definatley think about getting some formal custody aggrement in palce between the 2 of you, even if its just a letter saying that you have full custody of your son but are to keep in regular contact with the dad etc then both sign it, it is deemed as a legal document,
otherwise. . . by nz law if there is no form of custody aggrement/order in place either parent named on the birth certificate is entitled to have the child in there care at any time they can come and pick them up whenever they want (also take them anywhere in the world) and the police etc can not interviene in any way, unfortunatley i found that out when my ex took DD when she was 1 and wouldnt bring her back and the police said there was absolutley nothing they could do as we were both the childs parents and suggested i got a lawyer to try work something out, |